I know my readers love gadgets, so I keep an eye out for the very best new stuff.

Here are a couple of clever new toys incorporated into women’s hats, and I predict runaway success for both of them.

Tired of having to decide which room you want to watch a movie in at home? Try the Flexiplex Portable Entertainment Center!

This stylish chapeau incorporates video technology with a Pioneer speaker, and lets you go from room to room. Wherever you are, that’s where the movie is! Pass the popcorn, Pam!

There’s more. Weary of having to lift your wrist and focus on that little watch dial to see what time it is?

Behold the Time Topper! It’s a hat AND a clock, and all you have to do is tilt your head, look into a wall mirror, then figure out what the opposite time would be in the reflection. The correct time is yours, in less than two minutes!

Act now and get these handsome steak knives blah blah blah…

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Models display outfits designed by Nitin Bal Chauhan during a fashion show on the first day of India Fashion Week in New Delhi, March 18, 2009. REUTERS/Adnan Abidi

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Blog Guy, I really need some fashion advice!

“I’m invited to a very nice cocktail party. The problem is, I have a deep-rooted fear of getting lost late at night while I look for the valet parking guy, and wandering around for days waiting for rescue. This has happened to six of my friends. Help!”

Statistics show thousands of people each year suffer exactly that fate. This is why I’ve invested my money in the Swiss Army Hat.

Stylish enough for a Paris fashion show, if danger strikes this unique headgear is all business! Six LED lights begin blinking when you hit the panic button. A bicycle bell on your forehead lets you signal rescuers.

There’s more! Steel gears grind a stream of bread crumbs behind you, and if you fall off a cliff or something, large ostrich feathers float you gently to the ground!

That’s all very nice, Bob, but an ostrich can’t fly.

Uh-oh. Um, act now and get a free glow-in-the-dark face reflector?

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A model presents a creation by Indian designer Manish Arora as part of his Fall/Winter 2009/10 women’s ready-to-wear fashion collection during Paris Fashion Week March 9, 2009.  REUTERS/ Pascal Rossignol

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Honey, I’m running out to buy a Santa hat. I’ll be back in a few.

Wait, sweetie! Will you pick me up some cigarettes?

Come on. I don’t want to make TWO stops!

You don’t have to! That guy over at 8th and Main sells both things. It’s one-stop shopping.

You’re right! But I just remembered we also need chocolate chips and motor oil.

Oh, that would be the guy at 12th and MacArthur! Say hi for me!

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A Zimbabwean man sells cigarettes and Christmas hats on the streets of the capital Harare December 25, 2008. REUTERS/Philimon Bulawayo

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Sometimes I feel an obligation to debunk new products as a service to my readers. The latest is the Headlight, a hat that actually contains an open flame.

Oh, I know all about the selling points. It’s the perfect night-time reading light, it keeps your head all comfy on a cold winter’s day, you can roast weenies while you walk, blah blah blah.

But before you believe everything that infomercial has to say, consider my valid objections:

* Some restaurant coat-check people won’t accept them.

* Wait’ll the first time you have to tie your shoe.

* If you drive, you pretty much need a convertible.

* Three words: low ceiling fans.

As if that’s not enough, there’s always some practical joker like this guy, pouring milk over the flames when your back is turned. Who needs that?

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Dancers from the northern Indian hill state of Uttarakhand perform, during a ten-day long handicraft fair in the northern Indian city of Allahabad December 18, 2008. REUTERS/Jitendra Prakash

Geez, this is kind of embarrassing. I hope Michelle isn’t watching. Here I am, president-elect, up on a podium with J.R. Ewing.

Cripes, Ken, do you SEE anybody else here wearing a hat? Do you suppose this guy has ever heard of Brooks Brothers, where they sell ties that don’t belong on a riverboat gambler?

I should have read the program. Did I appoint him to something? If I did, I hope it’s it’s just one of those leftover jobs like Interior Secretary, that nobody ever sees…

Because If I have to look at that get-up every day… I’m afraid to look down. What if he’s wearing spurs?

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Colorado Senator Ken Salazar speaks after U.S. President-elect Obama introduced him as his nominee for secretary of the interior during a news conference in Chicago December 17, 2008. REUTERS/Jeff Haynes

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Blog Guy, my mom gave me a huge crystal punch bowl. It’s lovely, but I don’t entertain very much. Should I just sell it?

No! Wear it! Punch bowl hats are going to be THE thing next season, as you can see in these fashion photos taken just yesterday.

They are quite versatile. You can balance them upright, wear them upside-down, or wear them at a jaunty angle.

I had no idea! I did use my bowl for a party last Sunday, so should I wash it first?

I would. Otherwise, old orange rinds and curdled clots of boozy eggnog and dried punch crud will stick to your hair and attract scalp-burrowing insects.

Well honey, it sure wouldn’t be the first time!

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A model presents creations by Indonesian designer Rusli Tjohnardi during Indonesian 2009 Trend fashion show in Jakarta December 11, 2008. REUTERS/Beawiharta

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Okay, fashion design staffers, there’s a recession on. We have to find a way to squeeze more money out of teenage girls, because they’ll buy ANYTHING!

Pay attention. We’re telling them the cool new look is those silly hats bullfighters wear. Yes, I’m serious. Now, Lenny has come up with some goofy, hideous dresses that will sell like hotcakes.

But here’s the best part. This is what makes me a certified genius! We tell them the new trend in footwear is to wear two DIFFERENT shoes! That means every girl has to buy TWO pairs just to get ONE pair! Twice as much money for us!

Okay, Emma, send in those six chicks from the mall, and let’s see if there’s ANYTHING they won’t put on!

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Spanish bullfighter Julian Lopez Escober in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/ Eloy Alonso

Models present the latest creations for teenagers by Indonesian fashion designer Lenny Agustine in Jakarta, December 3, 2008. REUTERS/Dadang Tri

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Blog Guy, I’m going to take advantage of that thing where you set up scientific tests to answer reader questions.

My friends and I wondered. Say you had a pretty strong woman, with a reinforced black iron dome on her head, and she ran full-speed at a chicken wire fence. Would she be able to break through and then get back to the starting line? Please, a lot of money is riding on this.

Well, we set up four tests under exacting specifications, and I have to report that they were able to make it back safely only 25 percent of the time.

Just the one woman, huh?

Yeah, and even she didn’t seem too happy about it.  My advice is, if you’re planning sorority party games, go with something else.

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A model presents a creation from Portuguese designer Filipe Faisca’s Spring/Summer 2009 collection during Lisbon Fashion Week, October 12, 2008. REUTERS/Nacho Doce

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With all the hurricanes and other bad weather we’ve been having lately, many readers have asked what are the most common injuries resulting from strong winds.

A recent study of people admitted to emergency rooms after such disasters found that sticks, flowers and farm crops are hurled with such force they can actually penetrate a skull, as these hospital photos show.

The good news is that amazingly, all of these women survived without real damage to their brains, at least none that you’d notice.

The bad news, though, is that it’s virtually impossible to remove such objects, so these once-attractive models will always look like this. They will also have to visit a personal gardener at least once a week, as long as they live.

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Models present creations by Japanese designer Junya Watanabe during his Spring/Summer 2009 women’s ready-to-wear fashion collection show in Paris September 30, 2008. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

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Blog Guy, you’re all over the fashion scene. How would you describe the look for next spring?

I’ve been studying the new creations at London Fashion Week, and I’d call them glams on the half-shell. Many of them include bivalve-style helmets, for today’s busy gal who needs to go straight from a cocktail party to the International Space Station.

You can’t beat that for flexibility, but you’d better plan on a lot of time at the gym, to get ready for this look.

Oh? Why the gym?

To work on toning your mussels.

Sigh. And you wonder why readers say you’re a moron?

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Models wear creations by Giles during his spring/summer 2009 show at London Fashion Week September 16, 2008. REUTERS/Luke MacGregor

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