Today we have a video report on a woman who has created something truly remarkable - what she believes to be the world’s biggest scissors.

I think this may be the same person who last year designed a super laser and nearly captured the record for the most laser eye surgeries in under two minutes.

She would have won it, too, had it not been for a few pathetic whiners in the group.

“My eyes! My eyes! Help me!” Oh please, get a spine!

But I digress. Anyway, she’s back now with these huge scissors.

I’m guessing her new goal is to perform the most vasectomies with an unsterilized instrument in under five minutes!

She needs volunteers, so guys, step up and help a worthy cause.

Warning: If you’re one of those wimps who cried about your melting eyeballs last time, then just stay at home with your guide dog.

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People often say to me, “Bob, how do you stay so thin?”

Of course they’re just being sarcastic and cruel, but it happens I am on an unusual diet these days, and expect to be ready for a Cape Cod beach vacation by November.

My secret? I’ve gone on the “Live with saggy naked people diet.”

It’s easy. You just live for a few weeks in a resort for “naturists,” which is what wrinkly naked people call themselves these days, and you go where they go.

Hungry? Just bike on over to the food counter and stand behind one of them while they order. Your appetite will be gone for hours.

Think you’ll just stop by the drug store for some candy? Once you see those people flipping through the magazines you will not only never eat candy again, you’ll probably never read magazines again, either!

I rarely do endorsements, but this is the easiest, most effective diet there is. Unless of course you’re already a saggy naturist. Then you’ve got a problem.

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Above: Naturists browse magazines from the display counter of a shop at the Heliomarin Centre in Montalivet, France, on August 5, 2009.

Left: Naturists wait to be served at a food counter at a shop at the Heliomarin Centre.

REUTERS photos by Regis Duvignau

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Blog Guy, I’m attending a huge heavy metal festival in Wacken, Germany, and the officials here have just asked us to avoid “hugging, kissing on the cheek, and shaking hands,” for fear of spreading that H1N1 flu.

What’s the fun of being a reveler if we can’t do those things? Not to mention, who wants to listen to this heavy metal crap without something else to distract them?

Yeah, I hear you. Time to get out the old lizard, dude!

Please, PLEASE tell me “get out the old lizard” is a euphemism for something?

Nope. When I was a kid, back at Woodstock, there wasn’t much kissing either, mostly because we were just too damned ugly. So instead, we all took pet lizards with us. Under the right circumstances, they’re not that bad.

Ewwwwwwww! Stop! Stop!

It’s just like Jimmy Morrison of The Doors used to sing, “I am the lizard king, I can do anything…”

You win, Blog Guy! You are from the 60’s, the BADDEST generation. Here I am, lizardless in Wacken, with nobody to even hold my hand….

Thanks. You know, I could have gone a different direction with an event in a place called Wacken….

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Above: Revelers on their way to the festival area during annual heavy metal music open-air festival in the northern German village of Wacken, Germany, July 30, 2009. REUTERS/Morris Mac Matzen

Right: Zhao Jing poses with his pet lizard on a street in Wuhan, China, July 29, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

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Blog Guy, I’ve helped raise contributions for one of those fantastic floating hospitals, the ones that take operating rooms to distant places to help sick people. Why don’t you ever write about those?

Well, I’m sure some of them are wonderful, but some I’ve seen first-hand have been a bit disappointing. Like the one in this photo.

Gosh, that may be the one I supported! I must say, the ship looks much larger in the stuff the charity sends out to solicit funds.

Just trick photography. This so-called “floating hospital” doesn’t even have a gift shop or a rude receptionist. Not even a tiny closet where the nurses and doctors have sex, like on television.

How disappointing. So what diseases does this one mostly treat?

It specializes 100 percent in treating sea sickness.

Hold on. Surely the patients wouldn’t HAVE sea sickness if they weren’t taken out on choppy waters in this little-bitty crappy raft?

You catch on quickly. Take them back to dry land, and they’re fine almost instantly. Didn’t you ever wonder why the treatment success rate was so high?

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A “surgical team” takes part in the “Sailing on Anything” floating championships on the Netta River in Augustow, Poland, July 26, 2009. Participants are required to construct “machines” without an engine that are able to travel a minimum of 400 yards. REUTERS/ Peter Andrews

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Blog Guy, I heard there has been a huge recall of military weapons because of a safety defect. What can you tell us about this?

It’s true. It turns out if you open that little thingy on the side and stick your forefinger in there and then let the bolt slam against it enough times, your finger will turn purple, as shown by the victim in this photo.

But if you don’t do that, your finger will be fine?

Sure.

I see. What’s the worst thing that happens if you do this to your finger? Is it fatal?

No! But if you’re in one of those places where a purple finger means you’ve already voted, then the guys that do this to themselves could be disenfranchised.

Uh-huh. That sounds like Darwinism working just as it should…

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A Kurdish Peshmerga soldier keeps his finger with indelible ink near the trigger of his weapon after voting during a regional parliament election at a polling station in Baghdad, July 23, 2009. REUTERS/ Mohammed Ameen

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You’re not going to believe this. The guy in the photo below, according to our caption, is a snake oil salesman.

That’s right. The very phrase synonymous with hooey, bunkum, hogwash, and still he’s making a living at it in Myanmar. Don’t they have thesauruses over there?

I personally like to imagine that he even has business cards saying, like, “Lonnie Johnson, Snake Oil Salesman Extraordinaire!”

“Joey, our snakes have been squeaky lately. Run up the street to Lonnie’s blanket and buy a worthless preparation, please.”

“Oh Ma, isn’t there someplace else we can get a quack remedy?”

“No young man, Lonnie has the best worthless preparations in all Yangon. That’s why he has his own blanket!”

“Okay, Ma. Can I get some magic beans, too?”

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A man displays snakes while selling snake oil street-side in Yangon July 22, 2009. The oil is used as traditional medicine to treat pain. REUTERS/ Soe Zeya Tun

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Oh crap, what have I done? I’m pretty sure this is about the time that bull is supposed to be dead.

I KNOW I shouldn’t be riding upside-down on his back, hanging onto these pointy things while idiots laugh at me from the stands.

I should’ve listened to my guidance counselor who wanted me to go into TV repair. But I said, “No, I REALLY want to wear pink socks!”

I thought guys were supposed to rush out to help me! Those “machine gunadors” are supposed to save me!

And where are the flame-throweradors? Is that just a joke they play on new matadors?”

Why didn’t I just call in sick and go out for sangria with that cute senorita who sells flan?

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Spanish bullfighter Jose Tomas is tossed by a bull during a bullfight in Barcelona, July 5, 2009. REUTERS/ Carlos Cazalis

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Quick quiz: It’s late one evening. You’re going door-to-door selling cheap homemade lunchmeat, and these three guys open the door.

You say to them…

a) “I smell oil. You guys frying something?”

b) You gladiators ain’t welcome around here!”

c) “I could look like that myself, if I was nuts.”

d) “Is this a house full of Libertarians?”

e) “Do you have a minute to talk about the Lord?”

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Competitors watch a performance from backstage during the Hong Kong Bodybuilding Championships, June 14, 2009. REUTERS/ Aaron Tam

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Some radical news from Beijing. China is going to ban smoking in all hospitals. What a concept, preventing smoking in a building filled with sick people, many of them already seriously ill from smoking.

Mind you, they’re not going to ban it until 2011. I guess it takes a while to print out some “NO SMOKING” signs and Scotch-tape them to the walls or whatever.

Or maybe the long delay is to allow heavy smokers who are planning elective surgery to go ahead and get it out of the way while they can still enjoy their stay.

To answer some of the questions that will arise from this news, yes, it is my understanding that the ban will include doctors performing operations and nurses in oxygen tents.

I believe it will even apply to patients undergoing lengthy surgery, even though they aren’t able to go outside for a cigarette break. I’m still checking to find out if it applies to children under six.

Smoking in China slideshow

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Above: A boy smokes a cigarette in Xiahe, western China’s Gansu province, in a 2006 photo. REUTERS/ Jason Lee

Right: Parents visit their sick child in a hospital in the rural village of Chao Jiang in southwest China’s Yunnan province, in a 2007 photo. REUTERS/Nir Elias

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Bye Mom, I’m off to school!

Not so fast, young lady! Did you brush your teeth?  Floss your nasal passages?

Mom! As IF I’d ever forget to floss my passages!

Welcome back to Hygiene Minute. The above has been a simulated conversation to show the importance of keeping those passages squeaky clean.

Just thread some string or tubing into your nostril and out of your mouth, then go back and forth, kind of like a hack saw.

Doesn’t that feel better? Now, all the junk that has to go from your mouth to your nose can get there easily. Like, you know, streams of milk when you’re watching the Stooges, and stuff like that.

Coming tomorrow: Getting to those hard-to-reach areas between your ears and cerebral cortex! Get your pipe-cleaners ready!

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Students perform Rubber Neti, an ancient yogic technique, in Chandigarh, India, May 21, 2009. Many Indians believe that Rubber Neti controls the common cold, cough and asthma and keeps the nasal passages clean.

REUTERS/Ajay Verma

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