Hold it right there, Blog Guy! I’m calling you out on something! Yesterday, you had a supposed beauty pageant shot where the contestants were all standing in front of a faraway building. Was that the ONLY picture you had from that event?

No, of course not. In addition to the So Far Away They Look Like Ants photo, we did cover the other portions of that pageant. Have a look:

• Contestants stand akimbo in a dimly-lit interrogation room
• Contestant inspects empty office space
• Contestants jammed into Over-Capacity Glass Elevators smile as they hurtle to certain death

There, does that answer your concerns?

No, I’m also concerned you used the word akimbo in a blog where we’re never supposed to learn anything.

Well then, whatever you do, don’t click on it.

Miss Sevilla slideshow

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Top left: Contestants of the Miss Sevilla pageant wearing traditional Sevillana dresses wait backstage before a presentation in Seville, Spain, November 24, 2009.

Top right: A contestant of the Miss Sevilla pageant wearing a traditional Sevillana dress walks during a presentation.

Contestants of the Miss Sevilla pageant wearing traditional Sevillana dresses stand in elevators during a presentation.

REUTERS photos by Marcelo del Pozo

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Blog Guy, I’m back again. It’s me, the aspiring photojournalist you’ve been mentoring.

How do you keep finding me? I’ve had my death notice put in several newspapers!

DNA doesn’t lie. Anyhow, I was assigned to shoot a beauty pageant in Spain, and I wanted you to critique my photo.

Hmmmm. The pageant was in Spain, but where were you?

Morocco. I used a very long lens.

Here’s a tip. It works better if you’re in the same country as the contestants. All I see here is a building with some balconies, with shrubbery on the ground floor.

Those are the women! In swimsuits. Between the shrubs.

Let me ask a question. Why didn’t you get back even further away from the women?

Because then I would have been in Algeria. That would be stupid!

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Contestants in the Miss Sevilla pageant pose during a presentation in the Andalusian capital of Seville November 17, 2009. REUTERS/Marcelo del Pozo

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Blog Guy, prepare for your ultimate throw-down! You’re good at coming up with fantasy photos for your readers. Do you think there’s any limit to your archive?

None whatsoever.

Okay, I’m drawing random names from two different drums. One contains the stars of the old sitcom “Seinfeld,” and the other contains everybody else who ever lived. First, I’d like to see, uh, Jason Alexander, with, let’s see, U.S. Senator Richard Lugar.

Here you go. This one is from last Friday, unless you prefer one of their earlier pairings.

That’s stunning! Okay, now I want Jerry Seinfeld with - aha! - Shimon Peres, the President of Israel!

Okay, check this out.

My God! You’re diabolical! Next I want Julia Louis-Dreyfus, with former first lady Mamie Eisenhower.

Oh, sorry, only two requests per reader. I can’t make exceptions. It’s a shame, too, because that one is a real doozy…

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Above: Actor Jason Alexander (R) is greeted by Senator Richard Lugar (R-IN), ranking Republican on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, to discuss Israel and the Palestinian Territories on behalf of the ONEVOICE Peaceworks Foundation on Capitol Hill in Washington, November 13, 2009.  REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque

Below: Israel’s President Shimon Peres (R) meets comedian Jerry Seinfeld in Jerusalem, November 23, 2007, in this handout photo by the Israeli Government Press Office (GPO). REUTERS/Moshe Milner/GPO/Handout

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Hi, Blog Guy, it’s me! That aspiring photojournalist you’ve been mentoring. I’m back!

Oh good. And after I shaved my head and pierced my lip so you wouldn’t recognize me. What now?

Well, I’ve been reading a lot about the need for transparency in journalism, and I’m wondering how that applies to my work as a photographer?

Mainly it means you should shoot a lot of photos through glass. Window washers are a demographic we’re going after in a big way.

Is there really an audience for this stuff?

Sure. It must be huge, judging from the number of window-cleaning-through-glass shots on our photo file.

I hate to get pushy this early in my career, but I don’t think I want to shoot this sort of material. What’s a polite way to tell my editor?

Just say, “I don’t do windows.”

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Top combo: A worker cleans the glass roof of a tunnel linking a building to a subway station in Chongqing municipality, China, October 28, 2009. REUTERS/Stringer

A worker cleans the window of an office building in Taiyuan, Shanxi province, China, October 25, 2009. REUTERS/Stringer

Lower combo: Assorted window-washing shots, REUTERS photos

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Blog Guy, it’s me. That aspiring photojournalist you’ve been mentoring.

Like I needed to hear from you again. What now?

Well, I’m supposed to be shooting photos of great works of art, and I wondered if there are any tricks to making them look good. You know, special lighting, filters, shutter speeds, etc?

Sure. Pose a gorgeous woman next to the art.

Really? That’s the trick?

Of course. Look at this top photo. You can figure that Monet thing in the middle is worth a lot, because there’s a pensive-looking chick pondering it.

The two paintings next to it are probably crap, or they’d have chicks, too.

And this photo below, for instance. Who would bother looking at that Raphael if it didn’t have an attractive brunette there?

That’s amazing. So which do you think is worth more? The Monet, or the Raphael?

Cripes, do I need to tell you everything? The Monet is worth MUCH more, because you can see the chick’s legs, too.

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An auction house employee poses for photographers next to Claude Monet’s ‘Au Parc Monceau’ (C) at Christie’s auctioneers in London June 18, 2009.

An employee poses for photographers at the unveiling of Renaissance painter Raphael’s fresco ‘Head of a Muse’ at Christie’s auction house in London October 20, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Kieran Doherty

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Blog Guy, I represent the creative team of a big advertising agency, and we want to buy a photo for an ad campaign.

We need a poor-quality black-and-white photo of a guy standing in front of some pegboard. Preferably, he should be a suspected war criminal.

Money is no object if the photo is bad enough. We noticed you have a headshot of one of the four most wanted suspects from Rwanda’s 1994 genocide.

Sorry Ad Man, but read the fine print in the caption below: “NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS!” You think that doesn’t apply to you?

I’m sorry to hear that. What about shots of balding older guys pointing at each other and sharing a laugh? I know you’ve got some of those.

Boy, you just don’t learn, do you? No means no!

I GOTCHA! We don’t really want ANY of those, I just wanted to see what you’d say, since it’s beyond human comprehension what kind of ad campaign you think would want them.

Well, somebody must want them real bad, or else we wouldn’t use that dire warning.

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Undated U.S. State Department photo of Idelphonse Nizeyimana, one of the four most wanted suspects from Rwanda’s 1994 genocide, who was arrested October 5, 2009… REUTERS/ U.S. State Department/ Handout  FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

Dammit Johnson, now you’ve REALLY screwed up! It was bad enough a couple of weeks ago, when you let a small part of the German Chancellor’s face get in the way of a sky shot, but this one is even worse!

What now, Boss? You sent me out to shoot a profile of French fashion designer Pierre Cardin, and that’s what I did! Look, here are his hands!

Are you an idiot, Johnson? You should know that “profile” means just ONE hand!

But Boss, he had his hands tightly clasped! There was no way to get just one of them.

Sigh. I thought you knew some photographers’ tricks. That’s why you ALWAYS carry oranges in your camera bag.

You toss them to him suddenly, shout “Want oranges, Mr. Cardin?” and when he catches them, you shoot!

Wow, I should have known that one!

That also explains why so many of the great profile shots I studied on our new photo file show folks holding oranges and looking really surprised!

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Above: The hands of French fashion designer Pierre Cardin are seen during an interview with Reuters in Paris October 13, 2009. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

Right: Republican presidential nominee Senator John McCain (R-AZ) holds a bag of oranges he bought in Plant City, Florida, October 23, 2008. REUTERS/Brian Snyder

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Blog Guy, how do you decide what photos to use? I think you’re holding out on us. I bet there’s better stuff than just shots of people making goofy faces and fashion models with their hoo-hahs showing. How about letting us READERS decide?

No problem. I’ll just give you the titles of several of our photo essays from recent days, and you tell me which ones you want to see here. Just say when…

Well thanks, that sounds more than fair…

Here goes: “Swiss Air Force Performs,” “Honduras Coup: The Man and His Hat,” “Harvesting Grapes in Austria…” See anything yet?

Not yet…

Um, “Belgium’s King Albert II and Queen Paola at the Vatican,” “Eel Farming in Holland…”

Liar! There is NOT one about eel farming in Holland. That’s just your deranged sense of humor again!

Oh yeah? Check out this caption: The guts of eels lie in an eel smokery…

Stop! You win! Say, Blog Guy, you got any new shots of models in stupid-looking outfits?

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Above: Fisherman Aart van der Waal (R) drinks a cup of coffee with eel smoker Joost Kant in the southern Dutch village of S’Gravendeel September 30, 2009. When Van der Waal chose 20 years ago to fish for eel rather than join the legal profession, he didn’t expect to be told someday to make a choice between making a living and breaking the law. Fishing the muddy, shallow canals near his home for plump, fattened eels that the Dutch consider a delicacy smoked on toast or in bread - and which are eaten in stews across Europe - is no longer allowed during October and November.

Right: Vvan der Waal fixes a net at his home in the Southern Dutch Village of Numansdorp, September 28, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Jerry Lampen

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Dammit Johnson, you call yourself a NEWS photographer? I assign you to get a weather shot showing how blue the sky is today, and you come back with some lady blocking part of the view! What’s your problem?

Sorry, Boss, but she’s the Chancellor! She stuck her face in and I couldn’t get rid of her. I got as little of her as possible. There’s not even a hint that her face has a left side.

Not good enough, Johnson! Get more assertive, or next time you may come back with a photo where the ENTIRE face of a world leader is visible. Who wants to see that?

It won’t happen again, Boss. Is there anything we can do with this shot?

Yes, I’m an expert photo editor, and I’ve cropped a version we can use. Have a look. This is the kind of work I expect from you.

Wow, you saved my ass again! Thanks, Boss!

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Angela Merkel, German Chancellor and leader of the conservative Christian Democratic Union party addresses a news conference in Berlin, September 28, 2009. REUTERS/Wolfgang Rattay

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Blog Guy, I was dazzled by your official group shot of the Obama cabinet last week. Do you have any other official group photos?

Do I ever! I’m about to publish a photo book, a collection of rare historic group shots. It’s titled, “Don’t We Have Anything Better To Do Than This?”

That’s great! So you think people like those shots?

Yes. I think folks will spend countless happy hours looking at the little-bitty heads and stiff poses. This is the stuff dreams are made of.

I’m already getting goosebumps! Were there any group shots so rare you couldn’t track them down?

Only one. The legendary 1948 Santa Fe group shot of photographers who take group shots. That’s the Holy Grail.

I think you’ll have a runaway bestseller. What’s that photo in the lower right-hand corner of your combo?

That one is a mystery. Judging from the uniforms it dates from the 19th century, but that’s all I know. I sure hope nobody holds a copyright on it, or I’ll really be screwed!

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Above: REUTERS photos; upper row middle, REUTERS/Scanpix; lower row right, Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band cover.

Below: Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez pretends to take a picture during the family photo of the Unasur group summit in Bariloche, Argentina, August 28, 2009. REUTERS/Enrique Marcarian

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