Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Ballad of the bun-flinger gunslinger

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Blog Guy, I need to know where I can find designer clothes appropriate for my profession.

Which is what?

I’m a gunslinger.

Awesome! Do you twirl your pistol?

Sure. With one finger.

What did you do before you got into this profession?

Worked at a Cinnabon, flinging buns.

So you’re a bun-flinger, one-finger gunslinger? You might have a look at this creation from Paris Fashion Week.

No thanks, I don’t have enough bullets to defend myself wearing that outfit at the gunslinger hangouts.

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A model displays a creation by British designer John Galliano as part of his Fall/Winter 2009/10 men’s collections during Paris Fashion Week January 23, 2009. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

Could you BE more of a target, Lonnie?

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I notice an increasing number of news photos showing demonstrators in the Middle East brandishing realistic-looking mock rockets and mock explosives.

You know, personally I probably wouldn’t do that.

Considering the advanced state of satellite observation these days, I think I’d tend to leave my mock explosives indoors, in the recreation room.

In a one-horse open slay…

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Blog Guy, you used to do a better job of covering bizarre sports. I haven’t seen anything here lately.

Fair point. How about these photos from an annual sled race in Germany?

What’s so bizarre about a sled race?

Well, it looks like a guy gets to shoot at the racing sleds with a hand-cannon. That has to get the old adrenalin flowing.

Gimme another swab, Bob!

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Blog Guy, you give great career advice. Can you suggest one for me?

I’ll try. What do you like to do?

I really enjoy cleaning my ears with cotton swabs. It gives me hours of enjoyment.

I see. Then you may want to train for a career of cleaning the barrels on military tanks. It’s pretty much the same principle.

Another blitz, Blitzen!

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
When all of a sudden I said, “What the hell?”
At the sound of a landing artillery shell!

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
And quickly I spotted the source of the fuss,
It was Santa Claus firing a cannon at us!

Don’t make me take this tape off, punk!

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Blog Guy, I know we equip our police with the best weapons over here, but there must be other places where police have to make do with inferior arms?

Sure. You take the Philippines. They can’t afford guns with a fancy safety on them, so they cover their barrels with masking tape in case they go off accidentally.

Sales in the toilet? Here’s why!

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We’re told in this caption that luxury goods on display at this Lux Only exhibition just aren’t selling very well. Why would that be?

Now, you take this engraved Blaser rifle, which by the way is an anagram for a blogger I know. Why hasn’t it sold?

Honey! No! Don’t fluff that pillow!

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“Mr. Johnson, do you want a holster or a box for your new pistol?”
“I’ll sleep on it…”

I once proposed an official Department of Finding Out What Imbeciles are Doing and Quickly Banning It.  That was after it became clear that folks needed to be told not to text-message while driving.

Ma, where’s that mortar ya made?

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Quick quiz: which of these are really great homemade?

a) tart, tangy double-crust apple crisp
b) flaky buttermilk biscuits with honey
c) a steaming pot of spicy chili
d) mortars

I hope you identified mortars as the one thing you should probably get from a reputable mortar store, not a basement metal workshop.

Sir, your glasses will be ready in 1162

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Blog Guy, I saw some Reuters photos from a Japanese battle reenactment, with Yabusame archers and stuff. What made those guys so awesome?

For starters, as this historically accurate demo shows, way back in the 12th century these archers wore glasses. Without good eyewear, hitting a moving enemy with an arrow fired from a galloping steed is actually hard. Yabusame is Japanese for “Read these letters, starting with the top line.”