Pouting bikini models behind bars…

“Connie, we have a huge problem. Some of the models are complaining that our outfits are too stupid-looking to wear in the fashion show. One of them said you want her to go out in a bikini, patterned stockings, boots, gloves, a jewelled purse and necklace. That does sound kind of lame to me…

“Well Connie, if they won’t show up, that’s it. I mean, you can’t drag them out there locked in cages, can you? Can you imagine what the blog headlines would say? Connie? Connie!”

A model displays a creation from Koyo William Cheung’s Fall/Winter 2008 collection during Hong Kong Fashion Week January 16, 2008. REUTERS/Victor Fraile

More stuff from the Oddly Enough Blog

Don’t wear the bracelet on your neck, honey…

Blog Guy, I want to get my wife  something nice for Christmas.  Do you have tips on jewelry and clothes?

Certainly. Guys often neglect to make sure there are easy-to-follow directions showing  how to wear a necklace, dress or whatever.

Oh, the stories I could tell about folks who were publicly humiliated  because they didn’t bother to read the manual.     

All your finest shops include colorful instruction  booklets such as, “How to Wear Your New Ruby Ring.” I don’t mean to frighten you, but here are some cautionary tales to show that even trained professionals can make mistakes:

Who sang Funkytown? Who sang Funkytown? Who…

This dude wrote a book about picking up women. He says he was named “world’s greatest pickup artist” for three years. I never won that title, and didn’t even know there was a contest. But the thing is, this expert’s advice just sounds funny.

Take rule number one: When you walk into a room look like you are having fun and don’t look around for attractive women. Now, if you see a guy walk in by himself looking like he’s “having fun,” you’re probably going to wonder what he’s on, and why he isn’t looking for attractive women like the other guys are, right?

Rule number two: Have a simple question to ask people, like who sings a certain song, so you can move around the room easily. This cracks me up. When women learn this guy is asking who sang Funkytown, over and over, they’re gonna think he has attention deficit disorder, which may not make him a chick-magnet.

The expert says even if a guy is really obese, he should just spray on a tan and put on jewelry, and he’ll get women. Right. They’ll be, like, “Who’s that rotund guy with jaundice, and why is his man-jewelry so oily-looking?” Here’s our story, by Belinda Goldsmith:

Me? I thought YOU told her about bracelets!

This professional fashion model…

In case you think this photo is just a novelty fluke, take a look at the slideshow:

A model displays an outfit by Carlos Diez during the Spring/Summer 2008 Pasarela Cibeles fashion show in Madrid September 21, 2007. REUTERS/Susana Vera

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Introducing the waist-necklace?

Once again the fashion industry takes a turn for the practical, offering up this outfit perfectly suited for a wide range of occasions, whether you’re representing deadbeats in tax court, walking your ferret, flying in your gyrocopter, or just enjoying an evening of miniature golf.

My only problem is, in spite of being a longtime observer of the haute couture scene, sometimes they hit me with confusing new articles of clothing, like that uni-sleeve deal a few weeks ago.

I’m not quite sure what to call that piece of jewelry hanging from this model’s waist. It’s like, you know, a necklace that slid down, or like a really heavy belt, and frankly I’m not completely sure she is even wearing it in the right place. So if you happen to own one, can you please check the box it came in and see what they call it?

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This award is the icing on the carat cake…

As Marilyn Monroe put it so well in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, upon seeing her first tiara, ”I just LOVE finding new places to wear diamonds.”

Well, it turns out some people are better at wearing jewelry than others, which I guess is why there’s actually a Best Jewelry Wearer competition, in Japan.

The awards are presented to “celebrities and famous personalities with either an outstanding fashion sensibility in jewelry, or a brilliant record of achievement,” and there are categories and everything.  

Anyway, as you can see from this photo of one of the winners, the competition is tough - you need to think of lots of new places to jam gems, like fingernails and knuckles, if you want to walk away with the big prize.  I suggest you start practicing now for next year’s contest.

Play it again and again and again, Sam…

Okay, you’re a carpenter in India. You steal a million bucks worth of diamonds from a jewelry shop you’re working on, and the last thing you want to do is attract suspicion.

So naturally, you sell some of the diamonds, get drunk, go to a dance bar and tip the band lavishly to play the same song, over and over and over. You have them play the Bollywood song Humko Deewana Kar Gaye repeatedly, not for one night, not for two, but for three nights.

Oh, and while you’re at it, make sure a police informer is hanging out at the same bar, and that you’re carrying $67,000 worth of the diamonds with you when the cops pick you up. Here is the story:

Stars of Humko Deewana Kar Gaye: Actress Katrina Kaif performs with Akshay Kumar at the 7th International Indian Film Academy awards in Dubai June 16, 2006. REUTERS/Jack Dabaghian

Flashy attire the result of fertile imaginations?

It turns out a new study suggests that women dress to impress when they are at their most fertile. The study, of young college women, showed they frequently wore more fashionable or flashier clothing and jewelry when they were ovulating.   

A model presents this creation by Lebanese designer Elie Saab during his Spring/Summer 2007 ready-to-wear fashion collection in Paris October 8, 2006. REUTERS/Charles Platiau   

Cher and Cher alike…

For those of you who have always wanted to be just like Cher – and I don’t want to know who you are or how you found this blog – this is the event you’ve been waiting for.

In early October, the singer is holding a gigantic global garage sale, getting rid of 800 items, from stage costumes to gem encrusted jewelry, works of art, furniture and even a Hummer. 

Among the items being auctioned off are many pieces from Cher’s Malibu home. According to one of the people organizing the auction, the singer is redecorating, and getting rid of her gothic revival items.  Hmmmmm. And what will replace that style? Cher will be “going for a Moroccan-Tibetan look,” according to our story: 

This could be you… Cher performs in Toronto, October 31, 2003. REUTERS/Mike Cassese

Model misses the whole point of a necklace…

Remember what Marilyn Monroe’ character said when she was shown a tiara in the movie “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”?  “You DO wear it on your head. I just LOVE finding new places to wear diamonds!”  Well, looks like some women feel the same way about pearls.  Feel free to come up with your own caption and blast it to us via Post a Comment.                                                                       

A model wears a creation from Lucy in the sky ’s 2007 spring/summer collection during the Fashion Rio Show in Rio de Janeiro June 7, 2006. REUTERS/Bruno Domingos