Quick quiz: If you’re a jittery driver, what’s a good way to steady your nerves before you hit the road?

• get plenty of sleep
• practice meditation
• think soothing, happy thoughts
• enjoy a refreshing alcoholic beverage

Yeah, I thought that last one was pretty lame myself, but it turns out a politician from Ireland’s governing party has said “jumpy” drivers might benefit from having a relaxing alcoholic drink to steady their nerves.

I am not making this up.

See, Ireland is debating whether to cut the legal blood alcohol content limit for motorists, and some members of parliament oppose lowering the limit which would rule out a traditional Irish pint of Guinness for those driving.

“If drink is such a sedative, it can make people who are jumpy on the road, or nervous, be more relaxed,” said Mattie McGrath, Fianna Fail’s Tipperary South representative.

Right, Mattie. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to be crossing the street someday  when one of those really relaxed drivers comes along.

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Above: Guinness Chairman Tony Greener sips from a giant eight pint glass of stout to publicize his company’s earnings announcement in a 1997 file photo. REUTERS/Chris Helgren

Below: A racegoer holds a pint of Guinness on St Patrick’s Day on the third day of the Cheltenham National Hunt Festival in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/Mike Finn-Kelcey

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Blog Guy, I need to get some medical advice from you in the strictest confidence. I am a very famous person. You may just call me Ronaldo.

Ah. You’re that guy from the big hamburger franchise? You ARE famous!

No. That would be Ronald McDonald. I myself am RONALDO, a huge soccer star, but I have injured my ankle. I need to play again soon. What do you recommend?

Get yourself some shamans - you know, magic guys. One of them should look like Muammar Gaddafi. The other one should have a dead rodent hanging from his neck.

A dead rodent… Hanging by what?

By what? By a Dead Rodent Strap, silly. What else would he use? They sell ‘em at Radio Shack.

Then what do the shamans do?

They get together this evening, holding a photo of you and some eyes and a skull and a gingerbread man cookie, and they chant.

Where did you learn all this stuff?

From a song in the musical, “South Pacific.”

Oh please don’t go where I think you’re going. What’s the song called?

“Shaman Chanted Evening,” of course.

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Peruvian shamans holding a poster of Portuguese soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo walk to perform a ritual in front of the Spanish Embassy in Lima October 19, 2009. The Peruvian shamans gathered outside the Spanish Embassy in Lima on Monday to channel their energies into fighting and removing what they say is a hex on Real Madrid forward Ronaldo, who is currently sidelined with an injured ankle. REUTERS/Mariana Bazo

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Blog Guy, I’m curious about the psychology of fashion models. Do they just wear anything they’re given, or do they have strong personal feelings about the creations?

That is a very astute question. Usually, a model wears any piece of rancid garbage some nutjob designer wraps around her wispy body.

On the left here, you can see a couple of examples from yesterday.

One model doesn’t seem to mind having a black face with white spots, and a jacket with bat wings. Another seems fine with a blouse made from packing twine and coat hangers.

But models DO have feelings that accumulate, and may explode in what mental health experts call a “WTF moment.”

That’s interesting. What does it look like?

I think it looks like this.

In the middle of a Fashion Week runway, it looks to me like this model below suddenly got a mental image of herself, with what looks like bird crap smeared on her face and hair, looking down to see her breast fully exposed to every slobbering loser who could sneak into the show.

Notice her fiery eyes. I think she’s just reached her “WTF moment.”  Her hands are twitching, steam is about to shoot from her ears, and I bet she is trying to recall how many bullets are left in the .44 magnum she has in her purse backstage. The next five minutes are NOT likely to be pretty.

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Models present creations by Ukranian designers during Ukrainian Fashion Week in Kiev October 18, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Konstantin Chernichkin

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Over there in Britain, some unions have set off a heated debate by demanding that women have the right to wear comfortable shoes in the workplace.

Guys, in case you’re total morons, “comfortable” is a code word for ugly.

My first reaction to this was fine, there’s no job where a woman really needs to wear stiletto heels, but after doing some research in our photo archive, I found quite a few.

It turns out you need high heels for farming, riding a motorcycle, running for vice-president and working in a car wash, just to name a few, and that’s not even to mention how much you need them if your job is being Jennifer Aniston.

Also, a group of foot doctors has muddied the waters by saying that wearing high heels can cause blisters, corns, calluses, foot, knee and back pain. Well, boo hoo! Speaking for Jennifer Aniston, I can live with that.

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Actress Jennifer Aniston poses at the premiere of her new film “Love Happens” in Los Angeles September 15, 2009.  REUTERS/ Fred Prouser

Assorted other heel shots. REUTERS photos

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Now don’t panic, readers. Appearances can be deceiving. I know it LOOKS like these folks have hooks piercing their skin, but in reality…

Oh, sorry. It turns out that IS what’s going on here.

“Bye Brenda, you have fun with your friends at the tattoo convention, and be careful!”

“Oh Ma, don’t worry! Before I let them touch me with a needle, I’ll make sure I’ve got razor-sharp steel hooks through my skin, so the ink won’t run all over.”

“Of course dear, but with that swine flu going around you can’t be too careful.”

“Jeez, Ma, it’s just hooks and cables and needles and ink! And besides, it’s COLOMBIA, for Lord’s sake, one of the safest places on earth!”

“I know, just remember to look your best, in case you meet a nice young man at the convention!”

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A man is suspended on hooks pierced through his skin during International Tattoo Convention in Bogota, August 16, 2009.

A woman has her chest tattooed as hooks are pierced through her skin during the convention.

REUTERS photos by Fredy Builes

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Quick quiz: In this photo on the right, President Obama is saying to the Kroger manager…

• “Five bucks for clementines? I pay $3.99 at the Safeway near the White House!
• “What the frick is a clementine?”
• “Do you sell these things in heavy syrup in a can?
• “I’m thinkin’ of gettin’ these for my death panels. You know how many pounds it takes to kill a really old person?”

Actually, the most interesting thing that happened at that Kroger visit was when Obama took a piece of fruit and ate it in front of everybody. The White House said he paid for it “seconds later.”

Well, maybe so, but I’ve tried the old, “Oh, I was GONNA pay you for that six-pound Cadbury bar I ate in aisle four,” and guess how well it worked for ME?

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Above: President Barack Obama holds a town hall meeting about health care at the Kroger Supermarket in Bristol, Virginia, July 29, 2009.

Right: Obama holds up a piece of fruit after biting into it.

REUTERS photos by Larry Downing

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Today we have a video report on a woman who has created something truly remarkable - what she believes to be the world’s biggest scissors.

I think this may be the same person who last year designed a super laser and nearly captured the record for the most laser eye surgeries in under two minutes.

She would have won it, too, had it not been for a few pathetic whiners in the group.

“My eyes! My eyes! Help me!” Oh please, get a spine!

But I digress. Anyway, she’s back now with these huge scissors.

I’m guessing her new goal is to perform the most vasectomies with an unsterilized instrument in under five minutes!

She needs volunteers, so guys, step up and help a worthy cause.

Warning: If you’re one of those wimps who cried about your melting eyeballs last time, then just stay at home with your guide dog.

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People often say to me, “Bob, how do you stay so thin?”

Of course they’re just being sarcastic and cruel, but it happens I am on an unusual diet these days, and expect to be ready for a Cape Cod beach vacation by November.

My secret? I’ve gone on the “Live with saggy naked people diet.”

It’s easy. You just live for a few weeks in a resort for “naturists,” which is what wrinkly naked people call themselves these days, and you go where they go.

Hungry? Just bike on over to the food counter and stand behind one of them while they order. Your appetite will be gone for hours.

Think you’ll just stop by the drug store for some candy? Once you see those people flipping through the magazines you will not only never eat candy again, you’ll probably never read magazines again, either!

I rarely do endorsements, but this is the easiest, most effective diet there is. Unless of course you’re already a saggy naturist. Then you’ve got a problem.

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Above: Naturists browse magazines from the display counter of a shop at the Heliomarin Centre in Montalivet, France, on August 5, 2009.

Left: Naturists wait to be served at a food counter at a shop at the Heliomarin Centre.

REUTERS photos by Regis Duvignau

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Blog Guy, I’m attending a huge heavy metal festival in Wacken, Germany, and the officials here have just asked us to avoid “hugging, kissing on the cheek, and shaking hands,” for fear of spreading that H1N1 flu.

What’s the fun of being a reveler if we can’t do those things? Not to mention, who wants to listen to this heavy metal crap without something else to distract them?

Yeah, I hear you. Time to get out the old lizard, dude!

Please, PLEASE tell me “get out the old lizard” is a euphemism for something?

Nope. When I was a kid, back at Woodstock, there wasn’t much kissing either, mostly because we were just too damned ugly. So instead, we all took pet lizards with us. Under the right circumstances, they’re not that bad.

Ewwwwwwww! Stop! Stop!

It’s just like Jimmy Morrison of The Doors used to sing, “I am the lizard king, I can do anything…”

You win, Blog Guy! You are from the 60’s, the BADDEST generation. Here I am, lizardless in Wacken, with nobody to even hold my hand….

Thanks. You know, I could have gone a different direction with an event in a place called Wacken….

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Above: Revelers on their way to the festival area during annual heavy metal music open-air festival in the northern German village of Wacken, Germany, July 30, 2009. REUTERS/Morris Mac Matzen

Right: Zhao Jing poses with his pet lizard on a street in Wuhan, China, July 29, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

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Blog Guy, I’ve helped raise contributions for one of those fantastic floating hospitals, the ones that take operating rooms to distant places to help sick people. Why don’t you ever write about those?

Well, I’m sure some of them are wonderful, but some I’ve seen first-hand have been a bit disappointing. Like the one in this photo.

Gosh, that may be the one I supported! I must say, the ship looks much larger in the stuff the charity sends out to solicit funds.

Just trick photography. This so-called “floating hospital” doesn’t even have a gift shop or a rude receptionist. Not even a tiny closet where the nurses and doctors have sex, like on television.

How disappointing. So what diseases does this one mostly treat?

It specializes 100 percent in treating sea sickness.

Hold on. Surely the patients wouldn’t HAVE sea sickness if they weren’t taken out on choppy waters in this little-bitty crappy raft?

You catch on quickly. Take them back to dry land, and they’re fine almost instantly. Didn’t you ever wonder why the treatment success rate was so high?

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A “surgical team” takes part in the “Sailing on Anything” floating championships on the Netta River in Augustow, Poland, July 26, 2009. Participants are required to construct “machines” without an engine that are able to travel a minimum of 400 yards. REUTERS/ Peter Andrews

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