Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

The duchess, the chimp and the corn dog

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This blog’s August statistics are in, and once again, patterns are starting to form which will allow me to do a better job of reaching my audience. It’s all in knowing how to read the results.

Of the 10 most popular items, two were about politicians eating corn dogs, three involved very cute animals and two more featured Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge.

Our analysts now just have to figure out whether my readers are interested in politics, or in corn dogs. Please, please let it be the latter.

Excuse me now, I need to dictate a letter.

Dear Duchess of Cambridge, I would like to invite you to a photo shoot next summer at the Iowa State Fair. You will appear with an adorable panda cub, and we would like you to consume something which we Americans call a corn dog. It consists of… Oh, never mind, I’ll just get a stunt double duchess, instead…

Repeat after me, “Fill the bag with money!”

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Blog Guy, you know that odd city in Siberia that you call Wackytown? I’d like to visit it on one of your organized tours, but I’m wondering how many people there speak English?

You’re talking about Krasnoyarsk. I do know they do have English Language classes at a high security prison camp.

Are those Tic Tacs, or you got a rattlesnake in your pants?

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Blog Guy, I’m looking for some of your sage career advice. I enjoy travel, working with animals, and maybe a little danger. Any ideas?

Have you considered the glamorous world of snake smuggling?

No, I haven’t. What does that involve?

The usual. Ladies’ hosiery, probably some duct tape, and, you know, snakes.

Eating healthy for peanuts?

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Blog Guy, so we’ve established that you lost some weight recently. I found your health tips helpful, but could you be more specific about what you ate?

Sure. I ate everything with a pulse.

So you went on an all-meat diet?

No, no, I mean pulse as in the edible seeds of certain legumes. Peas, beans, lentils, peanuts. VERY healthful stuff.

A sport that needs no urine test…

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Blog Guy, you used to do a better job of covering really stupid sports. Isn’t that still a part of your beat?

Indeed. Have a look at the recent “Race of Beer,” down in Brazil. It’s a 1.2 mile race in which runners carry 12 cans of beer each. The goal is to cross the finish line with the cans empty. It turns out…

You’ve been upgraded to Gaddafi Class!

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Blog Guy, I saw some photos of fugitive strongman Muammar Gaddafi’s private plane, taken at an airport in Tripoli. I’m surprised you didn’t blog about it.

Look, there’s something of a conflict of interest here. As you may have noticed, the plane was a Basler BT-70, built by “my company” for Gaddafi.

So that’s basic cable, huh?

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Lamar, we are very eager to see the new cable car system you’ve designed for our highest mountain, nearly 10,000 feet. May we take off the blindfolds now?

Absolutely. If you look through your binoculars toward Zugspitze, you’ll see the sleek, shiny cable cars of…

Why is our waitress twirling a baton?

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Blog Guy, I love going out to restaurants, but I enjoy being surrounded by beautiful women. I find standards are falling in that area lately.

You don’t sound like a terribly evolved person.

No, I’m as shallow as they come. So is there someplace I can go where my sensitivities won’t be offended?

Who has the worst taste on earth?

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Knock-knock! Hello, are you Aisha, the daughter of fugitive strongman Muammar Gaddafi?

Who wants to know?

I believe I’m expected. I’m Lamar, the writer from “Extremely Poor Taste” magazine. I’m here for a tour of your home.

It’s not even like gambling at all…

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Blog Guy, I have some extra money this month and I was thinking of trying that online gambling thing. Do you know how it works?

Why sure, you came to the right place. Let’s start with online poker.

Okie-dokie.

I’m dealing each of us a hand right now. Let’s see. You got a pair of queens.