Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
Then the queen says to this fishmonger…
I say, my good man, are you the local fishmonger?
You’ve come to the right plaice, your majesty. I’m the o-fish-al monger!
Well, I must say, there is a vile odor here!
You smelt something bad? Say, did you come to carp, or are you here just for the halibut? Get it? Halibut? I got a million of ‘em!
One gathers you must be some sort of village simpleton, laughing at jokes such as those.
You could be right, your majesty. I’ll mullet over.
Want a margarita in a dribble glass, sir?
Blog Guy, I know you’re blogging from vacation, and some of your readers have been debating where you might have gone.
Thanks for your interest. I’m at a world-famous practical joke camp for adults.
A practical joke camp for adults? What’s it called?
“Camp Juvenile, where the novelty never wears off!” We spend two weeks learning the basics of really amusing practical jokes, with an emphasis on the classics.
It’s wonderful here. I love meals in the rustic mess hall, where every seat has a whoopee cushion and they only serve drinks in dribble glasses. Last night at campfire, the director doused the flames and the logs kept relighting. We were in stitches!
Her name was Sharon. Nosmo, you should have seen her sister Cheryl. They had a brother named Cam. Uh-oh.
When designers stay up past bedtime…
Um, Blog Guy, you write about fashion real good. We are two very famous designers, and we would like to have you cover our new clothes and stuff. Okay?
Sure. If you’re really big designers, I’ll see your creations at one of the big international shows.
Oh. We can’t make it to those shows, so we’re sending you professional photos from an iPhone. Please use them in your blog.
Ah. Yeah, the pictures just arrived. Looking at these, I’m going to guess you guys are what, 12 years old, and you did this with Photoshop because girls won’t talk to you?
No! We are real designers! Why don’t you believe us?
Because these are the most infantile creations I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot. If you’re legit, then maybe I could visit your studio tomorrow?
Look at the knockers on that place!
Blog Guy, my daughter just got a degree in creative writing and film studies. Any suggestions for a job?
Sure. Increasingly, people in nice big houses are hiring human door knockers to hang on their front doors, as kind of a status thing. You get to work with people and be outdoors.
Isn’t it just for guys?
No, there are some young women in the profession. They call themselves “doorbelles.”
Who do the knockers take orders from?
The brass.
Darn, you took a while… gotta toughen up Malt… or simple yet, dont do anything to get tased…;)
One small step for man…aaaahhhhhh!!!
Blog Guy, you strike me as a guy who would like practical jokes.
No way. Too many of those things are cruel, sick, mean-spirited and make me cringe.
Oh come on, I can tell from the humor in your blog, you’ve contemplated some pretty funny tricks on your fellow man, even if you never went through with them.
Well, I have thought of a few impish monkeyshines now and then, sure.
That’s better. So go ahead and tell me one of them. What would you do?
Okay, but just between the two of us?
You have my word.
Sure, put him in a green pressure suit and he could give Willem Dafoe a fun for his money!
It’s a regular Hu’s Who, Blog Guy!
Hey, Blog Guy, I’ve been looking at your photo file. You just had a shot of China’s President Hu Jintao, in Shenzhen.
Who?
Yes, Hu! He was near Macau, where that snooker player is from.
What?
That’s him! Si Tau Chong Wut. And while Hu was in Shenzhen, China’s premier was in Tianjin.
Next, I’ll snap myself with a towel…
Blog Guy, your coverage of stupid sports has fallen off. Isn’t anybody out there competing in such stupid classics as Appliance Golf, Tear Gas Tennis and Pottybuilding?
Your timing is perfect. The International Self-Pranking Olympics are now underway in Germany. All those cruel, thoughtless practical jokes that dumbasses usually pull on other people, they do to themselves at these Olympics.
For instance, here you can see the gold medal winner in the Self-Wedgie event. Boy, he really got himself good!
Gosh! What are some of the other self-pranking events?
You name it. If it’s cruel and boorish and immature, they’ve got it.
Yesterday they held the Self-Noogies, the Self-Towel-Snap, and the Self-Tying-Your-Shoelaces-Together competitions.
Today we have the Hey, I Can’t Stretch Out! event, where competitors from every country short-sheet their own beds, then get in them and pretend to be surprised.
Bad practical jokes on guys with guns…
Pay attention, Earl, this is goin’ down as my very best practical joke ever!Now just picture it. All these troops will be looking left, see, watching for the president to arrive. So I’m gonna stretch a shin-high rope in front of their legs!Then, see, when they take a step forward with their UNLOADED rifles to present arms, they’ll all go stumbling and sprawling! They’ll be SO pissed-off!Get outta here, Earl, here comes the president now!What? Their guns ARE loaded? Fully-automatic, huh? Magnum what?
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A soldier lines up a rope for guard of honor members before Hungary’s President Laszlo Solyom arrives for a two day long official visit in Brdo, Slovenia, October 8, 2009. REUTERS/Srdjan Zivulovic
Space: the final novelty shop?
Okay comrades, it was partly my idea to send a billionaire Canadian jokester into space to make us a few extra rubles. Now, just two days into the flight, I admit it was a horrible mistake.
It was bad enough when Guy Laliberte put on a red clown nose with his space suit, and it got worse when he made us stop the countdown at six seconds, screaming, “I need to do number two!”
Then he put itching powder in the crew’s space suits, and rubber vomit on the control panel. He keeps unlocking the hatch, saying, “I’m goin’ out for Chinese, who wants some?”
The last straw was today’s gag, putting helium in the shuttle’s oxygen supply so everyone sounded like Alvin and the Chipmunks. That’s just too much!
But the joke is on him. We have quite a surprise for Laliberte on his first space walk.
Bye-bye, Canadian Guy! His check to us DID clear already, right, comrades?
I’m thinking now about doing it all with frequent flyer miles… Hello, United, do you go to the International Space Station?
Models, we’re havin’ a Wingding!
Okay, fashion show staff, I wanna know who played this little joke, and I wanna know now!
You know what I’m talking about. One of you printed up some “books” with that Microsoft Wingdings font, and told the models there would be a “test” after the show!
So naturally, the models ignored their jobs and spent all their time trying to “study” this gibberish!
You think that’s funny, Lonnie? We had models forgetting to flounce, strut, prance, sashay….
For God’s sake, some of them didn’t even remember to POUT! You think anybody is gonna buy our creations if they don’t see pouting?
And I didn’t mention the cruelest part. Some of the girls are already buying “cheat sheets” for the “test.” I hope you’re real proud of yourself!
When you listen to a book on tape, you don’t actually have to read along. I had assumed that was common knowledge for Peter James fans.
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Resident Oddly Enough blog Expert
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I’d love to Malt, but it’s kind of a visual gag…