Quick quiz: Well-to-do socialite Paris Hilton and this guy here are…

• Discussing if they can get to the bar in time for Wednesday night $1 margaritas.
• Singing that Captain and Tenille hit, “Muskrat Love.”
• Shooting a mouthwash ad that will only be seen in Japan.
• Flirting shamelessly; She’s saying, “I’ve done hard time, big boy, that changes a girl!” and he’s saying, “You’re a socialite? So you think the government should own everything?”
  

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Drinking red wine by the case
Along came a spider who sat down beside her,
And said, “Let me crawl on your face!”

People who want to be on the cutting edge of fashion ask me, “Bob, what’s the next big thing after carrying around tiny chihuahuas in purses, and they seem surprised when I tell them it’s a face-full of tarantulas.

We’re already seeing it in trendy places like California. It’s only a matter of time until Paris Hilton shows up at some event with a big honking tarantula covering her face, and then watch out!

There are plans to open a chain of shopping mall fashion spider outlets called “Arachnids off the Rack,” and I don’t even need to mention the most logical place to sell spiders: the Web.

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Above: Paris Hilton and her dog in 2005 file photo. REUTERS/ Shannon Stapleton

Below left: A tarantula walks over the face of owner Cody Wil in Concord, California, April 25, 2009. Arachnophiles met at the San Francisco Tarantula Society Spring Sling Fling.

Below right: A tarantula walks over the face of Al Wolf, director of the Sonoma County Reptile Rescue.

REUTERS spider photos by Kimberly White

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Judy Benjamin: I think they sent me to the wrong place.
Capt. Lewis: Uh-huh.
Judy Benjamin: See, I did join the army, but I joined a *different* army. I joined the one with the condos and the private rooms…

As a film buff, I hate lame remakes of classic movies more than anything. Well, more than anything except for dumb fashions, bullfighting, brussels sprouts, gyrocopters, clothing on dogs, Adolf Hitler…

Anyway, it appears now they’re remaking that 1980 Goldie Hawn movie “Private Benjamin,” about a spoiled rich woman who joins the army. But I’m keeping an open mind on this one, just because the casting is inspired!

Pure genius! Hire Paris Hilton, and cast her in the role she was born to play!

I’m no pushover, but one look at this studio publicity shot below and I was doubled over with tequila spurting out of my nose.

If they can just nail the part of Captain Lewis, played so brilliantly by Eileen Brennan in the original, this could be the come-from-nowhere Oscar surprise of the year. I’m pushing German Chancellor Angela Merkel for the captain role. Who’s with me?

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Above: Screen grab from “Private Benjamin.”

Below: Paris Hilton poses with members of the UCLA Reserve Officers Training Corps cadets at the First Ladies of Africa Health Summit gala in Beverly Hills, California April 21, 2009. REUTERS/ Mario Anzuoni

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Keep it coming, Blog Guy - the more photojournalism advice I can get, the sooner I’ll get my dream job.

What do you want to know today, Grasshopper?

I’m wondering about ethics and privacy. Are photojournalists expected to violate basic standards of dignity and decency? How far should we go to get THE news shot?

That’s a decision every shooter has to make on his own. You take this week, when rumors spread that Paris Hilton was in a Port-a-john. For once, paparazzi showed some class.

They did? How?

Instead of pushing the thing over, or setting it on fire, or kicking in the door, they discreetly just shot in through the open roof.

I’m guessing that didn’t really happen.

Nah, but it’s more fun than the real photo caption.

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Above: Paris Hilton in Park City, Utah, January 17, 2009. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

Below: Photographers take pictures of a mirror room created by Italian artist Leonardo da Vinci during the opening ceremony of an exhibition titled “Da Vinci - The Genius” in Budapest February 5, 2009 . REUTERS/Karoly Arvai

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I understand this is a tad anticlimactic, since we’ve already announced this blog’s most popular posts for all of 2008.

But for you folks who wager on the best of the month, and you know who you are, these were the five most popular posts for December.

Naturally I was disappointed that my post on tipping your favorite bloggers wasn’t in the top five, but the readers have spoken.

Happy New Year to all, and please remember: friends don’t let friends not read this blog!

5. Trust me, you don’t wanna see this…

4. A large coffee and 60 drums of Napalm, please!

3. Your call is important to us…

2. Palin’s a MAVRIK! What’s that?

1. Revenge of the jacuzzi floozy!

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Paris Hilton: REUTERS/Fred Prouser

Sarah Palin: REUTERS/Hans Deryk

Britney Spears: REUTERS/Fred Prouser

Jacuzzi model: REUTERS/Mihai Barb

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Blog Guy, I envy you for getting to spend  your time looking through nice photographs. What a pleasant life.

HAH! You only think that because you don’t see the pictures I’m protecting my readers from. Here’s a sampling of photos I’ve had to look at in recent days.

* A policeman passes severed heads inside the…
* Devotees sever buffalo calf’s head…
* A crocodile bites a zebra’s head as it crosses…
* Pakistani investigator takes picture of severed head…
* Paris Hilton poses during a photocall…
* Man slaughters sheep in…
* Head of sheep lies in bucket in…
* Man slaughters goat in building in…
* The body of a suspected militant lies…

These are all real. You still think this sounds like fun? Now please excuse me, I’m making some chili for my lunch.

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Paris Hilton poses during a photocall at a hotel in Madrid, December 9, 2008. REUTERS/Sergio Perez

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Hey Blog Guy, I read in a gossip column that you went on a date with Paris Hilton! Come on, spill!

Well, it wasn’t a real date. I won a chance to go for drinks with her, and it turned out pretty crazy. We had tumblers of Crème de menthe on the rocks, and bowls of free potato chips. It was hard keeping up with her!

I told her all about how to get good room upgrades at Hilton hotels, and how to hook up her DVD player to get free HBO, and stuff like that. She kept yawning, so I knew she was fascinated.

But then it got just plain weird. Without warning, Paris reached over with both hands and pulled off a rubber mask to reveal… well, actually I signed a pre-date document saying I wouldn’t discuss anything that happened. So let’s just leave it at this: I have an amazing anecdote that I’m allowed to use five years after “her” death.

Paris Hilton slideshow:

Heiress Paris Hilton appears on the German TV show “Wetten dass…?” in Erfurt, Germany, March 29, 2008. REUTERS/Jens Meyer/Pool

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Dear Blog Guy,
What’s the silliest thing you’ve seen so far, regarding coverage of Paris Hilton’s hard time in the Big House?
Just Wondering

That’s a tough call. I thought it was kind of amusing when we showed photos and video of what the bunk and toilet in her cell would look like, and I laughed out loud when I saw the murky footage of dark cars driving her to the jail. That segment resembled a Cold War Berlin prisoner exchange scene in some low-budget movie. Then there was the quote from her lawyer saying Hilton plans to use her jail time to reflect on her life and decide how she can “make the world a better place.”

But then, I came upon the photo below, of a wax museum’s model of Paris Hilton, wearing what somebody must think prison outfits look like, with a tourist posing next to it. I think that’s the one to beat at this point. Please use Post a Comment to tell us where you think it can go from here, and don’t be afraid of being too outrageous.

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A tourist poses with a wax figure of Paris Hilton dressed in prison wear at Madame Tussauds in New York June 4 2007. REUTERS/Brendan McDermid

Updated with video:

Dear Blog Guy,
Paris Hilton is going to start her jail sentence very soon, and I don’t think the public has been given enough info about the place. Can you shed some light?

You betcha. I’ve examined a bunch of our news photos from the Big House where Paris will be clanging her metal cup against the cell door, digging escape tunnels and all that other stuff prisoners do. We’ve got pictures of typical beds, typical sinks, typical reception areas and typical signs showing typical jail visiting hours. We even have a typical toilet.

Wow! Well, how would you say the place looks?

Pretty typical.

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A toilet inside a typical jail cell at the Century Regional Detention Facility is captured from a video footage taken in Lynwood, California near Los Angeles May 4, 2007. REUTERS/Reuters TV

What do we do when we want to seem smarter than we are? We use the words of people who are smarter than we are. This is no secret, because the Web is alive with quotation searches. Yahoo’s Buzz Log has compiled a list of the top 30 quote searches, and it’s fascinating reading.

At the top of the list, according to Molly McCall, is William Shakespeare, followed by Kurt Cobain and Marilyn Monroe. Moving on down, number 22 on the list of human beings we like to quote is Paris Hilton. Yes. She makes it above John Lennon, Buddha and Ben Franklin.

What does a Paris Hilton quote even look like? Here’s one: “I don’t want to be known as the granddaughter of the Hiltons. I want to be known as Paris.” There. You can try plugging that into your next speech, or else you could just stick with Shakespeare…

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U.S. socialite Paris Hilton eats a strawberry after a news conference promoting a new drink in Munich, in 2006. REUTERS/Michaela Rehle