Blog Guy, I have a question about classic children’s literature.

Sure. I once interviewed Maurice Sendak. He was great! He told me his favorite children’s book was…

Who cares what he said? My kids love Paddington, that cute bear from “darkest Peru,” with his iconic brush hat. They wanna know what happened to his family.

It’s sad. Since his books made so much money, two women claimed to be his mother. Both go around in hats like his to exploit the resemblance.

Each mother claims she wrote the famous note, “Please look after this bear,” but they get the wording wrong.

One says she wrote, “Please look after this bear and if he gets rich, text me.”

That’s harsh. What did the other mother write?

“Please hit this bear on the head with a ball-peen hammer.”

Ouch. That’s even worse!

It’s okay. With all his money Paddington got to be adopted by J.K. Rowling. He goes around now with his little suitcase filled with gold ingots and gourmet marmalade sandwiches. Not a bad life for a little bear.

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Paddington Bear publicity photo

Models present creations from the Guillen Doz collection at a Barcelona fashion show, September 3, 2009. REUTERS photos by Albert Gea

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Happy Father’s Day, Blog Guy! What’s the thing that makes you think most about fathers and sons on this special day? Baseball? Fishing?

Television. Especially classic TV, when Dad came home from the office in a suit and kept it on until bedtime, and maybe didn’t even take it off then. To me, nothing says father like a scripted dad getting paid to love his pretend kids.

This week, there was an event reuniting make-believe good TV dads and former child actors. But it ignored the more interesting bad dads, like Tony Soprano, Archie Bunker, Homer Simpson…

And there’s Bryan Cranston, a mediocre father in “Malcolm in the Middle” and now, in “Breaking Bad,” a dad who makes and sells major supplies of crystal meth. Gee Dad, you’re the greatest!

Don’t you think Tony Soprano was the worst-ever TV dad?

Are you kidding me? I guess you don’t watch “The Tudors.” Tony Soprano was a regular Andy Griffith compared with Henry VIII.

“Daddy, I’m leaving the castle to go Christmas shopping for mommy!”

Oh Elizabeth, I wouldn’t worry too much about that, heh heh heh!”

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Above: Actor Dick Van Dyke (L) of “The Dick Van Dyke Show” poses with his TV son, actor Larry Mathews, as they arrive for “A Father’s Day Salute to TV Dads”  hosted by the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences in Los Angeles,  June 18, 2009.

Left: (Rear L-R) Actors Bill Paxton from “Big Love,” Jon Cryer from “Two and a Half Men,” Patrick Duffy from “Dallas” and “Step by Step,” Stephen Collins from “7th Heaven,” Reginald VelJohnson from “Family Matters” and (front L-R) Dick Van Patten from “Eight is Enough,” Dick Van Dyke from “The Dick Van Dyke Show” and Michael Gross from “Family Ties.” REUTERS photos by Fred Prouser

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I guess every couple in love wants to be Romeo and Juliet. To refresh your memory, Juliet was a 13-year-old girl who couldn’t marry her boyfriend, so she takes a potion that makes her seem dead, then he finds her and takes poison, and when she wakes up and sees his body she stabs herself to death.

What young love bugs wouldn’t want a relationship like that?

Now modern lovers can have the ultimate romantic thrill, getting married on the balcony in the 13th century mansion thought to be the home of the Capulets of Shakespeare’s tragedy, ‘West Side Story.’

This is big stuff for incurable romantics. If it’s a success, there’s no end to the mawkishly tragic romantic shrines of pop culture that can offer the same deal.

“Honey, have you thought about where we should hold the wedding? I want someplace really romantic!

“I’m thinking like that air strip in ‘Casablanca.’ Or the cave in ‘The English Patient.’ Or you know, that Moscow tram from ‘Dr. Zhivago.”’

“Well wait, sweetie, don’t forget that covered bridge in Madison County… Or the Titanic. Is that still around?”

Video clip of the wedding

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Luca Ceccarelli kisses his wife Irene Lanforti after getting married at Casa di Giulietta in Verona, Italy, June 1, 2009. Casa di Giulietta, or Juliet’s House, is a museum dedicated to Shakespeare’s “Romeo & Juliet” play. REUTERS/Alessandro Garofalo

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From Switzerland comes news that a Hong Kong tycoon who bought a flawless blue diamond for a record $9.5 million has now named it the “Star of Josephine.”

I’m not sure why this is important. Naming jewelry is no big deal. For years, my wife has been naming the tokens of affection I’ve given her on romantic occasions.

It started with her engagement ring, an admittedly very modest ruby which she christened the Dinky Pinky.

Soon, the Dinkster was joined by a diamond named Mr. Chips, followed by a pearl she calls, well, Poor Pitiful Pearl.

These adornments now share space in her jewelry box alongside El Shrimpo, Mr. Measly and Li’l Sapphire. Last Christmas, they were joined by Pretty Boy Flawed. So take that, Josephine!

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Model displays the diamond during an auction preview in Geneva May 6, 2009. It was found in 2008 and weighs 7.03 carats. The buyer will have the honor of naming the diamond as the first owner of the stone. REUTERS/Denis Balibouse

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Blog Guy, I’m planning a June wedding and I’d like it to have a sophisticated feel. Are there any foreign wedding customs we might want to use?

Well, in Romania the brides all go sit out on the curb and smoke a butt together on the big day.

Ewwww. Why do they do that?

I don’t know for sure, but I think it’s because more and more churches in Romania are becoming no-smoking.

Also, I believe there were some unpleasant accidents when brides tried smoking during the ceremony while they were veiled.

I think this is more of your crap. How do you know they’re sitting on a curb?

You’ve got me there. They could just be two very short brides. Yeah, that’s it. Watch for my upcoming Wikipedia piece, “The two-foot-tall Women of Romania.”

That’s better. I have to keep you honest.

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Women in wedding gowns smoke cigarettes under the shade during the “Bride Parade” in Bucharest May 17, 2009. The event gathered future and former brides under the slogan of, “Be a bride for one more day”. REUTERS/Radu Sigheti

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Every so often an idea comes along that is so awful it makes me wonder why there isn’t a “Bad Idea Hall of Fame” or maybe a “Bad Idea Olympics.”

Meet the “marriage hunting” bra, unveiled today in Tokyo.

It features a digital marriage countdown clock and, being a bra, it is worn around the midriff. I’m not making this up.

Gleefully, I imagine what happens when some potential husband out on a date thinks he’s getting to second base. Fumbling in the darkness he runs across the digital countdown readout and other circuitry, and…

The drama potential here is just too indescribably delicious.

“Honey, will you be my wife? That’s wonderful! Let’s head to the airport right now, so we can fly off to meet my family!”

Video report on the bra

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A model displays lingerie maker Triumph International’s new “Konkatsu Bra”, literally meaning “marriage hunting” bra, during an unveiling in Tokyo May 13, 2009. The bra features a marriage countdown clock showing the marriage deadline set by the wearer and when an engagement ring is inserted between the cups the melody of “The Wedding March” is played to celebrate the engagement. The characters on the bra read, “now hunting for a husband”.
REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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So now they’re selling a diamond and gold-leaf “carat cake” as a $2,500 gift for guys to give when they propose marriage. I see disaster ahead.

“Honey, we’ve been dating for two years, and I have something to ask you…

“Here, have some of this very special cake while I’m talking. Go ahead, dig in.

“You know, I love you deeply, and I want… Ooooh, I guess your tooth fillings are reacting to those gold leaves, like chewing on a piece of Reynolds Wrap. Sorry.

“Anyway, we’re so happy, and… Sweetie, your gums are bleeding. See, those things are real diamonds, not Jujubes. Looks like you’ve cracked your front tooth…

“I didn’t think you’d cram all that gold in your mouth. You look like a fricking Colombian drug lord!

“You know, when you chew with your mouth open like that, the blood just sprays out. The diamonds must have cut a mouth artery or something… What was I saying? Never mind. It wasn’t important…”

Businessman Angelito Araneta Jr. shows a chocolate cake topped with 15 African diamonds and covered with 24-carat gold leaves, which he plans to sell at $2,558 to men for use as a marriage proposal gift. REUTERS/ Romeo Ranoco

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“Honey, should I wear my red dress tonight, or my…”

“Yes…”

There you have it. An actual conversation that proves men like red stuff on women. And yet, Reuters reports on a new study that spent $40 million to see if red was more of a turn-on for men than, say, dark brown.

That figure is just a rough guess, you understand, since I have no idea what it really cost.

But if somebody IS still funding studies to prove the bleeding obvious, I want a piece of that.

I’d like to find out if guys prefer…

• stiletto heels and ankle straps, or rubber flip-flops
• blondes, or chicks with brown hair and flecks of dandruff falling out
• creamy smooth skin, or a lot of big ripe zits
• women who want expensive jewelry, or women who think gems are “icky”

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Top: REUTERS/Brendan McDermid

Below left: REUTERS/Eirc Gaillard

Below right: REUTERS/Alexander Natruski

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Congratulations, it’s your wedding day!

Sure, as the groom, you may have cold feet, it’s only natural. Like maybe you’re afraid to take the plunge because oh, let’s just say for instance you remembered you’re already married to someone else.

So on the morning of the wedding you go talk reasonably to your bride-to-be, or her parents, or your clergyman, right?

Or maybe, like the brilliant, take-charge groom in our story, you just set your hotel on fire so there can’t be a wedding…

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Above: A couple holds their wedding ceremony inside an ice chapel earlier this year in Japan. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

Below: A bride in traditional Japanese wedding attire poses for photos with her groom in Japan earlier this year. REUTERS/Toru Hanai

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Blog Guy, my dream is to be a book cover model for Harlequin historical romances. But if you have to bring your own wardrobe, I don’t know where to get the right stuff. Can you help?

Sure. I know about this because my sister does the same thing. She modeled for the covers of such historical romance classics as “Taming of the Pioneer Wagon Girl,” “Donner Party Seductress” and “Harlot at the OK Corral.”

One good place to go for historical romance cover outfits is fashion shows in Ukraine, as you can see by this creation below. You will soon find it on the cover of “The Sweaty Buccaneer’s Veiled Temptress.”

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Above: Book cover, “The Wanton Bride”

Below: A model displays a creation by Ukrainian designer Andre Tan during fashion week in Kiev October 17, 2008. REUTERS/Gleb Garanich

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