Blog Guy, I’ve always wanted to see a whole bunch of people cramming mangoes in their mouth as fast as they can. Can you do anything for me?

That’s easy. Our researchers quickly came up with 43 seconds of a mango-eating contest where the winner walks off with a box of mangoes.

Wow, thanks! I guess I should have made it harder. What I really want is folks at a tango in Durango playing bingo and feeding mangoes to dingos.

Sure. Give me until Tuesday, I’ll throw in Ringo playing a bongo in the Congo.

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Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, overcome with emotion, pockets a coveted Anachronism Award given to him at a Playboy Mansion party honoring Playboy’s new Playmate of the Year.

Yes, they really still have one of those, and we moved TWENTY photos of the event, including some showing the winner leaning against her prize, a shiny new red Cadillac. Yes, they still have those, too.

Hef is seen here at the party with his great grand-daughter…oops, no, the caption says it’s his girlfriend! Anyway, after the party everybody went home to read some Playboy articles. Yes, they still have those.

Philippines Playboy, sent in a Manila wrapper?

Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy magazine and girlfriend, Holly Madison, attend a party honoring the 2008 Playboy Playmate of the Year, at the Playboy Mansion in Los Angeles, May 8, 2008. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

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They did a poll to find our favorite TV moms,  and the results are just irritating. Here’s a hint: number one was June Cleaver, from Leave it to Beaver. There are a few bright spots in the list, but mostly, ”favorite mom” translates to “mom in a deep coma.”

For those who don’t think a good mom needs to be like some cult member, I’m offering my own list of “best” TV moms.

5. Peg Bundy: Katey Sagal’s trashy character in Married with Children. Her homemade raisin bread recipe involves a loaf of bread, a box of raisins and a hammer.

4. Nancy Botwin: In Weeds, Mom sells marijuana to sustain her suburban lifestyle.

3. Atia of the Julii: Evil chick from the Rome series. She’s described as  “snobbish, willful, cunning, and sexually voracious,” and those are her good qualities

2. Livia Soprano: Okay, she ordered a hit on her own son. “You’re dead to me,  Mommy!”

1. Estelle Costanza: George’s mom from Seinfeld. He might have been better off with Livia Soprano.

Estelle Harris, who played Estelle Costanza, REUTERS photo by Fred Prouser

Blog Guy, I know you’re a real sports fanatic. Are there any events at the upcoming Beijing Olympics that have you really pumped?

You betcha. That new one, the 400 meter mobile phone hurdles. The training photos are breath-taking. The athletes show the split-second physical prowess of hurdle jumping while conversing on a cell phone at the same time!

They don’t know exactly when the call will come, yet they have under a second to say, “Hi ma, sorry I haven’t called you.” Then, they immediately have to dial and order Thai food take-away! Guess that gives the Thai team a slight advantage.

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Paramilitary police for the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games take part in training at a military base in Shenyang, China, May 6, 2008. REUTERS/Stringer

Gold forearm, she’s the girl, the girl with the Midas touch,
It’s a bit much,
Gold forearm, she’s been kissed, with bracelets stacked on her wrist,
Can’t make a fist,
Trendy places she’d like to have gone,
But the airlines won’t let her get on,
When this golden girl is walking her ferrets,
All her limbs are 18 carats…
Gold forearm…

Memo to fashion show security staff: Somebody has raided the models’ bracelet cabinet. We need to find the jewelry before the show. Whomever did the job must have hidden it, because nobody is tacky enough to wear all of it at one time. Keep your eyes open…

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Model displays gold jewelry ahead of the Hindu festival of Akshaya Tritiya at a showroom in southern Indian city of Hyderabad May 6, 2008.  REUTERS/ Krishnendu Halder

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In recent months I’ve informed readers about  pointless and shabby remakes of movies such as The Great Escape, Splash, The Birds, etc. Why can’t they leave the classics alone?

The latest seems to be an updated version of Spartacus, the 1960 epic starring Catherine Zeta-Jones’ father-in-law. From what I’ve heard, this is an anemic shadow of the original.

Who can forget the most famous scene, a mass crucifixion along the Appian Way. Compare that with this cheesy image from the new verion. I mean, guys just wearing crosses in their belts, that wouldn’t fool a gerbil, if gerbils watched movies. My advice, just go rent the original and watch it on your Betamax at home.

(Above, Spartacus publicity photo)

Paramilitary police maintain correct posture with crosses on their backs during a training session at a military base in Shenyang, China, May 6, 2008. REUTERS/ Stringer

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We have video of a hair stylist trying for a world record by using 10 scissors to cut a woman’s hair. How did that conversation go?

“Morning, Miss Todd. Mind if I use 10 sharp scissors to slash into your hair like an industrial shredder?”

“That’s fine, Andre. Keep those blades going as fast as you can. Don’t worry about scratching up my face, that’s what stitches are for.”

I like to think she went from there to her dentist: “Miss Todd, I’m trying to set a world record for getting the most Novocaine into a jaw in one minute. Yeah, the secret is, I use an amnio needle! Will that be a problem for you?

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A tour company in Rio de Janeiro is in trouble because along with taking people on tours of the city’s notorious slums, it has been arranging for tourists to meet with genuine armed drug traffickers, and even have pictures taken with them. Who knew there was a market for that?

But here’s the best part. Instead of denying it, the guy from the tour firm in question said yeah, he does have tours like that, but “I’m not the only one.” Ah, good to know there’s competition.

“Mr. Soprano! Can I call you Tony? Sorry to barge into your Bada Bing! office here. Can you just stand between me and the little woman for a snapshot? Yeah, keep that real mean look! Say, can you kind of point that gun at me, Tony?”

James Gandolfini: REUTERS/Phil McCarten

Brazilian police recover body of alleged drug trafficker in Rocinha shantytown of Rio de Janeiro in a 2004 file photo. REUTERS/Bruno Domingos

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Blog Guy, I need some of your sage travel advice. I’m going to St Petersburg, Russia, in June. Should I rent a bike to see the sights?

Let me very frank. No! Do NOT rent a bike unless you can find out for CERTAIN what Roman  Lutoshkin did with the one he’s sweating on with his bare butt in this video report.

Warning: people who might be offended by certain parts of this guy’s body probably shouldn’t watch this video.

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Recently I told you about Friedrich Schiller, the famous German writer. Folks dug up a skull they thought was his, and then 100 years later they dug up another and debated which one was really him.

Then they dug up the remains of his son and grandson for DNA comparisons, and dug up the grandson’s WIFE, because once you start digging up skulls, it’s so hard to stop.

Well. Scientists have finished testing, and I can tell you which was Schiller. NEITHER one! Yes, those dudes exhumed several generations of Schillers, their spouses, pets, neighbors and proctologists, just to amass a stack of skulls belonging to no one in particular.

So now they have a huge supply of Certified Nobody Skulls which I’m guessing will show up soon on eBay. I just hope they’ve learned a valuable lesson: when famous people die, decapitate them on the spot and save a lot of Sturm und Drang later.

One of the skulls that isn’t Schiller’s is tested. REUTERS/ Handout/MDR

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