My Dear Mr. Gifford,

I regret that I shall not be able to join your upcoming mass parachute jump over Mount Everest, though it sounds exciting to hurtle past the 29,000-foot peak and land on a drop zone at 12,000 feet. I’m afraid my parachute is at the dry cleaners.

You have been quoted as saying this feat “has never been done before.” Actually, I believe there may be good reasons for that.

Also, I do not want to join the group that holds trampolines to catch unlucky jumpers whose chutes don’t open. I have seen numerous Daffy Duck cartoons, and those things do not work so well.

As an animal lover, though, I do applaud your efforts to supply the vultures with plenty of fresh meat for the cold weather ahead.

Don’t forget to wave.

Bob

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Nigel Gifford organizer of the skydiving team, demonstrates the use of an oxygen mask on one of his diving members in Kathmandu, September 23, 2008. REUTERS/Gopal Chitrakar

REUTERS Everest shot by David Gray

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Hey, Blog Guy - Do you believe all this stuff the airlines are starting to charge extra for? Aisle seats, pillows, soft drinks… How far can they go with this?

That’s only the beginning. Check out this video clip . One airline is standing passengers against upright poles on top of old biplanes.

Oh my God! They’re strapping people to POLES?

Well, a strap costs extra, but it’s worth it on trips over four hours.

Amazing! Any advice for people flying like this?

Yeah. Try to avoid travel to winter destinations.

Hey! If you fly up there, how do you go to the bathroom?

Oh, please! Do I have to draw you a diagram?

Join Facebook’s Oddly Enough network! That many readers can’t be wrong…

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Last week I reported on the stupid sport of Appliance Golf, and now I’ve got something even dumber. It’s Vertical Soccer, which combines two of my least-favorite things: strenuous exercise and hanging from great heights.

These are actual photos showing players dangling while trying to score vertical goals. The perfect sport for folks with way too much spare time, and not a lot of reason to live.

Here’s the thing. I’m not worried about the players. Guys like this, if they weren’t doing this particular stupid thing, would be doing some other stupid thing. The people I worry about are the innocent passers-by down below. Someday, one of them is going to be flattened by a falling vertical soccer player, and what a very humiliating obituary that’s going to make.

Coming next week, Vertical Bowling.

A man tries to score on a vertical soccer field during a public viewing event at Munich’s airport June 29, 2008.  REUTERS/Michaela Rehle

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Just what we need, another frickin’ super hero. This one’s “Fusion Man,” and check out the slideshow. I guess he has an okay act, if you’re impressed by a macho hunk soaring majestically over the Alps in a rocket suit, nothing below him but miles of blue sky. But I worry that all the good super personas have been taken, leaving nothing for guys like me.

I need something just a little safer, so I’m trademarking my own super character, “Airport Moving Sidewalk Man!” Picture the scene:

“Someone PLEASE help me! Ruffians have grabbed my duty-free Chivas Regal!”

“Fear not, gentle lady! “Airport Moving Sidewalk Man” is on their trail!”

“But they’re running, and you’re barely moving on that sidewalk! You’re an imbecile!”

“No need to thank me, ma’am, just doing what’s right…”

Related post: I’m Toothache Man! You know the drill!

Former professional Swiss military pilot Yves Rossy, also known as “Fusionman,” soars in the sky like a rocketeer in the southern Swiss Alps near Bex May 14, 2008. REUTERS/Denis Balibouse

Yeah, Commander, we have a spectacular show for the graduation ceremony. You won’t believe it!

We take a volunteer up in a helicopter, see, and drop him out. The crowd goes nuts! Then, at the last possible second, a motorcycle zooms out of nowhere and tries to catch him!

Huh? Success rate? Are you stupid? That’s a real tough trick! We’ve never actually caught him, but we’ve come pretty danged close a couple of times. This could be our lucky day!

Related: That’s sumpthin’ you don’t see at every race…

A graduating policeman gives an acrobatic presentation during graduation ceremony in Baghdad, May 8, 2008. REUTERS/ Mahmoud Raouf Mahmoud

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Blog Guy, you see so much stuff while combing the Earth for the bizarre, I bet nothing even shocks you anymore.

You’d lose that bet. Take a look at this tradition, where people drop babies from a tall building so they will grow up healthy and strong.

You’re making that up!

Check out the video report.

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We’re starting to get more and more photos of events like this, where you eat lunch at a table that is suspended by a crane, four miles up in the air.

Okay, maybe not exactly four whole miles, but still pretty high up. I believe a 1960s rock group said it most eloquently: “Kicks just keep getting harder to find.”

I’ll be candid about this. It isn’t natural. If I’m going to eat at this altitude, I expect to be surrounded on all sides by a commercial airliner. And if I’m ever drugged and kidnapped and I wake up dangling like this, well, they’d better be feeding me something like pea soup, that looks about the same no matter how many times it ends up on my plate, if you catch my meaning.

Suspension slideshow, and more thoughts on heights

Hungarian journalists have lunch at a new event venue which offers dinners “in the sky”, for guests seated around a table lifted by a crane above Heroes Square in Budapest, April 23, 2008. REUTERS/ Karoly Arvai

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Blog Guy, I’ve read that America’s big cities are running out of parking places. I know you travel the world. Are other cities trying anything new?

You bet. Berlin is looking at so-called “momentum parking.” You leave your car, and a huge crane hoists it up 500 feet, then lets it go. The impact buries it several feet down, thus taking up far less room than an ordinary space.

I don’t believe that. You’re just making up stuff to go with stupid pictures again.

I’m serious! It’s happening in ‘Potsdamer Platz,’ which is German for “My car went platz!!” You can look it up.

Related post: Flying cars not a total success…

An unidentified artwork, showing a crashed car in the pavement, is pictured on display at Berlin’s ‘Potsdamer Platz’ square, April 14, 2008.

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About 400 people were trapped for more than an hour yesterday by a “mechanical fault” on that huge Ferris wheel, The London Eye. Our story says staffers were in touch with the victims, who were stuck as high as 450 feet in the air, via intercoms.

The stalled passengers were offered water, blankets and glucose tablets.

That’s good to know. Given my attitude toward heights, if that ever happens to me they can cover me with the blanket and pound me with water bottles until I stop screaming. Some fully charged tasers, a portable toilet and a parachute might also come in handy.

Here’s the thing. When these poor people finally got back to Earth they were given refunds. Refunds! No thanks, pal, you just hang on to that refund and add it to my generous settlement, okay?

Related post: Your whole stomach came out your mouth?

Woman’s hair is blown back by winds as she passes the London Eye in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Luke MacGregor

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These folks are on a WOODEN South Korean roller coaster boasting the world’s largest drop.

That means if you ride it, at some point your cheeks will be flapping like Dumbo’s ears, and your eyes will be so far back in your skull you can scan your own brain.

But that’s not what I wanted to talk about. Speaking of WOODEN rides and Korea, did you see the recent BBC story saying termites are destroying many of that country’s WOODEN heritage sites? They were training dogs to sniff out the insects.

I’m just saying, if you’re riding this thing at the speed of sound and you pass a nice dog with a concerned look, hit the brake. Oh, there isn’t one?

Related post: Your whole stomach came out your mouth?

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