Blog Guy, I’m confused…

Of course you are, or you wouldn’t be wasting a nice Sunday on this blog.

Why haven’t you awarded the coveted Celebrity Cry for Help prize for the week?

I saw the Quentin Tarantino outfit in your blog, and I saw how designer Vivienne Westwood looked at Paris Fashion Week. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

Patience. Did you see what designer Karl Lagerfeld wore to Paris Fashion Week?

Lagerfeld? The guy who played Lee Marvin in that “Cat Ballou” movie?

Exactly. Look at the photo below, and tell me anybody was crying louder than that for help this week.

Oh my. My, my, my. The winner and still champion…

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Above right: Director Quentin Tarantino, September 29, 2009.

Above left: British fashion designer Vivienne Westwood at her Spring/Summer 2010 collection during Paris Fashion Week, October 2, 2009. REUTERS/Jacky Naegelen

Below: German designer Karl Lagerfeld at his Spring/Summer 2010 collection, October 4, 2009. REUTERS/Jacky Naegelen

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Okay young man, thanks for volunteering, but do you think you have what it takes to be a pro-democracy protester here in Hong Kong?

You BET I do. I have fire in my heart!

That’s the spirit. Because sometimes you may get tear-gassed by police, or maybe even punched and kicked.

I can take it for the cause!

You may even have to go to jail.

Just give me the chance! They shall not break my spirit!

Oh, and occasionally you’ll need to put your finger up some other dude’s nose.

Excuse me, I guess I’m in the wrong place. I’m just here to pick up an order of General Tso’s chicken, with extra soy sauce…

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Pro-democracy protesters carrying a mock coffin try to cross a police line during a demonstration demanding China improve its human rights record, outside the Chinese liaison office in Hong Kong, October 1, 2009. REUTERS/Tyrone Siu

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Eency Weency spider, climbs up my favorite cup
Along comes this dude who eats the spider up,
Juicy, juicy spider, it meets an awful death,
And off goes the weirdo, Mr. Spider Breath!

Blog Guy, it’s a dreary day. Give us a story from some far-flung place, to enrich our appreciation of other cultures.

How about watching our video report on this guy, who earns money eating spiders while people watch.

That may be a little TOO enriching for my gag reflex. What does he eat, like two or three?

Nope, he gobbles like a hundred at a time, and he wants to get into the record books by eating a thousand.

Ewwww!!!! Stop it!!!! Stop right now!!!!!

He says some are juicy, some sweet, some bitter, and some have a milky flavor…

No!!!! What can I do to erase this from my mind?

Only one thing will do that. You have to send this blog item to ten other people, and they must do the same…

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People say to me, “Bob, where do you GET those danged bizarre photos you use?”

I comb our daily photo file, but the weirdest ones are served up to me on a silver platter, in an “Extreme Monthly” selection of shots hand-picked by some really twisted minds on our photo desk. Here are some caption snippets from their latest batch:

Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders line up in the end zone… REUTERS/Tim Shaffer

The founder of a sex toy company uses a lighter to burn a rubber dildo to show her sales staff the quality of the product… REUTERS/David Gray

Hindu devotee gets his mouth pierced…

Reverend Jesse Jackson is symbolically crowned Prince Nana Aka Essoin… REUTERS/Luc Gnago

Military…experts inspect the body of a man killed outside a nightclub… handcuffed to a fence and shot…

A horse falls on its rider during a national sports competition…

Brawn GP Formula One driver Rubens Barrichello of Brazil drives in the pit lane with his engine on fire…

Here’s the thing. Despite years of reading “Extreme Monthly,” I still don’t quite get what they consider extreme. I do see that Jesse Jackson being crowned a prince next to a topless woman is a little odd, as is a devotee being harpooned like Moby Dick.

But it seems to me the cheerleaders photo above would be “extreme” only if you’re doing basic training with the Taliban and your drill sergeant catches you with it.

And then there’s the perplexing question of how an open flame shows the quality of a sex toy. Call me an old fuddy-duddy, but I don’t even WANT to know the answer to that one!

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I apologize in advance for this one, since I know a lot of readers, even entire families, enjoy my blog while at the breakfast table.

Still, my logic is this: Nobody shields ME from this crap, so you all may as well see what’s going on in the real world, the same as I have to.

Having said that, welcome to a brand-new feature I like to call, “Hey, I’m Tryin’ to Eat my Hash Browns Here!”

I hope you enjoy it. And if you want to buy poster-size copies of these photographs for your kitchen wall, I’m sure something can be arranged.

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Competitors wrestle in the over 115 kg category during the European Sumo Championships in Renens near Lausanne August 23, 2009. REUTERS/Denis Balibouse

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Blog Guy, I have a recipe for armadillo. Do you know a place to buy good ones?

Sure, I go down to Brazil and get mine from Leonardo’s Armadillos.

Leonardo? Didn’t he used to have a shop in Amarillo?

Yes, but Leonardo’s Amarillo Armadillos got closed down for certain peccadillos.

Say no more, I’ve heard all about those armadillo peccadillos! How does Leonardo sell his armadillos?

By the kilo.

Yummy! Armadillo by the kilo! So if I go down to Brazil, how will I know Leonardo?

He’ll be smoking a cigarillo…

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Leonardo Lima da Silva, 17, offers for sale to passing vehicles an armadillo that he and his brother hunted to earn cash, near Maraba in the Brazilian Amazon region, August 18, 2009. REUTERS/Paulo Santos

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Okay group, the Rome Tourist Board hired us to crisis manage this horrible PR problem in the middle of tourist season. Their security guards are having a job action at one of the most popular attractions, the Colosseum.

Getting those protesting guards to leave the Colosseum could turn very ugly, but we’ve come up with a plan.

We’ve contacted some zoos in the area, and they are going to rent us some lions. Then we’ll send the lions into the Colosseum for a “historical reenactment” of those 2,000 year-old events we all know about.

If it’s as popular as we hope, it could be a regular attraction.

Earl, how are you coming along with the ESPN negotiations? They’re gonna have to pay through the eyeballs to show this one live, let me tell you!

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Above: A security guard demonstrates on top of Rome’s Colosseum, August 15, 2009. REUTERS/ Alessia Pierdomenico

Below left: Lioness at al Maglio zoo in Magliaso, Switzerland, in 2007 file photo. REUTERS/ Remy Steinegger

Below right: Guards shout slogans from top of Colosseum. REUTERS/Alessia Pierdomenico

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Blog Guy, I think you have been too hard on British people, what with those Twit Games and Funny Hat Day and stuff.

I agree. So to make up for it, I went to a cricket match in London a couple of days ago.

That’s better. Tell us about cricket.

They have tea, they have lunch, and mostly the players sit on a balcony, where they make phone calls.

That doesn’t sound like much action. Did you stay for the whole thing?

No, just until the first barf.

The first WHAT?

You know, after enough balcony time, eventually a player comes down and vomits on the pitch, and the inning is over.

And that’s all there is?

No, the Queen comes out too, but not until the dude is done puking.

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Above: Australia’s Peter Siddle bends over prior to leaving the pitch because of illness during the second Ashes test cricket match against England at the Lord’s Cricket ground in London July 17, 2009. REUTERS/Kieran Doherty

Left: Britain’s Queen Elizabeth is introduced to England’s Andrew Flintoff during the match. REUTERS/Kieran Doherty

Assorted players on balcony. REUTERS/Philip Brown

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Blog Guy, I went to dinner last night with friends here in Colombia. The  restaurant must have been in a skyscraper, because when we looked down, everything looked like ants!

You were looking at the dishes on your table, and they WERE ants. This is the season when they eat huge ants in various ways in Colombia.

No way!

Way.

Gulp. I guess that’s why the menu only offered two choices - the Red Special and the Black Special?

That’s right. It also explains why you didn’t take food with you on your picnic, just some “Ant Jemima” syrup. And have you gone to a movie while you were there?

Uh, yeah. Why?

When you opened your Raisinets, did they come out of the box a lot easier than usual?

Yes. I think I’m going to be sick now.

Then my work here is finished.

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Above: A man eats roasted “Culonas” ants in Socorro May 20, 2009. Every year during the April-June season, Colombian farmers and inhabitants of Santander province collect ants as part of a traditional ritual in the region. The ants are cooked and sold as exotic, specialized food.

Above: A typical dish in ant sauce is seen in the restaurant Color de Hormiga in Barichara, May 19, 2009.

Left: Farmer tosses a big pot of ants while cooking them in Socorro, May 20, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Jose Miguel Gomez

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Quick quiz: Thousands of live rats in Cambodia, shown in crates below, are being shipped to Vietnam to…

a) enjoy a getaway at one of the world’s top rat vacation destinations.

b) be used as Happy Rat Day gifts.

c) take part in a rat exchange which could lead to a foreign exchange program involving real students.

d) be eaten up by people.

Is that your final answer? Yes, I’m afraid they are heading off to be eaten.

Still, if that surprises you then I guess you missed my blog a couple of weeks ago headlined Another bowl of blood, Lonnie! Shame on you!

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Above: A boy shows off a rat he caught at Kandal province, Cambodia, May 15, 2009.

Left: Live rats are stored in Kandal province, awaiting transport to Vietnam.

REUTERS photos by Chor Sokunthea

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