Blog Guy, you know all the dark secrets of the designer fashion business, and it’s time to admit a fatal flaw.

I agree completely. Uh, which fatal flaw do you mean?

Oh please. There is a certain group in our society that is shunned. Due to petty prejudices, they are not allowed to create designs for the big fashion shows. You MUST know who I mean!

Ah yes, I guess you’re talking about the criminally insane. But you should know that some big shows are finally allowing this group to present their nutty outfits, under heavy medication of course.

For instance, look at the guy on the left. It’s as if Hannibal Lecter suddenly has his own designer label. More chianti and fava beans for the gentleman, please!

That’s awesome! So now that the criminally insane have been allowed to “come out” and participate, I guess we can expect future fashions to look a lot different, huh?

Nah, I expect them to be pretty much the same. Why do you ask?

Don’t be selfish. Send this post to someone you’d like to irritate!

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Top left: A model displays an outfit by designer Marta Montoto during the EGO of Cibeles Madrid Fashion Week Spring/Summer 2010 show September 18, 2009. REUTERS/Susana Vera

Top middle: Model presents creation by Portuguese designer Vitor during Lisbon Fashion Week in Cascais, October 10, 2009. REUTERS Hugo Correia

Top right: A model presents a creation by Portuguese designer Dino Alves during Lisbon Fashion Week in Cascais October 11, 2009. REUTERS/Hugo Correia

Bottom right: A model presents a creation by Portuguese designer Lara Torres during the Lisbon Fashion Week in Cascais October 11, 2009.  Reuters/Hugo Correia

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Blog Guy, how do you decide what photos to use? I think you’re holding out on us. I bet there’s better stuff than just shots of people making goofy faces and fashion models with their hoo-hahs showing. How about letting us READERS decide?

No problem. I’ll just give you the titles of several of our photo essays from recent days, and you tell me which ones you want to see here. Just say when…

Well thanks, that sounds more than fair…

Here goes: “Swiss Air Force Performs,” “Honduras Coup: The Man and His Hat,” “Harvesting Grapes in Austria…” See anything yet?

Not yet…

Um, “Belgium’s King Albert II and Queen Paola at the Vatican,” “Eel Farming in Holland…”

Liar! There is NOT one about eel farming in Holland. That’s just your deranged sense of humor again!

Oh yeah? Check out this caption: The guts of eels lie in an eel smokery…

Stop! You win! Say, Blog Guy, you got any new shots of models in stupid-looking outfits?

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Above: Fisherman Aart van der Waal (R) drinks a cup of coffee with eel smoker Joost Kant in the southern Dutch village of S’Gravendeel September 30, 2009. When Van der Waal chose 20 years ago to fish for eel rather than join the legal profession, he didn’t expect to be told someday to make a choice between making a living and breaking the law. Fishing the muddy, shallow canals near his home for plump, fattened eels that the Dutch consider a delicacy smoked on toast or in bread - and which are eaten in stews across Europe - is no longer allowed during October and November.

Right: Vvan der Waal fixes a net at his home in the Southern Dutch Village of Numansdorp, September 28, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Jerry Lampen

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Okay fashion show staff, times are hard, and we need to save more money.

We tried using dead models, but it turns out they don’t last long in the bright lights. We hired raccoons to do makeup, but there was that rabies problem.

Now, we think we have the perfect solution to the high cost of hair stylists: dog groomers!

People, there is no downside here. Groomers can work with all kinds of hair, they have a good repertoire of styles and they know how to deal with temperamental personalities.

Best of all, they already have all their own combs and brushes!

Let me demonstrate how this is going to work - the first batch of models is already out of the tubs and ready for the runway, so let’s have a look.

Say, is it just me, or do the models seem to be scratching a lot today?

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Top left: Model presents creation by designer Alexander McQueen at Paris Fashion Week, October 6, 2009. REUTERS/ Benoit Tessier

Top right: Briard, American Kennel Club photo

Bottom left: Model presents creation by designer Marc Jacobs at Paris Fashion Week, October 7, 2009. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

Bottom right: Toy poodle in 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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Blog Guy, I enjoyed your item about the festering zombie skankfest. but you didn’t include the most important information. Where can I get ME some outfits like those?

A couple of them were Vivienne Westwood originals. I’ve featured lots of her piles of steaming manure - I mean fashions - here in my blog.

Where is her shop? Paris? Rome? New York?

She just opened a new one a couple of days ago in Beirut. That might be more convenient for you than, say, Kabul or Baghdad or Mogadishu. Just think of it as a shopping mall with better-armed security guards than most.

I guess if you wanna dress like a zombie, you shop where the zombies shop. How do I get to her place in Beirut?

It’s downtown. Probably best to jump on the subway. I think you take the Green Line.

The Beirut Green Line. Heh heh… I’ve been a great audience, haven’t I?

You betcha. I’ll be here all week.

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Top: Designer Vivienne Westwood (L) arrives with model during Paris Fashion Week, October 2, 2009. REUTERS/Jacky Naegelen

Left: Westwood is kissed by her husband Andreas Kronthaler before opening of her boutique in Beirut, October 8, 2009. REUTERS/Mohamed Azakir

Right: Palestinian Fatah faction supporters carry coffins of their comrades during mass funeral of Kamal Medhat and his bodyguards in Beirut, March 25, 2009. REUTERS/ Sharif Karim

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Lamar, you mark my words, tonight is a turning point in our luck with the babes.

But it don’t make sense, Clancy. Why would professional models date guys like us?

I don’t know, but my friend says they worked the Paris Fashion Week, and they’re coming here straight from the show. You don’t get to be a model unless you’re hot!  So just chill, Lamar, I’ll let you know when I see them coming… OH MY LORD!

Holy crap, Clancy! They’re zombies! And not the attractive kind! It’s a festering skankfest of brain-eaters!

Well Lamar, that’s just two of ‘em. There’s supposed to be a third, and she’s gotta be better than that. When she gets here, she’s MINE!

Forget it, Clancy, she’s MINE!

I swear I’ll kill you with this salad fork, Lamar! Number three is MINE!

Um, Clancy. Don’t turn around. Okay, you win, number three is all yours…

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Above: Models present creations by British fashion designer Vivienne Westwood as part of her Spring/Summer 2010 collection during Paris Fashion Week, October 2, 2009.

Below: A model presents a creation by British designer John Galliano as part of his Spring/Summer 2010 women’s collection for Cacharel house during Paris Fashion Week, October 7, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Jacky Naegelen

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Okay Lonnie, we took you on as an intern during Paris Fashion Week because what the hell, you were willing to work for free just to meet the models.

But Lon, we assigned you a VERY simple task, just to wash the tops for each outfit, and what happened?

Every one of them shrank drastically, leaving the models fully exposed on the runway! You think anybody wants to see that?

Lonnie, I’m sure this was just an accident, but we did warn you that heat shrinks fabric. So what did you do wrong?

Really? Washed them repeatedly all night long in a steam room, huh, and then dried them over a Weber grill?

Well gee, that sounds like an innocent mistake to me, Lon…

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Models present creations by designer Gareth Pugh as part of his Spring/Summer 2010 women’s collection during Paris Fashion Week, September 30, 2009. REUTERS/Jacky Naegelen

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Blog Guy, I have a question about the whole Darwinism/creationism debate, and I know you are educated in both science and theology.

My problem is, I think both of those theories are kind of gross. I mean, amphibians, apes, men’s ribs, neanderthals crawling out of slime…

So where on earth did really attractive people come from? You think models like Gisele Bundchen evolved from a frickin’ chimpanzee?

You raise a very valid point, and timely as well. Runway models clearly evolved separately from regular mortals.

You should go see a very special Fashion Week tableau in Milan, which addresses this dilemma.

Check out the combo shot above. Slender, gorgeous models did once crawl on all fours, but in a graceful way.

Then, with considerable poise, they rose to their knees, discovered sizzling hot stiletto shoes, put them on and walked away, pouting and flouncing.

Hmmm. I don’t know.

Hey, they couldn’t show it in Milan if it wasn’t true.

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Above: Combination photo of a model reacting after she falls during the Mila Schon Spring/Summer 2010 women’s collection show at Milan Fashion Week September 29, 2009. REUTERS/Alessandro Garofalo

Below: Brazilian model Gisele Bundchen in Berlin in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Johannes Eisele

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As apartments and even houses get smaller, with shrinking wall space, many folks are desperately short of places to hang essential items.

The good news is, fashion designers are doing something about it, by taking stuff that once would have gone on your walls, and having you wear it instead.

For instance, note the fashion model below is comfortably wearing a medicine cabinet.

She has her mirror, her decorative door, and shelves for Adderall, Xanax, Prozac and all the other stuff that helps her seem normal.

Not enough wall space for your photos? This other model is wearing a picture frame around her head. Just think of the convenience!

“Oh Judy, what a great picture of you in that frame! When was it taken?”

“Huh? It was taken about the speed of light ago, you pathetic dimwit!”

Dumb fashion slideshow

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Above left: Model presents a creation by fashion design students during the final of the Russian Silhouette competition in Moscow, September 27, 2009. REUTERS/Sergei Karpukhin

Above right, lower left: Model presents a creation by designer Amai Rodriguez during The EGO of Cibeles Madrid Fashion Week Spring/Summer 2010 show in Madrid, September 18, 2009. REUTERS/Susana Vera

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Blog Guy, I’m a hip young single guy, and I need some dating advice.

You’ve sure come to the right place. I can pretend I know all about that stuff.

I go to singles bars, and sometimes chicks will say, “You want to come back to my place?” But I don’t always know if I should.

I hear you. For starters, if she’s in the parking lot and you haven’t even gone inside yet, you should probably pass.

Wow, thanks! What else?

Well, hair can be a giveaway. If a woman looks as though hers was styled by a helicopter rotor, say something diplomatic, like “Sorry, as you can see, I’m a Roman Catholic priest.”

And what about her clothes? Should I be looking for a chick with a very low-cut top, or a more respectable turtleneck sweater, or….

Let me stop you there. The only actual rule is, if she has a top with different-colored circles glued over her breasts, AND she has the rotor hair, look her in the eye and say, “My Birthers Club is meeting here now, maybe you’d like to join us?”

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Above: Model presents a creation from Eun Jeong 2010 Spring/ Summer collection at London Fashion Week, September 18, 2009.

Right: Model presents a creation from House of Holland 2010 Spring/ Summer collection at London Fashion Week, September 21, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Stefan Wermuth

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“Ding-dong!”

“Dear, one of the young ladies from that Manson family up the street is here selling homemade lunchmeat! Can she put us down for some?”

Okay, that was an imaginary conversation. But this photo here, which I have artfully censored, is an actual “creation” from a fashion collection in Milan this week. I did not make it up.

So what I wonder is, how far does this insane circle of sociopathy extend? Some designer draws a sketch and says, “Hey boss! Look what I came up with!”

Then, instead of having the designer institutionalized, the boss just says, “Great job! Have this made in time for the September show!”

It gets worse. They hand the outfit to some model, and instead of beating her boss to death with a croquet mallet, she just puts it on, complete with blood, and stumbles onto the runway.

But my very worst fear of all is that we might cover the show and just run regular fashion shots of it, with routine captions, as if it’s just an Audrey Hepburn classic little black dress. Nah, that could never happen!

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A model presents a creation as part of Seduzioni Diamonds Valeria Marini Spring/Summer 2010 women’s collection in Milan September 23, 2009. REUTERS/Stefano Rellandini

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