Okay fashion show staff, times are hard, and we need to save more money.

We tried using dead models, but it turns out they don’t last long in the bright lights. We hired raccoons to do makeup, but there was that rabies problem.

Now, we think we have the perfect solution to the high cost of hair stylists: dog groomers!

People, there is no downside here. Groomers can work with all kinds of hair, they have a good repertoire of styles and they know how to deal with temperamental personalities.

Best of all, they already have all their own combs and brushes!

Let me demonstrate how this is going to work - the first batch of models is already out of the tubs and ready for the runway, so let’s have a look.

Say, is it just me, or do the models seem to be scratching a lot today?

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Top left: Model presents creation by designer Alexander McQueen at Paris Fashion Week, October 6, 2009. REUTERS/ Benoit Tessier

Top right: Briard, American Kennel Club photo

Bottom left: Model presents creation by designer Marc Jacobs at Paris Fashion Week, October 7, 2009. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

Bottom right: Toy poodle in 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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Please don’t let me be the only one who thinks this is ironic.

I’m reading financial stories this week, and suddenly I see this headline: “Credit limits, self-discipline threaten holiday sales.” Did I wander onto The Onion site?

I swear I’m not making this up. Damn you, self-discipline! Damn you, credit limits!

Like I guess nobody recalls 2009, when four billion Americans lost their homes, and you needed major clout just to get to the front of the long lines to declare bankruptcy.

Still, if this is the Orwellian logic we’re using now, I’m ready to play:

• “Narcotics enforcement, rehab programs threaten crack sales.”
• “Humane education, shelter adoptions threaten puppy mills”
• “Better nutrition, exercise threaten obesity reality shows”

Hey, this is kind of fun! Let’s see. Journalistic legwork, smart digging threaten shallow blogs…

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Above: Man wearing Santa Claus suit enjoys a meal outside a church during ‘The Festival of Homeless People’ in Berlin in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Tobias Schwarz

Left: Cast member Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy pose during a photocall to promote movie “A Christmas Carol” at the Cannes Film Festival, May 18, 2009. REUTERS/ Jean-Paul Pelissier

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Blog Guy, I took a vocational preference test and it said I should be a horticulturist. I’m embarrassed to say I don’t know what that is. Can you tell me?

Sure. A horticulturist is someone who takes care of dogs.

Really? That surprises me. I’ve never had a dog, and there were no questions about dogs on the test. Are you sure?

Absolutely. Look at these photos of the White House horticulturist with President Bush’s dog Miss Beazley, and President Obama’s dog Bo. I don’t think the White House would get something like that wrong. The word horticulture comes from the Latin root for pooper-scooper, and means  “You did WHAT in the Lincoln Bedroom?”

But this is awful! I’m all set to go off to an agricultural college in the fall!

It’s better to know now than to study for years and then wash out. You should cancel your college plans and see if this Haney guy needs any dog help.

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White House Horticulturist Dale Haney holds President George W. Bush’s dog Miss Beazley on the South Lawn of the White House, May 6, 2007. REUTERS/Yuri Gripas

White House Horticulturist Dale Haney walks President Barack Obama’s dog Bo at the White House, April 27, 2009. REUTERS/Jim Young

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I have to chuckle at the Honda folks, who have unveiled a “dog-friendly” SUV.

Honda hasn’t said how much the dog features will cost, but they’ve got a cushioned dog bed, a built-in water bowl, a bone design inside and a paw logo.

I read this story to my own mutts, Shelby and Eddie, and they’re still laughing.

My pets say if you really want car-happy dogs, here’s what you need:

• Slits in the leather upholstery; easier to take hold and start chewing.
• Lose the roof, so they can feel the breeze and let their tongues flop freely.
• Squeakers embedded in every seat.
• An interior you can hose down, much like our own living room.
• A dashboard push-button cheese dispenser you can operate with a paw.

That’s what THEY call dog-friendly! And if the Obamas are smart, they’re already personalizing the  presidential limo for their new dog Bo.

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Above: Shelby and Eddie, designing a truly dog-friendly car.

Below: Heather Cammisa with the Humane Society and a dog named Sammy demonstrate dog- friendly features. REUTERS /Lucas Jackson

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Blog Guy, you blogged about skilled services being performed by cats - like personal shopping and security. Any other examples of felines doing human jobs?

Yes, a German television news show is trying out a cat helping with the weather, as this clip shows.

Wow! How is that working out?

Not well, I’m afraid. Since domestic cats generally stay indoors 100 percent of the time, their frame of reference can be pretty limited. I had this cat’s forecast transcribed:

“The living room will be cozy tonight with a fire in the fireplace. Avoid the back door, where the cold wind gets in. Tomorrow, look for a nice sunbeam through the bedroom window…”

See what I mean? This isn’t helpful to humans who step OUTDOORS occasionally.

You’re being too hard on the animal. Was that forecast right?

I believe it was.

Well, that puts him way above the weekend weather chick at my local station!

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Blog Guy, you wrote recently that they’re starting to use cats for security jobs. Are other new uses being found for cats?

Yes indeed. Many people have started using their cats to do their grocery shopping.

Wait a minute. What do the supermarkets think of that trend?

They LOVE it! Now they can build stores with ceilings just two feet off the ground. In the Midwest, Cats ‘n’ Carts is the fastest-growing supermarket chain!

And there’s absolutely no downside?

Well, naturally some small compromises are required. You have to be prepared to have your cat bring home whatever he feels like getting, whenever he feels like getting it.

I can live with that. Anything else?

Yes. Most cats are hopeless with coupons.

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Animal trainer Karen Thomas works with Rizzo, a rescued cat, as it pushes a shopping cart at a cat show in New York, October 15, 2008. REUTERS/ Chip East

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Blog Guy, I know that President-Elect Barack Obama brought diverse groups together. What’s the oddest coalition you’ve seen from  the election?

That’s easy. In Italy, there was a group called Terriers and Roman Centurions for Obama.

Really! Tell me about that.

Well, they held a victory rally in Rome yesterday outside what looks like a run-down old stadium, and they carried authentic Italian flags, just like Roman Centurions carried 2,000 years ago.

I didn’t realize Roman Centurions could vote in U.S. elections.

They can’t, but Jack Russell Terriers can, and they take the Centurions with them to add “gravitas.”

That makes perfect sense. What is gravitas?

I was hoping you’d know. I think “gravitas” must be a Latin word meaning “cheesy plastic armor.”

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Buster, a Jack Russell Terrier, walks near the ancient Colosseum during rally by supporters of Barack Obama in Rome, November 8, 2008.

Mary Terry, of Madison, Wisconsin at the rally with men dressed as Centurions, who make a living posing with tourists.

REUTERS photos by Chris Helgren

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People, we need to brainstorm an advertising slogan for Acme Noodles, our newest client. We’re using photos of dogs lounging outside on big sheets of noodles being dried for sale to restaurants because, well, what goes together like noodles and dogs!

Here are the possible slogans we have so far:

Hey Shep, fetch me some more Acme!

Acme Noodles: trust us, you don’t want to know!

Acme: Not as disgusting as you’d think!

Acme: Our noodles aren’t yellow for nothing!

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Dogs recline on sheets of rice noodle being dried near a railway track in Phu Dien village outside Hanoi October 22, 2008. The village produces rice noodles, a staple breakfast meal, that are sold to restaurants in Hanoi. REUTERS/Kham

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It seems someone is playing a big practical joke on Barack Obama.

A few weeks ago, the American Kennel Club began a national poll where people could vote on what breed of dog Obama should get for his daughters. So 42,000 people voted, and the winner was the POODLE!

Excuse me? Do you want to see your President walking along behind a dog like this with a pooper scooper? Plus, in the famous Dogs Playing Poker series of genuine artwork, the poodles are just observers. What kind of signal is that?

I said at the time in a post called Please look at me, Senator, and I still say, the classiest thing Obama could do is give a mutt from a shelter or a dog from a rescue breed organization a deserving  home. That’s a GREAT message, and it sure beats carrying some fluffy thing named Babette up the Air Force One ramp for the next four years.

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above: Dogs Playing Poker

below: Handler runs with poodle after winning the non-sporting group at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York, February 11, 2008. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

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It seems Barack Obama has promised to get his daughters a dog after the election. You can even go to an American Kennel Club site and vote on a breed for them, in case the Obamas want your opinion. The AKC says, “presidential purebred dogs are as traditional as baseball and apple pie.”

But tradition isn’t all good. There was a time when choosing U.S. Presidents of a certain breeding, race and gender was traditional. Times change.

So here’s my vote. Win or lose, the Obamas should visit their local animal shelter or contact an online rescue organization and choose a mutt, or if allergies are an issue, a rescue dog from the breed they want.

Let them open their hearts to a loving dog who doesn’t have a home and can’t understand why. Now there’s a tradition that should be as American as apple pie.

Some shelter dogs available for adoption right this minute.

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