Oddly Enough Blog

How many floozies live at this address?

Alert readers of  this blog will recall my complaints about the U.S. Census last year.

I wrote about their heavy-handed approach, their fixation that my single-family dwelling was actually housing countless lodgers, and their surprise visits looking for an Apartment 2 and Apartment 3 somewhere in my home.

Also, I wasn’t too crazy about the census question asking whether I spend some of my time living in prison instead of here. Shouldn’t the government already KNOW who lives in prison?

But let’s not dwell on that again until 2020. Instead, let’s look at how another country handles it. Hungary, for instance.

It turns out, in Hungary they don’t even WANT to visit every house, kicking in doors and looking for hidden apartments. No, they’re very happy if you’d just fill out the form online. And, to get your attention, they have created a provocative video commercial featuring a topless young woman in red underwear and lacy black stockings, holding a whip.

The woman opens the door to a census taker, who, realizing his timing is bad, offers her the option of completing the census online.

Reading in bed just got a lot better…

Okay Lamar, your memo said you’ve come up with a  totally new fashion concept in women’s apparel. I’m very excited, so show me what you’ve got.

Okay, Boss!  Presenting, ta-da, The Linger-Read!

The what?

It’s lingerie that you can read, Boss. So if you get bored with your partner, you can at least read what she’s wearing for entertainment.

Are you a total moron, Lamar? What guy gets BORED looking at a woman wearing lingerie?

It’ll be a real turn-on for smart guys, Boss. It’s like, “Wait here, Big Boy, I’m gonna slip into something more educational…”

The VERY WORST new retail trend?

There is a retail trend that seems to be spreading and we need to stamp it out now, before it gets out of control. I’m talking about a store that offers free stuff to people who show up to shop in their underwear. Here are several examples, including one from just last week.

So far, this strategy has been confined to just a few clothing stores, but that doesn’t mean it won’t catch on, and soon we’ll all be wearing nothing but underwear when we go shopping for anything. Who needs that?

“Earl, here’s the grocery list. Hey, hotshot, aren’t you forgetting something?”

“Oh crap, I’m wearing a shirt and trousers! What was I thinking? Here we go, I’m down to only my briefs now, sweetie. Thanks for spotting that.”

“Don’t forget to hit the drugstore for your hemorrhoid cream, Earl. And pick up some bleach. I guess I should try to get your underpants cleaner, now that everybody can see them.”

“I’ll say!  And remember we’re test driving new cars this afternoon.  I’m not looking forward to my sweaty back sticking to those hot leather seats!”

Finally, a job for you bikers…

Blog Guy, I’m hoping I can get some of your famous job-hunting advice. I’m a guy who likes to ride motorcycles.

Ah. Any other skills?

Absolutely none.

Well, normally I wouldn’t have much to offer someone with your, um, limited qualifications.

However, I just saw this photo, and the caption says these are bikers undressing models during a lingerie fashion show in Lebanon. Does that appeal to you?

Hmmmm. Lebanon is over there in Europe or someplace, right?

Welcome to Brassieres 101, ladies…

Okay ladies, thank you for coming to the Victoria’s Secret “bra launch” today. We’re sure you will enjoy your new purchases.

You were wise to sign up for this class on how to wear a brassiere, a must for any young woman going out into the world.

OUCH! Who did that? Who flung this bra at me with the elastic? See, that’s not what “bra launch” means, ladies!

Let’s start by taking them out of the package, and… Miss, you in the blue dress? It’s going to go in the front, not the back…

I’m sorry, Ma’am, these are NOT earmuffs. No, they’re not surgical masks, either…

And we’ll throw in a free doctorate, too!

Lonnie, it’s me, the university president. Can you hear me?

Yeah Boss, I’m at the art gallery. A bunch of our students are here demonstrating against the tuition increase.

Big deal, Lonnie. They’re being peaceful, right?

Uh, yeah, but one of the women just took off her clothes, right down to her black bra and panties.

Really? Sounds kind of sexy, Lon.

Sure, maybe if you’ve been in prison for 20 years. It’s Hulga. Now she’s waving her arms in the air.

All you nutjobs, come up onstage now!

Blog Guy, if I’m not mistaken, the big annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was held last night. I come to your blog for all my shameless retail lingerie news, so what can you tell us about it?

You know, I got kind of bored with this one, but I can give you a few details.

I gather from seeing our photos that this year’s theme was “Great Acid Trips of the 1960s.”

That’s very interesting. Did they break any new ground?

Indeed. They experimented with letting guys get right up onstage. One model had to run a gauntlet of the criminally insane. It was the last we saw of that poor woman.

Then they released some lurching, frothing zombies on an unsuspecting singer, and in yet another bit a model had to carry a barbell while being heckled by some pasty dorks who were thrown out of Applebee’s for not wearing shirts.

There’s lingerie in Paraguay?

Blog Guy, isn’t it cool how Paraguay is hanging in there at the World Cup? How about some pictures of their loyal fans?

Fans? I think there’s just the one.

Only one fan? For the whole country?

Apparently. You know that woman I blogged about with the interesting docking station for her cell phone? We’ve now had ELEVEN photos of her.

Wow. I wonder if your photographer realizes he’s shooting the same person over and over?

I imagine he does. It turns out she’s a lingerie model.

New rice bra, more grains than brains?

Blog Guy, I know you have a background in agriculture. I’ve read that nations are running out of room to grow vital crops to feed their people. What is being done about this?

A very good question. Japan, for example, has begun to require women to grow rice in their brassieres.

Rice in brassieres? Is there a grain of truth in that?

Absolutely. Indeed, bra rice is very convenient when you’re cooking.

How so?

Well, say a recipe calls for two cups of rice…

Hmmmmm. It takes time to grow rice. What if I’m  just wearing a bra for a few minutes?

Why are these bikini models romping?

Quick quiz: These three perky Victoria’s Secret models are celebrating because…

a) It’s the 15th anniversary of the Victoria’s Secret swim catalog.

b) It’s the 50th anniversary of blowing air kisses for no apparent reason whatsoever.

c) It’s official! Romping is going to be a Summer Olympics sport!

d) Allessandra has reached a weight of 60 pounds, and is only two sizes below being a Size Zero.

e) They found out their hotel has ice machines on EVERY floor.