Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

$2,250? You’re off your trolley!

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Blog Guy, has your Thanksgiving Williams-Sonoma catalog arrived yet? I can’t wait to see what expensive specialty gadgets we need to help us prepare the most traditional meal of all.

Indeed it did arrive, but I confess I stopped at the massive holiday cocktail section and got no further.

Really? What stopped you there?

The invitation to “create a professional bar experience at home.”

They didn’t say that!

I promise you they did, on page 35.

What the hell is a professional bar experience?

I know, right? I always thought it just involved getting really s**t-faced, but apparently there’s a lot more to it.

A professional bar experience at home requires a mahogany Hotel Trolley, just $2,250.00. You really need two of those, so your hammered guests can race them.

Get a grip, models!

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Lamar, we’ve got another expensive fashion show to put on today, and our label is in the toilet. Have you found any more ways to save money? We just can’t afford a first class runway production.

Relax, Boss, I’m saving us a fortune.

Bless you, Lamar! How did you do it this time?

By not renting backstage dressing rooms for the models. You can’t imagine how much that saves!

It’s only art, what’s the worst that can happen?

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Here’s an actual true news item. Unionized art handlers have been picketing outside Sotheby’s after the auction house locked them out following a drawn-out contract dispute.

With the big fall auction season just a month away, the art handlers have been replaced by temps. Not surprisingly, the union says the temporary workers have had inferior training.

Hey look! I think it’s money!

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Blog Guy, I’m going on vacation soon to that brand-new country, South Sudan, and I need some of your famous travel advice. Should I convert my dollars here, or wait until I get there?

I think you’ll have to do it there. They only introduced their currency a couple of days ago.

Boy, this comes as quite a surprise…

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I am in the wrong damned business. I need to get one of those sweet gigs doing scientific “studies.”

But it has to be just the right “study,” where the results back up what everybody already thinks. If your “study” rocks the boat, then people take a closer look and find out you spent your whole grant on remodeling your guest bathroom, and you’re in trouble.

Hey, you missed a spot by the Porsche!

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AUTOSHOW/PREMIUM

Okay people, as you know, our exhibit at the Shanghai Auto Show is all about glamor and luxury. Class, sumptuousness and style. Lamar, you were in charge of our display, let’s see what you’ve come up with.

The cars look great, gorgeous models in sexy dresses and shoes, and… Um, Lamar?

Three great inventions we really need…

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THAILAND

Blog Guy, apart from writing textbooks and making airplanes, what do you do with your time?

I dabble at inventing. Someday one of my ideas will catch on, and that will be my ticket out of this dump.

Saving for college, one holdup at a time

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As a humor blogger, if there’s one question I get more than any other it’s “Blog Guy, college is so darned expensive these days, how can I afford to send my kids there?”

college trump 320That’s where I can help out. Not with my own original ideas, you understand, but by quoting an expert – let’s call him Dan – who knows money secrets normally available only to the super-rich.

From the design house to the outhouse…

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porta fashion models 490

Lamar, now that our fashion show is underway, please tell me you managed to keep costs down. I hope you didn’t throw away a lot of money on extravagances and luxury doodads.

porta fashion 240We’re on the same page, Boss. I didn’t even rent an expensive backstage dressing room this time. Look out there, our models will just change outfits onstage.

Remember to tip your blogger, folks

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EMIRATES-GOLD/VENDING

Blog Guy, you’re an expert on social etiquette. Should I give a gift or a tip to my favorite bloggers at Christmas? Would they be offended because they’re professionals?

Offended? Of course not. After all, you tip other professionals like your dentist and congressman, don’t you?