Let’s all try to picture how this is going to go down. This oxygen bar in Belgium is featuring helium for Valentine’s Day, so couples can inhale it and say “I love you” in a high squeaky voice. I want to be there when the first guy surprises his soul mate with that one.

“Honey, I have a special treat! We’re going down to the bar, to say ‘I love you’ like cartoon characters! No chocolates this year, no red roses, no lingerie. But we get to sound like Alvin the Chipmunk when we exchange those three little words!”

“Oh, is that right, Mr. Romance? Well, good news…I may be able to trim my message down to two words, and save you some gas!” Emma Davis reports:

http://blogs.reuters.com/category/themes  /oddly-enough/

A vendor in a chocolate shop holds up Belgian praline boxes made for Valentine’s Day in Brussels February 13, 2007. REUTERS/Yves Herman

If you go looking for romance online, there’s always a chance the person you choose may be a dangerous criminal, guilty of Lord-knows-what heinous crimes.

Why take that risk, when now you can go to www.hotprisonpals.com and remove all doubt?

That’s right. this Website offers personal ads from some of America’s most desirable felons, currently residing behind bars. And while you may not know exactly what they did to get there, the release dates in their biographies could offer some clues. For instance, a prisoner in Florida wants someone who writes “sensual erotic letters,” and lists his release date as November, 2050, when he will be about 90. He probably isn’t in there for parking violations.

As the guy who runs the site explains, the prisoners aren’t required to list their crimes. “We take everybody. If they are murderers or rapists they are not going to put that in the ad,” he says. Rosalind Russell reports:

A cell in the Secure Housing Unit of Pelican Bay State Prison in Crescent City, California in a 2005 photo. REUTERS/Adam Tanner

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
And so are these pills
That I’m getting for you

I guess because not enough men are already taking the prescription drug Viagra, a drugstore chain in Britain is about to start selling the blue impotence pills over the counter, and they’ve chosen Valentine’s Day to begin.

Here’s the possible rub. The pills are expensive - nearly $25 each - so many men may end up having to choose between spending their Valentine’s Day money on red roses, or blue pills. I know where I think the lines are going to be. Here’s the story:

Couples kiss at the annual Lovapalooza Valentine celebration in Manila February 11, 2007. Organisers said  6,124 couples kissed at midnight in an attempt to get into the record books for Most Couples Kissing Simultaneously. REUTERS/Darren Whiteside

Signs of the coming apocalpyse are increasing. For those keeping track, we recently had a Mr. Potato Head that needed security guards, and then there was the whole O.J. Simpson If I Did It book and TV show thing.

Now, from Amsterdam, comes news of a new reality show: a dating program for the visibly disfigured. A broadcaster is recruiting candidates for its Love at Second Sight show, due to be launched next month. ”Do you have a visible serious handicap and are you looking for a partner?” says an appeal on the Web site.

Understandably, this Grand Guignol sort of offering is attracting some criticism. The broadcaster’s spin is that the show will be “a platform for people with such problems to share experiences and feelings in a positive way…”

Ah, right. And what was the original title of the show, by the way? Uh, well, it was initially going to be called Monster Love. 
 

Actress Hilary Duff hugs the movie character Shrek during her visit to the Universal Studios Orlando Resort, Florida, in 2005. REUTERS/Sheri Lowen 

Shooting is underway on the long-awaited  sequel to the 1984 Tom Hanks movie “Splash,” about a man who fell in love with a mermaid.  Sadly, the original stars are not returning to the low-budget Hungarian-made sequel, and insiders don’t expect it to have the lustre of  the original.

Wait, maybe that’s not what is going on here, but our actual caption doesn’t offer many clues as to why this guy is romancing seafood. Feel free to send us imaginative captions of your own via Post a Comment.

A man kisses a carp after it was caught at lake Retimajor, west of  Budapest, December 13, 2006.  REUTERS/Laszlo Balogh 

This bridal outfit, shown yesterday at a fashion show, is more practical than it looks. Brides like to keep their wedding dress forever, and that means a large cardboard box goes with you every time you move, year after year, until you die.  By contrast, this ”gown” fits in a handy ziplock sandwich bag, where it can stay until you want to wear it to renew your vows 50 years from now.   

A model presents a bridal outfit of Passion du Brasil collection during Bucharest Fashion Week in Bucharest November 27, 2006. REUTERS/Bogdan Cristel

If this catches on, the hot new pickup line could be “You gonna eat that pickle?”

Tired of looking for Miss or Mister Right over drinks or dinner? There is a new option. In the UK, a new dating site pairs off people working near each other, over lunch.

The guy who set up the site wants to export it to New York and Chicago, and says using the work-based approach to finding romance bridges the chasm between speed dating and normal dating.

Still to be resolved: Is it reasonable to expect a good-night kiss at 1 p.m. after a first date under the McDonald’s arches?  Here’s the story by Paul Majendie:                 Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 

Workers leave a London office building in an undated file photo. REUTERS/Ian Waldie
 

These people are at Germany’s Oktoberfest, which our caption calls ”the world’s biggest folk festival.”  Now there’s a wonderful euphemism. Hey, Billy, will your parents let you bring that chick with all the staples in her lip over to my place on Saturday so we can get hammered? What? They only let you go to folk festivals? No problem!

People gesture as they drink in an Oktoberfest tent in Munich September 20, 2006. The Oktoberfest, the world’s biggest folk festival, runs from September 16 till October 3, 2006.  REUTERS/Michaela Rehle

“The only thing your eyes haven’t told me is your name…” They must have told me your IQ, or I wouldn’t be using lines like these… 

The fabled pick-up line.  The single sentence that will melt a woman’s heart.  Now, a publisher has printed the so-called top ten such lines, in several languages, so if they don’t work in English you can try in Czech, German, and so on, until the woman falls off her barstool with wine spritzer spewing from her nose.

The lines are also offered in Italian and French, because the publisher says they are “the same no matter what language you are speaking.” Yeah, that explains why French and Italian guys always seem to need so much help.

By the way, that ”…only thing your eyes haven’t told me…” line is only number ten, and obviously it wouldn’t pick up road kill.  The book’s number one line is so truly, truly awful, you could go blind just reading it. This blog isn’t responsible if you go past this point:  

File photo

You put your right hand in,
You put your right hand out,
You put your right hand in,
And you shake it all about

The conservative magazine “National Review” has published a list of “The 50 greatest conservative rock songs.”  Surprisingly, “The Hokey Pokey” isn’t on it, despite mentioning the right a number of times — see the lyrics above.  I guess the problem is it mentions the left, too.

Anyway, the list is filled with songs that I used to just think of as great music, without getting the conservative connection at all. The Review attempts to explain what qualifies the songs for its list but doesn’t always succeed. “Sweet Home Alabama” is there because it is a tribute to the South — apparently that is something only conservatives appreciate. And “Stand By Your Man” is there because Hillary Clinton made negative comments about it. Oh, okay.

Here is the full list: 

Stand By Your Man….” Country singer George Jones, (R) pictured with the late Tammy Wynette at the Country Music Association Awards in Nashville on October 4, 1995, FILE PHOTO