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Virginia Labrador as a contestant in the Miss Sevilla pageant, poses during a presentation in the Andalusian capital of Seville, Spain, November 17, 2009. REUTERS/Marcelo del Pozo

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November 20th, 2009

He must be quite a guy…

Posted by: Robert Basler

You all know me, I’m not a judgmental kind of guy. But on some rare occasions I DO form strong opinions, and gosh darn it, if I’m not careful I’m afraid I’ll go after somebody with this pickle fork I’m holding.

What do I see on our photo file? Levi Johnston at TWO glitzy Los Angeles galas in one evening, including the GQ magazine “Men of the Year” party.

In one of the photos, he’s shown with his “bodyguard.” I am not making this up.

I won’t bother telling you who this guy is - if you’ve been awake at some point over the past 18 months you already know - but cripes! Men of the year? Levi Johnston?

I can only presume, then, that former presidential candidate John Edwards, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, Lenny and Squiggy and Ratso Rizzo, all equally deserving, were not available?

Hey look, Levi, you ever seen a pickle fork? Say, what time does your bodyguard go home?

Combo, clockwise: Levi Johnston (R), who fathered a child with Bristol Palin, daughter of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin,is escorted by his bodyguard at US Weekly party in West Hollywood, November 18, 2009. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

Former candidate John Edwards in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Jeff HAYNES

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford wipes his eyes as he speaks to the media and admits to an extramarital affair, in Columbia, South Carolina, June 24, 2009. REUTERS/Erik Campos

Lenny and Squiggy, “Laverne and Shirley” publicity shot

Lower right: Levi Johnston at the 14th annual GQ magazine “Men of the Year” party in Los Angeles, November 18, 2009. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

Lower left: Ratso Rizzo, “Midnight Cowboy” publicity shot

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November 18th, 2009

What’s your outfit, soldier?

Posted by: Robert Basler

Blog Guy, I know you’re always making fun of bizarre fashion show outfits, but they can’t ALL be that bad. Is it fair for you to only show a designer’s strangest creations?

I guess you’re right. A few days ago I got a lot of traffic, and comments, on a post showing a creation by Pakistani designer Tayyab Bombal, which featured a model wearing only shoes and trousers.

I heard from the designer himself, who thanked me for showing his design and shared some of his other stuff with me.

As you can see in this combo shot above, Tayyab doesn’t ONLY create men’s clothes for The Shirtless Look.

For instance, there’s also the Red Vest and No Shirt Look. Close your eyes and picture Art Carney on “The Honeymooners.” “Hey there, Ralphie boy!”

Then there is this OTHER thing, sort of a half-shirt with straps. Tayyab tells me it’s supposed to represent the hardships of the Pakistani Army in war zones.

Now, that makes perfect sense to me. If I wore that thing in a war zone - or heck, even to buy a Big Gulp down at my neighborhood 7-Eleven - I guess I’d expect hardships as well.

Bottom: A model takes to the catwalk wearing a creation by Pakistani designer Tayyab Bombal during Fashion Pakistan Week in Karachi on November 7, 2009. REUTERS/Adrees Latif

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November 13th, 2009

Honey, will you marry me?

Posted by: Robert Basler

Okay fashion staff, welcome to the future. This is our first test of a bold and radical new process for designing women’s clothing.

As you know, we fed tons of raw data about MEN into a massive new software program, and told the computer to design the perfect creation to appeal to the largest possible number of males.

We fed in detailed data on age, income, location, politics, religion, marital status, hobbies, personal values - you name it - and then punched the big red “CREATE” button.

After three crashes and reboots, here’s the first thing the computer gave us: a trashy-looking floozy with a cheap bleach job, wearing a short dress with several hundred beer bottles hanging from it.

YES! The rest is history - we’ve pre-sold 20 million of these dresses through this blog, and we haven’t even started making them yet! Is life great, or what?

Lamar, how are you coming with the prototype of that second item, the Swiss Cheese and Lunch Meat Blouse?

A model presents a creation by Portuguese designer Vitor during the Lisbon Fashion Week in Cascais October 10, 2009. Reuters/Hugo Correia

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November 9th, 2009

One more crack out of you…

Posted by: Robert Basler

First, I want to thank all you doctors for coming to this Humiliation Committee meeting to discuss our problem today. I know it’s a Thursday, so you should be enjoying a four-day weekend, as usual.

But it has come to our attention that the good old-fashioned butt check - and you all know what that involves - just doesn’t seem as demeaning and degrading as it used to.

I don’t know, maybe the lubricant got too good and it’s over too quickly. Maybe guys are just getting used to it. Heck, maybe we’re making it too much fun.

Anyway, what the committee has come up with is, we’re now going to have a nurse take PHOTOS of the procedure, just to turn up the mortification a notch or two.

What? Herb, that’s a BRILLIANT improvement! Yes, we COULD shoot video of it and post it on YouTube!

So we’ll start next week. Hah! These poor saps don’t know DEMEANING of the word Humiliation yet! Get it? Demeaning? I swear, I should be doing stand-up!

Tweat yourself to this blog on Twitter at rbasler

A man goes through a medical examination for the People’s Liberation Army in Hefei, Anhui province, November 1, 2009. REUTERS/Stringer

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November 2nd, 2009

Can I hold that for ya, Miss?

Posted by: Robert Basler

Blog Guy, I really need some dating advice. I’m an attractive young woman but I’m very shy, and when I meet a new man for the first time I just don’t know what to say. Help!

This is a very common problem. Some women find it useful to be holding something in their hand when they first meet a new guy, to help get the conversation started.

You know, something the guy will have to comment on. Do you have anything like that?

Yes! I love my picture of Lenin!

Okay, yes I guess a wallet-size photo of a former Beatle could be a conversation starter.

No, not Lennon! This is Vladimir Lenin. The Communist guy. It is a very nice portrait. I bet you’re right, any young man would admire it!

That’s not exactly what I had in mind. Now, you take this photo on the left, of a fashion model holding something…

I see. And you think that would help me start conversations with men?

Yes. Trust me, even if they are recently deceased.

Above: A model holds a portrait of Vladimir Lenin, founder of the Soviet state, while presenting a creation by Kazakhstan designer Saltanat Baymukhamedova during Kazakhstan Fashion Week in Almaty, October 31, 2009.

Below: A model presents a creation by Baymukhamedova in Almaty, October 30, 2009.

REUTERS/photos by Shamil Zhumatov

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October 5th, 2009

Stick it to da man?

Posted by: Robert Basler

Blog Guy, I recall you’ve been a professional fencing coach?

I don’t like to boast, but I do know quite a bit about those long pointy things.

Well so, what’s the most important thing to understand about fencing?

Timing.

Timing? You mean when to parry, when to thrust?

No, I mean the right time to jubilantly throw your arms up in victory celebration.

For instance, as these photos from the World Fencing Championships seem to show, the wrong time is when your opponent is three feet away from you and pissed-off and still has his long pointy thing.

Note: No fencers were harmed in making this blog post

Above: Italy’s Andrea Baldini (L) celebrates after defeating Italy’s Andrea Cassara in the men’s individual foil quarter-final fencing event at the World Fencing Championship in Antalya, southern Turkey October 3, 2009.

Below: Poland’s Radoslaw Glonek lies on the ground after he was defeated by Germany’s Peter Joppich.

REUTERS photos by Murad Sezer

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September 16th, 2009

Just call him a fencing foil…

Posted by: Robert Basler

Quick quiz: In these photos, President Barack Obama is…

a) illustrating how his new death panels will work.

b) abruptly ending a promising political career.

c) pretending to be Luke Skywalker, like every other guy on earth.

d) about to provoke the Secret Service marksmen on the White House roof.

Actually, the best thing about these lawn fencing photos is first lady Michelle Obama’s expression. It’s perfect….

“Oh dear God, who gave a toy sword to that fool? Honey, come over here, I need to talk to you for a minute about dinner! It’s IMPORTANT, sweetie-pie!”

President Barack Obama uses a plastic saber to stab U.S. fencer Tim Morehouse during an Olympic Games event on the South Lawn of the White House in Washington, September 16, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Larry Downing

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September 15th, 2009

Lookit the Nasdaqs on that chick!

Posted by: Robert Basler

If you’re like most guys, hearing about the global financial meltdown makes you think about naked chicks. Then again, if you’re like most guys, hearing about tapioca pudding make you think about pretty much the same thing.

From my Department of Bad Taste, a famous cabaret in Paris offers a number called “Crisis,” where women lose their shirts, and nearly everything else, in the market plunge.

The place is Crazy Horse. Not Crazy Horse the warrior who taught Custer a lesson, but the other one, which teaches bumpkin tourists a lesson.

“Honey, we’re finished! Our worst fears have come true. Our life savings are gone. But we are here in Paris, so let’s scrape up our last few dollars and go someplace where we can take our minds off of the financial situation. Oh look, this Crazy Horse place might be a relief…”

Dancers perform in “Crisis” during the press presentation of the new revue at the Crazy Horse in Paris, September 14, 2009. REUTERS/ Philippe Wojazer

Sex and the City Slideshow

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September 5th, 2009

Scarlet hussies save men’s souls?

Posted by: Robert Basler

Blog Guy, you know where you can find really loose chicks?

Uh, no.

New York City. Yeah, it surprised me, too, but lots of those women in stiletto heels smoking outside office buildings aren’t as prim and proper as you might suspect.

That sure surprises me, but why are you bringing this up?

Because amid this wanton cesspool of harlots and floozies and doxies, I met two angels yesterday.

As I understand it, they were actresses working on a show about religious groups trying to lure bad men and convert them, called “Sects and the City.”

Here, I’m sending you some photos I took with my phone.

That’s real interesting, hayseed. Now don’t bother me again until you have Kim Cattrall saving somebody’s soul.

Actresses Sarah Jessica Parker (L) and Cynthia Nixon filming the upcoming movie “Sex and the City 2″ in New York, September 4, 2009. REUTERS photos by Lucas Jackson