General, I’m proud to give you the first look at our new battlefield attack cycle! It carries five soldiers - three with assault weapons, a lookout on top, and a driver.

This is a rolling death machine that approaches speeds of four miles an hour, downhill. We can produce them for $240,000 each. I know that sounds high, General, but most of it goes to buy life insurance for the lookout guy.

Now, the three shooters are able to spray a bullet pattern of….

What, General? How does the driver see through all those billowing trousers to steer? Hmm. Uh, I guess we’ll need to work on that.

Well yes, General, I think it might work to have the shooters wear no pants of any kind, so the driver could kind of look around their bare butts to navigate…

That is a great idea, General, plus it solves another problem. Suddenly, the lookout no longer has the worst job on the motorcycle.

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Motorcyclists from the Kashmir Police perform during Independence Day celebrations in Srinagar, August 15,2009. REUTERS/ Danish Ismail

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Blog Guy, I just lost a bunch of money to a guy flipping coins, and I can’t figure out how he did it. He beat me every time!

Let me guess. Was he playing, “Heads I win, tails you lose?”

Yes! I can’t figure out what went wrong!

Well, this is not generally a good phrase to agree to in the world of wagering. As a helpful illustration, look at these two guys in the photos.

After an hour of gambling, the one who was saying “Heads I win, tails you lose” is blazing away with two machine guns, looking like Rambo and about to leave with several gorgeous chicks wearing stiletto heels.

He is standing on the other guy, whom we will call the loser. That dude has bricks broken around him, tire tracks on his face, and no shirt.

Yikes. Is that all that happened to the poor shirtless guy?

Nope. The hot shell casings from those guns have to be coming down somewhere, don’t they?

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A Russian soldier fires as he stands on the stomach of a comrade as they train for a military parade to mark Navy Day in Russia’s far eastern city of Vladivostok, July 24, 2009. REUTERS/Yuri Maltsev

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Blog Guy, I just saw that Johnny Depp movie “Public Enemies.” Somebody told me they were auctioning off one of John Dillinger’s real guns.

Yep, it sold on Saturday, for $95,600.

Wow! What kind of gun was it?

A derringer.

Are you kidding me? The Dillinger Derringer?

I don’t kid. They wouldn’t identify the winning bidder, but it may have been actor Tom Berenger.

Making it the Berenger Dillinger Derringer? Did Dillinger ever shoot anybody with it?

He slightly wounded a dog with it. In the derriere.

Gasp! Shot in the derriere by the Berenger Dillinger Derringer? What kind of a dog?

A terrier. Oops, sorry, the Word Police are here to take me away for going too far. Excuse me, officer, may I have a Perrier?

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Above: The Dillinger Derringer. REUTERS/Heritage Auction Galleries/Handout

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Blog Guy, I heard there has been a huge recall of military weapons because of a safety defect. What can you tell us about this?

It’s true. It turns out if you open that little thingy on the side and stick your forefinger in there and then let the bolt slam against it enough times, your finger will turn purple, as shown by the victim in this photo.

But if you don’t do that, your finger will be fine?

Sure.

I see. What’s the worst thing that happens if you do this to your finger? Is it fatal?

No! But if you’re in one of those places where a purple finger means you’ve already voted, then the guys that do this to themselves could be disenfranchised.

Uh-huh. That sounds like Darwinism working just as it should…

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A Kurdish Peshmerga soldier keeps his finger with indelible ink near the trigger of his weapon after voting during a regional parliament election at a polling station in Baghdad, July 23, 2009. REUTERS/ Mohammed Ameen

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Dear Mom and Dad,

Well, I finally made it to Bali, my dream vacation, and it’s everything I ever hoped for!

I’m writing this postcard from exotic Kuta Beach, soaking up rays, sipping a lychee martini, ogling the handsome lifeguard with his sexy combat boots and assault rifle, and thinking about…

Oh, right. About that. Yes, there are heavily armed police patrolling the white sandy beach, since suicide bombers just hit two hotels in Jakarta. It turns out there were some major bombings here on Bali in recent years, too, which explains that great package deal I got.

So I’m learning to relax in paradise while waiting for the sound of gunfire, bombs and carnage. Another couple of lychee martinis and I won’t even notice it anymore…

It’s more than a blog, it’s a lifestyle

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Police patrol Kuta beach in Bali July 19, 2009 following bomb blasts in Jakarta on Friday. REUTERS/Murdani Usman

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Blog Guy, I see footage of the Secret Service guarding President Obama. It looks like a HUGE task. Has any country found a better way to protect its leaders?

A good question. Yes, of all places, Russia has. Their President, Dmitry Medvadev, protects himself.

Excuse me?

As you can see here, he takes an arsenal everyplace he goes. It seems to do the trick. He carries rifles, pistols, hand grenades, a flame-thrower, and has a Bowie knife clenched in his teeth, except when he’s giving a speech.

That’s positively amazing! What a cool guy!.That’s the kind of leader WE need. I’m running over to get that guy’s autograph!

Uh, I wouldn’t if I were you.

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Top: Russia’s President Dmitry Medvedev takes aim during a visit to the Rayevsky firing range in Novorossiisk in the Southern Federal District, July 14, 2009. REUTERS/ RIA Novosti/ Kremlin/Vladimir Rodionov

Left: Medvedev holds a Kalashnikov rifle in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Alexander Zemlianichenko/Pool

Left bottom: Medvedev takes aim while on his trip to Russia’s southern region of Dagestan June 9, 2009. REUTERS/RIA Novosti/Kremlin/ Mikhail Klimentyev

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Welcome back to our popular feature, Stuff Maybe we Should Have Mentioned in the Caption, but Didn’t.

The real actual caption on this photo on the right tells us “A man dances with his rifle on his head” during a festival.

Well, yeah, I can see that, and I’m sure nothing could possibly go wrong, but it still makes me wonder. Because where I grew up, dancing with a rifle on your head definitely went on your permanent high school record.

There’s more. Another caption, below, tells us a dancer is shooting his rifle during the festival.

This appears to be a religious festival, and since I live in a country that has very recently debated taking guns into church services I guess this is a sensitive subject, but… Maybe Morocco could spring for some NRA gun safety courses before next year’s festival? It’s just a thought.

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A man dances with his rifle on his head during the festival of Moulay Abdessalam saint near Tetouan July 1, 2009. Thousands of pilgrims from all over Morocco attend the  pilgrimage to the saint’s tomb.

A dancer shoots his rifle during the festival.

REUTERS photos by Rafael Marchante

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Blog Guy, I know you study military preparedness around the world. How do U.S. troops compare in areas like marksmanship?

We’re far ahead of most countries … Look at some photos taken in the last couple of days.

On the right are some Belarussian troops. They’re  holding their rifles upside-down, and are in danger of some nasty bayonet-through-the-foot accidents. If you have to get into a war, do it with these guys.

Gosh, you’d think just from watching TV they’d know more than that!

Exactly. Now look at some Saudi soldiers, below. They are pointing their rifles straight up, but looking in a totally different direction.

I’m guessing they call this shooting technique “Saudi no-peekie duck-hunting,” and it certainly makes a frontal assault seem pretty tempting.

Amazing. But just to make sure I understand, your entire assessment of the strength and preparedness of these two armies is being made from glancing at a couple of photos?

Oh, like it’s the first time THAT’s ever happened!

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Above: Belarussian honor guards perform during a show  opening an international arms exhibition in Minsk May 19, 2009. REUTERS/ Vasily Fedosenko

Left: Graduating soldiers from the Saudi special forces’ anti-terror unit demonstrate their skills in Riyadh May 17, 2009. REUTERS/Fahad Shadeed

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For those of you still placing bets on the arrival of the Apocalypse, hurry up. It’s almost here.

These are police at “advanced motorcycle training.” I guessed it was a special squad trained to protect us from the growing threat of two-dimensional billboard art, but I was wrong.

The caption says it was a simulated incident of motorcycle police arriving at a high school with suspects shooting at them from windows and doors.

Excuse me? Jeez, isn’t this what SWAT teams are for? Or at least patrol cars?

So we’ve now reached a point where a dispatcher says, “We have reports of students shooting from doors and windows of Millard Fillmore High School. I need a motorcycle officer to drive by and see if it looks very serious.”

I’m no expert, but I would think “advanced motorcycle training” should stress getting the hell out of Dodge, and that firing INTO school doors and windows may actually introduce more danger for other students inside. But maybe that’s just me.

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James Armstrong of the Arvada, Colorado Police Department practices firing his weapon from a moving motorcycle during advanced motorcycle training in Golden, Colorado May 19, 2009. The class simulated motorcycle police arriving at a high school with suspects shooting at them from windows and doors as they rode up. REUTERS/ Rick Wilking

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Blog Guy, I’m amazed by the Secret Service agents who protect our president. You never see a firearm, yet you know they’re ready for action. Is it like that all over?

No, sometimes you actually catch a brief glimpse of gun, in places like Georgia.

You mean like the guys who protect Jimmy Carter?

No, that other Georgia, in Europe or Russia or somewhere. Check out these triggermen.

Wow! All that firepower is to protect their leader?

So they SAY, but my theory is the guards are going after the person who advised the one in front to wear that shirt and tie together.

If that’s true, I hope they take him down instead of bringing him in for trial. I don’t want some stinking liberal jury letting him off to keep dressing other people.

Don’t worry, look at that firepower. This is one Brooks Brothers salesman who won’t hurt anyone else.

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Above: Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili (L), surrounded by his guards, enters the Mukhrovani military base where some soldiers staged a mutiny, east of Tbilisi May 5, 2009.

Saakashvili and his guards enter a staircase at the base.

REUTERS photos/Irakli Gedenidze/Pool

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