Blog Guy, I just lost a bunch of money to a guy flipping coins, and I can’t figure out how he did it. He beat me every time!

Let me guess. Was he playing, “Heads I win, tails you lose?”

Yes! I can’t figure out what went wrong!

Well, this is not generally a good phrase to agree to in the world of wagering. As a helpful illustration, look at these two guys in the photos.

After an hour of gambling, the one who was saying “Heads I win, tails you lose” is blazing away with two machine guns, looking like Rambo and about to leave with several gorgeous chicks wearing stiletto heels.

He is standing on the other guy, whom we will call the loser. That dude has bricks broken around him, tire tracks on his face, and no shirt.

Yikes. Is that all that happened to the poor shirtless guy?

Nope. The hot shell casings from those guns have to be coming down somewhere, don’t they?

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A Russian soldier fires as he stands on the stomach of a comrade as they train for a military parade to mark Navy Day in Russia’s far eastern city of Vladivostok, July 24, 2009. REUTERS/Yuri Maltsev

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Blog Guy, I heard there has been a huge recall of military weapons because of a safety defect. What can you tell us about this?

It’s true. It turns out if you open that little thingy on the side and stick your forefinger in there and then let the bolt slam against it enough times, your finger will turn purple, as shown by the victim in this photo.

But if you don’t do that, your finger will be fine?

Sure.

I see. What’s the worst thing that happens if you do this to your finger? Is it fatal?

No! But if you’re in one of those places where a purple finger means you’ve already voted, then the guys that do this to themselves could be disenfranchised.

Uh-huh. That sounds like Darwinism working just as it should…

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A Kurdish Peshmerga soldier keeps his finger with indelible ink near the trigger of his weapon after voting during a regional parliament election at a polling station in Baghdad, July 23, 2009. REUTERS/ Mohammed Ameen

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Blog Guy, have you noticed how hard it is to buy World War Two German uniforms these days?

Uh, yeah. I guess you could say führer and führer shops are selling them…

I don’t get it.

Never mind. If you’re in the market, head for the Romanian seaport of Constanta, where the mayor and his 13-year-old son goose-stepped onstage wearing German uniforms at a fashion show over the weekend.

Okay, thanks. How do I find the mayor once I get there?

Oh, I have to think he’ll kind of stand out.

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The mayor of Constanta, Romania, Radu Mazare (R) and his thirteen-year-old son goose-step while wearing World War Two German uniforms during a fashion show in the town July 18, 2009.  REUTERS/Stefan Ciocan

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Blog Guy, I see footage of the Secret Service guarding President Obama. It looks like a HUGE task. Has any country found a better way to protect its leaders?

A good question. Yes, of all places, Russia has. Their President, Dmitry Medvadev, protects himself.

Excuse me?

As you can see here, he takes an arsenal everyplace he goes. It seems to do the trick. He carries rifles, pistols, hand grenades, a flame-thrower, and has a Bowie knife clenched in his teeth, except when he’s giving a speech.

That’s positively amazing! What a cool guy!.That’s the kind of leader WE need. I’m running over to get that guy’s autograph!

Uh, I wouldn’t if I were you.

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Top: Russia’s President Dmitry Medvedev takes aim during a visit to the Rayevsky firing range in Novorossiisk in the Southern Federal District, July 14, 2009. REUTERS/ RIA Novosti/ Kremlin/Vladimir Rodionov

Left: Medvedev holds a Kalashnikov rifle in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Alexander Zemlianichenko/Pool

Left bottom: Medvedev takes aim while on his trip to Russia’s southern region of Dagestan June 9, 2009. REUTERS/RIA Novosti/Kremlin/ Mikhail Klimentyev

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Blog Guy, you seem to know quite a lot about how the military works in various countries, so I have a question.

I’ll do my best.

I was wondering how the paramilitary police carry watermelons in China.

I get that question a lot, and I believe this photo illustrates the technique they use.

Awesome, thanks! Uh, Blog Guy, what’s that other picture doing there?

Oh, I have a new widget on my blogging tool that automatically sorts similar photos and puts them together, to save me the trouble.

But…

Yeah, I guess it still has some bugs in it.

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A model presents a creation by designer Paraiso for Colombia’s brand Armonia in Cali, July 9, 2009. REUTERS /Jaime Saldarriaga

A Chinese paramilitary policeman carries melons as he walks past two fellow police officers in riot gear in Urumqi, July 13, 2009. REUTERS /David Gray

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Blog Guy, I see North Korea is shooting off more of those missiles. I’m worried. What can you tell me about them?

They don’t deal well with their goats.

Um, could you elaborate on that?

Just look at these pictures. A North Korean soldier kicking a goat. And they’re practically dragging them in the other photo.

Oh man, are you back on that goat jag again? I thought you had let that go.

I wish somebody would give that goat-kicker a dose of his own medicine. If I see that guy walking down my street, I’ll teach him about kicking.

But that’s just one soldier. He may be the only goat-kicker in North Korea.

No, if they put him within photo distance of the border, they think he’s exemplary. They must have a whole army of goat-kickers up there. Anybody got that guy’s cell phone number? Or his e-mail address? I’ll spam him senseless! Who’s with me?

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Above: A North Korean soldier kicks a goat on the bank of the Yalu River near the North Korean town of Sinuiju, July 5, 2009.

Right: A North Korean soldier pulls goats on the bank of the Yalu River near the North Korean town of Sinuiju, July 5, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Jacky Chen

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Blog Guy, you’ve given lots of career pointers, especially warning people about jobs to stay away from. If I’m not mistaken, your advice is free?

Yes, my advice is totally gratuitous.

That’s just how it  seems to your readers. Any new jobs to avoid?

Yeah. This one in the photo.

I see what you mean!  He’s jumping from a helicopter into the water!

You don’t understand. That’s the easy part. He’s called a “mine diver.” After jumping from the chopper he looks for mines and attaches explosives to them, meaning there isn’t one single aspect of this job that appeals to me.

Pay attention, recent grads. Any job title that includes the words “underwater mine,” “diver,” “explosive” or “German Navy” means you’re better off unemployed.

Thanks. I just graduated with an Art History major.

Ah. Then you should go for this mine diver thing, if it offers dental.

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Above: German Navy mine diver jumps into water from helicopter during media exercise of the underwater diving branch of the German Navy, in the Baltic Sea off the coast of Eckernfoerde, Germany, July 1, 2009.

Right: A mine diver attaches an explosive charge dummy on a sea mine during the exercise.

REUTERS photos by Morris Mac Matzen

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Blog Guy, a couple of months ago you said there were pockets of China that have little gravity. Do you have any more info on that?

Sure. Here are military training photos from Sichuan Province. These guys have bricks hanging on them at all times, even when they sleep, just to keep grounded.

I think you’re full of it. I’ve seen people walking around brickless in Sichuan without any problem.

I’m going to change my answer slightly. These guys are in a yo-yo club. Chinese yo-yos are…

No, they’re not yo-yos, Blog Guy…

This man suffers from sleep-walking, and the brick stops him from… Wait! These are prisoners in a Chinese chain gang?

That’s it! You’re a moron. I’m out of here.

Don’t go! These are Chinese lunchboxes. Hey Chen, I’ll trade you my Braunschweiger sandwich for your Hostess Cupcake….”

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Paramilitary policemen attend a training session at a military base in Suining, Sichuan province June 23, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

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Blog Guy, I read that Australia’s troops in Afghanistan are unhappy with their food. Apparently they don’t like the stuff that the Dutch-run mess hall is serving. Could Dutch food really be that bad?

No. The Dutch eat lots of great cheeses, and all kinds of chocolate and stuff.

That sounds yummy. Have you been to Australia? What do they eat there?

Yes, I have. They eat Vegemite, this dark brown food paste that they spread on everything.

Ewwww. What else do they eat there?

Things called witchetty-grubs, which are worms.

Hmmm. So it’s worms and icky veggie spread vs. Gouda cheese and Droste Cocoa? What are the Australians doing about it?

Our story says they’re rushing in a special team of Australian cooks. And, I would guess, planeloads of worms.

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Britain’s Prince Charles pretends to eat a witchetty-grub during a bush foods demonstration at the Desert Park in Alice Springs, Australia. REUTERS/David Gray

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Blog Guy, I know you study military preparedness around the world. How do U.S. troops compare in areas like marksmanship?

We’re far ahead of most countries … Look at some photos taken in the last couple of days.

On the right are some Belarussian troops. They’re  holding their rifles upside-down, and are in danger of some nasty bayonet-through-the-foot accidents. If you have to get into a war, do it with these guys.

Gosh, you’d think just from watching TV they’d know more than that!

Exactly. Now look at some Saudi soldiers, below. They are pointing their rifles straight up, but looking in a totally different direction.

I’m guessing they call this shooting technique “Saudi no-peekie duck-hunting,” and it certainly makes a frontal assault seem pretty tempting.

Amazing. But just to make sure I understand, your entire assessment of the strength and preparedness of these two armies is being made from glancing at a couple of photos?

Oh, like it’s the first time THAT’s ever happened!

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Above: Belarussian honor guards perform during a show  opening an international arms exhibition in Minsk May 19, 2009. REUTERS/ Vasily Fedosenko

Left: Graduating soldiers from the Saudi special forces’ anti-terror unit demonstrate their skills in Riyadh May 17, 2009. REUTERS/Fahad Shadeed

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