Blog Guy, you seem to know a lot about nature. Can swans fly?

No. They can neither fly nor swim.

What? Hold on, I’ve SEEN swans swimming in lakes and rivers and stuff!

No, you’ve seen swans, which have very long legs, PRETENDING to swim. Mostly, though, they prefer to travel by boat.

Is that right? And where are they going in these photos?

Well, first they’re going to the doctor, and then for a treat they’re going to the ballet.

Which ballet?

“Swan Lake,” of course.

Sigh. I know I’ll regret asking this, but why are they going to the doctor?

Don’t you read the papers? It’s time for swan flu vaccinations

Blog Guy, that’s moronic even by your standards.

Yeah, but I have tickets to a good show, so this will have to be my…

No! Don’t say it!

Swan song…

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Swan keeper Olaf Niess watches swans sitting in boats after he and council workers rounded up them from Hamburg’s inner city lake Alster November 23, 2009. Every year the swans are collected from waterways around the northern German city of Hamburg and taken to winter quarters where they are fed and cared for until the spring. REUTERS/Christian Charisius

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Quick quiz: The photo above shows…

1. a popular Village People tribute group
2. a Las Vegas City Council meeting
3. an actual Hubble Telescope photograph of heaven
4. a cheap, desperate, pathetic attempt to boost blog traffic by running a vulgar commercial event into the ground

Hey, congratulations to you readers who correctly identified the Vegas City Council!

Come back tomorrow for photos of a Las Vegas School Board meeting!

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Above: Models wave after presenting creations at the 2009 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in New York, November 19, 2009.

Below: Model Marisa Miller presents a creation during the fashion show.

REUTERS photos by Lucas Jackson

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Blog Guy, I’m back again. It’s me, the aspiring photojournalist you’ve been mentoring.

How do you keep finding me? I’ve had my death notice put in several newspapers!

DNA doesn’t lie. Anyhow, I was assigned to shoot a beauty pageant in Spain, and I wanted you to critique my photo.

Hmmmm. The pageant was in Spain, but where were you?

Morocco. I used a very long lens.

Here’s a tip. It works better if you’re in the same country as the contestants. All I see here is a building with some balconies, with shrubbery on the ground floor.

Those are the women! In swimsuits. Between the shrubs.

Let me ask a question. Why didn’t you get back even further away from the women?

Because then I would have been in Algeria. That would be stupid!

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Contestants in the Miss Sevilla pageant pose during a presentation in the Andalusian capital of Seville November 17, 2009. REUTERS/Marcelo del Pozo

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Blog Guy, I know all contact sports have risks. Boxing, football, fencing, they can all take their toll. Is there any threat that is especially common to soccer players?

Absolutely. There is the tragedy of soccer blindness, as seen here in these terrifying photos. It afflicts hundreds of players every year, usually during an actual game.

Is it curable?

Yes, the player’s sight usually returns after someone leads him to the shower.

Blog Guy, I don’t want to second-guess your obvious expertise here, but it just looks like this guy’s shirt rode up on his face, and covered his eyes. I mean, it looks that simple.

You know nothing about it. For instance, in addition to loss of sight, the player in these photos complained of lack of smell and an “unusual tightness” across his cheeks.

He also suffered arm and wrist injuries trying to get into the locker room.

I’m so sorry, I didn’t know. Are they researching this cursed condition?

Yes, and I’m sure they’ll set up a charity soon. Please give generously. This athlete has suffered enough.

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Getafe’s Francisco Javier Casquero celebrates a goal against Espanyol during their Spanish first division soccer match at Cornella-El Prat stadium, near Barcelona, November 22, 2009. REUTERS/Albert Gea

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Readers know that while I often blog about stupid fashions, all I want to do is laugh at them. If you actually come here to LEARN something about fashion, boy are you in the wrong place.

Where you should probably be instead is at “Daddy Likey,” by a blogger named Winona Dimeo-Ediger, who is informative AND cracks me up.

You have to admire a fashion author/blogger who says, “My life’s dream is to be a train conductor. Mostly for the hat.”

Now, in addition to Winona’s blog  you can buy her new brand-new book, “Closet Confidential.” It’s very funny and offers all you need to know if you want to dress like a chick, or even if, like me, you don’t,

I sent Winona a couple of genuine fashion photos, below, as sort of a test of her taste, and here is her response:

Left: Designers this season warned models to stay home if they showed symptoms of the H1N1 virus, but apparently the Black Death is not a problem.

Right: Kathie Lee Gifford’s new collection for Wal-Mart, Sassy Arabian Pocahontas Sportswear, has been called “a bit muddled” by the fashion press…

Interestingly enough, it turns out Winona herself owns the exact outfit on the right, and often wears it for days at a time. I guess nobody’s perfect.

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Left: Model presents a creation by British designer Vivienne Westwood at the Fashionable Istanbul show in Istanbul, October 25, 2009. REUTERS/Murad Sezer

Right: Model presents a creation by Ukrainian designer Natali Bolgar during Moscow Fashion Week, October 25, 2009. REUTERS/ Alexander Natruskin

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Blog Guy, I’m looking to hire an entertainer for my daughter’s fourth birthday party. Can you recommend somebody who makes balloon animals? I want the very best.

Sure. I’d go for this guy in China. Look how good he is.

What the hell is he making there?

Uh, I think that’s his famous Yellow Earthworm with Green Scales.”

Blog Guy, you’re a dolt. That man is a chef. He’s cutting cucumbers with a sharp cleaver on a balloon, to show his technique.

Whatever. So are you going to hire him for the party?

You’re deranged, Blog Guy. Why would I bring a man with a razor-sharp cleaver to a party for small children?

Well, it’s my understanding the Birthday Girl gets to eat the cucumbers.

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A chef cuts a cucumber on a balloon to show his skills during a cooking competition in Hefei, Anhui province November 20, 2009. REUTERS/Jianan Yu

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Blog Guy, help settle an argument with my wife. What’s the most popular dance? I say it’s the tango, but she says it’s the samba. So? So? Which is it?

You’re both wrong. It’s the naked hokey pokey. Haven’t you noticed the proliferation of naked hokey pokey dance clubs and cable shows?  Where do you live, Wyoming?

I think I would know about something like that. How did this craze get started, anyway?

Think about it. If you’re dressed, there are limits to the body parts you can put in and out and shake them all about. But if you get buck-naked, it adds, uh, variety.

Blog Guy, are you totally out of you mind?

Well sure, but that’s a different topic. Are we done with the naked hokey pokey?

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Men undergo a medical examination for the People’s Liberation Army land forces in Zhaoping county, Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region November 20, 2009.  REUTERS/China Daily

Dancers perform during a dress rehearsal of the tango musical Tanguera at Berlin’s Staatsoper, July 9, 2009. REUTERS/Thomas Peter  

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You all know me, I’m not a judgmental kind of guy. But on some rare occasions I DO form strong opinions, and gosh darn it, if I’m not careful I’m afraid I’ll go after somebody with this pickle fork I’m holding.

What do I see on our photo file? Levi Johnston at TWO glitzy Los Angeles galas in one evening, including the GQ magazine “Men of the Year” party.

In one of the photos, he’s shown with his “bodyguard.” I am not making this up.

I won’t bother telling you who this guy is - if you’ve been awake at some point over the past 18 months you already know - but cripes! Men of the year? Levi Johnston?

I can only presume, then, that former presidential candidate John Edwards, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, Lenny and Squiggy and Ratso Rizzo, all equally deserving, were not available?

Hey look, Levi, you ever seen a pickle fork? Say, what time does your bodyguard go home?

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Combo, clockwise: Levi Johnston (R), who fathered a child with Bristol Palin, daughter of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin,is escorted by his bodyguard at US Weekly party in West Hollywood, November 18, 2009. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

Former candidate John Edwards in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Jeff HAYNES

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford wipes his eyes as he speaks to the media and admits to an extramarital affair, in Columbia, South Carolina, June 24, 2009.  REUTERS/Erik Campos

Lenny and Squiggy, “Laverne and Shirley” publicity shot

Lower right: Levi Johnston at the 14th annual GQ magazine “Men of the Year” party in Los Angeles, November 18, 2009. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

Lower left: Ratso Rizzo, “Midnight Cowboy” publicity shot

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According to the founder of the World Toilet Organization, the reason people are so reluctant to talk about hygiene is that it isn’t cool. He may have a point.

Television and movies show us what’s cool, and they don’t show toilets. Sure, Fonzie frequently checked out his hair in the bathroom, but you just saw a mirror.

All of this could have been different if the toilet lobby had gotten into product placement early on.

Imagine the coolest characters in movie history. What if…

• Dirty Harry emerged from the men’s room to blast the punks, waddling with his trousers around his ankles…
• The last line in the immortal “Casablanca” was, “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Stop a sec, I gotta wizz…”
• In “The Great Escape,” Steve McQueen escaped the Nazis by pulling his motorcycle into a rest stop and slipping into a men’s room stall.
• The iconic quote was: “Bond, James Bond. You got a crapper I can use?”

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Above: Actors Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet slide down a large inflatable toilet slide for the premiere of the animated feature “Flushed Away” in New York City in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson

Below: The actual bathroom of the late actor Roddy MacDowell is on display at the Hollywood History Museum in a 2001 file photo. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

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Blog Guy, you’ve written a lot in past years about your Christmas spirit and holiday mood, and this year I feel the same! Merry Christmas! What a joyous season! Eh?

Oh, I don’t know…

What are you talking about? It’s your favorite time of year! I thought nothing could dampen your spirit!

It’s just that I’ve seen something…. Something horrible. Something no human should ever have to watch.

I don’t care WHAT you saw, it shouldn’t douse the Christmas flame! Chestnuts on an open fire, sleigh rides, peace on earth…. Little children.

God bless us, every one! Buck up, Blog Guy!

Yeah, I suppose you’re right, friendly stranger. Say, would you mind clicking on this video below? Turn your volume way up….

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