Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

You’re kidding me, right? Right?

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Blog Guy, everybody knows you give the best travel advice. I’m out of my mind, like totally nuts, and I’m looking for a good vacation spot.

Have you been to that viewing platform I wrote about in the Bavarian Alps?

Of course. Opening day.

How about The Ledge at the Sears Tower in Chicago?

Been there.

That walkway over the Grand Canyon?

Done it four times.

Jeez. Hmmm. Are you willing to go to Canada?

Sure! I did mention that I’m nuts, right?

Then you should try this new tourist attraction at the CN Tower in Toronto, where you can traipse around an open-mesh metal walkway almost a quarter of a mile above the ground. There’s no guard rail.

Whoa! There’s nothing holding you?

Yeah, there’s a thin strap, for whatever that’s worth. I know some folks who did it, and they’re crazy, too.

Thank you, Blog Guy! That sounds like just what I’m looking for! What should I wear?

For dummies who read this blog…

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Blog Guy, you run a fairly low-tech operation, right? I mean, there’s nothing complicated about doing a humor blog.

You couldn’t be more wrong. We do consumer testing, focus groups, FDA monitoring, all that stuff.

The importance of…Have I used this headline before?

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It’s summer, Blog Guy, and that means lots of funny local competitions. I hope you’re monitoring those for your readers.

I’m all over it. Looks like they just had some kind of “Plump Old Coot” contest in Key West, Florida, open to guys with big guts, white beards and Boy Scout uniforms. I have a photo of six of them.

And the Sportsman of the Century was…

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It’s a vintage Rolls Royce convertible, bristling with firepower. A mounted machine gun, a Lantaka swivel cannon, a double-barrel high-caliber Howdah pistol. And it used to belong to James Bond, right?

Nope, it just belonged to some dumbass.

Readers of this blog know I’m always amazed that people will spend tons of money to own stuff touched by a genuine dumbass. A Jesse James autograph, Lee Harvey Oswald’s coffin, Bernie Madoff’s underwear.

If Lego made shoes for women…

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Lamar, you said you had a hot new fashion design to show me. I’m skeptical after that nutty lingerie thing a few days ago, but I’m listening.

Here it is, boss, behold the future!

This is just a pile of crap, Lamar. Plastic lumps and rubber bands and stuff.

To the untrained eye, sure. But it’s actually a flexible modular shoe design which allows a woman to make 256 different footwear combinations!

Can I borrow your toothbrush for my feet?

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Great news. We have another one of those serious etiquette columns that appear to be aimed at folks who were raised by neanderthals. Early neanderthals, not the more evolved ones.

This particular column tells you how to behave if you are a house guest. If you still need to be told this stuff, then good luck ever getting invited anyplace.

Hardware store? Send more wingnuts!

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Blog Guy, I need some of your famous career advice. I recently graduated from college, and Mom gave me a brochure called “The Exciting World of Wing Walking.” I was wondering if I should pursue this?

I guess everybody goes through that phase, including me… We all want to be like Ormer Locklear, the first great daredevil wing walker. THERE was a barnstormer!

How the masses found Manassas…

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Blog Guy, I am really pumped about the Civil War 150th anniversary stuff coming up. Aren’t you?

You bet. I went to the Manassas reenactment over the weekend, and loved it! What I saw was First Manassas, as opposed to Second Manassas, which happened a year later.

Store-wide sale, everything must go!

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Lamar, can I see you in my office?

Sure Boss, what’s up?

Uh, when I asked you to set up a designer dress shop, I had something a little different in mind. I count four dresses here. That’s it.

Too many, Boss? I gotcha, keep the customers wanting more. We’ll move half of them back to the storeroom.

Yes, it’s hot enough for me! Okay?

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I went out this morning and I lost count of the number of people who said, “Hot enough for you?” and “Gonna be a scorcher!”

I never know what to say to things like that.

Such comments are called phatic speech – words used to create an atmosphere of shared feelings, as opposed to imparting information.