Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Damn it, Jim! I’m a doctor not a…

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Blog Guy, you’re a very well connected Washington insider. Now that it looks like we’re really going to have health care legislation, will there be these so-called “death panels” that decide whether folks live or die?

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Sad to say, I believe there will be, and in fact a few of the Death Panels have already started working. As this extraordinary photo shows, the anonymous masked panel members even render their God-like verdicts on small children, like this helpless tyke in a hospital bed.

Wait a minute. Hold the damned phone. I think that’s Pippi Longstocking!

hospital doll crop 260I’m not so sure, but if it is, do you think celebrities should get special treatment from the Death Panels?

You’re missing the point, Blog Guy!

I hear that a lot.

Now try to follow me here. It appears to me that this is only a doll, not a real person. Do  you understand now? Is it sinking in?

A wake-up call on global warming?

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Blog Guy, you have to help me! I’m frantic from worrying about global warming. I think about it all the time, and now I can’t sleep. I’m a physical wreck…

Calm down. If you want help, get yourself over to Copenhagen, where those U.N. climate talks are going on.

Who’s that leeched blonde over there?

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Blog Guy, you’re an expert at fashion and beauty advice. I really need help attracting men. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m an attractive blue-eyed blonde, I accessorize tastefully, I…

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Let me stop you there for a minute, honey. There’s a freaking worm crawling across your face!

I can never play soccer again!

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Blog Guy, I know all contact sports have risks. Boxing, football, fencing, they can all take their toll. Is there any threat that is especially common to soccer players?

Absolutely. There is the tragedy of soccer blindness, as seen here in these terrifying photos. It afflicts hundreds of players every year, usually during an actual game.

If superstars went to the bathroom…

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According to the founder of the World Toilet Organization, the reason people are so reluctant to talk about hygiene is that it isn’t cool. He may have a point.

Television and movies show us what’s cool, and they don’t show toilets. Sure, Fonzie frequently checked out his hair in the bathroom, but you just saw a mirror.

A very sobering experience?

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On the topic of life imitating art, this guy in the bottom photo is straight out of one of my favorite short stories. I’ll be pretty impressed if any readers can identify it.

But enough of that. I hate to admit it, but I guess I just don’t get out enough.

One more crack out of you…

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First, I want to thank all you doctors for coming to this Humiliation Committee meeting to discuss our problem today. I know it’s a Thursday, so you should be enjoying a four-day weekend, as usual.

But it has come to our attention that the good old-fashioned butt check – and you all know what that involves – just doesn’t seem as demeaning and degrading as it used to.

One for the road? Are you fricking serious?

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Quick quiz: If you’re a jittery driver, what’s a good way to steady your nerves before you hit the road?

    get plenty of sleep practice meditation think soothing, happy thoughts enjoy a refreshing alcoholic beverage

Yeah, I thought that last one was pretty lame myself, but it turns out a politician from Ireland’s governing party has said “jumpy” drivers might benefit from having a relaxing alcoholic drink to steady their nerves.

A miracle cure? No chants!

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Blog Guy, I need to get some medical advice from you in the strictest confidence. I am a very famous person. You may just call me Ronaldo.

Ah. You’re that guy from the big hamburger franchise? You ARE famous!

No. That would be Ronald McDonald. I myself am RONALDO, a huge soccer star, but I have injured my ankle. I need to play again soon. What do you recommend?

Watch out! Number four is gonna blow!

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Blog Guy, I’m curious about the psychology of fashion models. Do they just wear anything they’re given, or do they have strong personal feelings about the creations?

That is a very astute question. Usually, a model wears any piece of rancid garbage some nutjob designer wraps around her wispy body.