Blog Guy, I just read a great Travel and Leisure magazine article titled “Top Travel Websites of 2009,” and do you KNOW what I found?

Yes. My blog is mentioned there, and by the magazine’s Executive Editor, no less.

Well Bob, don’t get me wrong, and congratulations, but… What would happen if people planned a vacation using YOUR blog?

My lawyer says they would have a pretty good legal case against me. But if you think about it, I have a TRAVEL tag, and offer a veritable cesspool of useful travel information you won’t find anywhere else.

I’ve exposed the so-called gyrocopter, bad budget airlines in Tibet and other cheap flight plans. I’ve written about the most important travel concern of all, foreign toilets.

I’ve tipped off readers to spots they might never know about, like the statue to enemas, the penis museum of Iceland, Zebra Land, the “other” Taj Mahal, travel packages to Hannibal Lecter’s hometown….

Heck, I’ve even warned you about the Hell on Earth list.

For foodies, I’ve covered bull’s penis and testicles in Bolivia, the blood soup bistro in Vietnam, South Korean shrimp cracker snacks, and that little place where the head chef makes, well, heads…

Since it seems to be an important factor for lots of my readers, I’ve even offered lists of travel spots where they’re sure not to run into ME, like the You Must be Joking tourist site and the Don’t Wait for me out on the Ledge destination…

And for anyone who STILL doubts my contribution to contemporary travel, five words: Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop!

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Obscure headline reference: 1950s TV show “Have Gun Will Travel“

Photos: Bikinis on an Australian beach, the gyrocopter, and riding in Hefei…

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Hi, Blog Guy, it’s me! That aspiring photojournalist you’ve been mentoring. I’m back!

Oh good. And after I shaved my head and pierced my lip so you wouldn’t recognize me. What now?

Well, I’ve been reading a lot about the need for transparency in journalism, and I’m wondering how that applies to my work as a photographer?

Mainly it means you should shoot a lot of photos through glass. Window washers are a demographic we’re going after in a big way.

Is there really an audience for this stuff?

Sure. It must be huge, judging from the number of window-cleaning-through-glass shots on our photo file.

I hate to get pushy this early in my career, but I don’t think I want to shoot this sort of material. What’s a polite way to tell my editor?

Just say, “I don’t do windows.”

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Top combo: A worker cleans the glass roof of a tunnel linking a building to a subway station in Chongqing municipality, China, October 28, 2009. REUTERS/Stringer

A worker cleans the window of an office building in Taiyuan, Shanxi province, China, October 25, 2009. REUTERS/Stringer

Lower combo: Assorted window-washing shots, REUTERS photos

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Blog Guy, help me out here. Is there one person who is for sure the stupidest human being on the face of the earth? You can take some time to answer if you like.

I don’t need time. It’s the guy in our story today, who mooned railway staffers who were in a departing train.

Well, that does sound stupid I guess, but lots of people moon other people.

True, but they don’t get their trousers caught in a door on the train and wind up being dragged half naked along the platform and come close to getting killed.

Blog Guy, I know how you think. Sure, that’s very stupid, and sure, it’s pretty funny, but is there something ELSE going on here?

Okay, you got me. The guy was a JOURNALISM student. Like he’s not going to have enough problems making it in this business anyway, without getting his bare-butt dragged by moving vehicles?

If you were a newspaper editor and you saw that on his résumé, would you hire him?

Not if we were someplace where he’d have to commute to work, I wouldn’t.

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Top: A streaker in Sydney in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Will Burgess

Bottom, so to speak: Shipyard workers from Spain’s Izar public shipbuilding company show their backsides during a protest over threatened job losses in Gijon, Spain, in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Eloy Alonso

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Please don’t let me be the only one who thinks this is ironic.

I’m reading financial stories this week, and suddenly I see this headline: “Credit limits, self-discipline threaten holiday sales.” Did I wander onto The Onion site?

I swear I’m not making this up. Damn you, self-discipline! Damn you, credit limits!

Like I guess nobody recalls 2009, when four billion Americans lost their homes, and you needed major clout just to get to the front of the long lines to declare bankruptcy.

Still, if this is the Orwellian logic we’re using now, I’m ready to play:

• “Narcotics enforcement, rehab programs threaten crack sales.”
• “Humane education, shelter adoptions threaten puppy mills”
• “Better nutrition, exercise threaten obesity reality shows”

Hey, this is kind of fun! Let’s see. Journalistic legwork, smart digging threaten shallow blogs…

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Above: Man wearing Santa Claus suit enjoys a meal outside a church during ‘The Festival of Homeless People’ in Berlin in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Tobias Schwarz

Left: Cast member Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy pose during a photocall to promote movie “A Christmas Carol” at the Cannes Film Festival, May 18, 2009. REUTERS/ Jean-Paul Pelissier

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Dammit Johnson, you call yourself a NEWS photographer? I assign you to get a weather shot showing how blue the sky is today, and you come back with some lady blocking part of the view! What’s your problem?

Sorry, Boss, but she’s the Chancellor! She stuck her face in and I couldn’t get rid of her. I got as little of her as possible. There’s not even a hint that her face has a left side.

Not good enough, Johnson! Get more assertive, or next time you may come back with a photo where the ENTIRE face of a world leader is visible. Who wants to see that?

It won’t happen again, Boss. Is there anything we can do with this shot?

Yes, I’m an expert photo editor, and I’ve cropped a version we can use. Have a look. This is the kind of work I expect from you.

Wow, you saved my ass again! Thanks, Boss!

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Angela Merkel, German Chancellor and leader of the conservative Christian Democratic Union party addresses a news conference in Berlin, September 28, 2009. REUTERS/Wolfgang Rattay

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Blog Guy, as someone who is interested in government, I’m wondering if you can find me a photo of President Barack Obama and his whole cabinet together.

Heck, I can find you an OFFICIAL one! Here is an OFFICIAL photo of Obama, Vice President Joe Biden and the whole cabinet, taken just a few days ago.

What’s the difference? I mean, what’s official about it?

Well, an UNOFFICIAL one might have some bogus characters in it, like Dick Van Dyke or Urkel or Archie and Veronica, but this one is guaranteed to be the OFFICIAL deal.

Wow! What’s it cost to produce a thing like that?

A lot. There are 23 people in the shot. Say it took an hour to shoot and they make at least DC minimum wage of $8.25 an hour, that’s $189.75, plus the photographer, and the processing down at the Rite Aid.

I think you’re looking at $240 of your tax money here, but that’s a small price to pay for something official.

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Above: President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden pose with the full Cabinet for an official group photo in the East Room of the White House on Sept. 10, 2009. White House Photo/Chuck Kennedy

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In the past, I have solemnly vowed to my readers that they will never learn anything from this blog, and that though they search the entire blogosphere, they will never find anything less relevant.

So imagine my embarrassment now that bloggers are writing about whether President Barack Obama called that jackass Kanye West a jackass.

What can I possibly do to match that? I got nothin’ less relevant. I don’t know which is most disturbing:

• That anybody might think West ISN’T a jackass
• That the president would have time to form an opinion on this
• That Obama is the only person on earth whose Jackass List is off-the-record

Wait! I’ve got it! I will be the only blogger NOT to include links to the VMA clip, the audio of Obama saying “jackass,” the screen-grab of the Twitter message, the video of Obama killing that fly, the audio of Obama mentioning PETA…

I have now invented Linkless Irrelevance, and the world will thank me for it. Okay, what the heck, here’s the jackass audio…

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Recording artist Kanye West drinks from a liquor bottle at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards in New York, September 13, 2009. REUTERS/Eric Thayer

West takes the microphone from best female video winner Taylor Swift as he praises the video entry from Beyonce at the awards. REUTERS/Gary Hershorn

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I have trouble figuring out why some things are news. Readers know I’m confused about why we keep shooting identical photos of Madonna and her car in dozens of cities, as though we’ve never seen it before.

Then there’s this French so-called “daredevil” who climbs skyscrapers all over the world. Today he climbed a Petronas tower in Malaysia and was taken into police custody, which usually happens. Then, a couple of weeks later, he’s at it again, scaling a building somewhere else, only to wind up in custody again.

Why can’t this guy - let’s call him “Irritating Jackass” - be put on a list to keep him out of countries where he plans to break the law? Can’t they permanently attach a 200-pound weight to his ankle, or use crop-dusters to spray a sheen of grease on their tallest spires?

And I don’t understand why we have more than 300 photos, countless stories and video reports on his exploits, as if each one is news.

I propose a moratorium on coverage of this boor. No more photos, video or stories until the day we can work the words “Irritating Jackass” and “splat” into the headline. Now THAT, I would cover!

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Above: French climber known as “Spiderman” stands on the tip of the Malaysia’s landmark Petronas Twin Towers after scaling it in Kuala Lumpur, September 1, 2009. REUTERS/Zainal Abd Halim

Right: Pedestrians pause on the sidewalk to watch as French climber climbs the Italia building in downtown Sao Paulo in a 2008 file photo. The climber successfully scaled the building on his second attempt in a week, after being arrested by police on Sunday while he began to climb. REUTERS/Rickey Rogers

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Blog Guy, how can I get Reuters to take my picture? I imagine I’d have to do something VERY newsworthy.

Not really. All you have to do is put on silly outfits and go from city to city like that butthead British actor whose name I’m not going to mention. We’ll take your picture everywhere you go and put out 46 pictures in two weeks, and it probably isn’t over yet.

I had no idea it was that easy! Hey, I recognize that guy - doesn’t he have a new movie out?

I wouldn’t know about that.

So wait a minute. You’re saying every time he goes to a new place, to promote the very same thing over and over, you cover it like news? But surely at some point some editor says, “Sorry, we’ve already shot that dude in London and Madrid and Berlin and Amsterdam, and that’s enough.”

You don’t get around much, do you, slick?

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Above: British actor Sacha Baron Cohen (C), dressed as a bull, poses during the Spanish premiere of his new movie, outside Madrid’s Las Ventas bull ring, June 18, 2009. REUTERS/Juan Medina

Right: REUTERS photos of Cohen in assorted other places.

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It’s me, Blog Guy, the aspiring photojournalist you’ve been mentoring. Congratulate me, I just shot my first presidential event, and here’s my shot! What do you think?

Um, it’s pretty much in focus, I’ll say that for it.

And?

Good use of depth-of-field. I like those lights in the background.

Thanks. What else? Don’t be afraid to be critical.

Well, I was just wondering, did  you shoot from the same angle as the other photographers?

Funny you should ask. I barely saw them - they were standing across the room, in FRONT of the President, which seemed funny to me. I bet they got nothing but crap.

No doubt. You just keep doing what you’re doing. Someday this photo could be on the front of the Obama $1,000 bill. Or on the back of it, at least.

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President Barack Obama discusses fatherhood and mentoring at an event in the East Room of the White House, June 19, 2009. REUTERS/ Larry Downing

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