Gather around, fashion show staff, I’ve found a new way to cut costs for the big show. It may be even better than our earlier measures, like using dead models, hiring dog groomers as stylists and raccoons to do makeup…

Now keep an open mind. You all remember that tragedy last year when they held a fashion show in a steam pipe factory, and there was an explosion, and the models ended up with big sections of pipe through their heads?

Well, those plucky gals want to return to modeling, but… How shall I put this? They’re not quite as attractive as models who DON’T have plumbing materials piercing their skulls.

These chicks will work for free, just to get back on the runway, so if we can just design outfits around them we’ll save a fortune!

Lonnie, check into getting the dressing room doors widened a bit for us, okay? Let’s give these poor girls another chance!

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Models present creations by Kazakhstan’s Kenje design house during Kazakhstan Fashion Week in Almaty, October 30, 2009. REUTERS/Shamil Zhumatov

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Blog Guy, I really need some dating advice. I’m an attractive young woman but I’m very shy, and when I meet a new man for the first time I just don’t know what to say. Help!

This is a very common problem. Some women find it useful to be holding something in their hand when they first meet a new guy, to help get the conversation started.

You know, something the guy will have to comment on. Do you have anything like that?

Yes! I love my picture of Lenin!

Okay, yes I guess a wallet-size photo of a former Beatle could be a conversation starter.

No, not Lennon! This is Vladimir Lenin. The Communist guy. It is a very nice portrait. I bet you’re right, any young man would admire it!

That’s not exactly what I had in mind. Now, you take this photo on the left, of a fashion model holding something…

I see. And you think that would help me start conversations with men?

Yes. Trust me, even if they are recently deceased.

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Above: A model holds a portrait of Vladimir Lenin, founder of the Soviet state, while presenting a creation by Kazakhstan designer Saltanat Baymukhamedova during Kazakhstan Fashion Week in Almaty, October 31, 2009.

Below: A model presents a creation by Baymukhamedova in Almaty, October 30, 2009.

REUTERS/photos by Shamil Zhumatov

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Looking back at my blog’s traffic statistics for October, it was an interesting month.

The five most popular items were divided between guns and freakish fashion.

That’s useful in identifying my demographic, as well as in giving me a good reason to move to Yemen and change my phone number.

For those of you who wager on this information, here you go. And I was happy to see my own favorite make it to Number Four.

Thanks for coming back, and remember, if there are people who really irritate the hell out of you, share this blog with them.

5. Bad practical jokes on guys with guns…

4. A fashion taboo bites the dust…

3. NONE of you brought bullets?

2. Nobody wants to see exposed fashion models!

And the most popular item for October was…

1. Pamela Anderson and her little dress child…

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Actress Pamela Anderson poses at the 6th Annual Hollywood Style awards in Los Angeles, October 11, 2009. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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Boss, those models are back complaining again.

Boy, it’s always something with them. What is it this time?

They haven’t eaten since 2006. Look at that one on the runway, with the spindly legs and her pelvis protruding through her skin…

I don’t see anybody. Oh, wait, I do see a white bag and a headscarf. Look, if they want to be fashion models, they need to weigh less than 40 pounds. Them’s the rules.

Yeah I know, Boss, but they’re still afraid of the birds.

The birds?

You know, the birds that live in the rafters and swoop down on the runway to carry off size zero models and eat them.

Oh, whine, whine, whine! Okay, hire some damned bird-shooting snipers for the next show, but tell them to try not to hit so many people in the audience this time!

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Above: A model presents a creation from Indian designer Sanchita’s Spring/Summer 2010 collection at the Wills Lifestyle India Fashion Week in New Delhi October 26, 2009. REUTERS/Vijay Mathur

Right: Models display outfits from designer Nicolas Vaudelet’s Spring/Summer 2010 collection during Cibeles Madrid Fashion Week in Madrid September 22, 2009. REUTERS/ Susana Vera

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Okay cheerleaders, I think we can learn something from the fashion industry.

As many of you know, some design houses have started using dog groomers to style hair for their fashion shows, trying to cut costs in these difficult times.

So now we’re trying the same thing to get our cheerleaders ready to perform.

But we’re going to push the envelope a bit here. Not only will we be trying some nice doggie hairdos - see the upper left combo - but we’re also asking our groomers to get ideas wherever they can from nature.

Girls, line up for your turn with the stylist. Lamar, back that tanker truck of hair spray into the stadium, and hook up the big hose. This is gonna be like Pompeii!

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Upper combo: Tampa Bay Buccaneers cheerleader performs at NFL football game between the Buccaneers and New England Patriots at Wembley Stadium in London, October 25, 2009. REUTERS/Dylan Martinez

Briard, American Kennel Club photo.

Lower combo: Tampa Bay cheerleaders perform at Wembley Stadium in London, October 25, 2009. REUTERS/Eddie Keogh

A squirrel eats a nut at Hellabrunn Zoo in Munich, October 27, 2009. REUTERS/ Michaela Rehle

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Okay fashion show staff, we’re bleeding cash here!

Our big cost-saving idea of hiring dog groomers to do our models’ hair helped a lot, but look at what we’re spending on lipstick! We can’t keep buying makeup this way!

What? Yes Judy, I guess you COULD say the lipstick problem has us “going down the tubes,” if you want to be really lame about it…

We have GOT to figure out something else to decorate the models’ lips, something we already have on hand. Think, think…

I’ve got it! Lamar, you remember when be bought 40,000 of those little Hitler mustaches, because we thought they were going to be the next big fashion thing, but then they weren’t?

Go root around in the closet and bring me some of them. I think I’ve just had a brilliant idea!

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Models present creations by Ukrainian designer Mavka Khome during Ukrainian Fashion Week in Kiev October 20, 2009.  REUTERS/Konstantin Chernichkin

Wax figure of Adolf Hitler in 2004 file photo. REUTERS

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My goodness, it’s October 25 again! Longtime readers of this blog know that’s the day we update you on news about famous people with seals.

It’s just in time, too, because my folder marked “Seals and Celebs” is overflowing.

Let’s see. From a couple of days ago we have actress Pamela Anderson posing with a person dressed as a seal. And, from last month, here’s supermodel Heidi Klum and her husband Seal, the musician, attending something or other.

Oh yes, and here’s a three-year-old picture of Spanish King Juan Carlos and Russian President Vladimir Putin with Spain’s Royal Seal.

Whew. That about does it until October 25, 2010.

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Combo left: Actress Pamela Anderson poses with a person dressed as a seal as part of PETA’s protest of the Canadian seal hunt at Queen’s Park in Toronto, October 23, 2009. REUTERS/Mark Blinch

Combo center: Russia’s President Vladimir Putin (L) and Spain’s King Juan Carlos smile under the Royal Seal during a traditional welcome ceremony at El Pardo Palace, near Madrid, February 8, 2006. REUTERS/Sergio Perez

Combo right: Heidi Klum and her husband, Seal, attend the “Get Schooled” conference and premiere hosted by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and Viacom in Los Angeles, September 8, 2009. REUTERS/Phil McCarten

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Blog Guy, you’re an expert on police operations around the world, right?

Okay.

So I was wondering, what are the very best and very worst police departments? I’m counting on you.

The worst may be these police in Mumbai.

Check out this photo. Looks like all of them are groping for bullets while balancing their rifles between their knees, with the barrels pointed up towards their faces.

It seems like a Deputy Barney Fife moment if ever there was one. I have another photo taken 20 seconds later, but it’s a bit grisly to use here.

And the very best unit?

I’d have to say the Dominican Republic Police Department, which appears to be made up entirely of models in skimpy bikinis. I believe the officer saluting here is a captain.

She’s a COP?  Man, I’d like to cop…

Stop right there! This is a sophisticated blog, Buster, so just keep those cheap pool hall lines to yourself!

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Above: Policemen prepare to fire their weapons to pay homage to their fallen colleagues on Police Commemoration Day in Mumbai October 21, 2009. REUTERS/Arko Datta

Below: A model displays a creation by Puerto Rico designer Ecliptica at a fashion show during the Dominicana fashion week in Santo Domingo, October 20, 2009. REUTERS/Eduardo Munoz

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Blog Guy, I’m curious about the psychology of fashion models. Do they just wear anything they’re given, or do they have strong personal feelings about the creations?

That is a very astute question. Usually, a model wears any piece of rancid garbage some nutjob designer wraps around her wispy body.

On the left here, you can see a couple of examples from yesterday.

One model doesn’t seem to mind having a black face with white spots, and a jacket with bat wings. Another seems fine with a blouse made from packing twine and coat hangers.

But models DO have feelings that accumulate, and may explode in what mental health experts call a “WTF moment.”

That’s interesting. What does it look like?

I think it looks like this.

In the middle of a Fashion Week runway, it looks to me like this model below suddenly got a mental image of herself, with what looks like bird crap smeared on her face and hair, looking down to see her breast fully exposed to every slobbering loser who could sneak into the show.

Notice her fiery eyes. I think she’s just reached her “WTF moment.”  Her hands are twitching, steam is about to shoot from her ears, and I bet she is trying to recall how many bullets are left in the .44 magnum she has in her purse backstage. The next five minutes are NOT likely to be pretty.

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Models present creations by Ukranian designers during Ukrainian Fashion Week in Kiev October 18, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Konstantin Chernichkin

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Blog Guy, you’re always making fun of fashion designers, acting like you think they are worthless, gangrenous canker sores on the buttocks of society.

Wait. You think I’m just acting?

You seem to be all talk and no action. Are you actually DOING anything to make things better?

In fact, yes. I’ve trained my dog as a fashion critic. I take her to the big shows, and she attacks the worst designs, but only when the situation is extreme.

So she doesn’t really LIKE attacking designs?

No. She’d much rather go after the designers.

How much can one dog do to improve things?

Maybe not much, but imagine dozens of trained fashion-critic dogs going wild at a spring/summer show in Paris. And dogs on the catwalk are only the first step.

I’m afraid to ask. What would be the next step?

In a perfect world? Dingos. Hyenas. Jackals. Wolverines…

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A dog chases a mock intruder during a function to celebrate the 25th Raising Day of the Indian National Security Guard in Manesar, south of New Delhi, October 16, 2009. REUTERS/Adnan Abidi

A model presents a creation by British designer John Galliano as part of his Spring/Summer 2010 women’s collection during Paris Fashion Week October 7, 2009. REUTERS/Jacky Naegelen 

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