Pay attention, Earl, this is goin’ down as my very best practical joke ever!

Now just picture it. All these troops will be looking left, see, watching for the president to arrive. So I’m gonna stretch a shin-high rope in front of their legs!

Then, see, when they take a step forward with their UNLOADED rifles to present arms, they’ll all go stumbling and sprawling! They’ll be SO pissed-off!

Get outta here, Earl, here comes the president now!

What? Their guns ARE loaded? Fully-automatic, huh? Magnum what?

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A soldier lines up a rope for guard of honor members before Hungary’s President Laszlo Solyom arrives for a two day long official visit in Brdo, Slovenia, October 8, 2009. REUTERS/Srdjan Zivulovic

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Blog Guy, I’m a career soldier in the U.S. military, but I gotta say I’m sick of following the so-called leaders they throw at us. Does every army in the world have the same kind of clowns running it?

I’m afraid so, as you can see from this weekend photo taken in Honduras.

Gosh, is that a regulation uniform?

Sure. I believe the three stripes on his sleeve mean he’s a sergeant, and the checkerboard trousers signify infantry.

Incredible! What do the really bright colors signify?

That he’s gonna be a much easier target than the normal dudes in the camouflage fatigues.

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A clown poses as soldiers look at him during a march in Tegucigalpa, September 26, 2009. REUTERS/ Oswaldo Rivas

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Blog Guy, I was intrigued by your recent item showing a student painted like a watermelon. Can you tell us more about the photo?

The U.S. intelligence community has ordered me to keep this one under wraps. It seems they intercepted it as part of this three-shot photo cypher - some kind of a coded message.

Wow. What if I think I can help?

The most powerful deciphering gizmos are working on breaking the code right now. If you think you’re smarter, send your solution to my blog.

Ooooh! Like a contest! I’m all over it! Is there a prize?

Sure. Send your personal information to deathpanels.gov, so a government team can thank you in person.

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A fine arts student, covered in body paint, waits to participate in a rock concert in Asuncion, September 21, 2009. REUTERS/Jorge Adorno

Paralysed collie Dusia walks in its wheelchair in Moscow in a 2003 file photo. REUTERS/Sergei Karpukhin

A New York City infant…

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Blog Guy, you’re known for your great career advice. I think I’d like something in the military - my girlfriend says I look GREAT in uniform!

Well, there’s plenty of military available these days.

Here’s the catch. I don’t fwant to be in any danger. Can you tell me the very, very, very safest military branch to join? It doesn’t have to be in the U.S.

Sure, that would be the Bolivian Navy.

Interesting. And why is that so safe?

Bolivia is a land-locked country. It does share Lake Titicaca with Peru, but when is the last time you read a reference to the bloody “Battle of Titicaca?”

Heh-heh-heh… Titicaca is a funny word….

Uh, yeah. Here’s a photo of Bolivian sailors. I’m sending you an enlistment form.

Hey, that’s real nice lighting on that photo!

Thanks, I’ll pass that along!

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Sailors from the Bolivian navy wait in a biometric registry center of the Bolivian electoral court, as part of the process to register themselves as voters, in Bolivia, September 18, 2009. REUTERS/ David Mercado

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Blog Guy, I read about a vocational training program for Afghan citizens. It sounds so strange I don’t even want to repeat it here…

I suspect you mean the Kabul-Capades, an ice skating extravaganza the U.S. is putting together so Afghanis will have real jobs after the war. As you can see, the basics of a good routine are being taught even before they put on skates.

How many new Afghan ice spectaculars does the U.S. think the world needs?

It isn’t JUST ice skating, silly! There’s a bluegrass music troupe called the Tali-Banjos. And the likely loser in the recent Afghan election will tour as Abdullah Abdullah’s Juggler Jugglers….

Hmmm. That does sound good. Can I buy a season ticket to get me into ALL the shows?

Sure. It’s called the…

No! Wait!

Too late. It’s called the Khyber Pass…

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Left: Skaters perform in a 1998 file photo. REUTERS/Andy Clark

Right: A U.S Marine searches an Afghan man for weapons near the town of Khan Neshin in Rig district of Helmand province, September 8, 2009. REUTERS/ Goran Tomasevic

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It’s time to release this blog’s five most popular posts for August, and it underscores that every month I learn something new about my readers’ interests.

For instance, from the wildly popular item illustrated by this photo on the left, I learned that readers of this blog are very curious about special warfare in South Korea.

Who on earth would ever have guessed that?

Almost as baffling, it turned out readers are also quite interested in the nation of Iceland, and especially in the welfare of that country’s contestant in the Miss Universe competition.

So anyway, starting tomorrow this blog will deal in nothing but detailed reports on Iceland and the South Korean military. Go wild, readers!

Meanwhile, these were the top five for last month:

5. And, the ice is free here!

4. Presenting the butt-naked diet!

3. What could go wrong with a vasectomy?

2. Another chick with huge mugs

And the post with the most traffic for August:

1. These guys are special forces, huh?

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Above: South Korean special warfare command soldiers exercise before they conduct a sea infiltration drill, August 5, 2009. REUTERS/Choi Bu-Seok

Below: Ingibjorg Egilsdottir, Miss Iceland 2009, poses on Paradise Island, The Bahamas, in this August 2, 2009 handout photo. REUTERS/Miss Universe Organization L.P.,LLLP/Handout

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Blog Guy, following up on your post about the motorcycle attack machine, may we turn to China’s army?

Intelligence sources have told me they are basically out of weapons, and are having to adopt radical strategies.

Your sources are very good. Indeed, there are about six bullets left in all of China, so military training classes have been overhauled.

For instance, in one course the recruits are shown a pirated copy of Edvard Munch’s famous work, “The Scream.” The idea is if they can irritate the enemy enough, they’ll just go home.

Awesome! What else?

Yet another new tactic is training infantry troops to bark like schnauzers at attackers, and go for their throats if necessary. For training, they use a life-size cutout of Michael Vick.

Interesting. It’s a shame they can’t get the real Vick.

Shush! Don’t say it out loud, or you’ll spoil my recent birthday wish!

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“The Scream,” by Edvard Munch.

People’s Liberation Army soldiers perform during rehearsal of a musical drama entitled, “The Road of Revival” at a gymnasium in Beijing, August 19, 2009. REUTERS/Kevin Zhao

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General, I’m proud to give you the first look at our new battlefield attack cycle! It carries five soldiers - three with assault weapons, a lookout on top, and a driver.

This is a rolling death machine that approaches speeds of four miles an hour, downhill. We can produce them for $240,000 each. I know that sounds high, General, but most of it goes to buy life insurance for the lookout guy.

Now, the three shooters are able to spray a bullet pattern of….

What, General? How does the driver see through all those billowing trousers to steer? Hmm. Uh, I guess we’ll need to work on that.

Well yes, General, I think it might work to have the shooters wear no pants of any kind, so the driver could kind of look around their bare butts to navigate…

That is a great idea, General, plus it solves another problem. Suddenly, the lookout no longer has the worst job on the motorcycle.

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Motorcyclists from the Kashmir Police perform during Independence Day celebrations in Srinagar, August 15,2009. REUTERS/ Danish Ismail

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Blog Guy, I just lost a bunch of money to a guy flipping coins, and I can’t figure out how he did it. He beat me every time!

Let me guess. Was he playing, “Heads I win, tails you lose?”

Yes! I can’t figure out what went wrong!

Well, this is not generally a good phrase to agree to in the world of wagering. As a helpful illustration, look at these two guys in the photos.

After an hour of gambling, the one who was saying “Heads I win, tails you lose” is blazing away with two machine guns, looking like Rambo and about to leave with several gorgeous chicks wearing stiletto heels.

He is standing on the other guy, whom we will call the loser. That dude has bricks broken around him, tire tracks on his face, and no shirt.

Yikes. Is that all that happened to the poor shirtless guy?

Nope. The hot shell casings from those guns have to be coming down somewhere, don’t they?

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A Russian soldier fires as he stands on the stomach of a comrade as they train for a military parade to mark Navy Day in Russia’s far eastern city of Vladivostok, July 24, 2009. REUTERS/Yuri Maltsev

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Blog Guy, I heard there has been a huge recall of military weapons because of a safety defect. What can you tell us about this?

It’s true. It turns out if you open that little thingy on the side and stick your forefinger in there and then let the bolt slam against it enough times, your finger will turn purple, as shown by the victim in this photo.

But if you don’t do that, your finger will be fine?

Sure.

I see. What’s the worst thing that happens if you do this to your finger? Is it fatal?

No! But if you’re in one of those places where a purple finger means you’ve already voted, then the guys that do this to themselves could be disenfranchised.

Uh-huh. That sounds like Darwinism working just as it should…

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A Kurdish Peshmerga soldier keeps his finger with indelible ink near the trigger of his weapon after voting during a regional parliament election at a polling station in Baghdad, July 23, 2009. REUTERS/ Mohammed Ameen

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