Oddly Enough Blog

So that’s basic cable, huh?

Lamar, we are very eager to see the new cable car system you’ve designed for our highest mountain, nearly 10,000 feet. May we take off the blindfolds now?

Absolutely. If you look through your binoculars toward Zugspitze, you’ll see the sleek, shiny cable cars of…

Excuse me, Lamar, it doesn’t look like there’s anyone inside that cable car. My GOD, there are people on TOP of it!

That’s right. That way, there’s a much better view and they can breathe in the mountain air.

But…but…what is inside the cars?

You’re kidding me, right? Right?

Blog Guy, everybody knows you give the best travel advice. I’m out of my mind, like totally nuts, and I’m looking for a good vacation spot.

Have you been to that viewing platform I wrote about in the Bavarian Alps?

Of course. Opening day.

How about The Ledge at the Sears Tower in Chicago?

Been there.

That walkway over the Grand Canyon?

Hardware store? Send more wingnuts!

Blog Guy, I need some of your famous career advice. I recently graduated from college, and Mom gave me a brochure called “The Exciting World of Wing Walking.” I was wondering if I should pursue this?

I guess everybody goes through that phase, including me… We all want to be like Ormer Locklear, the first great daredevil wing walker. THERE was a barnstormer!

Whatever happened to Ormer?

He died in a plane crash while shooting a 1920 movie, “The Skywayman.” They went ahead and used the crash scene in the movie.

I certainly had no idea that you yourself were once a wing walker!

Well, I fell more into the category of wing barfer, but it’s the same general idea. There’s still that adrenaline rush that comes with clutching the top wing with your fingernails while watching your lunch cascade below.

One small step for man…aaaahhhhhh!!!

Blog Guy, you strike me as a guy who would like practical jokes.

No way. Too many of those things are cruel, sick, mean-spirited and make me cringe.

Oh come on, I can tell from the humor in your blog, you’ve contemplated some pretty funny tricks on your fellow man, even if you never went through with them.

Well, I have thought of a few impish monkeyshines now and then, sure.

That’s better. So go ahead and tell me one of them. What would you do?

Okay, but just between the two of us?

You have my word.

It Alps if you don’t look down…

Blog Guy, you used to offer a valuable travel service by writing about places to stay away from. For the past three summers my family has taken your advice and crossed dozens of destinations off our list, but now we’re at a loss as to where not to go.

I’m sorry, reader. I hope it’s not too late for you to stay at home again this summer, because they’re about to open another “Are You Fricking Kidding Me?” tourist attraction over in Germany.

Oh good! Tell us what we’re staying away from this time!

It’s a so-called “viewing platform” a half-mile up in the Bavarian Alps. Clearly, if God had wanted us to have that view, there would already be solid ground there.

But look, the caption says the scene from this platform is “panoramic.”

Oh, get a grip. “Panoramic” is nothing but travel industry shorthand for “Isn’t that the chili dog you had for lunch?”

That’s my tongue trailing 40 feet behind me?

Boy, am I pissed!

According to a Reuters story, some guy is going to step out of a capsule lifted 120,000 feet by a balloon and leap to Earth, becoming the first man to break the sound barrier without an aircraft.

Why the heck didn’t I think of that?

So now THIS guy gets to have the fun of plummeting so fast he won’t be able to hear himself scream, because his own shriek will just follow along behind him.

This of course is just exactly the way the Good Lord meant for us to travel.

While the story estimates the trip down will take roughly 21 minutes, I gather it could be a lot briefer if something goes wrong with his parachute.

What’s that big thing near the drop zone?

Blog Guy, did you read about those guys who made the highest parachute landing ever at a drop zone near Mount Everest last week?

So they had the danger of diving from four miles up, AND they had to avoid hitting Mount Everest! They must be REALLY macho!

Total weenies, those guys. If they had only checked around, they would have found much more dangerous new combo sports. Just to name a few:

• Jumping over Everest from four miles up while playing Russian roulette
• Jumping over Everest from four miles up in a jumpsuit full of cobras
• Jumping over Everest from four miles up with a three-mile bungee cord attached to the airplane
• Jumping over Everest from four miles up while listening to Barry Manilow on your iPod

Wow! Do you need a special parachute for those combo sports?

Who said anything about a parachute?

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Look, up in the sky! A blogger who works holidays!

Blog Guy, I saw a Reuters shot of this guy doing a Superman leap in diving competition in Switzerland this weekend, and he looked a lot like you. I guess we shouldn’t expect a new blog post tomorrow?

Several readers asked this. First off, if you’ve read my various posts about heights, you know that I oppose doing anything from an altitude, especially jumping from it.

Now, this guy is diving from a 26-meter platform, which is about 85 feet. Since that’s higher than six inches off the ground, that wouldn’t be me in the photo.

If for some reason it WAS me, I wouldn’t be posing like Superman. I’d look like a cartoon character with eyes bulging two feet out of my head, squealing like a castrato.

Lastly, unlike most blogs and liquor stores, I’m always open. There’s new stuff every day, including Labor Day. So come on back for a visit and bring your friends.

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Don’t wait for me out on The Ledge

Many readers write in to ask, “Bob, where are you going on vacation this year, because we want to make sure we don’t run into you?”

My advice is, visit The Ledge, opening today at the Sears Tower in Chicago. If you’re out on The Ledge and some other guy is there, he won’t be me.

What are people thinking, going out on a clear thingy that lets them look 103 floors straight down?

Do you know how many of these things fall off the sides of buildings carrying visitors to their death every year? I don’t actually know the answer, but I just assume it’s a lot of them.

I also assume they made this thing from cheap coffee table glass, and stuck it on the side of the Sears Tower with Elmer’s Glue, because that’s how I would do it.

But don’t just listen to me. There are plenty of really important Chicago people, like Oprah Winfrey and sometimes Barack Obama and that Bob Newhart psychologist guy. When you see one of THEM out on this contraption, you let me know.

Friar takes a flier?

Welcome back to our popular feature, Stuff Maybe we Should Have Mentioned in the Caption, but Didn’t.************Now, the actual photo caption we put on these pictures tells us a man dressed as a friar is jumping off a 33-foot cliff at a restaurant in Peru, as a tourist attraction.******Huh? He’s doing what? In fairness, our caption also says the restaurant’s name is “The Jump of the Friar,” so either this is quite an amazing coincidence, or else the guy works for the place.******I suppose he’s just happy they didn’t decide to name it “The Beheading of the Friar” or the “Colonoscopy of the Friar” or something like that.******But anyway, here’s my point. You recent college graduates with difficult-to-market skills should pay attention. One of these days this guy won’t come out of the water, which is your opportunity to be the star attraction at Peru’s newest cliff-side eatery, “The Jump of the Creative Writing Major.” Hey, it’s a job.***

Tweat yourself to this blog on Twitter at rbasler

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************A man dressed as a friar jumps from a ten meter (33 feet) cliff at “The Jump of the Friar,” a local restaurant, as a tourist attraction in Lima, May 28, 2009. REUTERS/ Pilar Olivares