Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

“How’s your Bypass Burger, Lonnie? Lon? Lon!”

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The problem with providing health care to every American is that it would even go to patrons of the Heart Attack Grill, a hospital-themed restaurant in Arizona.

That eatery, employing all the knee- slapping humor that life-threatening coronary disease has to offer, serves up a “Quadruple Bypass Burger” to customers, and when they’re finished, a waitress pushes them out to the car in a wheelchair.

If you think I’m making this up, check out our slideshow.

If this place is a success, look for restaurants exploiting the rich humor to be found in brain tumors, Alzheimer’s and third degree burns.

“Sorry sir, our “Big Burn Burger’ only comes well-done…”

Hey Fred, there’s a weakling at the door!

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Quick quiz: It’s late one evening. You’re going door-to-door selling cheap homemade lunchmeat, and these three guys open the door.

You say to them…

a) “I smell oil. You guys frying something?”

b) You gladiators ain’t welcome around here!”

c) “I could look like that myself, if I was nuts.”

d) “Is this a house full of Libertarians?”

e) “Do you have a minute to talk about the Lord?”

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Competitors watch a performance from backstage during the Hong Kong Bodybuilding Championships, June 14, 2009. REUTERS/ Aaron Tam

Nurse, bring me a scalpel and an ashtray

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Some radical news from Beijing. China is going to ban smoking in all hospitals. What a concept, preventing smoking in a building filled with sick people, many of them already seriously ill from smoking.

Mind you, they’re not going to ban it until 2011. I guess it takes a while to print out some “NO SMOKING” signs and Scotch-tape them to the walls or whatever.

The route behind your snout?

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Bye Mom, I’m off to school!

Not so fast, young lady! Did you brush your teeth?  Floss your nasal passages?

Mom! As IF I’d ever forget to floss my passages!

Welcome back to Hygiene Minute. The above has been a simulated conversation to show the importance of keeping those passages squeaky clean.

Just thread some string or tubing into your nostril and out of your mouth, then go back and forth, kind of like a hack saw.

Dressing the swine for the flu?

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Lots of guys have written in asking me how they should dress during a flu pandemic, if we have one.

“Bobby,” one of them said, “chicks will need my sweet lovin’ to get ‘em through this, so I have to stay alive and keep lookin’ hot.”

Who was that masked man? And where’s my Rolex?

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Hello, police? I need to report a robbery. My department store was robbed today. They took a bunch of wristwatches from our jewelry department.

Did I get a look at the thieves? You bet! They were wearing surgical masks.

What? Did I notice every person on the street today? Now that you mention it, they WERE all wearing surgical masks!  Oh, right - the flu.

Blah blah pipeline blah blah blah

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Blog Guy, I have a medical question. Among all the various ages, ethnicities, ages, races and professions, is there any single group that is most at risk for attention deficit disorders?

Absolutely. Recent studies show that officials in the natural gas field are 32 times more likely to have attention issues. Here are a bunch of those guys simply trying to pose for a group photo at a recent meeting. They can’t even look at a frickin’ camera and say cheese.

Skinny Minnie and the pageant?

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Let’s face it, the human skeleton is a sexy thing. You take a bunch of bare bones, add a bikini, and you’ve got the makings of a beauty queen, right?

No, I don’t think so either, I just wanted to prepare readers for a controversy in Australia, where a contestant in the Miss Universe Australia pageant was 5’11″ tall but weighed only 108 pounds.

And what became of the monk, the monk, the monk?

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Quick quiz: The man in this photo…

a) is a professional aspirin tester, giving himself a routine headache at the start of his workday.

b) is a Kindle reader who just HATES the new John Grisham book!

c) is disappointed to realize he could’ve had a V8.

d) is killing flies by a method that isn’t doctor-recommended.

This item is for all you college seniors writing in to ask me about careers in the exciting field of iron sheet disposal. I can tell you from tough personal experience that it’s not as glamorous as it looks.

It don’t get much worse than this!

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I’m not going to prolong it. The Worst Job in the World title came down to a number of factors – danger, grossness, fecalocitude, etc.

In the end, I had to choose the worst job I happen to have a photo of, and that brings us to the exciting field of elephant proctology.