Gold forearm, she’s the girl, the girl with the Midas touch,
It’s a bit much,
Gold forearm, she’s been kissed, with bracelets stacked on her wrist,
Can’t make a fist,
Trendy places she’d like to have gone,
But the airlines won’t let her get on,
When this golden girl is walking her ferrets,
All her limbs are 18 carats…
Gold forearm…

Memo to fashion show security staff: Somebody has raided the models’ bracelet cabinet. We need to find the jewelry before the show. Whomever did the job must have hidden it, because nobody is tacky enough to wear all of it at one time. Keep your eyes open…

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Model displays gold jewelry ahead of the Hindu festival of Akshaya Tritiya at a showroom in southern Indian city of Hyderabad May 6, 2008.  REUTERS/ Krishnendu Halder

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Blog Guy, I’ve seen readers mention wagering large sums on the most popular items in your blog, but I didn’t believe it until now. I’m in Las Vegas, and the gaming in a classy casino has stopped while we await your April results.  My money is on that emaciated model.

Ouch, I hope you hedged your bet a bit. Yours was number three. The top item was $60,000? I only parked for an hour!, about a new kind of urban car parking being tested. The post was very, very popular.

But if that was number one, why are you illustrating these results with a Victoria’s Secret model from the second-place item?

Oh, get real. Here are the top five:

5. Babe, can we skip this museum?

4. 75 MPH? Must be a school zone!

3. The bride’s shoulder blades were stunning…

2. News is skimpy on the bikini beat

1. $60,000? I only parked for an hour!

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Blog Guy, you give great career advice. I want to enter the glamorous and exciting field of fashion photography.

I understand that there must be quite a lot to learn before I could actually produce pictures that do justice to the creations of the designers. Do you know how much training is required?

Um, maybe not quite as much as you think. Here are a couple of actual photos I got from our Australian Fashion Week file over the past couple of days. Let’s just say if the fashion industry has problems with knock-off pirates stealing their designs, well, they’re certainly not copying them from these photos…

Much more advice on careers

Above, a creation by Friedrich Gray. Below, a creation by Honey Hartley house design show. Australian Fashion Week, REUTERS photos by Daniel Munoz.

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Blog Guy, I have a question about the Beijing Olympics, which I believe are being held in Peking.  How will they control the number of athletes? Is there some qualifying event to make sure millions of them don’t all show up in China?

Are you kidding? That would be WAY too complicated! No, each country just controls the size of their teams by making the athletes wear really goofy-looking costumes to the opening ceremony.

The French guys have silly hats and jackets that say FRANCE on the pockets. Don’t even get me started on what the French chicks are wearing. The Canadians have maple leaf pajamas, and so on.

Believe me, when self-respecting athletes get a load of those designs, there will NOT be a problem with too many of them showing up in Beijing!

More odd stuff about sports

(above) Clothing Canadian athletes will wear at the Beijing 2008 Olympics is seen in Toronto, April 30, 2008. REUTERS/Mike Cassese

(below) Models present the official outfits French athletes will wear at the Opening ceremony. Paris, April 29, 2008.  REUTERS/Charles Platiau

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Memo to fashion show staff: Well, we still need to slash spending for these shows. We’ve used dead models, but it turned out they don’t last long in the bright lights. We hired raccoons to do makeup, but who knew they’d have rabies?

Today, we’re going to be using life-like puppets instead of live models. Freddy SWEARS they look totally real, and nobody will catch on what we’re doing. If there is the slightest hint, we’ll be the laughingstock of Paris and our respected brand will be ruined forever…

There’s the music! Freddy, pull the strings on the first one. I’m SO nervous!

Lots more about models

A model presents an official outfit French athletes will wear at the 2008 Beijing Olympics Games, in Paris April 29, 2008. REUTERS/ Charles Platiau

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I get what happened here. This young gentleman looked at the wrong end of his Assault-Ready Heavy-Duty Atomic Super-Pneumatic Staple Gun, to see if it was loaded, which it turns out it was. I get that, and I certainly have to admire the professional-quality results.

But now he has a problem. Unless he wants to spend his life working as a human cake decorator - not that there’s anything wrong with that - he needs to find a plastic surgeon who is really, really, really good at filling out pesky insurance forms!

Man poses at an international tattoo convention in Moscow, April 20, 2008. REUTERS/Sergei Karpukhin

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Memo to Fashion Show Staff: We need to pay attention to every detail  of  these shows, and frankly, I’m worried about our swimsuit presentation.

The guests are here for entertainment. What are we giving them? Nothing but some drop-dead gorgeous blond models in skimpy bikinis. We just haven’t thought this through!

Work with me on this. What if we get a bunch of water sprinkling cans, and paint them with nice little flowers, and have the models carry them! So, people can have a quick look at the swimsuits, and then focus on the cans, and they won’t get bored! Who’s with me on this?

More posts about models

A model presents a swimsuit during a fashion show in Budapest April 17, 2008. REUTERS/Karoly Arvai

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Blog Guy, I recall that back in March, your most popular post was about a proposal to use cadavers instead of live models at fashion shows, to save money for the designers. Now I wonder if it ever took off. I bet this was just a trial balloon that never turned into anything real.

Well, you might have a look at this actual photo from a New York City fashion show last week. Does this LOOK like a healthy model? I’m only wondering how bad it has to get before we mention something about it in the caption.

Related post: I wouldn’t be caught dead in that dress!

A model presents a creation from the wedding gown fashion line of JL Couture by designer Jenny Lee in New York April 12, 2008. REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson

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I have a deep fear that wax museums will totally confuse the future civilizations that discover them centuries from now. What will they think, finding a waxy Paris Hilton in prison stripes? 

But I must say that a couple of days ago I had a brief flash of appreciation for this art form, upon seeing a tableau of assorted politicians, all grinning at a waxen Pope Benedict around his birthday cake. 

I thought surely the plan was to implant big honking wicks into their heads, and use the statues as  lifesize candles to surprise the real pope when he arrives in DC this week. What a sight!

Well, that was SO NOT THE PLAN, that it turns out I’m supposed to stick close to home for a few days, and be available for questioning. That’s the last time I say what I suppose everybody else is thinking!

Related post: Political paraffin-alia on display

Wax figures of Pope Benedict  and President George W. Bush are pictured “attending” a birthday party with wax figures of presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, and former President Bill Clinton in Washington, April 10, 2008. REUTERS/Jeff Snyder/Handout

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All the talk nowadays is about political strategists being spin gods, but that’s wrong. The true masters of the art are the big auction houses.

You take yesterday. A photo of France’s first lady, buck naked, sold for $91,000. The auction folks had said to expect about $4,000. Oh please! Even I could see this one coming. You give me a nude shot of Mamie Eisenhower and I’ll get you a lot more than $4,000! But by managing expectations, the auctioneer looks like a genius!

The same day, a dagger that belonged to the dude who built the Taj Mahal sold for $3.4 million. The auctioneer predicted $1 million, so who looks heroic? Add the words gold-encrusted and Taj Mahal even to a dead puma, and it will sell for a million!

I’m thinking of auctioning a big chunk of marble I busted off the Taj Mahal when I visited. I’m expecting like $42, but in this market who knows? Watch and learn.

REUTERS photo of photo by Brendan McDermid

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