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Blog Guy, will you please set up one of your famous fantasy photos for me?
What do you have in mind?
Well, I want to be in it myself. I’ll be in a train station…
Already I don’t like where this is going.
See, this gorgeous brunette – like Kate Middleton, only much prettier – dressed all in black, with stiletto boots, roars up on a big red BSA Spitfire and stops to let me on the back…
I’m gonna stop you right there, Ace. Let me take a wild guess. You’re over 60, you’re losing your hair and you’re no Brad Pitt. Am I right?
Er, well, yes. How did you know?
Because you’re the 14th guy today to ask for that exact same fantasy shot. Show up at the railway station on Tuesday. I’ve got a 10:45 a.m. slot open, take it or leave it.
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Thriller writer Jeffery Deaver poses for photographers with model Chesca Miles on a BSA Spitfire motorbike to launch the new James Bond book “Carte Blanche” at St Pancras station in London May 25, 2011. REUTERS/Paul Hackett
A sure way to get their attention…
We’ve got another fashion show today, Lamar, and money is still very tight. Did you manage to find us a model who works cheap?
I did, Boss. She’s dressing now.
What’s wrong with her, Lamar? There’s always something wrong with those cheap ones you get.
I’m just putting on my eye makeup, honey!
Lamar, our fashion show is about to start. Did you find us a fresh supply of affordable runway models?
I did indeed, Boss, and they’re pretty nice, if you don’t mind having human genetic mutations show our haute couture to the world.
You said my butt looks WHAT?
Lonnie, what were we thinking? I KNEW we shouldn’t have booked a fashion show in Mexico, what with the drug wars, the gang hits, the brazen shootouts all over the place!
It’ll be fine, Boss. Some of the models want to wear Kevlar vests on the runway, but those are pretty fashionable these days.
Darn, I’d forget my blouse if it wasn’t…
Lamar, did you manage to get us some more cut-rate models for the fashion show? I know you’ve saved money in the past by using the criminally insane, the extremely sullen, zombies….
This time I have a real good feeling, boss. My shrink gave me some names of women in his Forgetful and Absent-Minded Therapy Group, and they look pretty presentable.
Are you the models from Moody Judy?
Okay Lamar, we’re back to doing our fashion shows on the cheap, since we blew all that money on supermodels last week.
So, did you find a way to save us money on models for today’s show?
I sure did, Boss. I hired girls with real bad attitude.
How bad?
They gave me a long list of stuff they won’t do.
Like what?
Like smile. Or show any personality. Or wear red lipstick.
Well, just as long as they can walk to the end of the runway and turn around, I’ll be satisfied.
When pensive gets expensive…
Okay Lamar, the big day has arrived! For once, we’re spending some real money on supermodels for our fashion show, and you’ll see what a difference quality can make.
Now, did you teach them the subtle moves I asked for?
You bet, Boss. Two of them have mastered the intricate “Stand on one stiletto, lift the other foot and smile” maneuver.
A walk in the park with an obvious narc?
Blog Guy, you used to blog a lot about the new fashions for police decoys, those guys who try to look like such tempting targets that criminals can’t resist going after them. But you haven’t shown us the new stuff for ages.
You’re right. I used to cover all the big decoy fashion trade shows. “Snare Wear,” “Con Com,” “Hook ‘em and Book ‘em…”
Juicy fruits in our birthday suits?
Sit down, sir. As your neighborhood bank manager I appreciate you coming to us for your small business loan. Now, tell me a little about your idea.
It’s pretty simple. I plan to launch Lamar’s Buck Naked Door-to-Door Fruit.
Another tragic thinking mishap…
Lamar!
What is it this time, Boss?
There’s smoke coming out of that model’s hair out there on the runway! What’s wrong with her?
I guess that’s my fault, Boss. She was looking for something to read backstage, so I showed her those Reuters Analysis and Opinion things, on my iPad.
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