Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
When party smalltalk gets out of control
Blog Guy, I have a very specific fashion need and I hope you can help with it.
I go to a lot of very fancy affairs, but I have a tendency to say nasty things, and then other guests throw punches at me. What can I wear to protect myself at the holiday parties coming up?
Excuse me. Back up just a minute. You become SO offensive that upscale guests at festive Christmas parties want to punch you out? Is that what you’re saying?
Yes. I’ve never understood why they’re so sensitive, you stupid dumbass.
I think I’m starting to understand. Well, this season you’re in luck. Obnoxious women by the thousands have been flocking to a designer who makes this chic protective helmet called the “Holiday Punch Bowl.”
As you can see in these pictures, the headgear is stylish and alluring.
A post-Thanksgiving image booster
Blog Guy, I’m afraid I really pigged out yesterday at Thanksgiving, but I understand a few extra pounds are considered attractive these days.
Can you please find recent photos of some of the beautiful people who have let themselves go, so your readers can feel better about themselves after Turkey Day?
You betcha. Here at the top is a shot of Spain’s crown princess this week, and you can see her extra weight doesn’t seem to be slowing her down any.
Are you crazy, Blog Guy? She looks like a skeleton! They should be force-feeding her this very minute! Go back to your photo file and look again, and this time find a voluptuous, zaftig fashion model. Let’s see some curves!
Okay, here you go, a model from a recent Fashion Week in Madrid. Look at those gams, va-va-va-voom!
OMG! Put her in a wheelchair before her legs snap! I don’t… Oh, wait. I get it, Blog Guy. You’re a genius!
I’d have to give blessing with you on this. Which is not something I typically do! I love reading a post that will make people think. Also, thanks for allowing me to comment.
The worst fashions? Manure couture…
Blog Guy, I mainly come here for your coverage of really bad fashion. You do show us ALL the worst creations, right?
Of course I do. Except the stuff I need to protect my readers from, of course. But everything else gets…
Wait a second, Blog Guy. Nobody asked you to protect us.
We can take it, no matter how bad it is. We DEMAND to see the worst runway designs this year, and we want to see them now!
But I don’t think…
Don’t make me go to your boss, Blog Guy.
Great idea, BG. It’s a shame Portis is not more well known!
Think she’ll notice if we take her purse?
Lamar, where did you get the models for today’s fashion show?
From my psychiatrist. They’re all in therapy for various things, so they’re happy to have the work.
Therapy? Is it safe to have them here?
Oh sure, Boss, most of the ones with violent tendencies turned down the gig. My shrink says one of these chicks is being treated for narcolepsy.
You mean the excessive urge to sleep at inappropriate times, such as while at work, huh? I bet I can spot that one.
Lamar, the rest of the models aren’t even stopping to help her.
Perhaps you recognize my large chest?
So, pal, what do you do for a living?
What do I DO? I am FABIO!
Sorry, I don’t understand. What is that?
I am an actor and a model!
Oh! Have I seen you in anything?
Probably. I played the Handsome Man in “Scenes from a Mall,” the Blind Date in “Boogies Diner,” and I have done numerous cameos.
When I was in Florence a guy calling himself Fabio tried to pick me up – I mentioned it to a friend years later and apparently the same guy tried the same thing with her! He claimed to be related to “THE” Fabio – like we’re that stupid! Us Aussie girls don’t fall for lines like that so easily…
The Runway’s Got Talent!
It’s the same old story, Lamar. We’ve got a major fashion show today, but we can’t afford to pay professional models. You always manage to come through with models on the cheap. Any luck?
Don’t worry, Boss, I got us a good group today, and they’re free.
FREE? Huzzah! But how did you work that?
Oh. Well, they’re under the impression we’re having a reality TV talent show, so they each get to do a little “act” on the runway.
What? What the hell kind of “acts” do they do while modeling our designs, Lamar?
Uh, Tiffany will break out in a little tap dance. It’s very impressive to see in her stiletto heels, Boss.
Ahh… I can’t be on Facebook at work, that’s the problem. 
Get a grip, models!
Lamar, we’ve got another expensive fashion show to put on today, and our label is in the toilet. Have you found any more ways to save money? We just can’t afford a first class runway production.
Relax, Boss, I’m saving us a fortune.
Bless you, Lamar! How did you do it this time?
By not renting backstage dressing rooms for the models. You can’t imagine how much that saves!
Are they okay with that?
Well, they were a little concerned about their personal belongings, what with no lockers for storing their suitcases.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Igor, help me with the bags.
Igor: [Imitating Groucho Marx] Soitenly. You take the blonde, I’ll take the one in the turban.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I was talking about the luggage.
Sizzling hot fashions from a cold planet
Blog Guy, I have a complaint.
Like many of your readers, I mostly come here for news about fashion on the planet Neptune, but you haven’t had any since last February. Back then, you said fashion photos from the Hubble Telescope showed krunkwads were getting longer for the next season.
Now, what news on the Rialto?
Wait a minute, Ace. That Rialto thing is just a line from “The Merchant of Venice.”
So I don’t write all my own stuff. Big deal. I still need the latest fashion news from Neptune.
Third model, first picture – is that a Neptunian hourglass figure?
Where in the world is Paris Hilton?
Blog Guy, I’m worried sick! It’s been four days since we left Paris Hilton promoting her shoes in Istanbul, and we’ve heard nothing from her. I’m going to start checking the hospitals.
I’m sorry, I should have told your earlier. She’s fine, she’s just in India now, promoting her new line of handbags and accessories. Here she is, above, at a news conference.
Whew! That’s quite a relief. What with her being one of the 10 most hated people in America, I fear for her safety.
I guess maybe she’s going overseas a lot these days so folks in other countries can learn to feel the same about her.
Does she seem okay to you? Did she do all her poses? The vacuous smile, the peace sign, the peering over her sunglasses?
She sure did.
@Nosmo, “But these Giant Panda cubs, napping peacefully in their nursery, have a far more important role to play.”
Dude I got chills.
I can’t read this blog until those pictures of Paris Hilton recieve the proper application of the MS Paint rectangles. Those photos are much more damaging than beer babe cleavage.
Then, with flames licking at her heels…
Okay, Lamar, I put you in charge of designing our whole new line of women’s shoes, so show us what you came up with.
Here you go, Boss, behold the new Feet of Fire collection.
It’s everything the young professional woman needs. These flaming tail fins send the message, “Watch out, world, my feet are on fire and I’m stopping for nobody!”
Those things look like a 1959 Cadillac Eldorado, Lamar. And not in a good way.
The dorsal fins help stabilize a chick when she’s running for meetings, Boss, and the flames actually light up as she runs!
Why would you want that, Lamar?
*SPOILER WARNING*
Fast and Furious 6 will be featuring women in these shoes, both modding and driving the cars…
Classic Scenes:
Macho Guy: “You should stick that shoe to the passenger door. Would make a cool sticker.”
Lady in shoes: “Or, I could stick it up your and give you heartburn…”
Two guys, commenting on a lady driving whilst wearing these shoes.
Guy 1: “wooh, she’s burning rubber for good here…”
Guy 2: “…and by the looks of those shoes, she’s probably burning her throttle pedal as well…”
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Resident Oddly Enough blog Expert
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I am calling in all of the members of the OEB Extraction Team, including Shra, who is armed with her fabuluos Zapper!
We seem to have forced whoever was holding BG hostage to allow him to post again! However, it seems he is ending his career as The Funniest Blog Guy that ever existed!
Good job! Stand down, and have yourselves nice lives!
Commander UR