Oddly Enough Blog

$2,250? You’re off your trolley!

Blog Guy, has your Thanksgiving Williams-Sonoma catalog arrived yet? I can’t wait to see what expensive specialty gadgets we need to help us prepare the most traditional meal of all.

Indeed it did arrive, but I confess I stopped at the massive holiday cocktail section and got no further.

Really? What stopped you there?

The invitation to “create a professional bar experience at home.”

They didn’t say that!

I promise you they did, on page 35.

Get a grip, models!

Lamar, we’ve got another expensive fashion show to put on today, and our label is in the toilet. Have you found any more ways to save money? We just can’t afford a first class runway production.

Relax, Boss, I’m saving us a fortune.

Bless you, Lamar! How did you do it this time?

By not renting backstage dressing rooms for the models. You can’t imagine how much that saves!

Are they okay with that?

Well, they were a little concerned about their personal belongings, what with no lockers for storing their suitcases.

It’s only art, what’s the worst that can happen?

Here’s an actual true news item. Unionized art handlers have been picketing outside Sotheby’s after the auction house locked them out following a drawn-out contract dispute.

With the big fall auction season just a month away, the art handlers have been replaced by temps. Not surprisingly, the union says the temporary workers have had inferior training.

* * * * * *

Hey pal, you must be the new poorly trained temporary handler of priceless art, right?

Yeah, you can call me Lamar. Put ‘er there… Oops, well that vase was probably chipped anyway, right?

Yeah, nothing a little Crazy Glue won’t fix, Lamar. So, there’s no real training here, we just kind of fix stuff up so they can get more for it at the auctions.

Hey look! I think it’s money!

Blog Guy, I’m going on vacation soon to that brand-new country, South Sudan, and I need some of your famous travel advice. Should I convert my dollars here, or wait until I get there?

I think you’ll have to do it there. They only introduced their currency a couple of days ago.

Really? What did they do for money before that?

I guess they just owed each other. I mean, it’s a great excuse if you think about it. “Jeez, I’d like to pay you for this tuna fish and these flip-flops, but unfortunately, money doesn’t exist yet.”

So now that the South Sudan Pound does exist, what is it worth?

My guess would be absolutely nothing, but that’s just a rough estimate.

Boy, this comes as quite a surprise…

I am in the wrong damned business. I need to get one of those sweet gigs doing scientific “studies.”

But it has to be just the right “study,” where the results back up what everybody already thinks. If your “study” rocks the boat, then people take a closer look and find out you spent your whole grant on remodeling your guest bathroom, and you’re in trouble.

A recent study by Texas researchers has found guys who wear expensive clothes and drive flashy cars are more successful at having flings and staying single. Right. Hold on to your hats.

“Women seem to understand that when they see a man who has chosen to spend money conspicuously, they think he would be more interesting as a date,” the researcher said.

I gather “interesting as a date” is a euphemism meaning the chick won’t have to climb on a city bus and go eat at a White Castle.

This shocking news is a lot for me to absorb. It may explain why, years ago, it took six months for me to find out the passenger door in my brown Chevy Nova didn’t even open.

Hey, you missed a spot by the Porsche!

Okay people, as you know, our exhibit at the Shanghai Auto Show is all about glamor and luxury. Class, sumptuousness and style. Lamar, you were in charge of our display, let’s see what you’ve come up with.

The cars look great, gorgeous models in sexy dresses and shoes, and… Um, Lamar?

Yeah, Boss?

There seem to be people cleaning the floor next to our display. Some with brooms, some down on their hands and knees. What’s that about?

That was my idea, Boss. I thought it would underscore the luxury more if there were people doing menial labor nearby.

You know Boss, it will kind of remind our customers they can afford something those other workers can’t have.

Three great inventions we really need…

Blog Guy, apart from writing textbooks and making airplanes, what do you do with your time?

I dabble at inventing. Someday one of my ideas will catch on, and that will be my ticket out of this dump.

Is there anything you can share with us?

Well, I do have three patents pending. You know the automatic doors they have at stores?

Of course. They open when you approach, but those have been around forever.

Yes, but not the smaller home version. Why should you have to turn a doorknob when you can have all the convenience of a supermarket at your own front door?

Saving for college, one holdup at a time

As a humor blogger, if there’s one question I get more than any other it’s “Blog Guy, college is so darned expensive these days, how can I afford to send my kids there?”

That’s where I can help out. Not with my own original ideas, you understand, but by quoting an expert – let’s call him Dan – who knows money secrets normally available only to the super-rich.

Here’s Dan’s blog piece on the subject, but I’ll boil down his main points.

1. Set a savings goal

“Whether it’s $25 or $250 each week, plan out how much you’re going to set aside for your child’s future,” Dan tells us.

Hey, slow down, Dan, I’m not Donald Trump! What if I save TOO much, and end up with $10 million when all I need is $200,000? Or worse, what if my kid turns out to be stupid, and doesn’t need any tuition at all?

Dan goes on to offer some specific ways to cut back. He says you can save $1,000 a year if you stop buying a latte every morning. Avoid Starbucks, and in just 200 years it’s Hello, Harvard!

From the design house to the outhouse…

Lamar, now that our fashion show is underway, please tell me you managed to keep costs down. I hope you didn’t throw away a lot of money on extravagances and luxury doodads.

We’re on the same page, Boss. I didn’t even rent an expensive backstage dressing room this time. Look out there, our models will just change outfits onstage.

What? In front of the audience? Who wants to see that?

Not to worry, Boss, I rented five Porta-Johns as on-stage changing rooms. They were dirt cheap, though I did have to pay a little for permission to dig holes in the stage.

Yikes! I hope you know what  you’re doing, Lamar. Speaking of which, where’s our men’s room? It’s time for my daily constitutional, and I’ve got my sports section right here.

Remember to tip your blogger, folks

Blog Guy, you’re an expert on social etiquette. Should I give a gift or a tip to my favorite bloggers at Christmas? Would they be offended because they’re professionals?

Offended? Of course not. After all, you tip other professionals like your dentist and congressman, don’t you?

Yes, that’s a good point. What sort of gifts do bloggers enjoy?

Gold is popular, and it even comes in vending machines now. Other nice gifts are luxury automobiles, designer luggage, home entertainment systems, Caribbean holidays and pretzels.

Oh! I could do pretzels!

Nice try. I already have enough of those.