Blog Guy, I was supposed to be married, but my fiancé stood me up at the altar and took off with my best friend. What can I do to express my anger?

Fortunately, you no longer need to suffer in silence when you’re “jilt to the hilt,” thanks to a fashion creation called the Veil of Tears.

For $99.99 you can get a effigy of your fiancé or the chick who lured him away, and a handy clip to attach it to your actual unused wedding veil.  For instance, the woman in this fashion photo apparently lost her boyfriend to Lucille Ball.

Now, everywhere you go, folks will get the message about your fiancé and the trash queen that stole him away. Or, for only $499.99, get the deluxe model, which comes with colorful pins and a genuine voodoo curse! Batteries not included.

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A model presents a creation of Geova Rodriguez designer Spring 2009 collection during New York Fashion Week, September 6, 2008. REUTERS/Kena Betancur

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From Nigeria, a story about this guy with 86 wives. Not surprisingly, he’s having some legal problems.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should say I have financial interests in Nigeria. I’m helping a certain prince move large sums of cash and gold out of that country, thanks to a lucky e-mail opportunity. I expect to be very rich, very soon.

Anyway, local chiefs and Muslim leaders threatened to force the polygamist to leave the area unless he divorced all but FOUR of his wives, which after all is three more wives than he would be allowed in a lot of places. But now, a court has given him a reprieve until it decides whether he can be banished.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the husband says he isn’t planning any divorces, and intends to marry even MORE wives! That sounds like one wacky place, and I’ll be very relieved when my cash is safely out of there!

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Different country, lots of wives: Three of King Mswati’s 13 wives arrive for the traditional Reed Dance at the royal palace in Swaziland August 31, 2008. Sub-Saharan Africa’s last absolute monarch was expected to choose his 14th wife. REUTERS/Siphiwe Sibeko

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Folks, we got a wedding to plan! Who’s giving away the bride? The proud father?

No, Salvatore’s in prison.

How about the bride’s Uncle Leoluca or her brother Gianni?

Prison.

Um, her brother Giuseppe?

Prison. No, wait! I think Giuseppe got out! HE can give her away!

Welcome to the tribulations of planning a wedding in Sicily for the daughter of a former “boss of bosses.” And it only gets worse.

Now, what town are they getting married in?

Corleone.

Corleone? You’re freakin’ kidding me, right? Why don’t you just shoot me now?

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Lucia Riina, daughter of the most feared Sicilian Mafia boss Salvatore “Toto” Riina, marries Vincenzo Bellomo in Corleone, Sicily, July 23, 2008. REUTERS/Stringer

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Daddy, your little girl has big news! I’ve met Mr. Right, and after a whirlwind romance, we got married!

Ming is already in show business, sort of, but he plans to be either a TV news anchor or maybe a dermatologist. 

Now Daddy, I want you to keep an open mind about one little thing, because I know how you can be. So I’m just going to be up-front about his only imperfection, okay?

Well, here goes. Ming smokes. Whew! I feel better already!

More about  tattoos

Tattoo enthusiast Liu Ming smokes while taking a break from a tattoo session at a shop in Beijing July 10, 2008.  REUTERS/Claro Cortes IV

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Well Mom, at long last, meet Patty - my sweet bride! Oh, I think Patty likes you, Mom! She doesn’t usually smile that much. Patty is too shy to tell you herself, but see those white doves in her hair? She shot them herself!

The flour make-up was her idea. She says it will cut the chances anybody will recognize her from our wedding photos.

I mean, sure, Patty has paid her debt to society. But you know Mom, it’s just like she always says, “If they want to find a body in your backyard bad enough, they’ll find it!”

Just think, Mom, in an hour, she’ll be family!

Bridal fashion slideshow:

A model presents a creation from Victorio & Lucchino collection at Barcelona Bridal Week fashion show May 28, 2008. REUTERS/Albert Gea

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Blog Guy, I know you like to stop being obnoxious every so often and show a soft side, with cute animal pictures and stuff like that. How about doing something nice for Mothers Day, so I can e-mail it to my mom instead of buying a card?

Well, maybe just this once. In fact, I tucked away this wonderful photo back in March, with exactly this occasion in mind. But don’t worry, the Express Train to Hell will stop here bright and early on Monday, as usual.

More cute animal babies and moms

A newborn baby orangutan rests in the arms of its mother Mona at the zoo in Aalborg March 18, 2008. REUTERS/Scanpix/Henning Bagger

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 ”You aren’t too smart. I like that in a man…”
- great line from the movie “Body Heat”

There has never been a better time to be a show off. Just last week I posted an item about a new magazine called Snob. And now, here we are with a special online dating service just for really, really  smart people.

All you have to do to qualify is go to intelligentpeople.com - nothing pretentious about that, is there? You have to take this test that proves whether you’re worthy to see the names of other people who passed it. 

The next thing that happens, you get a personalized message just like I got.

I think the message comes from this woman who started the service, who sent us a black and white picture of herself to use with our story.

Hey lady, I’m studying up for my last chance to pass your test. But you know what? I already know about color photos!

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Hey blog guy, I’m planning my wedding for June, and I’m on a tight budget. I know you’ve been a professional event planner. Can you give me some money-saving some tips?

Sure. Here are four ideas that really work… 

 1) Print your own invitations. It’s cheaper, plus you can put the wrong address on some and the wrong date on others, cutting the reception crowd in half. 

2) Serve itty-bitty food. As the photos show, teeny burgers are chic and  elegant. You can feed 200 guests on two pounds of ground beef. Fill up the rest of the plate with festive parsley.

3) Serve colorful drinks, like red Two-Buck Chuck, in rented dribble glasses.  When guests start staining, they’ll stop drinking. Many will leave.  

4) For reception entertainment, live music is passé. Three words: cheap tattoo artist.

More money-saving wedding tips: Thanks for coming, now go…

Miniature burgers are seen at a wedding show in New York April 2, 2008.  REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson.

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Here in America, we have a saying, “pulling a fast one.” Let me try to give an example.

Okay. Say some French dudes gather 100 people together to set a record for a human chain of French kissing, and then start going at it.

A record? A hundred lousy people? Have they never been to a semi-rowdy junior high party?

“The French kiss has to be the new symbol of happiness and freedom,” explains one of the guys on our video report. Well, maybe English just isn’t his native tongue, pardon the pun, but I believe that just translates to “We don’t have enough money to go on a date, but we’ve heard people will do anything if they believe it’s for a world record.”

Related post: Honey, let’s just skip right to second base

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After recently breaking huge stories about remakes of “The Birds” and “The Great Escape,” this blog has more Hollywood news. It turns out they’ve done a cheap remake of the 1984 Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah mermaid hit, “Splash.”

There are worrisome questions about whether the costume designer was wise to cover the female star from chin to floor. As the publicity photo below shows, she looks more like one of those big sea lions than Hannah’s sexy, playful mermaid.

Frankly, in the scene I watched, it took the new mermaid a painful 24 minutes to belly-flop her way from low tide to the beach. By then, Tom Hanks had called in a tip to the Gorton’s Fisherman Hotline (”Earn cash for finding fish“) and gone off for drinks with Meg Ryan. We all know how that will end up.

More movie news: Sound of Music sequel: Nun With A Gun!

(Above: movie poster)

Model shows a creation by Russian designer Natasha Glazkova during Moscow Fashion Week March 24, 2008. REUTERS/Alexander Natruskin

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