Oddly Enough Blog

Von Trapped with no way out?

What’s wrong, Blog Guy? You look very frightened and upset.

I am. A neighbor told me about an event involving Nazis and dog bites and bee stings and…and…maybe yodeling.

That sounds vicious. What is this thing?

You know that 1965 Julie Andrews movie, “The Sound of Music,” about a woman who works for a naval officer in a land-locked country as the governess for his hundreds of obnoxious children?

Those kids! Liesl and Hansel and Gretel and Sneezy and Goofy and….

That’s the one. Well, there’s an event coming where they show that movie on a huge screen, and people sing along and wear costumes and stuff like that.

Are you ready, athletes? Blow and go!

Blog Guy, you never seem to write much about the sport I participate in, the biathlon.

Sorry, I’ll do that right now. What instrument do you play?

Instrument? What are you talking about?

Sigh. The classic biathlon is a two-part sport. You play a piece on a brass instrument, then you swim 103 miles from Cuba to Florida.

Are you out of your mind?

No. What do you think the biathlon slogan means, anyway? “Play a tuba, swim from Cuba.” Look, here are photos of a recent one. This athlete is just finishing up the William Tell Overture on a trumpet before diving in for her long swim.

So you’re ALL named Jaydon?

Sometimes I despair for us all. And it turns out those are actually my giddy moments.

An item in the “New York Times” informs us that among the names that have gained the most in popularity in America over the last six years are Jayden, Landon, Addison, Khloe and several others.

What they all have in common is that I don’t know a single person with those names. Not one.

Perhaps I’m just hanging with the wrong people. That happens.

Another explanation is that these folks are from a parallel universe, where instead of naming children after a beloved relative or great statesman or writer, names come from fields I know nothing about, such as reality television or home dentistry.

The Rhymes they are A-Changin’

Blog Guy, I read in a Reuters story that some previously unpublished lyrics by legendary songwriter Bob Dylan are going up for auction this month.

Yes, it’s an incredible window into the creative process. The lyrics are heavily annotated, sometimes in crayon, so you can actually see how they evolved.

People may be very surprised at the earliest versions of some of the legendary legend’s classics.

Can you give us examples?

Sure. There are unedited first drafts of “Blowin’ in the Window,” “Don’t Give it a Second Thought, it’s Okay,” and “Like a Pebble that Rolls If You Kick It.”

Those were his originals titles? Boy, it really makes you think, huh? Give us more.

Wouldn’t hanging them be more humane?

Blog Guy, I read somewhere that you’re an authority on prisoner rehabilitation programs.

Well, yes, but only the really wacky ones that make no sense at all to me. For instance, here’s one where they teach prisoners to play bagpipes.

No way.

It’s true. They take hardened criminals, who are already a not very popular group of people, and teach them to be even more irritating. And it isn’t just bagpipes. Some of them learn to play large drums.

What’s the theory behind this program?

According to our photo caption, the idea is to “involve them in various social functions so as to change their mindset.” As we all know, annoying people until they snap is a great way to make useful contacts in the outside world.

When the top brass goes to Europe…

Hey Blog Guy, we could use some of your famous travel advice. My brass ensemble is going to Paris, and we….

Are you out of your mind? Don’t you know the French can’t stand brass instruments? You could be arrested before you play a single note.

We’re well aware of the dangers, but we want to change their attitude. We plan to go to the Eiffel Tower and play the William Tell…

No! That sort of Overture is out of the question! If you tried a stunt like that, they’d be playing “Taps” for you. On the cello, of course.

So you don’t think anybody could get by with playing a brass instrument in France? What about yourself? You’re so diplomatic, Blog Guy, could you do it?

Well, I hate to blow my own horn, but…

Karaoke, or torture? There’s a difference?

Hey Blog Guy, I haven’t seen you around the neighborhood for days. Are you okay?

Yes, thanks for checking. I don’t go out during National Karaoke Week, which is going on now.

If you don’t like karaoke, why not just avoid places where they have it? Like bars, lounges and the ninth circle of hell?

That’s not enough. During National Karaoke Week there are horrific stories of innocent, decent folks being dragged off the street and forced into Karaoke places.

Wow! I didn’t know that. Are there any precautions that we, as average citizens, can take to protect ourselves?

Well, I personally have had the songs “Country Roads” and “Feelings” surgically removed from my memory. It was expensive, but worth it. I also clamp a couple of heavy-duty binder clips onto my lips after one alcoholic beverage.

Gives whole new meaning to “air guitar”

Blog Guy, you know that city in Siberia that you like to call Wackytown?

Yes, Krasnoyarsk. It is the goofiest spot on earth.

I was wondering, do they have a space program?

Indeed they do, and it’s a strange one.

No! Why doesn’t that surprise me?

The folks there wanted to be the first to shoot a guitar into space, and yesterday they succeeded.

That’s quite an accent you have there…

Blog Guy, I need some of your job-hunting advice. I was working on a résumé, but then I stopped.

Oh, you MUST resume your résumé. Why did you stop?

I needed lunch. I’m eating a clear beef broth and some healthy Japanese soybeans my mom sent.

Well, you need to resume your résumé after you consume your consommé and eat your mommy’s edamame…

I can’t get motivated. Maybe I’ll put on some music. We love jazz in my New Orleans neighborhood.

You live in Tremé?

Maybe you can believe it, if it helps you to sleep…

Blog Guy, I think I’m going mad! I woke up this morning and the radio was saying something about a “U.S. President Taylor.” Who the hell is that?

Where have you been for the last two years, buddy? They were talking about President James Taylor.

The singer? But this can’t be!

Look, for my money he’s doing a much better job than any of the other singing presidents did.

Do you want to return to the days of President Streisand or President Dylan? And don’t even get me started on President Garfunkel.

Singing presidents? I must still be asleep.