Blog Guy, I’m about to graduate from college in December, and I could use some career advice. I know you’re great at that.

Well, it depends on what you studied, of course. We need doctors, teachers, engineers….

I majored in creative writing and film studies.

Oh. Have you considered the carwash?

Yeah, but I have only a B-minus average, so the better carwashes won’t even look at me.

Not to worry. There’s always the carwash in Afghanistan, as you can see in these photos. Plenty of new business, too, since the average car in Kabul lasts four and a half minutes.

Awesome! Thanks for the advice! Say, why are these pictures in black and white, anyway?

I believe they ARE in color, but that’s just how color looks in Afghanistan.

Thanks, I can’t wait… You want rust-proofing too, sir?

Afghan carwash slideshow

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Above: Workers clean a car along Qabri Gora Road in Kabul, November 2, 2009. With Kabul’s busy and dusty roads, business is always assured at the carwash.

Below: A customer (R) waits while his car is being washed.

REUTERS photos by Jerry Lampen

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Blog Guy, you’ve been great about career advice, especially offering tips to help figure out if people may have chosen the wrong line of work. Keep it coming, please.

Sure. Are you leaving on a business trip? Take off your clothes, look in a full-length mirror and count the number of live python snakes you see taped to your body in stockings.

If it’s more than say, two or three, maybe you should be looking on monster.com for a new job.

Pythons?  What kind of imbecile would tape that many pythons to his body?

The Norwegian kind of imbecile. Customs officials stopped a guy with a tarantula in his bag, so they decided to give him the full body treatment. They found FOURTEEN pythons taped to him.

Yikes! I wonder why he didn’t go for 20?

Because that would have gotten in the way of the 10 lizards hidden in cans that were also taped to him.

Blog Guy, you like this story, don’t you? And if I know you, you’re holding back something that’s even better.

Well yes, there was a wonderful quote in one of the papers that covered the story.

An official was quoted as saying,  “Customs officers quickly realized the man was smuggling animals, because his whole body was in constant motion.”

Duh, I guess it would be! Well, here’s your problem right here, sir!

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Top left: A customs officer presents a live chameleon during a news conference in a 2007 file photo. Customs officers displayed various items and reptiles that had been confiscated while being illegally smuggled into Germany. REUTERS/Alex Grimm

Top right: Australian native geckos concealed in a hollowed out book which were seized by Customs officials are seen in a 2008 photo. REUTERS/Australian Customs/Handout

Right: A zookeeper measures a royal python during animal stock-taking at the Zoo in Hanover, Germany, in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Fabrizio Bensch (GERMANY)

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Blog Guy, I read about a vocational training program for Afghan citizens. It sounds so strange I don’t even want to repeat it here…

I suspect you mean the Kabul-Capades, an ice skating extravaganza the U.S. is putting together so Afghanis will have real jobs after the war. As you can see, the basics of a good routine are being taught even before they put on skates.

How many new Afghan ice spectaculars does the U.S. think the world needs?

It isn’t JUST ice skating, silly! There’s a bluegrass music troupe called the Tali-Banjos. And the likely loser in the recent Afghan election will tour as Abdullah Abdullah’s Juggler Jugglers….

Hmmm. That does sound good. Can I buy a season ticket to get me into ALL the shows?

Sure. It’s called the…

No! Wait!

Too late. It’s called the Khyber Pass…

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Left: Skaters perform in a 1998 file photo. REUTERS/Andy Clark

Right: A U.S Marine searches an Afghan man for weapons near the town of Khan Neshin in Rig district of Helmand province, September 8, 2009. REUTERS/ Goran Tomasevic

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LONNIE, WHERE YOU AT?

I’m up here on the roof mowing the grass, like you told me, Ma! I still don’t know why we have to be the only ones with a grass roof!

Because it’s GREEN, Lonnie, and it… LONNIE! I know you’ve got vertigo, but you need to do a better job than that! Now look, get all the way up to the edge of the roof, so it looks neat…

Ma, when I hafta look down like that I get all woozy and dizzy! This is good enough…

No it’s not!! Just close your eyes and push that mower closer to the edge! HEAR ME?  THAT’S LOOKIN’ BETTER, LONNIE!  LONNIE?  Lon?

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A workman mows the grass roof of a government building near the capital city of Torshavn August 13, 2009. REUTERS/Bob Strong

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Blog Guy, I can count and I like birds. What would be a good career for me?

Those are pretty strong qualifications in today’s job market. I would suggest a career in Swan Upping.

Swan what?

Swan Uppers count swans in the river Thames, over in England. For five days every July they put on red jackets and count swans for the Queen. The Queen watches, I guess to make sure she’s not getting screwed out of any swans.

Why do they want to know how many swans the queen has?

According to the official Website, Swan Upping began in the 12th century, because, and I quote, “At that time swans were regarded as a delicious dish at banquets and feasts.”

You’re just making that up.

No, you can read it here. I suppose it tastes like chicken.

What do Swan Uppers do the other 51 weeks a year?

Nothing, as far as I know.

Count me in! I’ll bring you back some neck meat!

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Above: Britain’s Queen Elizabeth poses with her team of Swan Uppers before watching the annual Swan Upping census on the river Thames, near Windsor, southern England July 20, 2009.

Right: The queen watches as Swan Uppers release swans back into the river.

REUTERS photos by Sang Tan/Pool

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Blog Guy, you’ve given lots of career pointers, especially warning people about jobs to stay away from. If I’m not mistaken, your advice is free?

Yes, my advice is totally gratuitous.

That’s just how it  seems to your readers. Any new jobs to avoid?

Yeah. This one in the photo.

I see what you mean!  He’s jumping from a helicopter into the water!

You don’t understand. That’s the easy part. He’s called a “mine diver.” After jumping from the chopper he looks for mines and attaches explosives to them, meaning there isn’t one single aspect of this job that appeals to me.

Pay attention, recent grads. Any job title that includes the words “underwater mine,” “diver,” “explosive” or “German Navy” means you’re better off unemployed.

Thanks. I just graduated with an Art History major.

Ah. Then you should go for this mine diver thing, if it offers dental.

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Above: German Navy mine diver jumps into water from helicopter during media exercise of the underwater diving branch of the German Navy, in the Baltic Sea off the coast of Eckernfoerde, Germany, July 1, 2009.

Right: A mine diver attaches an explosive charge dummy on a sea mine during the exercise.

REUTERS photos by Morris Mac Matzen

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Come in and have a seat, Mr. Johnson, and thanks for your application to join our little company.

Let’s see, it says here your last position was in Somalia! Well, that’s quite a long ways away, I guess. Iowa, or someplace?

And what line of work were you in over there? Ah, shipping-related? Interesting.

Your application says you were a freebooter, marauder, plunderer, corsair, brigand, picaroon… Those are all shipping terms, huh? Guess I’ll have to look some of ‘em up.

Says here you’re familiar with a Cutlass. Great! I’m an Oldsmobile man, too.

Now, I should warn you Mr. Johnson, we require our salesmen to actually wear pants on the job, so, you know, don’t be showing up here in your underwear like that.

I think that’ll do it for now, but I’ll need some references at your previous employer. Uh-huh? Dead? ALL of ‘em? Well, I guess we’ll just have to trust you then…

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Model presents creation as part of the Vivienne Westwood Spring/Summer 2010 men’s collection during Milan Fashion Week June 21, 2009. REUTERS/Stefano Rellandini

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Blog Guy, I recently graduated from college with a major in creative writing and a minor in film studies. What sort of job should I be looking for?

Can you juggle?

What? You mean like tennis balls?

No, more like chainsaws. Ones that are actually running. If you check out the photo below, I think there may be an opening when Stumpy here “retires.”

We already know that his assistant, Lefty, isn’t going to move up in the organization.

Maybe you didn’t understand me. I said creative writing and film studies. Shouldn’t I command something better than chainsaw-juggling?

Of course, my mistake. Do you think you could bend a horseshoe with your teeth?

Yes, thanks! That’s more like it!

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Above: Rainer Schroeder, 48, from Germany, bends a horseshoe with his teeth to set a new World Record during the Impossibility Challenger in Dachau, north of Munich June 21, 2009.

Left: Milan Roskopf, of Slovakia, juggles three motor saws during the Impossibility Challenger.

REUTERS photos by Michaela Rehle

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Welcome back to our popular feature, Stuff Maybe we Should Have Mentioned in the Caption, but Didn’t.

Now, the actual photo caption we put on these pictures tells us a man dressed as a friar is jumping off a 33-foot cliff at a restaurant in Peru, as a tourist attraction.

Huh? He’s doing what? In fairness, our caption also says the restaurant’s name is “The Jump of the Friar,” so either this is quite an amazing coincidence, or else the guy works for the place.

I suppose he’s just happy they didn’t decide to name it “The Beheading of the Friar” or the “Colonoscopy of the Friar” or something like that.

But anyway, here’s my point. You recent college graduates with difficult-to-market skills should pay attention. One of these days this guy won’t come out of the water, which is your opportunity to be the star attraction at Peru’s newest cliff-side eatery, “The Jump of the Creative Writing Major.” Hey, it’s a job.

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A man dressed as a friar jumps from a ten meter (33 feet) cliff at “The Jump of the Friar,” a local restaurant, as a tourist attraction in Lima, May 28, 2009. REUTERS/ Pilar Olivares

Blog Guy, I’ve noticed that every time you offer career advice about the military, all you do is write about the jobs you consider crappy. Are there ANY good jobs?

Yes. These troops here are watching as tons of marijuana goes up in smoke, if you catch my drift.

They’re just standing there.

I presume they’re also inhaling, if you catch my drift.

So this would be a good assignment?

Absolutely, especially when the Big Snack Truck shows up, if you catch my drift.

And all they have to do is be in a straight formation?

More of a Zigzag, if you…

Yes, I DO catch your drift, Blog Guy.! The village idiot would catch your drift!

Oh. Now I’ve forgotten what I was saying, if you catch…

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Soldiers stand in formation as packages of marijuana are incinerated at a military base in Monterrey, northern Mexico, April 24, 2009. More than 9 tons of marijuana and drugs such as cocaine, heroin, methamphetamines and psychotropic pills were destroyed as part of efforts to crack down on the drug trade. REUTERS/Tomas Bravo

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