Oddly Enough Blog

Oh, the humanity!

Blog Guy, can you settle a bet I have with my investment manager’s astrologer?

Wait. Doesn’t it bother you that your investment manager HAS an astrologer?

Nah, it beats the hell out of his damned Magic 8-Ball. “Should I get out of the stock market?” “Ask again later…” Sheesh.

Anyway, he says the Pope gets a summer vacation, but I think the Pope works all the time.

You’re both right. The Pope does spend time at a fairly nice summer residence, at Castelgandolfo, Italy.

Just “fairly nice?” What’s wrong with it?

The easiest job on earth?

Blog Guy, I’ve just graduated from college, and I would like some of your famous career advice. Can you help me?

If it doesn’t take too long. What are you looking for?

I want the easiest job on earth. Let me make it clear. I want to live someplace wonderful, and have a job that takes no energy whatsoever. I want a job I couldn’t possibly screw up if I tried.

I’m sorry, you can’t have my job. However, I’ve searched the world and found something right up your lazy alley. How about being the Italian Tourism Minister?

You’re sure that’s easy enough?

Here’s the thing. Italy is probably the greatest place on earth outside the U.S. It’s beautiful, the people are charming, it has art, history, religion, fashion, culture, majestic views, beaches, and the food and wine are to die for.

Drinking in bed, in an ocean of red…

Blog Guy, what happened? You kind of left us hanging. You were about to crown a new Queen of the Entire World a couple of weeks ago, and it was down to two candidates.

Remember? One was in a giant feathered headdress and the other was just back from the longest Ash Wednesday service in history.

Yes, I do remember. We interviewed both of them and it turned out they didn’t have the three things we look for in a Queen of the Entire World.

Really? What are they?

Red satin sheets, red bikini, red wine.

Maybe it would help if you made those assets clear to all the contestants.

You gonna talk, or you gonna draw?

Blog Guy, can you please settle some bets I have with my gynecologist’s haberdasher?

Sure, I’m happy to pander to readers by settling stupid bets. What’s up?

Of all the world leaders, who has the fastest draw? I mean like if they were in a Wild West gunfight, you know.

Easy. That’s Russian Prime Minister Vladimir “Rootin’ Tootin’ Shootin’” Putin. When he says “go for it,” say your prayers.

But he’s only kidding, right?

Look at the photo above. Does it LOOK like he’s kidding?

Rinse and spit…

Blog Guy, you used to have a regular feature called, “What Former Dental Hygienists are Doing.” It was lively, timely and we all loved it, so what happened to it?

I’m sorry, I guess I dropped the ball on that. Give me another chance. Look, here’s the former dental hygienist for Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.

Okay, so what’s she doing?

The usual. Texting, reading a newspaper, talking on the phone…

That really isn’t much information, Blog Guy. Isn’t she the person who is being investigated in connection with recruiting young women who prostituted themselves?

Are you serious? I guess you’re way ahead of me on that one…

Angry, but can’t put your finger on it?

Blog Guy, it seems to me the American people are starting to send a signal to big government and Wall Street, that we’re not going to take it anymore. We’re fed up with business as usual. We’re saying…

Oh, please. You call a couple of primary election surprises and some Tea Party rallies a signal?

Er, sure. What do YOU consider a clear signal, Blog Guy?

Try the marble sculpture they just put up in front of the Milan Stock Exchange. Now those Italians, THEY know how to send a signal!

Yikes! That’s some sculpture, Blog Guy. What’s the name of it? I bet it’s a four-letter word?

Yes. It’s called “L.O.V.E.” I gather it may mean something else over there, so feel free to use the gesture as a flirty greeting when you travel in Italy.

And the morel of this story is…

Hey Blog Guy, you obviously know a lot about language. I just heard a strange expression, “As dumb as an Italian hunter.” What does that even mean?

It means incredibly dumb, is what it means. At least 17 people have been killed recently in hunting accidents in the mountains and forests of northern Italy, six of them in a single 48-hour period.

Wow, that’s a lot of dead hunters! Even allowing for them shooting each other and similar mishaps. What were they hunting? Bears? Cougars?

Mushrooms.

You’re kidding, right, Blog Guy?

Nope. It seems in their eagerness to protect their secret mushroom troves, hunters are doing their searching in the dark. As a result they are sliding off steep, damp slopes, to their death.

They’re even wearing camouflage to help them disappear, so it’s pretty hard to find them after they fall. One mushroom hunter is still missing.

A man who appreciates a nice bust…

Blog Guy, as long as you’re covering foreign news like the British elections, can you fill us in on the Italian Government?

I’ve heard some slightly disturbing stuff about the prime minister’s health.

Well, we’re all getting older, aren’t we? Yes, Silvio Berlusconi’s eyesight is starting to go, as you can see in these photos.

They say he wanders around the grounds of his residence and tries to make conversation with the statues.

Oh dear. That’s very sad. Doesn’t he notice that they don’t talk much?

No, he’s never been a big listener. He tends to stop when he sees them, lectures them on being too pale and needing more sunlight, and then he wanders on.

Fashion models add insult to injury…

Lonnie, we have to talk. People have been losing interest in our runway shows lately, and I think I know why. Do you know why people come to fashion shows?

Sure, Boss. To see the hot new clothes for the next season?

No! They come to be insulted. They want us to treat them like utter crap, so they can leave feeling totally degraded, and we haven’t been giving them enough of that.

Well, Lon, that’s going to change.  Today we’re giving them a shirtless model looking like he’s had the snot beat out of him, and a guy dressed like a homeless man with a grocery cart…

Er, you sure about this, Boss?

You bet I’m sure! Also, a model will stand there with a bloody nose and humiliate them with verbal abuse. Great stuff, huh?

Rome, Rome on derange…

Okay, Lamar, this has your ineptitude written all over it. I gave you simple instructions, to find a couple of people to manage the shop during the post-Christmas sale, and who do you hire? Frickin’ Roman centurions!

Look! Another couple just went right up to the door, saw these goofballs with helmets and swords, and just walked away. How are we supposed to make any money?

And it sure doesn’t help that the few tourists who DO venture inside tend to get slaughtered before they even reach the perfume counter!

Yes Lamar, I AM aware that shoplifting is down 400 percent, but get a grip!

Another thing, Lamar. Look how these dimwits spelled FORECLOSURE on the sign! FOR CLOSURE? It makes us look illiterate!

Me? No, I’m not tellin’ ‘em to do it over! YOU go tell ‘em to do it over!