Blog Guy, I know you like to stop being obnoxious every so often and show a soft side, with cute animal pictures and stuff like that. How about doing something nice for Mothers Day, so I can e-mail it to my mom instead of buying a card?

Well, maybe just this once. In fact, I tucked away this wonderful photo back in March, with exactly this occasion in mind. But don’t worry, the Express Train to Hell will stop here bright and early on Monday, as usual.

More cute animal babies and moms

A newborn baby orangutan rests in the arms of its mother Mona at the zoo in Aalborg March 18, 2008. REUTERS/Scanpix/Henning Bagger

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 ”You aren’t too smart. I like that in a man…”
- great line from the movie “Body Heat”

There has never been a better time to be a show off. Just last week I posted an item about a new magazine called Snob. And now, here we are with a special online dating service just for really, really  smart people.

All you have to do to qualify is go to intelligentpeople.com - nothing pretentious about that, is there? You have to take this test that proves whether you’re worthy to see the names of other people who passed it. 

The next thing that happens, you get a personalized message just like I got.

I think the message comes from this woman who started the service, who sent us a black and white picture of herself to use with our story.

Hey lady, I’m studying up for my last chance to pass your test. But you know what? I already know about color photos!

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Hey blog guy, I’m planning my wedding for June, and I’m on a tight budget. I know you’ve been a professional event planner. Can you give me some money-saving some tips?

Sure. Here are four ideas that really work… 

 1) Print your own invitations. It’s cheaper, plus you can put the wrong address on some and the wrong date on others, cutting the reception crowd in half. 

2) Serve itty-bitty food. As the photos show, teeny burgers are chic and  elegant. You can feed 200 guests on two pounds of ground beef. Fill up the rest of the plate with festive parsley.

3) Serve colorful drinks, like red Two-Buck Chuck, in rented dribble glasses.  When guests start staining, they’ll stop drinking. Many will leave.  

4) For reception entertainment, live music is passé. Three words: cheap tattoo artist.

More money-saving wedding tips: Thanks for coming, now go…

Miniature burgers are seen at a wedding show in New York April 2, 2008.  REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson.

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Here in America, we have a saying, “pulling a fast one.” Let me try to give an example.

Okay. Say some French dudes gather 100 people together to set a record for a human chain of French kissing, and then start going at it.

A record? A hundred lousy people? Have they never been to a semi-rowdy junior high party?

“The French kiss has to be the new symbol of happiness and freedom,” explains one of the guys on our video report. Well, maybe English just isn’t his native tongue, pardon the pun, but I believe that just translates to “We don’t have enough money to go on a date, but we’ve heard people will do anything if they believe it’s for a world record.”

Related post: Honey, let’s just skip right to second base

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After recently breaking huge stories about remakes of “The Birds” and “The Great Escape,” this blog has more Hollywood news. It turns out they’ve done a cheap remake of the 1984 Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah mermaid hit, “Splash.”

There are worrisome questions about whether the costume designer was wise to cover the female star from chin to floor. As the publicity photo below shows, she looks more like one of those big sea lions than Hannah’s sexy, playful mermaid.

Frankly, in the scene I watched, it took the new mermaid a painful 24 minutes to belly-flop her way from low tide to the beach. By then, Tom Hanks had called in a tip to the Gorton’s Fisherman Hotline (”Earn cash for finding fish“) and gone off for drinks with Meg Ryan. We all know how that will end up.

More movie news: Sound of Music sequel: Nun With A Gun!

(Above: movie poster)

Model shows a creation by Russian designer Natasha Glazkova during Moscow Fashion Week March 24, 2008. REUTERS/Alexander Natruskin

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Some day, when I’m awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight.

You’re lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight…

“The Way You Look Tonight”
by Jerome Kern and Dorothy Fields

A model displays a creation from “h.NAOTO” collection by Japanese designer Naoto Hirooka at Japan Fashion Week in Tokyo March 14, 2008. REUTERS/Kiyoshi Ota

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This guy decides to ask his girlfriend to marry him, so how does he do it?

• He gives her a $12,000 ring at home, with a cozy fire in the fireplace and a bottle of champagne chilling?
• He gives her a $12,000 ring at their favorite restaurant, over a perfect creme brulee?
• He puts a $12,000 ring in a helium balloon and takes it outside to hand it to her on a windy day?

Maybe you see where this is going. The balloon was last spotted drifting high over London.

Cripes! I’m surprised he didn’t suck in some of that helium himself and propose in a high squeaky voice! In our story, he says he feels like “such a plonker.” I’m not sure what that means, but it sounds about right.

Children release balloons in 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Michael Dalder

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All I get are nice surprises,
As I gaze into your eyeses,
If my counting is correct,
You’ve twice the number I’d expect

I have made a big decision,
To love a gal with extra vision
Tender words to you I speak,
Will you be my Valen-freak?

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A model displays an outfit created by designer Antonio Alvarado during the Pasarela Cibeles Autumn/Winter 08-09 fashion week in Madrid February 14, 2008. REUTERS/Andrea Comas

Jennifer Cannon married her Prince Charmin yesterday, and the couple started their new life together on a roll. They were wed in the Charmin Restrooms in New York’s romantic Times Square, and Jennifer wore a dress made from seven rolls of toilet paper. 

They seem to have gone overboard with that old superstition that on her big special day, a bride should wear “Something old, something new, something borrowed and something poo.” 

Naturally you get the connection between toilet paper and marriage? Well no, honestly I don’t, either. Anyway, I figure everything went fine until guests started spritzing the bride with champagne… 

Here is the slideshow:

Jennifer Cannon and Doy Nichols dance after exchanging vows at the Charmin Restrooms, a free public restroom facility in Times Square,  December  19, 2007. REUTERS/Ray Stubblebine

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This dude wrote a book about picking up women. He says he was named “world’s greatest pickup artist” for three years. I never won that title, and didn’t even know there was a contest. But the thing is, this expert’s advice just sounds funny.

Take rule number one: When you walk into a room look like you are having fun and don’t look around for attractive women. Now, if you see a guy walk in by himself looking like he’s “having fun,” you’re probably going to wonder what he’s on, and why he isn’t looking for attractive women like the other guys are, right?

Rule number two: Have a simple question to ask people, like who sings a certain song, so you can move around the room easily. This cracks me up. When women learn this guy is asking who sang Funkytown, over and over, they’re gonna think he has attention deficit disorder, which may not make him a chick-magnet.

The expert says even if a guy is really obese, he should just spray on a tan and put on jewelry, and he’ll get women. Right. They’ll be, like, “Who’s that rotund guy with jaundice, and why is his man-jewelry so oily-looking?” Here’s our story, by Belinda Goldsmith:

photo REUTERS/handout

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