Gold forearm, she’s the girl, the girl with the Midas touch,
It’s a bit much,
Gold forearm, she’s been kissed, with bracelets stacked on her wrist,
Can’t make a fist,
Trendy places she’d like to have gone,
But the airlines won’t let her get on,
When this golden girl is walking her ferrets,
All her limbs are 18 carats…
Gold forearm…

Memo to fashion show security staff: Somebody has raided the models’ bracelet cabinet. We need to find the jewelry before the show. Whomever did the job must have hidden it, because nobody is tacky enough to wear all of it at one time. Keep your eyes open…

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Model displays gold jewelry ahead of the Hindu festival of Akshaya Tritiya at a showroom in southern Indian city of Hyderabad May 6, 2008.  REUTERS/ Krishnendu Halder

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 I’ve been planning this heist for months, but now that we’re going in, I feel like maybe I overlooked some detail. I guess that’s natural.

Let’s see. I know for sure that $14 million worth of  flawless diamonds are in the mansion. I know this is the one day a year when they leave that titanium  vault open and the back door ajar so the appraiser can get in. This is the day they take their killer dobermans on a picnic and  leave two friendly, well-fed golden retrievers to guard the whole  shebang…

And for sure, this is the one day they leave that big iron gate unlocked, and turn off the lethal electrical charge that always surges through it… Wait! DID I check on that darned electricity thing, or not?  I’m not sure…

More posts about crime

A member of the Street Show PK Club shows parkour skills at a park in Hangzhou, China, April 9, 2008. Parkour is “the art of moving,” involving moving from one point to another as efficiently and quickly as possible. REUTERS/ Steven Shi

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Well, the fashion industry says these clear cube bracelets will be huge this summer, but I don’t think so. Here are some problems I see:

• - You know how you buy a bag of fried pork rinds from a vending machine and they don’t come all the way down, so then you have to stick your hand up there and grab them? You try doing that wearing these!

- A summer accessory? Two words: sun magnification. We’re talking heat rash, second degree burns and wrists so puffy you’ll have to hack the things off with a saw!

- Think you can eat corn-on-the-cob wearing these? Think again…

- And finally, no matter what some slick ad campaign tells you, cheap clear plastic is not “the new platinum.”

A model displays an outfit of SLY at the Tokyo Runway 2008 Spring and Summer collection March 23, 2008. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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This guy decides to ask his girlfriend to marry him, so how does he do it?

• He gives her a $12,000 ring at home, with a cozy fire in the fireplace and a bottle of champagne chilling?
• He gives her a $12,000 ring at their favorite restaurant, over a perfect creme brulee?
• He puts a $12,000 ring in a helium balloon and takes it outside to hand it to her on a windy day?

Maybe you see where this is going. The balloon was last spotted drifting high over London.

Cripes! I’m surprised he didn’t suck in some of that helium himself and propose in a high squeaky voice! In our story, he says he feels like “such a plonker.” I’m not sure what that means, but it sounds about right.

Children release balloons in 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Michael Dalder

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Memo to fashion show staff:

I am happy to announce we’ve secured the services of Mr. T, of “Rocky” and “A-Team” fame, to be  jewelry consultant for this show.  

Mr. T brings a wealth of experience in hanging gold chains on everything, including himself. “It’s just like putting tinsel on a Christmas Tree,” he says. “I throw lots of stuff and see what sticks. I pity the fool that doesn’t like it…”

Yeah, I know, his taste sucks, but who’s going to tell him he’s fired? Not me! Now, bring out the first model, and let’s see how bad it is…

Related postings: Truth, or spoof? and Don’t wear the bracelet on your neck

A model presents a creation by Italian designer Riccardo Tisci for French fashion house Givenchy as part of his Fall/Winter 2008/09 women’s ready-to-wear fashion show in Paris February 27, 2008.  REUTERS/Gonzalo Fuentes

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Salutations, Blog Guy - My husband is a gladiator. It’s a living. Us “glad wives” are expected to show up and cheer, but I need accessories. I want edgy stuff that sort of says, “My husband left his trident in your husband.”

Maybe some jewelry, so my hands will look good when I do thumbs-down at the end of a match.  

And a purse, so I have chariot money in case Marcus gets the old mace in the face someday, if you catch my drift. You know, the old lance in the pants? The old dagger in the gagger? I mean, it’s amazing he’s lasted this long.

I’m touched by your wifely concern. Have a look at these pictures from a current fashion show. By the way, I guess you must get sick of people asking Marcus if he’s going to bring the old battle ax to the Colosseum, huh?

Related post: Fifth floor, medieval accessories

Model displays a creation during Burberry Prorsum’s Fall/Winter 2008/09 women’s show at Milan Fashion Week February 18, 2008. REUTERS/Max Rossi

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“Connie, we have a huge problem. Some of the models are complaining that our outfits are too stupid-looking to wear in the fashion show. One of them said you want her to go out in a bikini, patterned stockings, boots, gloves, a jewelled purse and necklace. That does sound kind of lame to me…

“Well Connie, if they won’t show up, that’s it. I mean, you can’t drag them out there locked in cages, can you? Can you imagine what the blog headlines would say? Connie? Connie!”

A model displays a creation from Koyo William Cheung’s Fall/Winter 2008 collection during Hong Kong Fashion Week January 16, 2008. REUTERS/Victor Fraile

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Blog Guy, I want to get my wife  something nice for Christmas.  Do you have tips on jewelry and clothes?

Certainly. Guys often neglect to make sure there are easy-to-follow directions showing  how to wear a necklace, dress or whatever.

Oh, the stories I could tell about folks who were publicly humiliated  because they didn’t bother to read the manual.     

All your finest shops include colorful instruction  booklets such as, “How to Wear Your New Ruby Ring.” I don’t mean to frighten you, but here are some cautionary tales to show that even trained professionals can make mistakes:

Me? I thought YOU told her about bracelets!  

Zoe regretted buying an outfit tagged “assembly required”  

Model misses the whole point of a necklace…  

Introducing the waist-necklace? 

Psssssssst! Your dress is on upside down!

REUTERS photo by Susana Vera

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This dude wrote a book about picking up women. He says he was named “world’s greatest pickup artist” for three years. I never won that title, and didn’t even know there was a contest. But the thing is, this expert’s advice just sounds funny.

Take rule number one: When you walk into a room look like you are having fun and don’t look around for attractive women. Now, if you see a guy walk in by himself looking like he’s “having fun,” you’re probably going to wonder what he’s on, and why he isn’t looking for attractive women like the other guys are, right?

Rule number two: Have a simple question to ask people, like who sings a certain song, so you can move around the room easily. This cracks me up. When women learn this guy is asking who sang Funkytown, over and over, they’re gonna think he has attention deficit disorder, which may not make him a chick-magnet.

The expert says even if a guy is really obese, he should just spray on a tan and put on jewelry, and he’ll get women. Right. They’ll be, like, “Who’s that rotund guy with jaundice, and why is his man-jewelry so oily-looking?” Here’s our story, by Belinda Goldsmith:

photo REUTERS/handout

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This professional fashion model…

1. apparently skipped the class called “Jewelry: What Goes Where?”
2. is not who you want to take as your date to a corn-on-the-cob restaurant
3. was named the Best ZZ Top Female Tribute Artist for four straight years
4. should plan on serious delays in getting through airport security

In case you think this photo is just a novelty fluke, take a look at the slideshow:

A model displays an outfit by Carlos Diez during the Spring/Summer 2008 Pasarela Cibeles fashion show in Madrid September 21, 2007. REUTERS/Susana Vera

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