“That’s how you tell it’s Joe Lefors, ’cause he always wears a white straw hat.”
- “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid”

Blog Guy, a few days ago a reader tried to tell you about the well-known White Hat Conspiracy, a plot among prominent people who wear white hats to identify themselves to each other.

You basically made fun of the person. Implied he was a goofball and a nutjob.

Well, you’ll stop laughing after you see this photo of Madonna taken this week.

Also, look at legendary boxer Jake “Raging Bull” LaMotta, including one of him with his white hat. You can’t deny a conspiracy now, can you, Blog Guy?

Oh my God, how could I have been so blind?

You’re right, of course! Because if I were involved in some kind of nefarious plot, then Madonna and Jake LaMotta are the EXACT two people I’d wanna be following!

Yep, old Jake is running the White Hat Conspiracy, as sure as Barack Obama was born in Luxembourg!

And by the way, from the look of that shirtless picture, there’s another article of clothing that Jake may wanna consider wearing. It also comes in white.

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Photos from top:  Singer Madonna in Chinkota, outside Lilongwe in Malawi, October 26, 2009. REUTERS/Siphiwe Sibeko

Boxer Jake “The Raging Bull” LaMotta tips his hat to the crowd at Madison Square Garden in New York in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Teddy Blackburn/Files

LaMotta poses in New York, October 28, 2009. REUTERS/Teddy Blackburn

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Blog Guy, I’m contacting you because I think you have an open mind about conspiracy theories. Am I right?

You betcha. Every nutjob is welcome here. As long as you’re reading me, it keeps you off the streets.

Yeah, I had you figured as…hey, you’re not making fun of us, are you?

Gosh no! Send me your goofball ideas! Just a sec, Charlie Sheen is knocking on my door…

Well then, are you aware of the White Hat conspiracy?

There are a number of prominent people who wear white hats as a secret sign that they’re part of the plot. Some elected leaders, that Dalai Lama guy, Brad Pitt…

I think you’re right. I’ve been looking through our photo archives, and I’m pretty sure I’ve found their leader. He was wearing his white hat all the time, long before the others started to show themselves.

Wow! Who is it?

His name can’t be said out loud, but if you’ll look to the left…

Now, if I can just get your address, to make sure the Obama Death Panels leave you alone…

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Combo top left: Honduras’ ousted President Manuel Zelaya, October 8, 2009. REUTERS/Edgard Garrido

Combo top right: Peru’s President Alan Garcia, October 22, 2009. REUTERS/Enrique Castro-Mendivil

Combo bottom left: Tibet’s exiled spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, September 30, 2009. REUTERS/Pool

Combo bottom right: Actor Brad Pitt, July 2, 2008. REUTERS/Chris Serrano

Lower left: Robert Burck, a street performer known as the “Naked Cowboy,” sings in
Times Square in New York, in a 2002 file photo. REUTERS/Peter Morgan

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Blog Guy, I have a question about classic children’s literature.

Sure. I once interviewed Maurice Sendak. He was great! He told me his favorite children’s book was…

Who cares what he said? My kids love Paddington, that cute bear from “darkest Peru,” with his iconic brush hat. They wanna know what happened to his family.

It’s sad. Since his books made so much money, two women claimed to be his mother. Both go around in hats like his to exploit the resemblance.

Each mother claims she wrote the famous note, “Please look after this bear,” but they get the wording wrong.

One says she wrote, “Please look after this bear and if he gets rich, text me.”

That’s harsh. What did the other mother write?

“Please hit this bear on the head with a ball-peen hammer.”

Ouch. That’s even worse!

It’s okay. With all his money Paddington got to be adopted by J.K. Rowling. He goes around now with his little suitcase filled with gold ingots and gourmet marmalade sandwiches. Not a bad life for a little bear.

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Paddington Bear publicity photo

Models present creations from the Guillen Doz collection at a Barcelona fashion show, September 3, 2009. REUTERS photos by Albert Gea

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Okay, it’s the last day of voting in our scientific Coolest Leader Dude poll, designed to confer that title on one international leader - Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, Britain’s Prince Charles, or U.S. President Barack Obama.

I must warn you that after a week of balloting, Charles has a massive lead. I plan to spend my whole weekend cooking the results, but I do need something to work with, like a couple of votes for Obama or Putin.

Today we’re looking at the three nominees in hats, which can make a guy look very cool if it’s chosen right and worn well.

For want of official names, we’ll refer to this headgear as Obama’s Indiana Jones hat, Putin’s Aussie bush bonnet and Charles’ uh, groom-on-the-wedding-cake thingy.

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Above: Britain’s Prince Charles attends the first day of the Royal Ascot race meeting, June 16, 2009. REUTERS/ Eddie Keogh

Left upper: U.S. President Barack Obama tours the Egyptian Great Pyramids of Giza and the Sphinx in this handout photo taken June 4, 2009. REUTERS/Pete Souza/The White House/Handout

Left lower: Russia’s President Vladimir Putin fishes in the Yenisei River in Siberia in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/RIA Novosti/KREMLIN

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Blog Guy, thanks for continuing to explain the majestic traditions of bullfighting. What’s the last thing that happens before the bullfighter enters the ring?

As you can see, “El Snapadoro” takes an official photo in case there’s a hole the size of a toilet seat going through him after the fight. Smile, Mr. Personality!

I see. And then after the fight, the bullfighters strut triumphantly around the ring, eh?

No. See, if the bull gets back up again, these dudes don’t want him to spot them, so they climb on the shoulders of Los Piggybackadoros Expendables for a ride.

That doesn’t seem too dignified to me.

Hold on. These guys just dressed up in beanbag hats, pink stockings and Lucky Charms suits to torture a poor animal to death, and NOW you’re worried about their dignity?

Well, when you put it that way….

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Above: Man takes a picture with Spanish bullfighter Jose Tomas before a bullfight in Gijon August 12, 2009.

Right: Tomas (R) and Cesar Jimenez celebrate after the bullfight.

REUTERS photo by Eloy Alonso

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Blog Guy, I was interested in your photos of some members of the British royal family at the Royal Ascot. Please try to update us more often on what those folks are up to.

Well, last week they had the annual Funny Hat Day over there. They all put on silly hats with big plumes, and just goofed around.

Looks like it’s not just funny hats. I see silly outfits, too.

True. There are people dressed just like the guys on Beefeaters Gin bottles, and the royals themselves have big robes as if they are graduating from college, even though they aren’t.

What do those big round patches say?

I blew one of them up. It says, “Honi Soit Qui Mal Y Pense.”

Awesome! What does that mean?

Roughly, it means, ”Who died and made you queen?”

Roughly? Don’t you have a more exact translation?

What do I look like, Wikipedia?

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Above: Britain’s Queen Elizabeth (C) walks in the procession to attend the Order of the Garter service at St George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle in Windsor, southern England, June 15, 2009. Windsor Castle played host to the annual Order of the Garter service, which celebrated the traditions and ideals associated with the Most Noble Order of the Garter. REUTERS/ Leon Neal/Pool

Right: Assorted royal people, REUTERS

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Herb, Lonnie, we need to talk.

See, when I invited you to meet me here at the beach to cruise for chicks, and I told you to wear hats because of the bright sun, well…

Let me put it this way. You see this baseball cap I’m wearing? Well, that’s okay. Or maybe a straw hat or some such.

But guys, I just don’t see a lot of hot babes flocking around dudes wearing hats like yours, except maybe to take snapshots with their phones and roll in the sand laughing until beer comes out of their nose.

What? Well, I don’t CARE if you bought the hats in the Dominican Republic. If that’s what the guys wear over there, the beach scene must be a lot different.

Okay guys, now, a word about your stiletto heels…

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Models display creations by Dominican designer Robert Flores during Republica Dominicana Fashion Week 2009 in Santo Domingo June 2, 2009. REUTERS/ Eduardo Munoz

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Blog Guy, are you a licensed psychiatrist?

It depends. I am in some states, just not in the really picky ones. How can I help?

I feel like I’m being followed by helicopters. Oh, they try to be clever, but I always spot them. Three or four at a time, hovering overhead. Am I being paranoid?

Let me ask you this. Are you wearing a hat?

Why, yes! An original Little Shilpa creation!

Okay, take it off, put it on a chair and leave the room. Now do you see the helicopters?

They’re gone! You’re amazing! I guess they’re off to harass some other poor victim! Now can you do something about the polo players who are galloping after me?

I don’t know. Do you wear anything by Ralph Lauren?

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A model presents a creation by designer Little Shilpa during the second day of Lakme fashion week in Mumbai March 28, 2009. REUTERS/ Punit Paranjpe

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Blog Guy, I love  your fashion coverage, but please write more about accessories.

You’re right. As the lady in “Steel Magnolias” said, “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” This season, it’s garden gloves. See how much better this outfit looks by adding big honking weed-pullers?

Brilliant! What else?

For the first time in years, swords are back. Sabers, scimitars… Cutting edge fashion.

Great, I’ll be en garde for them. And what about hats?

Strictly stovepipe. It’s the Babe Lincoln look this season, all the way.

Hold on Blog Guy. You can’t tell me well-dressed women will look like Abraham Lincoln.

Honest! And not just for accessories, but basics.

I hope this isn’t going where I think it is.

Maybe. It’s the season of the Gettysburg Dress!

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REUTERS photos by Carlos Barria, Adnan Abidi, Stefano Rellandini

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I know my readers love gadgets, so I keep an eye out for the very best new stuff.

Here are a couple of clever new toys incorporated into women’s hats, and I predict runaway success for both of them.

Tired of having to decide which room you want to watch a movie in at home? Try the Flexiplex Portable Entertainment Center!

This stylish chapeau incorporates video technology with a Pioneer speaker, and lets you go from room to room. Wherever you are, that’s where the movie is! Pass the popcorn, Pam!

There’s more. Weary of having to lift your wrist and focus on that little watch dial to see what time it is?

Behold the Time Topper! It’s a hat AND a clock, and all you have to do is tilt your head, look into a wall mirror, then figure out what the opposite time would be in the reflection. The correct time is yours, in less than two minutes!

Act now and get these handsome steak knives blah blah blah…

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Models display outfits designed by Nitin Bal Chauhan during a fashion show on the first day of India Fashion Week in New Delhi, March 18, 2009. REUTERS/Adnan Abidi

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