Okay guys, for reasons that baffle me, the stupid network dropped our Police Pope! series. It’s a blow, but we’re back in the lineup this fall with something even better: Jacob’s Ladder!

The new premise is that the Pope used to be a fireman. He still misses the action, see, so the Italian firefighters call him in on really tough fires.

Look at these publicity stills. Putting on his helmet, racing to the action in his car, directing the other firemen on the scene. It’s a natural!

Roy, put together a trailer. The Pope sliding down his special Vatican fire pole, running out of a burning building carrying somebody over his shoulder, rough-housing with the squad’s Dalmatian.

And Roy, the trailer has to end with that scene from the pilot, where the fire chief says, “Your Holiness, this is the worst blaze ever!”

The Pope looks at the camera, winks, and says, “Not even close, chief!”

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Above: Pope Benedict XVI tries on a firefighter’s helmet during a visit to a Guardia di Finanza barracks in L’Aquila April 28, 2009. Pope Benedict comforted survivors of Italy’s earthquake. REUTERS/ Vigili del Fuoco/Handout

Left top: Pope Benedict XVI arrives in the destroyed village of Onna, near Aquila, April 28, 2009. REUTERS/Max Rossi

Left bottom: Pope Benedict XVI greets a fireman after visiting a church in the destroyed village of Onna, near Aquila, April 28, 2009. REUTERS/Max Rossi

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Quick quiz: These smiling, fresh-faced kids…

a) Have been cast to star in a new Harry Potter movie.

b) Were accepted to the leafy New England college of their choice.

c) Are going to the senior prom together.

d) Seem to really be enjoying their murder trial.

If you guessed the murder trial you win, although the reason for the smiles is a mystery to me.

The two, Amanda Knox and Raffaele Sollecito, have been on trial for several weeks, and some of these happy snaps were taken as recently as today. Whenever we get new photos from the court, I marvel again at the degree of levity.

I hate to sound like an old fart, but back in my day being tried for murder wasn’t NEARLY this much fun. It kind of makes me wish I was them. Oh well, maybe not.

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Above: combo shots of Raffaele Sollecito and Amanda Knox.

Below: Jailed murder suspect Amanda Knox, of the U.S. is led by Italian penitentiary police to a trial session in Perugia, February 13, 2009. Knox and Raffaele Sollecito are on trial for the murder of British student Meredith Kercher in November,  2007.

REUTERS photos by Daniele La Monaca

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Blog Guy, I heard the Italians are pioneering new treatment for coma patients. Do you know about this?

Yes, I think you’re talking about the one where beautiful Italian women wearing next to nothing move sensuously around patients in a last-ditch attempt to awaken them.

Interesting. what sort of success rate do they have?

Uh, it says here that for female patients, the treatment has done absolutely nothing.

That’s too bad. And what about for male patients?

It seems the success rate is 98 percent. It has even worked on a few dead guys.

Related slideshow

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A dancer performs in front of Jose Mourinho, Portuguese soccer coach, during the taping of the television program “Chiambretti Night” in Milan, April 1, 2009. REUTERS photos by Paolo Bona

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Over in Italy, they found the remains of a female “vampire,” buried with a brick jammed between her jaws to prevent her from feeding on plague victims.

Right. Apparently scientists have discounted the more obvious explanation, that maybe she just had one of those high shrill voices that really irritated people.

Our story says gravediggers reopening mass graves would come across bodies bloated by gas, with hair still growing and blood seeping from their mouths, and believe them to be still alive.

This explains not only the origins of vampire myths, but also why “Mass Grave Reopener” is often listed pretty far down among career choices, just above proctologist.

Why am I mentioning this? To point out that the caption on the handout photo below says you can’t use it for advertising campaigns.

So too bad! You guys over at Acme Long-lasting Bricks are just out of luck. Same goes for you, Acme Primitive Dental Supply Co. Just live with it!

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Above: A model presents a creation at Albania Fashion Week in 2008 file photo. REUTERS/ Arben Celi

Below: Undated handout photo from University of Florence shows remains of a female “vampire” from 16th-century Venice. REUTERS/Handout NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

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Blog Guy, I was amazed by your item about the two Taj Mahals. I’m planning a trip to exotic Machu Picchu. How many of those are there?

Counting the chocolate one?

Wait! There’s a chocolate one?

Sure. Here’s a photo. Many popular tourist places are being replicated in dessert form these days, since folks are tired of the real thing. For instance, the best Big Ben is a chocolate one in Italy.

This can’t be true! How do people even find out about these things?

From the boutique dessert travel agencies. Rocky Road Tours, Thriller in Vanilla, Crème Brûlée Getaway, and so on. Here’s a chocolate travel slideshow.

Hmm. Is this more of your stupidity? I’ll check out the chocolate Machu Picchu.

Great. And don’t forget the one down in Georgia, made from really masculine fruit.

Don’t say it. Please don’t say it.

It’s too late to stop myself. MACHO PEACHU.

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Above: Chocolate replica of the Inca citadel of Machu Picchu, in Lima, December 16, 2008. REUTERS/Pilar Olivares

Below: Big Ben reproduction, made of chocolate, in medieval town of Macerata Feltria Italy, December 7, 2008. REUTERS/Daniele La Monaca

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Blog Guy, I was stunned to see items in your blog recently about dictator nostalgia. You had folks carrying pictures of Joseph Stalin in Ukraine and Belarus, and then you had people trying to keep the Mussolini name alive in Italy.

Yes, and just today we have photos of weepy mourners crying on the second anniversary of the death of former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet.

Not THE Augusto Pinochet? The one where 3,000 people were killed or disappeared during his dictatorship?

That’s him, that’s the dude.

And 28,000 others were tortured, and he was suspected of stealing $27 million?

Wow, I see you really know your former dictators! You may want to go online to Brutal Dictators R Us and see all the memorabilia you can buy to commemorate them. You know, coffee mugs, t-shirts, whips, chains.

Oh, I wouldn’t know what to buy…

Are you kidding me? It’s a Website for DICTATORS! They’ll TELL you what to buy!

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Above: Supporter of former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet holds sculpture of him outside a military church during a commemorative mass of the second anniversary of his death, in Santiago December 10, 2008.

Below: A supporter of former Pinochet wipes her tears.

REUTERS photos, Ivan Alvarado

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From Italy comes news that a right-wing party is offering money to parents who name their babies after wartime fascist dictator Benito Mussolini or his wife Rachele, saying their names are under threat.

Well, it’s about time for such incentives! There are some perfectly nice names out there that shouldn’t disappear just because of one bad apple!

It’s time to save some of the others, too. These days, you hardly ever run into an Adolf or Attila or Vlad the Impaler. Would it kill some proud parents to raise a baby Pol Pot?

“Don’t you sass your Mama, Little Pontius!”

“Rasputin, honey, you EAT that baloney sandwich!”

“Ivan the Terrible, get that finger out of your nose this minute!”

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Above: Waxwork of Adolf Hitler at Berlin’s Madame Tussauds.  REUTERS/Tobias Schwarz/Files

Below: Fascists salute coffin of Romano Mussolini, last surviving child of dictator Benito Mussolini, during his 2006 funeral in Rome.  REUTERS/ Darrin Zammit Lupi

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“

George, I brought you a special gift. Italy’s greatest piece of literature, “The Divine Comedy.”

Hey thanks, Silvio! I love comedies. I’ll read it during the meeting this afternoon.

Um, it’s not really a comedy, George. It’s all about different sections of  Hell, and what politicians are there.

Politicians in Hell? It can’t be a true story!

It’s an allegory, George.

Oh, man, I hear you. My allegories start up every spring, as soon as that pollen hits the air.

Oh George, you fooled me again!

Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful audience. I’ll be here until January 20!

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President George W. Bush leads Italy’s Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi into the G20 Summit on Financial Markets and the World Economy in Washington, November 15, 2008. REUTERS/Jim Young

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Blog Guy, I know that President-Elect Barack Obama brought diverse groups together. What’s the oddest coalition you’ve seen from  the election?

That’s easy. In Italy, there was a group called Terriers and Roman Centurions for Obama.

Really! Tell me about that.

Well, they held a victory rally in Rome yesterday outside what looks like a run-down old stadium, and they carried authentic Italian flags, just like Roman Centurions carried 2,000 years ago.

I didn’t realize Roman Centurions could vote in U.S. elections.

They can’t, but Jack Russell Terriers can, and they take the Centurions with them to add “gravitas.”

That makes perfect sense. What is gravitas?

I was hoping you’d know. I think “gravitas” must be a Latin word meaning “cheesy plastic armor.”

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Buster, a Jack Russell Terrier, walks near the ancient Colosseum during rally by supporters of Barack Obama in Rome, November 8, 2008.

Mary Terry, of Madison, Wisconsin at the rally with men dressed as Centurions, who make a living posing with tourists.

REUTERS photos by Chris Helgren

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Blog Guy, all my life I dreamed of a Rome vacation. Last week I finally got there. I went to the famed Trevi fountain, and LIZA MINNELLI was there! She wouldn’t shut up, so my dream trip was ruined!

This doesn’t surprise me. The exact same thing happened to me at the Taj Mahal, the Great Wall, and some lounge in Las Vegas. She’s showing up all over.

But here’s what most people don’t know. Standard contracts with tour operators have a so-called “Liza Minnelli clause,” which mandates a full refund if this occurs. So demand your money back, and tell ‘em Bob sent you.

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Singer Liza Minnelli performs in front of the Trevi fountain in Rome, October 2, 2008. REUTERS/Tony Gentile

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