Blog Guy, I know all contact sports have risks. Boxing, football, fencing, they can all take their toll. Is there any threat that is especially common to soccer players?

Absolutely. There is the tragedy of soccer blindness, as seen here in these terrifying photos. It afflicts hundreds of players every year, usually during an actual game.

Is it curable?

Yes, the player’s sight usually returns after someone leads him to the shower.

Blog Guy, I don’t want to second-guess your obvious expertise here, but it just looks like this guy’s shirt rode up on his face, and covered his eyes. I mean, it looks that simple.

You know nothing about it. For instance, in addition to loss of sight, the player in these photos complained of lack of smell and an “unusual tightness” across his cheeks.

He also suffered arm and wrist injuries trying to get into the locker room.

I’m so sorry, I didn’t know. Are they researching this cursed condition?

Yes, and I’m sure they’ll set up a charity soon. Please give generously. This athlete has suffered enough.

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Getafe’s Francisco Javier Casquero celebrates a goal against Espanyol during their Spanish first division soccer match at Cornella-El Prat stadium, near Barcelona, November 22, 2009. REUTERS/Albert Gea

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According to the founder of the World Toilet Organization, the reason people are so reluctant to talk about hygiene is that it isn’t cool. He may have a point.

Television and movies show us what’s cool, and they don’t show toilets. Sure, Fonzie frequently checked out his hair in the bathroom, but you just saw a mirror.

All of this could have been different if the toilet lobby had gotten into product placement early on.

Imagine the coolest characters in movie history. What if…

• Dirty Harry emerged from the men’s room to blast the punks, waddling with his trousers around his ankles…
• The last line in the immortal “Casablanca” was, “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Stop a sec, I gotta wizz…”
• In “The Great Escape,” Steve McQueen escaped the Nazis by pulling his motorcycle into a rest stop and slipping into a men’s room stall.
• The iconic quote was: “Bond, James Bond. You got a crapper I can use?”

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Above: Actors Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet slide down a large inflatable toilet slide for the premiere of the animated feature “Flushed Away” in New York City in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson

Below: The actual bathroom of the late actor Roddy MacDowell is on display at the Hollywood History Museum in a 2001 file photo. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

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On the topic of life imitating art, this guy in the bottom photo is straight out of one of my favorite short stories. I’ll be pretty impressed if any readers can identify it.

But enough of that. I hate to admit it, but I guess I just don’t get out enough.

We have a series of photos from something called a “sobering-up station,” which apparently they used to have a lot of over in Russia but now they don’t have so many because money is tight.

I’m not clear whether we have anything like those here, other than what we call our “homes,” unless you count the “drunk tank” at the jail. I suppose this Russian thing must be in-between those two extremes.

This particular “sobering-up station” is in Stavropol, which is the sister city of our own Des Moines, Iowa. I’m tempted to ask how drunk you have to be to need a sobering-up station, but I guess I already know the answer to that from the tattoos.

“Hi sweetie, I’m home! Yeah, I spent the night at the sobering-up station next door. Sorry I didn’t call, but I couldn’t remember what a telephone was.

“And by the way honey, you’re not even gonna BELIEVE what I found on my back this morning!”

Sobering up slideshow

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A sobering-up station in Russia’s southern city of Stavropol, November 12, 2009. Many of Moscow’s sobering-up stations, of which there were plenty in the days of the Soviet regime, have been closed due to lack of money. REUTERS/ Eduard Korniyenko

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First, I want to thank all you doctors for coming to this Humiliation Committee meeting to discuss our problem today. I know it’s a Thursday, so you should be enjoying a four-day weekend, as usual.

But it has come to our attention that the good old-fashioned butt check - and you all know what that involves - just doesn’t seem as demeaning and degrading as it used to.

I don’t know, maybe the lubricant got too good and it’s over too quickly. Maybe guys are just getting used to it. Heck, maybe we’re making it too much fun.

Anyway, what the committee has come up with is, we’re now going to have a nurse take PHOTOS of the procedure, just to turn up the mortification a notch or two.

What? Herb, that’s a BRILLIANT improvement! Yes, we COULD shoot video of it and post it on YouTube!

So we’ll start next week. Hah! These poor saps don’t know DEMEANING of the word Humiliation yet! Get it? Demeaning? I swear, I should be doing stand-up!

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A man goes through a medical examination for the People’s Liberation Army in Hefei, Anhui province, November 1, 2009. REUTERS/Stringer

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Quick quiz: If you’re a jittery driver, what’s a good way to steady your nerves before you hit the road?

• get plenty of sleep
• practice meditation
• think soothing, happy thoughts
• enjoy a refreshing alcoholic beverage

Yeah, I thought that last one was pretty lame myself, but it turns out a politician from Ireland’s governing party has said “jumpy” drivers might benefit from having a relaxing alcoholic drink to steady their nerves.

I am not making this up.

See, Ireland is debating whether to cut the legal blood alcohol content limit for motorists, and some members of parliament oppose lowering the limit which would rule out a traditional Irish pint of Guinness for those driving.

“If drink is such a sedative, it can make people who are jumpy on the road, or nervous, be more relaxed,” said Mattie McGrath, Fianna Fail’s Tipperary South representative.

Right, Mattie. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to be crossing the street someday  when one of those really relaxed drivers comes along.

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Above: Guinness Chairman Tony Greener sips from a giant eight pint glass of stout to publicize his company’s earnings announcement in a 1997 file photo. REUTERS/Chris Helgren

Below: A racegoer holds a pint of Guinness on St Patrick’s Day on the third day of the Cheltenham National Hunt Festival in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/Mike Finn-Kelcey

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Blog Guy, I need to get some medical advice from you in the strictest confidence. I am a very famous person. You may just call me Ronaldo.

Ah. You’re that guy from the big hamburger franchise? You ARE famous!

No. That would be Ronald McDonald. I myself am RONALDO, a huge soccer star, but I have injured my ankle. I need to play again soon. What do you recommend?

Get yourself some shamans - you know, magic guys. One of them should look like Muammar Gaddafi. The other one should have a dead rodent hanging from his neck.

A dead rodent… Hanging by what?

By what? By a Dead Rodent Strap, silly. What else would he use? They sell ‘em at Radio Shack.

Then what do the shamans do?

They get together this evening, holding a photo of you and some eyes and a skull and a gingerbread man cookie, and they chant.

Where did you learn all this stuff?

From a song in the musical, “South Pacific.”

Oh please don’t go where I think you’re going. What’s the song called?

“Shaman Chanted Evening,” of course.

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Peruvian shamans holding a poster of Portuguese soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo walk to perform a ritual in front of the Spanish Embassy in Lima October 19, 2009. The Peruvian shamans gathered outside the Spanish Embassy in Lima on Monday to channel their energies into fighting and removing what they say is a hex on Real Madrid forward Ronaldo, who is currently sidelined with an injured ankle. REUTERS/Mariana Bazo

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Blog Guy, I’m curious about the psychology of fashion models. Do they just wear anything they’re given, or do they have strong personal feelings about the creations?

That is a very astute question. Usually, a model wears any piece of rancid garbage some nutjob designer wraps around her wispy body.

On the left here, you can see a couple of examples from yesterday.

One model doesn’t seem to mind having a black face with white spots, and a jacket with bat wings. Another seems fine with a blouse made from packing twine and coat hangers.

But models DO have feelings that accumulate, and may explode in what mental health experts call a “WTF moment.”

That’s interesting. What does it look like?

I think it looks like this.

In the middle of a Fashion Week runway, it looks to me like this model below suddenly got a mental image of herself, with what looks like bird crap smeared on her face and hair, looking down to see her breast fully exposed to every slobbering loser who could sneak into the show.

Notice her fiery eyes. I think she’s just reached her “WTF moment.”  Her hands are twitching, steam is about to shoot from her ears, and I bet she is trying to recall how many bullets are left in the .44 magnum she has in her purse backstage. The next five minutes are NOT likely to be pretty.

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Models present creations by Ukranian designers during Ukrainian Fashion Week in Kiev October 18, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Konstantin Chernichkin

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Over there in Britain, some unions have set off a heated debate by demanding that women have the right to wear comfortable shoes in the workplace.

Guys, in case you’re total morons, “comfortable” is a code word for ugly.

My first reaction to this was fine, there’s no job where a woman really needs to wear stiletto heels, but after doing some research in our photo archive, I found quite a few.

It turns out you need high heels for farming, riding a motorcycle, running for vice-president and working in a car wash, just to name a few, and that’s not even to mention how much you need them if your job is being Jennifer Aniston.

Also, a group of foot doctors has muddied the waters by saying that wearing high heels can cause blisters, corns, calluses, foot, knee and back pain. Well, boo hoo! Speaking for Jennifer Aniston, I can live with that.

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Actress Jennifer Aniston poses at the premiere of her new film “Love Happens” in Los Angeles September 15, 2009.  REUTERS/ Fred Prouser

Assorted other heel shots. REUTERS photos

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Now don’t panic, readers. Appearances can be deceiving. I know it LOOKS like these folks have hooks piercing their skin, but in reality…

Oh, sorry. It turns out that IS what’s going on here.

“Bye Brenda, you have fun with your friends at the tattoo convention, and be careful!”

“Oh Ma, don’t worry! Before I let them touch me with a needle, I’ll make sure I’ve got razor-sharp steel hooks through my skin, so the ink won’t run all over.”

“Of course dear, but with that swine flu going around you can’t be too careful.”

“Jeez, Ma, it’s just hooks and cables and needles and ink! And besides, it’s COLOMBIA, for Lord’s sake, one of the safest places on earth!”

“I know, just remember to look your best, in case you meet a nice young man at the convention!”

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A man is suspended on hooks pierced through his skin during International Tattoo Convention in Bogota, August 16, 2009.

A woman has her chest tattooed as hooks are pierced through her skin during the convention.

REUTERS photos by Fredy Builes

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Quick quiz: In this photo on the right, President Obama is saying to the Kroger manager…

• “Five bucks for clementines? I pay $3.99 at the Safeway near the White House!
• “What the frick is a clementine?”
• “Do you sell these things in heavy syrup in a can?
• “I’m thinkin’ of gettin’ these for my death panels. You know how many pounds it takes to kill a really old person?”

Actually, the most interesting thing that happened at that Kroger visit was when Obama took a piece of fruit and ate it in front of everybody. The White House said he paid for it “seconds later.”

Well, maybe so, but I’ve tried the old, “Oh, I was GONNA pay you for that six-pound Cadbury bar I ate in aisle four,” and guess how well it worked for ME?

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Above: President Barack Obama holds a town hall meeting about health care at the Kroger Supermarket in Bristol, Virginia, July 29, 2009.

Right: Obama holds up a piece of fruit after biting into it.

REUTERS photos by Larry Downing

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