Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

When party smalltalk gets out of control

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Blog Guy, I have a very specific fashion need and I hope you can help with it.

I go to a lot of very fancy affairs, but I have a tendency to say nasty things, and then other guests throw punches at me. What can I wear to protect myself at the holiday parties coming up?

Excuse me. Back up just a minute. You become SO offensive that upscale guests at festive Christmas parties want to punch you out? Is that what you’re saying?

Yes. I’ve never understood why they’re so sensitive, you stupid dumbass.

I think I’m starting to understand. Well, this season you’re in luck. Obnoxious women by the thousands have been flocking to a designer who makes this chic protective helmet called the “Holiday Punch Bowl.”

A post-Thanksgiving image booster

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Blog Guy, I’m afraid I really pigged out yesterday at Thanksgiving, but I understand a few extra pounds are considered attractive these days.

Can you please find recent photos of some of the beautiful people who have let themselves go, so your readers can feel better about themselves after Turkey Day?

The worst fashions? Manure couture…

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Blog Guy, I mainly come here for your coverage of really bad fashion. You do show us ALL the worst creations, right?

Of course I do. Except the stuff I need to protect my readers from, of course. But everything else gets…

Think she’ll notice if we take her purse?

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Lamar, where did you get the models for today’s fashion show?

From my psychiatrist. They’re all in therapy for various things, so they’re happy to have the work.

Therapy? Is it safe to have them here?

Oh sure, Boss, most of the ones with violent tendencies turned down the gig. My shrink says one of these chicks is being treated for narcolepsy.

Perhaps you recognize my large chest?

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So, pal, what do you do for a living?

What do I DO? I am FABIO!

Sorry, I don’t understand. What is that?

I am an actor and a model!

Oh! Have I seen you in anything?

Probably. I played the Handsome Man in “Scenes from a Mall,” the Blind Date in “Boogies Diner,” and I have done numerous cameos.

Long cameos?

No. The short kind.

Hmmmm. You do look familiar.

I am also a spokesman.

Spokesman, huh? For what?

I can’t believe it’s not butter.

What, this stuff on our plate isn’t butter?

No. I am a spokesman for I can’t believe it’s not butter!

Ah, I don’t watch much TV.

Do you read? I write books and my bare chest is on the covers! Perhaps you have read “Rogue,” “Comanche,” “Viking…”

The Runway’s Got Talent!

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It’s the same old story, Lamar. We’ve got a major fashion show today, but we can’t afford to pay professional models. You always manage to come through with models on the cheap. Any luck?

Don’t worry, Boss, I got us a good group today, and they’re free.

FREE? Huzzah! But how did you work that?

Oh. Well, they’re under the impression we’re having a reality TV talent show, so they each get to do a little “act” on the runway.

Get a grip, models!

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Lamar, we’ve got another expensive fashion show to put on today, and our label is in the toilet. Have you found any more ways to save money? We just can’t afford a first class runway production.

Relax, Boss, I’m saving us a fortune.

Bless you, Lamar! How did you do it this time?

By not renting backstage dressing rooms for the models. You can’t imagine how much that saves!

Sizzling hot fashions from a cold planet

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Blog Guy, I have a complaint.

Like many of your readers, I mostly come here for news about fashion on the planet Neptune, but you haven’t had any since last February. Back then, you said fashion photos from the Hubble Telescope showed krunkwads were getting longer for the next season.

Now, what news on the Rialto?

Wait a minute, Ace. That Rialto thing is just a line from “The Merchant of Venice.”

Where in the world is Paris Hilton?

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Blog Guy, I’m worried sick! It’s been four days since we left Paris Hilton promoting her shoes in Istanbul, and we’ve heard nothing from her. I’m going to start checking the hospitals.

I’m sorry, I should have told your earlier. She’s fine, she’s just in India now, promoting her new line of handbags and accessories. Here she is, above, at a news conference.

Then, with flames licking at her heels…

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Okay, Lamar, I put you in charge of designing our whole new line of women’s shoes, so show us what you came up with.

Here you go, Boss, behold the new Feet of Fire collection.

It’s everything the young professional woman needs. These flaming tail fins send the message, “Watch out, world, my feet are on fire and I’m stopping for nobody!”