Dr. Frankenstein: Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
Igor: What hump?

Breaking entertainment news! Hold on to your berets, NYU film students! It turns out that in their spare time, the presidential candidates have shot a remake of  Mel Brooks’ classic, Young Frankenstein!

As you can see in the studio photo below, Barack Obama is Dr. Frankenstein, and John McCain STEALS THE SHOW as his assistant, Igor.

I’m not saying who nailed the parts of The Monster and Inga, but with veep candidates Joe Biden and Sarah Palin also attached to the project, you do the math.

The new version opens on a dark and stormy night in Washington, DC. We see the White House in a violent thunderstorm. Suddenly, a massive lightning bolt silhouettes the Oval Office, and there, electrodes protruding from his forehead…

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Republican nominee John McCain reacts to almost heading the wrong way off the stage after shaking hands with Democratic nominee Barack Obama at the conclusion of the presidential debate at Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York, October 15, 2008. REUTERS/ Jim Bourg

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Blog Guy, I was intrigued by your item this week on the Oddly Enough Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop. Is that a real place?

It’s as real as anything else you’ll read about in this blog.

I was wondering why you have John McCain but not Barack Obama?

Several readers asked about this. Obama doesn’t make goofy faces, at least not while we’re looking. Of COURSE we at the Museum and Doughnut Shop want to include him. We’ve even sent one of our Goofy Face Coaches to follow him around and offer some pointers.

Well, okay, that seems fair.

But meanwhile, you can help, too. Go to Obama’s rallies and make the most grotesque faces you can, until he gets the idea.

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Woman reacts as she meets Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama at a rally at the University of Miami, Coral Gables, Florida, September 19, 2008. REUTERS/Carlos Barria

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Blog Guy, does Republican candidate John McCain seem distracted these days?

Yes, he has other stuff on his mind. He’s auditioning for a spot in the the Oddly Enough Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop. He’s getting close, but isn’t quite there yet.

I’m not familiar with that institution.

It’s a VERY popular Washington, DC tourist attraction, right under the White House. We have 6,000 photos of famous people making incredibly goofy faces. And warm, tasty doughnuts, too!

Wow! And you say it’s almost as popular as the White House?

No, I said it’s RIGHT UNDER the White House. Good luck finding it.

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Republican nominee John McCain in Waukesha, Wisconsin, October 9, 2008. REUTERS/ Carlos Barria

George Bush REUTERS/Kai Pfaffenbach

Queen Elizabeth REUTERS/Luke MacGregor

George Clooney REUTERS/Max Rossi

Hillary Clinton REUTERS/ Brian Snyder

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Blog Guy, are all the campaign debates over with now?

Of course not, italic font-using stranger! As the photos show, both candidates are busy prepping for the crucial Math Debate. The format is, they hold up fingers to answer math questions like, “If you are counting on six states but your opponent seems to be taking five of them away from you, how many do you have left?

I had no idea! So that will be the last debate, then?

No, there’s still the one next week in which all of the questions must be answered in Turkish.

I didn’t even know the candidates spoke Turkish!

Oh, they don’t. It should be a doozy, huh?

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Obama photos by REUTERS/Carlos Barria

McCain photos by REUTERS/Jim Young

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A McCain supporter from Pennsylvania writes to say she attended a rally there yesterday and was impressed with Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin.

“I just wondered if you have any news photographs of Palin’s legs and shoes at that event, which I can save for my grandchildren?” she asks.

We sure do! Take your pick. From yesterday’s rally we’ve got half-calves blurred, full calves and shoes in focus, front shins blurred, etc….

In the event you want news photographs of the candidate’s actual face, well, as Palin likes to say, “I’ll try to find ya some and I’ll bring ‘em to ya.“

For more Sarah Palin shoe shots, click here and here and here.

Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin attends a rally in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, October 8, 2008. REUTERS/Carlos Barria

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It’s not a real presidential campaign until people start claiming to be dead-ringer lookalikes for the candidates.

One of these two guys will spend the next few years appearing at birthday parties, used car lots, and so on. Indeed, an obscure chick named Tina somebody is already cashing in by playing Sarah Palin.

Mort, a handyman in Boise, is turning heads with his John McCain mannerisms. As the woman in this photo said, “I can’t believe how much Mort looks like McCain in that Navy hat! Hey, Mort, can you fix our front stoop tomorrow?”

Meanwhile, Ernie, who carries groceries at a Kroger supermarket in South Bend, is honing his Barack Obama routine and refers to the tips he lives on as “Change I can believe in.”

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above: Republican nominee John McCain greets people gathered outside a hotel in Sedona, Arizona, October 5, 2008. REUTERS/Brian Snyder

below: Democratic nominee Barack Obama walks out of a barbecue restaurant with an order of takeout food in Asheville, North Carolina, October 6, 2008.  REUTERS/ Jason Reed

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I’ve written about all the ice cream that presidential candidates get to eat, and some readers got the idea that campaigning is a great gig, just flying around for free and eating treats.

But wait. You also have to go to state fairs and stuff, and act like pigs are interesting, and take your rich wife along and even SHE has to act like they’re interesting, and say stuff like, “John, that’s SOME pig, isn’t it?” while she’s thinking, “I could REALLY use a porkchop about now!”

And then you have to listen to some pig guy tell your wife how really this animal is a boar , which is a pig that hasn’t been castrated, and then your wife has to be like, “Isn’t that interesting, John?” when she’s really thinking, “Look what I just stepped in! Get me the frick out of this stinkhole!”

Of course, all these quotes are made up, because I wasn’t there, but I’ll bet I’m not very far off.

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Republican presidential candidate John McCain and his wife Cindy look at the winning boar of the Big Boar contest during a campaign stop at the Iowa State Fair in Des Moines, August 8, 2008. REUTERS/Stephen Mally

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I was a bit startled to read that right under plans for the economy, a huge number of voters say they will make their presidential choice based on how the candidates look reflected in sunglasses.

Still, if that’s what voters want, we’ll be doing as many reflection shots as possible until Election Day.

It is also worth noting that a substantial number of likely voters  say they will base their choice on how the candidates look dressed as Vikings. We’ll begin working on that right away.

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top: Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama reflected in sunglasses in Hanover, New Hampshire, May 28, 2007. REUTERS/Brian Snyder

middle: Obama reflected in sunglasses in Dunedin, Florida, September 24, 2008. REUTERS/Jason Reed

bottom: Republican presidential candidate John McCain reflected in sunglasses in Annapolis, Maryland, April 2, 2008. REUTERS/Jason Reed

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Okay, this is a blog for grown-ups, so I’m going to ask this straight: Does it seem like Republican candidates John McCain and Sarah Palin hug a lot more than, say, the Democratic candidates?

Being a cosmopolitan guy I also hug women I haven’t seen for a while, but I mean, these two are doing constant campaign stops all over the country together, aren’t they?

So this is like, John! Sarah! Where the heck have you been keeping yourself, John? It’s weird, Sarah, I haven’t seen you since like ten minutes ago, waiting in line for the lavatory on the plane! Come here, you!

Shouldn’t somebody ask what all this time-consuming hugging is going to do to presidential productivity if they’re elected?

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above: Republican presidential nominee John McCain is introduced and embraced by his vice presidential running mate Sarah Palin at a campaign rally in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, September 18, 2008. REUTERS/Stephen Mally

Other REUTERS hug photos by Brian Snyder, John Gress and Jim Young.

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Quick quiz: Republican presidential candidate John McCain is saying…

“Wave, Cindy! I think that’s my first wife over there!”

“Is that jerk fooling anybody with that comb-over?

“There’s one of the guards from the Hanoi Hilton! Yo! Nguyen!”

“Look what that sign says about me! It says… Oh. Never mind.”

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Republican presidential nominee John McCain, his wife Cindy (R) and vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin take the stage at a campaign rally in Colorado Springs, Colorado September 6, 2008. REUTERS photos by Brian Snyder

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