Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
Nine ways to lose weight and live forever
People say to me all the time, “Bob, your blog is SO stupid, how do you get people to read it?”
These folks don’t understand how online journalism works. You can write anything you want, and if you put a good headline on it people will read it. Especially if you hint at immortality, easy weight loss or better sex.
If your headline offers a numbered list, that’s even better. The best thing of all is a moderately clever play on words, which will attract people who think they are smart, and improve your demographics.
Toss in a photo of a nice dog or the Duchess of Cambridge, and it’s a hit.
This is a very good deal, because it means I work about five minutes a day.
Looking back at the blog for this year, here are my favorite headlines. Smart people, come on down!
Out of the frying pan and into the fryer…
Blog Guy, I can’t wait any longer! Has the Williams-Sonoma December catalog arrived yet? I need to get ready for the big holidays!
Yes, and naturally I was drawn to page 120, the Breville Deep Fryer, $149.95. That’s what I want for holiday entertaining, right? I mean, what says, I care about my family’s health better than immersing their food in oil? Especially with those recent studies showing we all need to raise our cholesterol levels.
Um, Blog Guy, you are just being sarcastic here, right? Sometimes I can’t tell.
Yes, of course. Try to keep up.
But if I DO want a deep fryer, this is the one to get, right?
No, I’m afraid this is the one for sissies. The one you want is on the Williams-Sonoma Website, the Timber Ridge Backyard Host Deep Fryer, just $699.95.
@justCAM – what, you mean old ‘lefty one-eye pegleg’?
@Spin – my team consists of the finest group of College drop-out, ex-military, IT savvy border-security dudes, that money can buy/I could find unconscious by the side of the road at 2am – one of those two.
We have a proud ‘MacGuyver Day’ tradition which takes place the last Friday in Jan, to see who can make the best use of junk they got for Xmas and didn’t actually want.
A post-Thanksgiving image booster
Blog Guy, I’m afraid I really pigged out yesterday at Thanksgiving, but I understand a few extra pounds are considered attractive these days.
Can you please find recent photos of some of the beautiful people who have let themselves go, so your readers can feel better about themselves after Turkey Day?
You betcha. Here at the top is a shot of Spain’s crown princess this week, and you can see her extra weight doesn’t seem to be slowing her down any.
Are you crazy, Blog Guy? She looks like a skeleton! They should be force-feeding her this very minute! Go back to your photo file and look again, and this time find a voluptuous, zaftig fashion model. Let’s see some curves!
Okay, here you go, a model from a recent Fashion Week in Madrid. Look at those gams, va-va-va-voom!
OMG! Put her in a wheelchair before her legs snap! I don’t… Oh, wait. I get it, Blog Guy. You’re a genius!
I’d have to give blessing with you on this. Which is not something I typically do! I love reading a post that will make people think. Also, thanks for allowing me to comment.
Want something that’s bad for you, Mr. President?
Hi there, waitress, we’re the Corkery family, and we’ll be having your family-style breakfast special, where the whole family eats for for $22.95. I’ll have the…
Excuse me, Mr. Obama, I know who you are. You’re gonna have to go ahead and pay for your own breakfast…
Obama? Hah! I’m Floyd Corkery, but I do hear that a lot. People seem to think I look a little like the president.
So, waitress, the rest of my family will all have the egg-white asparagus omelets, and I’ll have El Gordo, the cheese-covered breakfast burrito, with the beer batter fries and barbecue sauce, and on the side, some maple…
Mr. Corkery, will you be ordering anything for those gentlemen over there in the black suits with the sunglasses and guns?
Nah, they’re good. But look, if a muscular lady who looks like my wife walks in here, then this kid in the green shirt is the one having the burrito, you undertand?
@ifly: Did Calvin and Hobbes visit you for Thanksgiving? How wonderful that is!
Which job would you choose?
Blog Guy, I need some of your famous career advice. I have a dead-end job selling lunch meat door-to-door, and I’m looking for something different.
Hmmmm. Are you willing to relocate overseas? Do you enjoy working outdoors and getting a little exercise on the job?
You betcha! I’m not really a morning person. Evening work suits me best.
Then I may have your dream job. You should consider being one of the 44 people employed to kill rats at night in Mumbai, like these guys in the pictures.
OMG I think I’m going to barf! How do they kill them?
The caption says they use an “improvised stick,” whatever that is. Personally, if I had to show up night after night to beat rats to death, I think I’d bring a real stick, but maybe that’s just me.
@Moonshine, ok then. I am not familiar with White Plains so I will take your word for that. I will believe though that it is more pleasant than the city.
You feelin’ fertile, Myrtle?
Blog Guy, I’m hoping you can help answer a question for me. Where do babies come from?
Er, uh, you should probably ask your parents about that.
They told me to ask you, then they went off to work in their haberdashery.
Oh. Well, when a a man and a woman love each other very much, they pick up the phone and order a delivery from the Sperm Bike, which pedals over with a gallon of baby-starter.
You mean sort of like the ice cream man?
Sort of, if the ice cream was stored in liquid nitrogen-cooled vacuum containers and delivered by a medical technician on a bike.
I humbly offer a haiku:
A sperm bank cyclist
Going on his daily rounds
From banks to clinics
Attention! Everything has been recalled!
Blog Guy, I guess you’ve been reading about the huge recall of cantaloupes because of that deadly listeria outbreak?
Yes, but recalls in general are coming too fast to count. In the past month, we’ve had stories about recalls of lettuce, candy, ice cream, pine nuts, brewers yeast tablets, prawns, soy burgers, kale chips, spinach, organic eggs, frozen tuna…
Oh, I know all about that tuna recall. I’m piling my supply in my Chevy Equinox right now and driving it right back to the supermarket…
Your Equinox? Did you see that GM just recalled 36,000 of those and GMC Terrains to fix the tire pressure monitoring system?
No! Okay, I’ll return the tuna on my motorcycle, then.
I hope it’s not one of the 308,000 motorcycles that Harley-Davidson just recalled because of rear brake light switch problems.
Thank goodness I haven’t had to return anything yet. I don’t think that many people are really hurt by the recalls, it is a very very very small percentage in comparison to the billions of working (or decently working) items in the market.
Bag? What bag, Baby?
Hi Michelle, Sweetie, it’s me! I’m calling on my new iPhone, from Los Angeles. Where are you?
Oh, hey, Barack, you caught me just finishing a speech at a grocery here in Chicago.
I’m in the produce section, surrounded by apples and oranges and pears. You remember, we’re making that big push to see that city residents have access to fresh, nutritious foods.
Oh, right! Good luck with that, Michelle.
Barack, are you chewing on something? Are those fried chicken wings?
Fried chicken wings? OF COURSE NOT, Michelle! How could you even THINK I would do that, especially while you’re busy promoting healthy eating!
It’s a black day for candy lovers…
Okay, take that black stuff out of your mouth, put it on the floor, and back away.
That’s just me helping the government warn folks about the danger of eating too much licorice.
Noting that Halloween is only days away, the Food and Drug Administration has just warned that “If you’re 40 or older, eating 2 ounces of black licorice a day for at least two weeks could land you in the hospital with an irregular heart rhythm or arrhythmia.”
Excuse me? If you’re 40 or older and you’re still collecting candy door-to-door at Halloween, you may have problems way more serious than too much licorice.
The FDA warning further advises that “If you have been eating a lot of black licorice and have an irregular heart rhythm or muscle weakness, stop eating it immediately and contact your health care provider.
That’s their opinion. My own view is that if you’ve been eating that much black licorice, you may want to visit your dentist before anybody else gets a good look at you.
Why…………………..? ? ? ? ? Am I missing some details in the story ?
Lose weight the Christmas Party way!
It’s time for more of our etiquette tips aimed at people who were raised by warthogs in the wild.
Our latest advice is on diet etiquette for the holidays. You know, getting through parties and dinners while keeping both your diet and your friendships intact.
Our diet etiquette piece starts by advising you never to go to a party hungry. What you should do, our writer suggests, is have an apple or cheese or nuts before you go, “and drink a full glass of water before you head out.”
Of course this water strategy makes it extra special when your host greets you at the door with, “Welcome to our home, I hope you don’t need to use the toilet, because ours is totally broken.”
Regarding festive wine and cocktails, our etiquette writer says she herself “stopped drinking alcohol at parties a long time ago, when I realized it clouded my thinking.”
Really? Clouded your thinking? For instance did you find yourself eating apples and cheese and drinking water just before going to a party?
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Resident Oddly Enough blog Expert
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That dog looks just like Medo the bear, only a few years older. We’ll miss that bear too.
I will be having withdrawal symptoms soon. Maybe I’ll start blogging myself on facebook, and try to honour the BG’s spirit of blogging. Anyone else up for this? Maybe we should do a joint-blog together and give the throne to Mr. Bas himself.