Blog Guy, I’m outraged. Connect me to your blog’s complaint department!

Hello, this is the Odd Blog Complaint Department. Your call is important to us…

Look here, I think this Basler guy ran a photo of Usain Bolt and a cheetah cub for the SOLE purpose of justifying a cheap pun headline playing off of a hit song from 1966!

I see. And you somehow expected more from this blog?

Yes. Usually Bob would only use a cheetah picture if the animal was pooping or something like that.

Let me get this straight. You’d LIKE to see a photo of a pooping cheetah?

Um, yes. That’s the main reason most of us come to this blog.

Okay then, ma’am. Because we care about customer satisfaction, here you go.

Wow! I AM satisfied. I’ll be back soon, and I’ll bring my friends! Tell Bob thanks a lot!

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Above: Olympic and world champion sprinter Usain Bolt from Jamaica holds a three-month-old male cheetah cub at the Kenya Wildlife Service headquarters in Nairobi, November 2, 2009. Bolt adopted the cheetah cub named “Lightning Bolt” during the launch of the Animal Adoption Programme “Namayiana” at the Nairobi Animal Orphanage.

Below: A cheetah relieves itself in its cage at the KWS headquarters.

REUTERS photos by Thomas Mukoya

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Lamar, the big race starts in less than an hour! Where are the jockeys?

They’re coming, Boss!

Are they ready? Did they prepare for the race?

You betcha, Boss! They spent all night drinking!

That’s good. Drinking alcohol?

Of COURSE alcohol, Boss! What ELSE would you drink before the big race?

Just checkin’, Lamar. And did they wear themselves out?

For sure! They danced non-stop. Can’t even keep their eyes open!

Ah, there they are now, Lamar! I can see ‘em trying to find the stable…

It’s a grand sight, isn’t it, Lamar! On a morning like this, with the sun comin’ up over the puke-filled mud and the jockeys staggerin’ this way in their finery, if you squint just a bit you’d think you’re at the Royal Ascot Races.

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Riders finish a night of drinking alcohol and dancing before a traditional horse race on All Saints Day in Todos Santos, Guatemala, November 1, 2009. REUTERS/Daniel LeClair

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Blog Guy, I really need some dating advice. I’m an attractive young woman but I’m very shy, and when I meet a new man for the first time I just don’t know what to say. Help!

This is a very common problem. Some women find it useful to be holding something in their hand when they first meet a new guy, to help get the conversation started.

You know, something the guy will have to comment on. Do you have anything like that?

Yes! I love my picture of Lenin!

Okay, yes I guess a wallet-size photo of a former Beatle could be a conversation starter.

No, not Lennon! This is Vladimir Lenin. The Communist guy. It is a very nice portrait. I bet you’re right, any young man would admire it!

That’s not exactly what I had in mind. Now, you take this photo on the left, of a fashion model holding something…

I see. And you think that would help me start conversations with men?

Yes. Trust me, even if they are recently deceased.

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Above: A model holds a portrait of Vladimir Lenin, founder of the Soviet state, while presenting a creation by Kazakhstan designer Saltanat Baymukhamedova during Kazakhstan Fashion Week in Almaty, October 31, 2009.

Below: A model presents a creation by Baymukhamedova in Almaty, October 30, 2009.

REUTERS/photos by Shamil Zhumatov

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Hey Blog Guy, I’m takin’ a vacation to Kiev soon, and I need your travel advice. I like to hang out at singles bars. I guess they’re pretty much the same everywhere?

No. In Ukraine, the singles bars are run by women, who make their own rules.

That sounds kind of hot! So what should I expect when I make the bar scene?

Be prepared to reveal as much flesh as possible, and have total strangers judge you like a side of beef. While they’re looking you over they will ask mindless questions, like “What’s your sign?” and “Do you come here often?”

But the chicks will be dressed in sexy outfits too, right?

You still don’t get it. It’s their bar, their rules. They’ll be wearing white lab coats and camouflage trousers.

And stiletto heels?

No, combat boots.

That sounds awful! Why would anybody subject themselves to disgusting treatment like that?

I dunno. It just doesn’t seem fair, does it?

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Medical officers review a conscript at a military training center, the biggest in the former Soviet Union, in the village of Oster, near Kiev, October 29, 2009. REUTERS/Gleb Garanich

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Hi, Blog Guy, it’s me! That aspiring photojournalist you’ve been mentoring. I’m back!

Oh good. And after I shaved my head and pierced my lip so you wouldn’t recognize me. What now?

Well, I’ve been reading a lot about the need for transparency in journalism, and I’m wondering how that applies to my work as a photographer?

Mainly it means you should shoot a lot of photos through glass. Window washers are a demographic we’re going after in a big way.

Is there really an audience for this stuff?

Sure. It must be huge, judging from the number of window-cleaning-through-glass shots on our photo file.

I hate to get pushy this early in my career, but I don’t think I want to shoot this sort of material. What’s a polite way to tell my editor?

Just say, “I don’t do windows.”

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Top combo: A worker cleans the glass roof of a tunnel linking a building to a subway station in Chongqing municipality, China, October 28, 2009. REUTERS/Stringer

A worker cleans the window of an office building in Taiyuan, Shanxi province, China, October 25, 2009. REUTERS/Stringer

Lower combo: Assorted window-washing shots, REUTERS photos

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Color me embarrassed. We had a PRETTY BAD error on our file, and is our policy, we had to publicly correct it. It seems we reported that Bulgarian prosecutors are investigating a new gambling game in which drivers defy death by speeding through red lights for bets of up to $2,200.

In a game known as ‘Russian road roulette,’ the driver must jump red lights at busy intersections at high speed and not crash into any other cars or pedestrians.

Imagine doing something that stupid for $2,200!

Well, it soon became clear we had it all wrong. It turned out, drivers are playing this game for bets of up to $7,400, which is a lot different from doing it just for chump change like $2,200.

But as insane as this game still sounds, the most amazing part to me is that according to our story, ONLOOKERS bet on the outcome, too!

“Hey Lamar, look! They’re havin’ one of those Russian road roulette games right here! Think we should get the hell out of the way to save ourselves?”

“Not so fast, Clancy! I’ll bet you $200 that red Mustang misses that pedestrian in the Hawaiian shirt… Oops! Well, we didn’t shake on it, Clancy…”

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These are just random photos of Bulgarian traffic carnage, not connected to Russian Road Roulette.

Above: Drivers and members of the Bulgarian security service confer after the leading car of the motorcade of the visiting Maltese President Guido de Marco collided with a truck near the village of Mursalevo in a 2001 file photo. REUTERS

Below: A Bulgarian firefighter tries to extinguish a burning taxi whose propane gas tank had caught fire on a motorway in central Sofia in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS

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Quick quiz: If you’re a jittery driver, what’s a good way to steady your nerves before you hit the road?

• get plenty of sleep
• practice meditation
• think soothing, happy thoughts
• enjoy a refreshing alcoholic beverage

Yeah, I thought that last one was pretty lame myself, but it turns out a politician from Ireland’s governing party has said “jumpy” drivers might benefit from having a relaxing alcoholic drink to steady their nerves.

I am not making this up.

See, Ireland is debating whether to cut the legal blood alcohol content limit for motorists, and some members of parliament oppose lowering the limit which would rule out a traditional Irish pint of Guinness for those driving.

“If drink is such a sedative, it can make people who are jumpy on the road, or nervous, be more relaxed,” said Mattie McGrath, Fianna Fail’s Tipperary South representative.

Right, Mattie. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to be crossing the street someday  when one of those really relaxed drivers comes along.

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Above: Guinness Chairman Tony Greener sips from a giant eight pint glass of stout to publicize his company’s earnings announcement in a 1997 file photo. REUTERS/Chris Helgren

Below: A racegoer holds a pint of Guinness on St Patrick’s Day on the third day of the Cheltenham National Hunt Festival in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/Mike Finn-Kelcey

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Blog Guy, bring us up to speed on the Detroit automobile industry stuff. Remember, the government took over some carmakers and they were going to run the companies and stuff, but then I got really hammered and forgot to pay attention for a few months.

I believe the U.S. government version of the new Detroit models have just been unveiled in an elaborate Detroit ceremony. I saw pictures.

Awesome! And how did that go?

Not very well. Looks like the new cars exploded in balls of fire as they drove off the assembly line. Count on big recalls.

Wow, yeah, it’s gonna be tough to promote something like that as an optional feature. I guess…Hey, wait just a minute!

According to the photo captions, those explosions were staged for a movie in Detroit! They were intentional, not some new Washington screw-up!

Fair enough but they WERE in Detroit, so my accuracy rate has moved above zero, where it was stuck for a long time. I’m comin’ after the big news sites now, baby!

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A car blows up on the set of “Red Dawn” in Detroit, Michigan, October 19, 2009. Detroit, which has long faced economic collapse and neighborhood abandonment, woke up on Monday as the focal point for a remake of the 1984 action movie “Red Dawn” that took over several blocks in the center of the city. REUTERS/Rebecca Cook

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Boss, those models are back complaining again.

Boy, it’s always something with them. What is it this time?

They haven’t eaten since 2006. Look at that one on the runway, with the spindly legs and her pelvis protruding through her skin…

I don’t see anybody. Oh, wait, I do see a white bag and a headscarf. Look, if they want to be fashion models, they need to weigh less than 40 pounds. Them’s the rules.

Yeah I know, Boss, but they’re still afraid of the birds.

The birds?

You know, the birds that live in the rafters and swoop down on the runway to carry off size zero models and eat them.

Oh, whine, whine, whine! Okay, hire some damned bird-shooting snipers for the next show, but tell them to try not to hit so many people in the audience this time!

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Above: A model presents a creation from Indian designer Sanchita’s Spring/Summer 2010 collection at the Wills Lifestyle India Fashion Week in New Delhi October 26, 2009. REUTERS/Vijay Mathur

Right: Models display outfits from designer Nicolas Vaudelet’s Spring/Summer 2010 collection during Cibeles Madrid Fashion Week in Madrid September 22, 2009. REUTERS/ Susana Vera

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Okay cheerleaders, I think we can learn something from the fashion industry.

As many of you know, some design houses have started using dog groomers to style hair for their fashion shows, trying to cut costs in these difficult times.

So now we’re trying the same thing to get our cheerleaders ready to perform.

But we’re going to push the envelope a bit here. Not only will we be trying some nice doggie hairdos - see the upper left combo - but we’re also asking our groomers to get ideas wherever they can from nature.

Girls, line up for your turn with the stylist. Lamar, back that tanker truck of hair spray into the stadium, and hook up the big hose. This is gonna be like Pompeii!

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Upper combo: Tampa Bay Buccaneers cheerleader performs at NFL football game between the Buccaneers and New England Patriots at Wembley Stadium in London, October 25, 2009. REUTERS/Dylan Martinez

Briard, American Kennel Club photo.

Lower combo: Tampa Bay cheerleaders perform at Wembley Stadium in London, October 25, 2009. REUTERS/Eddie Keogh

A squirrel eats a nut at Hellabrunn Zoo in Munich, October 27, 2009. REUTERS/ Michaela Rehle

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