Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Texting on the lawn, a rough row to mow?

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This is the season when thousands of people are being injured by doing really stupid things with a dangerous gadget, and I guess nothing can be done about it because it’s probably protected by that Second Amendment.

Naturally, I’m talking about the lawn mower.

According to a shocking new story, people are doing stuff like cutting the grass in flip-flops, drinking alcohol while they mow, and even talking on the phone or texting.

Excuse me? I am not making this stuff up, I swear.

How does talking on the phone while mowing even work?

“Hey Julie, it’s me, Lamar! Yeah, I’m just here VROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!”

VROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Well, I’ll call you again later Julie, when I’m next to the garbage disposal!”

Five great tips for keeping in shape

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Blog Guy, you seem to have lost some weight, judging from your blog profile photo, and it looks like you’re working out, as well. Please share some health and fitness tips with your readers.

Okay. The first thing is to figure out what you should weigh. There are plenty of free online tools for calculating your Body Mass Index, which is a simple function of your height and weight.

Reading in bed just got a lot better…

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Okay Lamar, your memo said you’ve come up with a  totally new fashion concept in women’s apparel. I’m very excited, so show me what you’ve got.

Okay, Boss!  Presenting, ta-da, The Linger-Read!

The what?

It’s lingerie that you can read, Boss. So if you get bored with your partner, you can at least read what she’s wearing for entertainment.

Duchess? It has a certain ring to it…

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Blog Guy, thanks for all your coverage of the royal visit by Britain’s Prince William and Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge. I guess it served its purpose, to raise their profile, huh?

Oh grow up. You think this visit was about them? The Brits have the single most famous piece of jewelry on earth, Catherine’s 18-carat sapphire and diamond ring, and they want to make sure it keeps circulating.

So there isn’t a Toaster Pastry Diet?

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Okay, we already know there are a lot of really stupid people out there, but it may be time to recalibrate my measuring scale.

I just clicked on an item headlined “8 Foods to Banish from your Diet,” expecting it would offer some surprise foods that have more calories than most people think.

I guess it must be Sunday again?

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Lamar, come to my office for a minute.

Yeah Boss?

What’s this big stack of goofy photos I found in the wastebasket?

That’s just overflow, Boss. You know, we bought ‘em for the blog but then the writers couldn’t come up with anything clever.

So it’s the fault of the writers?

Of course, Boss. Isn’t everything?

Lamar, we can’t afford this kind of waste! What have I told you to do with leftover goofy photos?

The place with the mostage postage is…

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Blog Guy, can you please settle a bet with my dermatologist’s sommelier?

Really? On a summer weekend I’m still settling bets for unlikely professionals?

Yes. I say all postage stamps are the same size, but he says the ones in Syria are gigantic.

The stage is comin’ with a duchess on it!

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Crap, Willy, what now? What is this thing taking us into town?

It’s a stagecoach, Duchess! Great, huh?  Conestoga wagon, prairie schooner, buckboard…

Shut up. They don’t have big limousines in Calgary?

Not so much, I guess.

Sigh. What’s on our schedule for day number 840 in Canada?

Uh, let’s see. Hey, it looks like we’re taking part in some kind of a Village People retrospective…

Look at the scythe of that knife!

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Honey, I’m goin’ shoppin’ downtown. You want anything?

I sure do, Earl. We need skim milk, tuna fish, Hostess Ding Dongs, and darn, there was something else…

Oh yeah, daggers! We’ve got some birthdays coming up and daggers make great gifts.

I can fix this one up real good, Duchess!

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Blog Guy, I know you have close ties to Britain’s royal family, so maybe you can answer a question. Why are Prince William and Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge, spending so much time in Canada?

I’m really not supposed to say.

Look, we’ve been through this before. If you put it in your blog, nobody will even see it.