Oddly Enough Blog

Where’s your Science and Pie section?

Hey Blog Guy, I saw a picture of President Obama browsing in a Washington, DC bookstore. That’s pretty cool, isn’t it, that the president is such a devoted reader?

Oh please…

Huh? I thought we would be on the same page about this, so to speak.

Yes, of course reading is a very good thing. But let’s not kid ourselves. Obama was at my neighborhood bookshop, Kramerbooks.

So?

Want something that’s bad for you, Mr. President?

Hi there, waitress, we’re the Corkery family, and we’ll be having your family-style breakfast special, where the whole family eats for for $22.95. I’ll have the…

Excuse me, Mr. Obama, I know who you are. You’re gonna have to go ahead and pay for your own breakfast…

Obama? Hah! I’m Floyd Corkery, but I do hear that a lot. People seem to think I look a little like the president.

So, waitress, the rest of my family will all have the egg-white asparagus omelets, and I’ll have El Gordo, the cheese-covered breakfast burrito, with the beer batter fries and barbecue sauce, and on the side, some maple…

Mr. Corkery, will you be ordering anything for those gentlemen over there in the black suits with the sunglasses and guns?

Nah, they’re good. But look, if a muscular lady who looks like my wife walks in here, then this kid in the green shirt is the one having the burrito, you undertand?

Bag? What bag, Baby?

Hi Michelle, Sweetie, it’s me! I’m calling on my new iPhone, from Los Angeles. Where are you?

Oh, hey, Barack, you caught me just finishing a speech at a grocery here in Chicago.

I’m in the produce section, surrounded by apples and oranges and pears. You remember, we’re making that big push to see that city residents have access to fresh, nutritious foods.

Oh, right! Good luck with that, Michelle.

Barack, are you chewing on something? Are those fried chicken wings?

Fried chicken wings? OF COURSE NOT, Michelle! How could you even THINK I would do that, especially while you’re busy promoting healthy eating!

Roscoe’s House of WHAT, Mr. President?

Hey Blog Guy, a couple of days ago you illustrated your piece on high-cholesterol foods with a lot of photos of President Barack Obama with junk food, and you said, “If I want to know what foods I should avoid…I’ll just follow the presidential motorcade.” You were just joking, right?

Maybe, maybe not. That item ran on Monday, so let’s see where the Obama motorcade would have taken us on that very day.

Oops, here we are at Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles, in Los Angeles.

Uh-oh. That can’t be good.

Yeah, let’s just say when Obama is on the road, you seldom find him stopping at Slappy’s House of Cauliflower and Tofu.

But gosh, nutritional information about healthful food is readily available. Do you think Obama is getting the message?

All aboard for the Lipitor City Express!

Readers of this blog know I have little patience with “stories” that not only state the obvious, but find it necessary to deliver the information in list form, for folks who are intimidated by paragraphs.

Hot on the heels of “8 Foods to Banish from your Diet” I have stumbled upon another time-waster, headlined “10 High-Cholesterol Foods to Avoid.”

SPOILER ALERT: Three of the 10 have the word “fried” in their names, and two more have the word “cheese.”

That’s right, it turns out fried chicken, fried eggs and French fries are not actually health foods. Nor are cheeseburgers or macaroni and cheese.

Hang on to your hats, because “although chicken is usually considered to be a good low-fat meat choice, how you cook it can make a big difference.”

No way!

The food is greasy, but your hair is great!

Blog Guy, I need some advice on home entertaining, and I know you’re an expert. Can you help me with some nagging problems?

Sure, what can I do for you?

Well, we have some friends coming to dinner soon, but it falls on the same day of the month that I wash my hair! I can’t figure a way out of this one.

It’s a dilemma, that’s for sure, but I suggest you go for the new Panasonic hair washing robot, seen here being demonstrated on a mannequin.

This way, you can have the robot wash your hair, leaving you free to prepare a gourmet dinner for your guests. Problem solved?

Er, I was just going to zip over to a fast food drive-through to pick up the meal. You think the hair-washing robot comes in a mobile version?

You want fries with that museum?

Honey, I have a surprise! An entire museum of fries! Let’s order a malted, And everything salted, Then leave, before anyone dies!

Blog Guy, I read your item about the Ramen Museum in Japan, which sounds kind of boring. Are there any really great food-themed museums?

Well, everybody knows about our own Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop, here in Washington, DC.

Sure, I’ve been there lots of times. What else?

There’s the Frietmuseum, in Belgium. The place is dedicated entirely to research and information on French fries.

Seriously? An actual French fry museum? Isn’t that kind of risky in this health-conscious era?

Throw it! What are you waiting for?

Mr. Blog Guy, let me say we appreciate you cooperating with this Senate investigation into journalistic practices. I know you’re a busy blogger.

Anything I can do to help Senator. I’m happy to testify.

Now, during your years as a wire service reporter, can you give us an idea what your daily expenses were like? Remember, you are under oath.

Sure. On average, I’d spend maybe $2,000 a day on private detectives, $1,400 to buy info from the cops, $800 on rumors from sleazy street criminals and $4.60 for Utz Potato Chips and Hostess Twinkies from the vending machine in our snack room.

So if my math is correct, that’s more than $4,000 a day, is that your testimony Mr. Blog Guy?

Nah, I’m just jerking your chain. I didn’t pay for anything like that, except the junk food.

So there isn’t a Toaster Pastry Diet?

Okay, we already know there are a lot of really stupid people out there, but it may be time to recalibrate my measuring scale.

I just clicked on an item headlined “8 Foods to Banish from your Diet,” expecting it would offer some surprise foods that have more calories than most people think.

The first item on their list? Stick margarine. And there I was, snacking on a big old stick of trans fats clutched in my oily hand.

So that explains why I’m gaining weight, and also why my computer keyboard is pretty gross.

I mean really? Does this come as news to anybody?

It gets worse. This article then goes on to warn us about sodas, movie-theater popcorn, hot dogs, deep-dish pizza and whole milk. Well crap, that’s pretty much my entire grocery list, right there.

Big trouble when the chips are down?

Oh Dear Lord, tell me this isn’t happening!

I just wanted to watch some tennis, so I called the boss on our busiest day of the year and said I was sick with projectile vomiting, impacted wisdom teeth, temporary insanity and a fever of 106…

Then I got to my seat, and who’s right in front of me? The fricking PRIME MINISTER!

I KNOW the news photographers are here. Please Lord, don’t let him do anything newsworthy!

Oh NO, he’s eating salt and vinegar potato chips!  Cramming them down his cakehole like he’s going to the electric chair!

Wait! Maybe nobody will use the picture. I mean, who cares about a politician stuffing his face with greasy, high-sodium junk food? Nobody!