Blog Guy, recently you had pictures of John McCain, Barack Obama and Joe Biden all eating ice cream, and you said give Sarah Palin a few days and she would also be pandering to ice cream voters. Well, she’s an independent-minded rebel, so are you ready to take it back?

You should check out these pictures of Palin in Wisconsin yesterday. As I predicted, she’s already cramming those icy scoops past her lips as fast as she can.

That’s awful! I expected more! What flavor did she order?

Something with the unfortunate name “Moose Tracks.”

Oh dear. Why is it called that?

I can’t say for sure, but the shop was named The Chocolate Factory, so you connect the tracks. So to speak.

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Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin tastes her “Moose Tracks” ice cream cone during a campaign stop at The Chocolate Factory with U.S. Republican presidential nominee Senator John McCain in Cedarburg, Wisconsin, September 5, 2008. REUTERS/ Brian Snyder

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Blog Guy, do our presidential candidates have any supporters in other countries?

Yes, I checked it out, and there is a very active group called Spain for McCain.

You didn’t check anything out. You just wanted to use that headline, didn’t you?

Maybe. But there is also an active Democratic group closer to our shores, in Nassau.

This better not be more of your juvenile garbage. What is it called?

Bahama for Obama.

That’s it! I’m never coming back here!

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Members of the “Spain for McCain” platform with a cardboard cutout of Republican presidential candidate John McCain in Madrid September 4, 2008. REUTERS/Susana Vera

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Quick quiz: Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, who now earns a living telling scary campfire stories for young and old and bills himself as “BOO-liani,” is saying here…

“So the THUMP-THUMP-THUMP was his head, rolling down the old staircase!”

“Then he screamed, ‘That isn’t RAIN on my windshield, it’s BLOOOOOOOD!’”

“Suddenly, she realized! The call was coming from INSIDE the mayor’s mansion!

“If the capital gains tax is raised, we won’t be quite as RICH!”

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Former Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani speaks at the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minnesota, September 3, 2008. REUTERS/Mike Segar

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Hey Blog Guy, I’ve been asleep for the last year. What’s the main issue in the upcoming election?

Uh-oh. I slept a lot too, but I believe the big issue is music.

Music?

Yes. Republicans want to make country music our official music. If you watch their convention you’ll see lots of signs saying “COUNTRY FIRST.”

That’s not much of an issue. 

It is if you think how much the Democrats love rock ‘n’ roll.

What about classical music?

Get real. That’s for Europeans and Austrians. They can’t vote here.

Do the Republicans accept any other kind of music at all?

Sure. Some of them are okay with both country and western.

You don’t know anything, do you?

Not much, so it’s nice of folks to read my blog.

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Delegates cheer during a tribute to John McCain’s military service, at the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minnesota, September 2, 2008. REUTERS/Shannon Stapleton

U.S. Senator Joe Lieberman addresses Republican National Convention, September 2, 2008.    REUTERS/Brian Snyder

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Blog Guy, looking around the Republican Convention, I saw a fairly famous guy who might have been overlooked for the number two slot on the ticket.

Yeah, I think I know who you’re talking about. He doesn’t seem to be what they’re looking for. He was closely associated with a war, and that’s not the right image. He’s also not very popular in the South, and isn’t likely to bring in those states.

I didn’t think of it that way. What else is wrong with him?

He’s from Illinois but probably couldn’t take that state from Barack Obama.

So he would bring nothing to a ticket?

I  wouldn’t say that. The team who vetted him for the veep slot noted that his Secretary of State, William Seward, bought Alaska. One thing leads to another, and when they went up there to ask the current governor about him, well, you figure it out.

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Missouri delegate George Engelbach, wearing a hat and beard reminiscent of former U.S. President Abraham Lincoln, walks the floor at the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minnesota September 1, 2008.  REUTERS/Brian Snyder

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Blog Guy, I worry that the candidates don’t get enough to eat. 

Are  you kidding? They won’t starve. Each candidate eats an estimated six gallons of ice cream daily! They go through a dozen cones at a single stop, so all the photographers can get pictures.

I had absolutely no idea!

Sure. Why do you think a dentist travels on each campaign plane, to make sure tooth decay isn’t an issue despite all that sugar?

But what about that lady candidate, Sarah Palin? I don’t see any photos of her eating mounds of ice cream.

Look, she’s a former beauty queen, so she’s a little timid at first. Give her another week and she’ll have syrupy rivulets of butter pecan rolling down her sticky chin, just like the rest of them.

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Republican candidate John McCain in New Concord, Ohio August 29, 2008. REUTERS/John Gress

Democratic nominees Barack Obama and Joe Biden in Aliquippa, Pennsylvania, August 29, 2008. REUTERS/Jim Young

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Hey Blog Guy, last month some dude wrote in about a rumored conspiracy involving prominent newsmakers who communicate with each other through a secret hand gesture language. You said that wasn’t true.

Well, the rumors are growing, and we think the plot could go all the way to  the top. Yes, I mean George Clooney! The news media are aiding the conspirators, by running photos of the gestures so these people can’t be linked by phone calls and meetings.

Calm down. You obviously know nothing about the news media. What you’re suggesting would have to involve someone with a global audience who is so easily duped that he wouldn’t notice a consistent pattern. That would border on the moronic, wouldn’t it?

George Bush: REUTERS photo by Michael Dalder

George Clooney: REUTERS photo by Jason Reed

John McCain: REUTERS photo by Brian Snyder

Tony Blair: REUTERS photo by Kim Kyung-Hoon

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Blog Guy, what’s the deal with John McCain’s thumbs? Is that left over from when he was a movie critic on that Ebert and McCain show?

No, but that’s a good guess. I believe the candidate is making a visual reference to the days when his campaign was very low on money and he had to hitchhike everyplace.

Even today, after a rally, he holds his thumb out for a ride, and seems surprised when a big black limo always stops to pick him up.

More about John McCain

(REUTERS photos)

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Blog Guy, like most voters, I make my choices based on a candidate’s UFO policies. Who cares more about outer space menaces? Barack Obama or John McCain?

This is a tough one, because I think both men are serious. 

There are photos of Obama spending idle hours between campaign stops scanning the skies with a pocket telescope he always carries. Sometimes he’ll stop in the middle of a speech and have a look for what he calls “them.”

As for McCain, he may already have had a close encounter. There are rumors that a UFO landed right beside him and dragged off several hundred supporters. I can’t confirm this, but I’ve seen a picture.   

Obama uses 
kaleidoscope at gift shop in South Dakota, May 31, 2008. REUTERS/ Rick Wilking 

McCain at news conference in Ottawa, June 20, 2008. REUTERS/Chris Wattie  

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Blog Guy, I just don’t see how candidates pay for campaigns these days. It’s so expensive!

Well, as you know I get most of my news from seeing photos and guessing what’s going on. But it looks to me like they’re getting into product endorsements.

This scene has the feel of a classic infomercial, where the woman tells Barack Obama this gizmo can prevent decay. At first he’s like skeptical, but then he caves in and says he’s going to brush every day now andby the way, you can get the Ginsu Knives if you act quickly. Operators are standing by.

Coming tomorrow: John McCain demonstrates his George Foreman Grill…

Presumptive U.S. Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama is presented with a dental hygiene kit by dental hygienist student Holly Siemens at a campaign stop in Taylor, Michigan June 17, 2008. REUTERS/ Rebecca Cook

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