Blog Guy, I have a question about the Beijing Olympics, which I believe are being held in Peking.  How will they control the number of athletes? Is there some qualifying event to make sure millions of them don’t all show up in China?

Are you kidding? That would be WAY too complicated! No, each country just controls the size of their teams by making the athletes wear really goofy-looking costumes to the opening ceremony.

The French guys have silly hats and jackets that say FRANCE on the pockets. Don’t even get me started on what the French chicks are wearing. The Canadians have maple leaf pajamas, and so on.

Believe me, when self-respecting athletes get a load of those designs, there will NOT be a problem with too many of them showing up in Beijing!

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(above) Clothing Canadian athletes will wear at the Beijing 2008 Olympics is seen in Toronto, April 30, 2008. REUTERS/Mike Cassese

(below) Models present the official outfits French athletes will wear at the Opening ceremony. Paris, April 29, 2008.  REUTERS/Charles Platiau

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Memo to fashion show staff: Well, we still need to slash spending for these shows. We’ve used dead models, but it turned out they don’t last long in the bright lights. We hired raccoons to do makeup, but who knew they’d have rabies?

Today, we’re going to be using life-like puppets instead of live models. Freddy SWEARS they look totally real, and nobody will catch on what we’re doing. If there is the slightest hint, we’ll be the laughingstock of Paris and our respected brand will be ruined forever…

There’s the music! Freddy, pull the strings on the first one. I’m SO nervous!

Lots more about models

A model presents an official outfit French athletes will wear at the 2008 Beijing Olympics Games, in Paris April 29, 2008. REUTERS/ Charles Platiau

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I get what happened here. This young gentleman looked at the wrong end of his Assault-Ready Heavy-Duty Atomic Super-Pneumatic Staple Gun, to see if it was loaded, which it turns out it was. I get that, and I certainly have to admire the professional-quality results.

But now he has a problem. Unless he wants to spend his life working as a human cake decorator - not that there’s anything wrong with that - he needs to find a plastic surgeon who is really, really, really good at filling out pesky insurance forms!

Man poses at an international tattoo convention in Moscow, April 20, 2008. REUTERS/Sergei Karpukhin

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Memo to Fashion Show Staff: We need to pay attention to every detail  of  these shows, and frankly, I’m worried about our swimsuit presentation.

The guests are here for entertainment. What are we giving them? Nothing but some drop-dead gorgeous blond models in skimpy bikinis. We just haven’t thought this through!

Work with me on this. What if we get a bunch of water sprinkling cans, and paint them with nice little flowers, and have the models carry them! So, people can have a quick look at the swimsuits, and then focus on the cans, and they won’t get bored! Who’s with me on this?

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A model presents a swimsuit during a fashion show in Budapest April 17, 2008. REUTERS/Karoly Arvai

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Blog Guy, I recall that back in March, your most popular post was about a proposal to use cadavers instead of live models at fashion shows, to save money for the designers. Now I wonder if it ever took off. I bet this was just a trial balloon that never turned into anything real.

Well, you might have a look at this actual photo from a New York City fashion show last week. Does this LOOK like a healthy model? I’m only wondering how bad it has to get before we mention something about it in the caption.

Related post: I wouldn’t be caught dead in that dress!

A model presents a creation from the wedding gown fashion line of JL Couture by designer Jenny Lee in New York April 12, 2008. REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson

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I have a deep fear that wax museums will totally confuse the future civilizations that discover them centuries from now. What will they think, finding a waxy Paris Hilton in prison stripes? 

But I must say that a couple of days ago I had a brief flash of appreciation for this art form, upon seeing a tableau of assorted politicians, all grinning at a waxen Pope Benedict around his birthday cake. 

I thought surely the plan was to implant big honking wicks into their heads, and use the statues as  lifesize candles to surprise the real pope when he arrives in DC this week. What a sight!

Well, that was SO NOT THE PLAN, that it turns out I’m supposed to stick close to home for a few days, and be available for questioning. That’s the last time I say what I suppose everybody else is thinking!

Related post: Political paraffin-alia on display

Wax figures of Pope Benedict  and President George W. Bush are pictured “attending” a birthday party with wax figures of presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, and former President Bill Clinton in Washington, April 10, 2008. REUTERS/Jeff Snyder/Handout

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All the talk nowadays is about political strategists being spin gods, but that’s wrong. The true masters of the art are the big auction houses.

You take yesterday. A photo of France’s first lady, buck naked, sold for $91,000. The auction folks had said to expect about $4,000. Oh please! Even I could see this one coming. You give me a nude shot of Mamie Eisenhower and I’ll get you a lot more than $4,000! But by managing expectations, the auctioneer looks like a genius!

The same day, a dagger that belonged to the dude who built the Taj Mahal sold for $3.4 million. The auctioneer predicted $1 million, so who looks heroic? Add the words gold-encrusted and Taj Mahal even to a dead puma, and it will sell for a million!

I’m thinking of auctioning a big chunk of marble I busted off the Taj Mahal when I visited. I’m expecting like $42, but in this market who knows? Watch and learn.

REUTERS photo of photo by Brendan McDermid

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Ladies, you’ve all been there. An evening out, and you want something to defend yourself, but tasers and mace just don’t seem, you know, festive enough.

So, for times when you need to combine protection and fashion, what’s better than a six-foot snake? Nothing says, “Get lost!” like a big set of fangs dangling over your hand.

“Hey honey, you come here often?”

“No, me and my snake usually crush the life out of losers at the bar next door.”

Best of all, when some guy, as so often happens, holds up a rodent cage and says, “Wanna hold my pet rat?” Well, you’ve got yourself the best darned set-up in the history of Friday night comedy!

Related post: Fangs for the memories…

A model holds a snake on the runway as she displays a creation during Viva La Eve by Triumph at the Singapore Fashion Festival April 3, 2008. REUTERS/Vivek Prakash

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Blog Guy, I’m very interested in how news is covered. Let’s say you hear about something new. How do you cover it?

Well, let’s take news from Victoria’s Secret. It turns out they’re going to be selling their swimsuits in stores, instead of just online and in catalogs. This is big news, because with summer coming, women are facing a shortage of places to buy beach wear. Some cities are down to their last four or five thousand shops!

I hear you. That IS a big story, especially with online and catalog shopping being so tough. So then, you would send a reporter to learn more about this and write a story, huh?

Are you stupid? No! We’d send a photographer to shoot the swimsuit models! Heck, another major news organization sent TWO photographers on this story!

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Victoria’s Secret model Marisa Miller (2nd R) poses with models during a store appearance at the Victoria’s Secret store in New York April 2, 2008. Victoria’s Secret announced they will be selling their swimwear collection in stores nationwide. REUTERS/Brendan McDermid

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Clinical study, day one: Researchers, we recently became aware of Fashion Model Rage, thanks to the respected journal Oddly Enough. I presume you read the relevant papers, The age of runway rage? and Why so crabby, Abby?, which got us our $8.2 million study grant.

Pay attention to our first subject. We dressed a model in a shiny suit four sizes too small, and a Doc Holliday string tie. Note he cannot button his jacket and breathe at the same time, thus instantly raising his anxiety level. We adapted the outfit from a 1640s sketch of a Puritan undertaker.

Then we pushed him onto the runway, where strangers will mutter, snicker and gawk. Note his fists are beginning to curl and clench. He is about five seconds away from wading into that crowd for a large dose of chair-climbing whoop-ass.

The audience? Just a bunch of yokels off the tourist bus. I imagine they have health insurance.

A model presents a creation by Russian designer Max Chernitsov during Russian Fashion Week in Moscow March 31, 2008. REUTERS/Sergei Karpukhin

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