Blog Guy, you don’t know me… You never saw me, we never had this conversation. I know you help people with certain fashion needs find appropriate attire. I represent the 42 million people in the Witness Protection Program. When you’re disguised all the time, it’s not easy to look chic.

Wait a minute. There are 42 million of us?

Us? You’re in the program?  Hey, clever disguise, doing a blog that anybody in the world can read. Then you know we have parties, cruises, WPP discounts… So is anybody creating fashions for us?

You bet. Check out this stuff from a new collection unveiled in Paris a couple of days ago. It’s perfect! I bought six new outfits.

Fantastic! I’ll spread it around in our monthly newsletter! Hey, wait a minute, Blog Guy. I think I know you! Were you the dude who came with us on that trip to Belgium, and called yourself  Smitty? I remember that time you….

Shut UP! Thanks a lot. Now I have to start all over again.

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Models present creations by Israeli-American designer Alber Elbaz and Lucas Ossendrijver of the Netherlands for fashion house Lanvin as part of his men’s Spring-Summer 2010 fashion collection in Paris June 28, 2009.

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“Versace and Gucci…started their shows with men dressed in white or pale creams. Versace also showed comfort with unbuttoned tunics and safari-like jackets…”
– Reuters story from Milan Fashion Week

Blog Guy, I know you write a lot about haute couture. Where do the big designers get ideas for their creations?

I hate to boast, but sometimes they get them from me. For instance, here’s me with Donatella Versace at a recent dinner. She complimented me on my rented tuxedo and said, “Bob, what kind of crapola should I sell next season?”

“Donna,” I replied,  “you can’t go wrong with whites and pale creams, unbuttoned tunics and safari jackets.”

Then, as you can see here, she smiled that radiant smile of hers and said, “Bob, you’re a genius! Why didn’t I think of that my own self?”

The rest is history, if you read the coverage of Milan Fashion Week.

Blog Guy, is even one PATHETIC word of that story true?

Not really, no. I did tell her to go with elastic waistbands because lots of guys are putting on weight and can’t buckle their belts anymore, but she didn’t listen to me.

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Above: photo by Maggie Fox

Left: Models present creations as part of the Versace Spring/ Summer 2010 men’s collection during Milan Fashion Week June 21, 2009. REUTERS/ Alessandro Garofalo

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Come in and have a seat, Mr. Johnson, and thanks for your application to join our little company.

Let’s see, it says here your last position was in Somalia! Well, that’s quite a long ways away, I guess. Iowa, or someplace?

And what line of work were you in over there? Ah, shipping-related? Interesting.

Your application says you were a freebooter, marauder, plunderer, corsair, brigand, picaroon… Those are all shipping terms, huh? Guess I’ll have to look some of ‘em up.

Says here you’re familiar with a Cutlass. Great! I’m an Oldsmobile man, too.

Now, I should warn you Mr. Johnson, we require our salesmen to actually wear pants on the job, so, you know, don’t be showing up here in your underwear like that.

I think that’ll do it for now, but I’ll need some references at your previous employer. Uh-huh? Dead? ALL of ‘em? Well, I guess we’ll just have to trust you then…

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Model presents creation as part of the Vivienne Westwood Spring/Summer 2010 men’s collection during Milan Fashion Week June 21, 2009. REUTERS/Stefano Rellandini

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Blog Guy, you’ve helped all kinds of professions find high-fashion attire to suit their needs. Ventriloquists, police decoys, even Smurfs. Can you help my proud profession, bicycle messengers?

I see you cycle couriers all over downtown areas, zipping along, always a violent curse on your lips. Do you have a slogan, like that rain and sleet one the postmen have?

“Get out of my way or I’ll kill you.”

Yeah, that seems to fit perfectly. I think I can help you. Check these outfits from the Emporio Armani show in Milan.

“You touch my bike and I’ll stick this handlebar so far up…”

Hey, is that another one of your slogans?

No, I’m just sayin’ that to you personally…

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Above: A rider performs during Emporio Armani Spring/ Summer 2010 men’s collection during Milan Fashion Week, June 23, 2009.

Right: Models present creations…REUTERS/Stefano Rellandini

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Afternoon, Mr. Johnson, we’re the whippers you called for. You know, from Acme Whipping and Lawn Care.

You probably saw our ad in the Yellow Pages: “Acme, we can whip anybody!”

Dressed funny? Heck no, this is normal whipper attire for summertime. We do most of our work outdoors. Matter of fact, these are spanking-new duds we bought at the Milan Fashion Show, over there in Italy.

Zorro? Nah, that’s just Floyd in that black mask. He’s got some warrants out on him and it’s easier if he just hides his face.

So, whatcha got that needs whippin’, Mr. Johnson? Some adulterers? Horse thieves? Liberals?

Oh, I know what you’re wonderin’ about, Mr. Johnson. This long string dangling out of my shorts. It’s just my little joke. Go ahead, pull it. See what happens!

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Models present creations as part of the Vivienne Westwood Spring/Summer 2010 men’s collection during Milan Fashion Week June 21, 2009. REUTERS/Stefano Rellandini

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Fashion staff, this new push-up product of ours is going to turn the beauty business upside down!

Look at this pathetic Victoria’s Secret model showing off their push-up bra. Who needs that? Bosoms are SO last year. Just ask any guy.

Which is where our product comes in. Get ready for the age of the CLAVICLE! That’s right, collar bones ARE the new breasts!

See the hot model in the photo below? See how sensuous her clavicles look when they’re pushed up by our new miracle garment?

Now, for under $30, every woman in America can look like she’s had expensive Clavicle Enhancement Surgery, just like the movie stars have.

It’s a new ballgame, guys. Second base now starts at the neck!

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Above: Victoria’s Secret Angel Miranda Kerr introduces their new line of Dream Angel push up bras in New York April 7, 2009. REUTERS/Brendan McDermid

Left: A model presents a creation from Teca’s 2010 spring/summer collection during Fashion Rio Show in Rio de Janeiro June 7, 2009. REUTERS/Alex Carvalho

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Oh my God!

Ralphie, what’s wrong?

That chick coming this way. That’s my Internet date! I recognize her from her picture, and I think she’s really pissed!

No! Nobody uses their real picture online! What does she think YOU look like?

I may have sent her a shot of Hugh Jackman. What the hell am I going to say to her? What if the OTHER stuff she told me about herself is true, too?

Like what?

Like she’s a Supreme Imperial Goddess from another galaxy and she’s here to meet guys to see if her people will let us live! She says she has SUPERPOWERS! Do you think she does?

Are you out of your mind, Ralph? Look at her! How could she NOT have superpowers? You think maybe she’ll just kill YOU and spare the rest of us?

Hamana-hamana-hamana

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A model presents the latest collection by Larisa Katz of the Netherlands at a show during Bahrain Fashion Week in Manama, May 30, 2009. REUTERS/Hamad I Mohammed

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Herb, Lonnie, we need to talk.

See, when I invited you to meet me here at the beach to cruise for chicks, and I told you to wear hats because of the bright sun, well…

Let me put it this way. You see this baseball cap I’m wearing? Well, that’s okay. Or maybe a straw hat or some such.

But guys, I just don’t see a lot of hot babes flocking around dudes wearing hats like yours, except maybe to take snapshots with their phones and roll in the sand laughing until beer comes out of their nose.

What? Well, I don’t CARE if you bought the hats in the Dominican Republic. If that’s what the guys wear over there, the beach scene must be a lot different.

Okay guys, now, a word about your stiletto heels…

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Models display creations by Dominican designer Robert Flores during Republica Dominicana Fashion Week 2009 in Santo Domingo June 2, 2009. REUTERS/ Eduardo Munoz

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Great news for you chicks who want someone using razor-sharp scissors on your neck and head while balanced upside-down!

Meet Wang Xiaoyu, who has more years of experience at kung fu than at barbering, something I myself look for in a stylist.

Wang is trying to attract more customers by cutting hair while doing a headstand. I’m not making this up.

I happen to think he’s onto something smart, judging from the stuff I hear women saying to each other.

“Hey Ann, you still going to Jean-Pierre?”

“No, he stands upright all the time and just styles hair. What’s the fun in that?”

“I hear you! I’m looking for a guy to cut my hair while riding a unicycle, or maybe while sitting in a vibrating chair.”

“I know, girlfriend! I’m looking for a stylist who’s blindfolded, or at least upside-down. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“Yes! Wang! Wang! Grab your head-bandages and let’s go!”

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Wang Xiaoyu, 35, gives a model a haircut while standing on his head near his barbershop in Changsha, Hunan Province May 22, 2009. Wang, a barber of 15 years, has had 18 years of training in kung fu. REUTERS/ Stringer

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Blog Guy, I have a deep-seated fear of zombies. Like I was at a party and I met a nice chick but she had a dazed look and she started asking personal brain-related questions and I got scared.

Brain-related questions?

You know, she was like, “Dude, that’s some cranium you got there! How much do you suppose your brain would weigh if it was freshly harvested?” Stuff like that.

Ah. That just sounds like party flirting to me. The real tip-off with zombies is their clothes. They dress in stuff that the living wouldn’t put on. What was she wearing?

Her outfit was kind of a turn-on. It was shiny and see-through, like she had draped a set of cheap venetian blinds over her head and finished it off with Christmas tinsel. She gave me her address and invited me to drop by. You think I should go?

Shiny and see-through? Sure, I don’t see any harm in one visit.

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A model presents a creation by designer Iris van Herpen of the Netherlands during Kazakhstan Fashion Week in Almaty May 16, 2009. REUTERS/Shamil Zhumatov

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