Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Opening a CAN of whoopass…

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Dear People Who Decide Film Awards:

I read that you’re giving a career tribute to that actor James Caan, at the Marrakesh Film Festival. What were you thinking?

MOROCCOI have nothing against the actor personally. I even saw those “Godfather” movies, but lost interest after Apollo Creed dropped out.

But you’re giving him the award in Morocco, which hasn’t had a movie connection since that long-forgotten flick with Peter Lorre and Claude Rains.

Look, I’m just a below-average blogger who plays with words for a living, but when you give an award to James CAAN, the obvious place to do it is the CANNES Film Festival.

It’s me! The guy wishing you well!

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Lamar, we need to talk. You seem to be gone a lot lately. You took that temp job as an archbishop

quaid well wishers 300That’s over, Boss. They don’t pay their archbishops as much as I expected.

Angelina and the Used Car Dealer?

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What the hell is going on with this Angelina Jolie movie, Lamar?

Boss, that’s the one where she’s the director. It’s her first time…

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I know that, you simpleton! But you’re supposed to be keeping an eye on her, and I’m getting no info on…what’s the movie called again?

Is he really worth whacking, Boss?

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Okay, fellow Star Whackers, the reason for this emergency secret meeting is, we have a problem. A big one. Some guy seems to have found out about us, and he’s making statements to the media. Lamar, have you dug up anything on him?

quaid combo 320Yeah Boss, he’s an actor named Randy Quaid. He and his wife have requested asylum in Canada to protect themselves from us. They say other stars have been murdered, and now we’re after them.

I need to use the long-necked birds’ room

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GERMANY/

Blog Guy, I’m a big fan of actor Matt Damon. He’s just great in everything, and so cute. What’s he like in real life?

USA/He’s a wild man. I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but when he’s on location shooting his movies he spends his off hours with every hussy, floozy, doxy and trollop he can find.

Come home and meet the family, Arnold!

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SCHWARZENEGGER-RUSSIA/

Okay, screenwriters, this movie footage is solid gold! Imagine, Arnold Schwarzenegger in a car with actual Russian President Dmitry Medvedev. It’s priceless!

Your job is to spin this little video clip into our next summer blockbuster sequel, “T5: The Terminator Kicks Russian Butt!”

Together again for the first time?

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Blog Guy, I’m confused. A couple of  months ago you did an item sort of poking fun at all the free publicity Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz were getting just by going from city to city promoting the premiere of some new movie.

JAPAN/Yes, I remember. We covered them at premieres in at least six cities, way back in July. Why do you mention it now?

Shoppe ’til you droppe?

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Blog Guy, you haven’t updated us on your  Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop in Washington, DC, for some time. Last we heard, it was poised to take off. So what’s new there?

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Lots! HUGE stuff! Our expensive marketing consultant wants us to change Doughnut Shop to Doughnut Shoppe in the name, to make it classier.

Eat, Pray, Read?

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FASHION/

Blog Guy, you’re smiling today. You must have seen something amusing, huh?

USA/I sure did. You know how sometimes I imply that fashion models aren’t, you know, geniuses? Like maybe they don’t have to think a lot to do that job?

Good luck will rub off when I shake ‘ands with you…

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Blog Guy, it looks to me like those Government Death Panels you write about still aren’t popular. Is President Obama doing anything to help sell them as part of his health care reform?

obama umbrella 300Sure. I guess you haven’t seen his promotional video based on the classic kids’ movie, “Mary Poppins.”