Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Armored combat for the golden prize…

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Blog Guy, everybody knows you’ve campaigned against bullfighting and other forms of animal cruelty. It’s safe to say that any event involving animal combat is inhumane, right?

Pretty much, yeah…

Pretty much? What does that mean?

Well, I must admit that now and then I fly over to Singapore to watch the Giant Tortoise Carrot Fights.

Giant Tortoise Carrot Fights?

Yeah, people gather around and two massive giant tortoises go after a carrot.

After about the first day and a half, most of the spectators have gone home and the rest are asleep in their seats. The bookies won’t touch the sport, because of the number of variables.

Too many variables?

No, none at all. The animals just tug until the carrot finally snaps. Then they share the pieces, have some watermelon for dessert and lumber off to watch pro wrestling. I can live with that.

Looking for love? Raise the bar higher!

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Blog Guy, I know you are very good at beauty tips. I’m a young woman who would like to meet some guys, and I wonder what I’m doing wrong.

First, you need to figure out the angle that makes your best first impression. Left side, right side, upside-down, whatever. Then, you should…

Welcome to the Barney Fife Pistol Range

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Blog Guy, I hope you can help me. My chiropractor’s beekeeper just gave me a 9 mm pistol for Labor Day, and I’m wondering…

Wait. You and your chiropractor’s beekeeper exchange Labor Day gifts?

Yeah, it’s just a little tradition going back to the 2008 Oscars. Anyway, I’d like to use it, but I don’t actually want to fire real bullets. Any ideas?

How many floozies live at this address?

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Alert readers of  this blog will recall my complaints about the U.S. Census last year.

I wrote about their heavy-handed approach, their fixation that my single-family dwelling was actually housing countless lodgers, and their surprise visits looking for an Apartment 2 and Apartment 3 somewhere in my home.

Cocktails with Miss Universe, sir?

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Blog Guy, I don’t see how you can cover Miss Universe year after year. It’s so boring, it never changes!

That’s where you’re wrong. Compared with the old days, the modern pageant is much more complex and demanding.

Seeing Libya, from surface to air!

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Blog Guy, I could use some of your famous travel advice. With Libya being in the news lately I’d love to go see it, but I’m concerned about getting around. I’m not even sure how to get there. I’ll be starting my trip in Mexico, so I need to get…

From the Halls of Montezuma to the Shores of Tripoli? No problem. Libya is already building up tourism, and offers fast, efficient ways to get from place to place, using the thousands of  unused missiles littering the country.

It’s just like in the disaster movies!

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Boss, can you hear me? It’s me, Johnson! Oh, it’s still night-time in LA? Sorry to wake you up, but I’ve got great news!

You remember you sent me to scout around for the next big “King Kong” sort of movie?

Stake Night on the Vampire Cruise?

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Blog Guy, I know you’re a travel expert, and I need some advice. I am a vampire. I would like to go someplace where I don’t feel, you know, different.

Maybe I can help. I just saw a story saying hundreds of vampire enthusiasts are planning a vacation cruise on the the Zuiderdam, tailored to their interests. It’s called “Vamps at Sea.” Maybe you should try it.

She’s the Darjeeling of the Tea Party?

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Blog Guy, I see Sarah Palin, the possible future former potential presidential candidate, spoke at a Tea Party gathering over the weekend. I’m not sure I get the whole Tea Party thing. Wasn’t the 1773 Boston Tea Party a protest against being taxed by people we didn’t elect, and don’t Americans now get to elect their lawmakers?

That’s generally true, although for example, I don’t get to elect them.

Get out your dimes, it’s midnight!

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Blog Guy, if my calendar is correct, you’ve got a major event coming up?

Yes, the celebrated Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop, here in Washington DC, is ready to launch our big new season the day after Labor Day.

I just don’t understand that. I always thought the big tourist season is in the summer.