Oddly Enough Blog

So I’m not the sexiest man alive?

Boss, you got a minute for a private chat?

Sure Lamar, what’s up?

I’m kinda depressed. “People Magazine” just announced its “Sexiest Man Alive” choice for this year, and once again, it wasn’t me.

I can see where that would be a blow to somebody with your unusual looks, Lamar. Who got it this time?

Some actor named Bradley Cooper.

It keeps goin’ to guys like George Clooney, Matt Damon, Harrison Ford. Some of them have won twice, and I can’t even get it once.

When superstars shoot on location…

I can’t believe they have the nerve to call this dump a supermarket!

But Ms. Jolie, this isn’t America. Things are different over here.

Really? Things are SO different that I can’t even buy Budweiser or Velveeta for Brad? What the hell are we supposed to live on?

Well, maybe you and Mr. Pitt could try some other kind of processed cheese product while you’re working here, Ms. Jolie….

Right, like THAT’S gonna happen! They wouldn’t even take my newspaper coupons here, either.

You cut those out of the Schenectady Gazette, Ms. Jolie. They’re not going to take them over here.

To goofinity, and beyond!

I try very hard to invent high-quality fantasy stuff for my blog, but sometimes I just can’t compete with reality. For instance, I could never make up anything like this actual science story:

LAS CRUCES, New Mexico (Reuters) – A start-up space company building inflatable habitats for commercial and government lease has laid off half its staff because of delays developing space taxis needed to fly people to the outposts, the company president said on Wednesday.

Robert Bigelow, a hotel entrepreneur and founder of Las Vegas-based Bigelow Aerospace, had hoped space taxis, also needed by NASA to fly astronauts to the International Space Station, would be available by early 2015.

I don’t even know which element is most bizarre. Is it that this guy makes inflatable space houses, or that now the taxis he thought would take folks up to his inflatable space houses won’t be ready on time, or that his business is based in Las Vegas?

I need to start paying more attention to technology, because I haven’t felt this ignorant about current events since a year ago, when I found out the U.S. Navy was shooting off Volkswagens at the speed of light or whatever it was.

I mean, did I fall asleep for 20 years and suddenly wake up in a world where there’s a weekend space house waiting for me, if only I can get a taxi?

Great mooseum! I’ll be back!

Blog Guy, I need some of your famous travel advice. I love visiting the childhood homes of great people, to see where they got their start.

I’ve been to Mark Twain’s home in Hannibal, Missouri, the house where Louisa May Alcott grew up in Concord, Massachusetts, Reverend Martin Luther King’s birth home, in Atlanta…

Say no more, this is your lucky day. Two words for you: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Um, I think I’m going to need a few more words than that.

Oh. They’ve just opened a museum dedicated to Arnold’s life, in the house where he was born, in Austria. He was there in person for the opening.

He’s not exactly Louisa May Alcott.

I left my part in San Francisco?

Blog Guy, I always come to you for my news about the movie industry. What’s my favorite actress, Halle Berry, up to these days?

She’s shooting a movie on location in Glasgow, Scotland.

Ah, so I guess this is another Glasgow movie that’s SUPPOSED to be Philadelphia, like that Brad Pitt zombie movie you wrote about recently?

No, this is a Glasgow move that’s supposed to take place in San Francisco.

Wait a minute, Blog Guy! I understand suspension of disbelief as much as the next person, but how can the same Scottish city pass for Philadelphia AND San Francisco, which don’t look anything alike? What about San Francisco’s dramatic hills?

I understand all the movie cameras are being tilted to a 45-degree angle, to simulate the hilly streets. Also, they’ve altered Glasgow’s billboards to say stuff like, “Try haggis, the San Francisco treat.”

It’s just like in the disaster movies!

Boss, can you hear me? It’s me, Johnson! Oh, it’s still night-time in LA? Sorry to wake you up, but I’ve got great news!

You remember you sent me to scout around for the next big “King Kong” sort of movie?

Well, I’m here in the Philippines, of all places…. They’ve “captured” this huge honking 21-foot-long crocodile which has already attacked several people.

Get some film crews out here right away, Boss, I have a feeling this one is gonna pop soon. I’m watching ‘em right now, moving the “captured” croc.

The team leader couldn’t be bothered to stop smoking long enough for the historic photo, but then in fairness, lung cancer is going to be the least of his problems. He’s about to drop ashes on the croc’s hood.

The “guard” with a rifle is zoned out, trying to remember the third verse to “MacArthur Park…” The Croc Mover they’re using is made of logs, and was state-of-the-art in the 12th century. Its axle is about to break, and the croc is tied down with flimsy knots that look like some Boy Scouts lost interest and went off to make s’mores.

Scottish zombies get silly in Philly?

Blog Guy, I saw a bunch of photos of a zombie movie being made, with Brad Pitt, and it looked like it was in Philadelphia.

So?

But I live in Philly, and I haven’t seen any film activity here. What’s up?

Oh, that’s just a little bit of movie trickery. The film is set in Philadelphia, but they’ve redone another city to look just like it for the actual filming. I guess they did a good job, if it fooled a resident.

Wow! What city did they turn into Philly?

Glasgow, Scotland. So it totally looks like the real thing, huh?

Von Trapped with no way out?

What’s wrong, Blog Guy? You look very frightened and upset.

I am. A neighbor told me about an event involving Nazis and dog bites and bee stings and…and…maybe yodeling.

That sounds vicious. What is this thing?

You know that 1965 Julie Andrews movie, “The Sound of Music,” about a woman who works for a naval officer in a land-locked country as the governess for his hundreds of obnoxious children?

Those kids! Liesl and Hansel and Gretel and Sneezy and Goofy and….

That’s the one. Well, there’s an event coming where they show that movie on a huge screen, and people sing along and wear costumes and stuff like that.

You’re a mean one, Mister Grinch…

Man, I hope this guy is proud of himself.

But let me back up a minute.

When I was a boy, there was a Disney movie about a plucky little terrier who went to Edinburgh with his master, who then died.  The dog kept a 14-year vigil at his master’s grave, passing away himself in 1872.

Watching this as a child required more tissues than I could even carry into the theater. The movie was called “Greyfriars Bobby, the True Story of a Dog.”

Since then, there have been other movies and books about Bobby. There is even a bronze statue of sweet Bobby in the cemetery, which I myself have visited in Edinburgh.

Now meet Jan Bondeson, a so-called historian who suddenly tells us the whole story was just a Victorian business stunt to make money.

Bondeson says the real Bobby was just a stray mutt bribed with food to stay in the graveyard, and that he really died in 1867 and was replaced by another “Bobby,” much like they did with Senator Strom Thurmond here for so many years.

Rewriting Jane, an Austen-tatious move

Blog Guy, I read that a handwritten draft of a Jane Austen book that was never published just sold for $1.6 million at auction. The story said it was an unfinished work. She’s my very favorite author!

Yeah, I know all about that. I was the anonymous telephone bidder who bought the draft. I’m eating barbecue ribs and reading her manuscript right now. It’s not bad.

Be careful with that! What are you going to do with it?

Well, I’ve never read any of her stuff, but I did like “The Six Million Dollar Man” when it was on TV.

Are you stupid? That was Steve Austin. This is JANE AUSTEN.

Oh. Crap. Anyway, I’ve been doing some research, and I figure I can just finish writing her book myself, and then get $400 million or whatever.