Oddly Enough Blog

Hey, I never said I’m proud of myself!

Blog Guy, I’ve just started a new blog, and I could use some advice from a veteran like yourself. What do you do if you want to get a lot of traffic, but you don’t want to work very hard for it?

That’s called cheap pandering to readers with click-bait, and blogging professionals don’t do it.

Yes, but just between you and me. If you wanted to pander, just once, what would you do?

I’d go for a wide audience. I’d anchor it with a really good new photo of Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge. A close-cropped face shot, just oozing with charm.

Very interesting. And then?

Then I’d raise the stakes with a panda sticking out his tongue or something very cute like that. Pandas are solid gold.

Obama’s golden opportunity?

Okay staff, we all know we’ve got a problem. The president isn’t as popular as he used to be. His numbers are down, and the Republicans are slinging mud. Anybody got an idea?

Uh, could he save a small child from a burning runaway freight train, Boss?

Hmmmm. Not bad, Lamar, but he’s done that twice already. I think he needs something different this time.

Hey Boss, it’s just a thought, but maybe it’s time to call in Brady?

BRADY! Yes! The incredible image-boosting golden retriever! That’s brilliant! Is Brady available?

Yeah, but you know Brady, he’s still making all those demands.

You’re a mean one, Mister Grinch…

Man, I hope this guy is proud of himself.

But let me back up a minute.

When I was a boy, there was a Disney movie about a plucky little terrier who went to Edinburgh with his master, who then died.  The dog kept a 14-year vigil at his master’s grave, passing away himself in 1872.

Watching this as a child required more tissues than I could even carry into the theater. The movie was called “Greyfriars Bobby, the True Story of a Dog.”

Since then, there have been other movies and books about Bobby. There is even a bronze statue of sweet Bobby in the cemetery, which I myself have visited in Edinburgh.

Now meet Jan Bondeson, a so-called historian who suddenly tells us the whole story was just a Victorian business stunt to make money.

Bondeson says the real Bobby was just a stray mutt bribed with food to stay in the graveyard, and that he really died in 1867 and was replaced by another “Bobby,” much like they did with Senator Strom Thurmond here for so many years.

Sit, Spot, it’s time for our conference call!

Regular readers know I seldom volunteer my personal opinions, which tend to be uninformed and moronic.

But just this once, I’m going to support a good idea that is coming up very soon.

Tomorrow is “Take Your Dog to Work” day. I’d rather work in an environment with dogs than in a dogless one, any day.

Oh, I’m not saying it’s the right move for everyone. If you plan on confronting riot police, you may want to leave the dog at home.

The same probably holds true if  you’re a brain surgeon, opera singer, test pilot, Mafia hit man or air traffic controller.

If your daily job involves rescuing disaster victims, helping folks with disabilities or generally making our world a safer and better place, then working with dogs may be something you already do every day.

Cutest bear on earth visits my blog

Blog Guy, have you ever done anything as a blogger that you’re really ashamed of?

Nothing that anybody can prove.

Really? Nothing?

Okay, okay, I guess you’ve heard I hired Medo the Bear Cub to do cute stuff on my blog today. I mean, we’re heading into the summer lull and I need the traffic.

I’m not proud of it. I spent most of my promotional budget for the year, but it’s worth it.

For an extra $75 Medo will even hug a dog. I guess he’s as shameless as I am.

I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore

Blog Guy, I come to you for all my news about the movie industry. I worry that the big stars are demanding so much money these days, Hollywood will just stop making new films. Is that a real possibility?

No, but we will see some serious changes. One studio has already begun making movies with pugs in the starring roles.

Pugs? You mean those funny-looking dogs?

Sure. They’ve just released a new spaghetti western with a pug in the role Clint Eastwood used to play.

Predictably, the hero dog is bound and whipped by the bad guys, but he escapes their clutches.

That sounds great! What’s it called?

And the second-best museum is…

Blog Guy, I’m having an argument with my piano tuner’s haberdasher…

My main purpose in life is to settle arguments. What is it?

We were trying to decide on the second-best museum in the world, next to your Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop, which we both agree is number one.

Anyways, is number two the Metropolitan Museum of Art, in New York City, or the Louvre, in Paris?

Sorry, I’m not familiar with those. I’m sure they’re probably both okay.

WHAT? And you’re a travel writer? Then what would be your choice?

You must be the new town crier?

Blog Guy, like many readers I rely on you for all my political news. So have the Republicans taken over control of the House yet following their victory in November?

Yes, finally, but only after petulant attempts by Democrats to delay the process.

Really? How could the Democrats possibly do that? They lost the election.

By making incoming House Speaker John Boehner too emotional to repeat the oath of office.

During the handover, outgoing Speaker Nancy Pelosi dimmed the lights and showed selected movie clips from  “Forrest Gump,” “Saving Private Ryan” and “Life is Beautiful.”

Naturally, Boehner convulsed into a sobbing heap.

Cutest animals of 2010, O come let us adore them…

Regular readers know this blog normally overflows with irony, sarcasm and the absurd, and is no place for sloppy sentiment.

Except where animals are concerned. Several times a year, I feature animal photos that I hope will bring a smile and make readers happy to be alive.

Today, to kick off my best-of-the-year series of blog posts, I’m bringing back a few of the sweetest animal shots of 2010 in case you missed them the first time around.

I hope you recognize the kittens that defined sanity, the penguin and dolphin that ended a cherished holiday tradition, and Bimas, the baby elephant calf.

Also the dog helping to raise an orphaned lion cub, the little bear who was too cute to be real, and the squirrel from the most shockingly shameless post of my career.

Canine politics, fetching and kvetching

Blog Guy, do dogs have political views?

Not all of them, but certainly those graffiti-trained dogs do.

There are dogs that are trained to spot graffiti?

They don’t spot it, they WRITE it.

They boil complex viewpoints down to some pretty simple words. Don’t get my golden retriever started on the IMF and Ireland’s economic woes…

This is incredible. I’ve never even seen a dog writing graffiti.