Hi, Blog Guy, it’s me! That aspiring photojournalist you’ve been mentoring. I’m back!

Oh good. And after I shaved my head and pierced my lip so you wouldn’t recognize me. What now?

Well, I’ve been reading a lot about the need for transparency in journalism, and I’m wondering how that applies to my work as a photographer?

Mainly it means you should shoot a lot of photos through glass. Window washers are a demographic we’re going after in a big way.

Is there really an audience for this stuff?

Sure. It must be huge, judging from the number of window-cleaning-through-glass shots on our photo file.

I hate to get pushy this early in my career, but I don’t think I want to shoot this sort of material. What’s a polite way to tell my editor?

Just say, “I don’t do windows.”

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Top combo: A worker cleans the glass roof of a tunnel linking a building to a subway station in Chongqing municipality, China, October 28, 2009. REUTERS/Stringer

A worker cleans the window of an office building in Taiyuan, Shanxi province, China, October 25, 2009. REUTERS/Stringer

Lower combo: Assorted window-washing shots, REUTERS photos

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Blog Guy, it’s me. That aspiring photojournalist you’ve been mentoring.

Like I needed to hear from you again. What now?

Well, I’m supposed to be shooting photos of great works of art, and I wondered if there are any tricks to making them look good. You know, special lighting, filters, shutter speeds, etc?

Sure. Pose a gorgeous woman next to the art.

Really? That’s the trick?

Of course. Look at this top photo. You can figure that Monet thing in the middle is worth a lot, because there’s a pensive-looking chick pondering it.

The two paintings next to it are probably crap, or they’d have chicks, too.

And this photo below, for instance. Who would bother looking at that Raphael if it didn’t have an attractive brunette there?

That’s amazing. So which do you think is worth more? The Monet, or the Raphael?

Cripes, do I need to tell you everything? The Monet is worth MUCH more, because you can see the chick’s legs, too.

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An auction house employee poses for photographers next to Claude Monet’s ‘Au Parc Monceau’ (C) at Christie’s auctioneers in London June 18, 2009.

An employee poses for photographers at the unveiling of Renaissance painter Raphael’s fresco ‘Head of a Muse’ at Christie’s auction house in London October 20, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Kieran Doherty

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Blog Guy, I represent the creative team of a big advertising agency, and we want to buy a photo for an ad campaign.

We need a poor-quality black-and-white photo of a guy standing in front of some pegboard. Preferably, he should be a suspected war criminal.

Money is no object if the photo is bad enough. We noticed you have a headshot of one of the four most wanted suspects from Rwanda’s 1994 genocide.

Sorry Ad Man, but read the fine print in the caption below: “NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS!” You think that doesn’t apply to you?

I’m sorry to hear that. What about shots of balding older guys pointing at each other and sharing a laugh? I know you’ve got some of those.

Boy, you just don’t learn, do you? No means no!

I GOTCHA! We don’t really want ANY of those, I just wanted to see what you’d say, since it’s beyond human comprehension what kind of ad campaign you think would want them.

Well, somebody must want them real bad, or else we wouldn’t use that dire warning.

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Undated U.S. State Department photo of Idelphonse Nizeyimana, one of the four most wanted suspects from Rwanda’s 1994 genocide, who was arrested October 5, 2009… REUTERS/ U.S. State Department/ Handout  FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

Dammit Johnson, now you’ve REALLY screwed up! It was bad enough a couple of weeks ago, when you let a small part of the German Chancellor’s face get in the way of a sky shot, but this one is even worse!

What now, Boss? You sent me out to shoot a profile of French fashion designer Pierre Cardin, and that’s what I did! Look, here are his hands!

Are you an idiot, Johnson? You should know that “profile” means just ONE hand!

But Boss, he had his hands tightly clasped! There was no way to get just one of them.

Sigh. I thought you knew some photographers’ tricks. That’s why you ALWAYS carry oranges in your camera bag.

You toss them to him suddenly, shout “Want oranges, Mr. Cardin?” and when he catches them, you shoot!

Wow, I should have known that one!

That also explains why so many of the great profile shots I studied on our new photo file show folks holding oranges and looking really surprised!

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Above: The hands of French fashion designer Pierre Cardin are seen during an interview with Reuters in Paris October 13, 2009. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

Right: Republican presidential nominee Senator John McCain (R-AZ) holds a bag of oranges he bought in Plant City, Florida, October 23, 2008. REUTERS/Brian Snyder

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Blog Guy, how do you decide what photos to use? I think you’re holding out on us. I bet there’s better stuff than just shots of people making goofy faces and fashion models with their hoo-hahs showing. How about letting us READERS decide?

No problem. I’ll just give you the titles of several of our photo essays from recent days, and you tell me which ones you want to see here. Just say when…

Well thanks, that sounds more than fair…

Here goes: “Swiss Air Force Performs,” “Honduras Coup: The Man and His Hat,” “Harvesting Grapes in Austria…” See anything yet?

Not yet…

Um, “Belgium’s King Albert II and Queen Paola at the Vatican,” “Eel Farming in Holland…”

Liar! There is NOT one about eel farming in Holland. That’s just your deranged sense of humor again!

Oh yeah? Check out this caption: The guts of eels lie in an eel smokery…

Stop! You win! Say, Blog Guy, you got any new shots of models in stupid-looking outfits?

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Above: Fisherman Aart van der Waal (R) drinks a cup of coffee with eel smoker Joost Kant in the southern Dutch village of S’Gravendeel September 30, 2009. When Van der Waal chose 20 years ago to fish for eel rather than join the legal profession, he didn’t expect to be told someday to make a choice between making a living and breaking the law. Fishing the muddy, shallow canals near his home for plump, fattened eels that the Dutch consider a delicacy smoked on toast or in bread - and which are eaten in stews across Europe - is no longer allowed during October and November.

Right: Vvan der Waal fixes a net at his home in the Southern Dutch Village of Numansdorp, September 28, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Jerry Lampen

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Dammit Johnson, you call yourself a NEWS photographer? I assign you to get a weather shot showing how blue the sky is today, and you come back with some lady blocking part of the view! What’s your problem?

Sorry, Boss, but she’s the Chancellor! She stuck her face in and I couldn’t get rid of her. I got as little of her as possible. There’s not even a hint that her face has a left side.

Not good enough, Johnson! Get more assertive, or next time you may come back with a photo where the ENTIRE face of a world leader is visible. Who wants to see that?

It won’t happen again, Boss. Is there anything we can do with this shot?

Yes, I’m an expert photo editor, and I’ve cropped a version we can use. Have a look. This is the kind of work I expect from you.

Wow, you saved my ass again! Thanks, Boss!

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Angela Merkel, German Chancellor and leader of the conservative Christian Democratic Union party addresses a news conference in Berlin, September 28, 2009. REUTERS/Wolfgang Rattay

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Blog Guy, I was dazzled by your official group shot of the Obama cabinet last week. Do you have any other official group photos?

Do I ever! I’m about to publish a photo book, a collection of rare historic group shots. It’s titled, “Don’t We Have Anything Better To Do Than This?”

That’s great! So you think people like those shots?

Yes. I think folks will spend countless happy hours looking at the little-bitty heads and stiff poses. This is the stuff dreams are made of.

I’m already getting goosebumps! Were there any group shots so rare you couldn’t track them down?

Only one. The legendary 1948 Santa Fe group shot of photographers who take group shots. That’s the Holy Grail.

I think you’ll have a runaway bestseller. What’s that photo in the lower right-hand corner of your combo?

That one is a mystery. Judging from the uniforms it dates from the 19th century, but that’s all I know. I sure hope nobody holds a copyright on it, or I’ll really be screwed!

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Above: REUTERS photos; upper row middle, REUTERS/Scanpix; lower row right, Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band cover.

Below: Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez pretends to take a picture during the family photo of the Unasur group summit in Bariloche, Argentina, August 28, 2009. REUTERS/Enrique Marcarian

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Blog Guy, summer is over, and I was wondering how the tourist season treated your famous DC tourist destination, the Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop? Our family went there in July, and it was the high point of our trip.

You’re too kind. Thousands of tourists visited, leaving sticky glazed fingerprints all over our photos. Maybe we should only sell doughnuts to folks on their way OUT from now on, or at least maybe offer moist towelettes.

Good idea. Any big plans for new attractions in the fall?

That’s up in the air. I think we’ll postpone our new exhibit, “Goofy Dad: a Look at John and MacKenzie Phillips.”

Probably wise, under the circumstances. So what will you show instead?

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has been auditioning right and left, and I guess we may have to give her a chance. Every day new goofy Merkel face shots arrive, so there’s no shortage of good stuff.

That’s great! What will you call the exhibit?

She’s promised us a whole box of photos of her trademark skin disorders - poison ivy, allergies, chicken pox, so we’re thinking of calling it…

No! Don’t say it!

You’re too late. Angela’s Rashes.

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Above: German Chancellor Angela Merkel frowns during an election campaign rally in Kassel, Germany, September 21, 2009. REUTERS/ Wolfgang Rattay

Below: Assorted Angel Merkel goofy faces, REUTERS photos

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Blog Guy, as someone who is interested in government, I’m wondering if you can find me a photo of President Barack Obama and his whole cabinet together.

Heck, I can find you an OFFICIAL one! Here is an OFFICIAL photo of Obama, Vice President Joe Biden and the whole cabinet, taken just a few days ago.

What’s the difference? I mean, what’s official about it?

Well, an UNOFFICIAL one might have some bogus characters in it, like Dick Van Dyke or Urkel or Archie and Veronica, but this one is guaranteed to be the OFFICIAL deal.

Wow! What’s it cost to produce a thing like that?

A lot. There are 23 people in the shot. Say it took an hour to shoot and they make at least DC minimum wage of $8.25 an hour, that’s $189.75, plus the photographer, and the processing down at the Rite Aid.

I think you’re looking at $240 of your tax money here, but that’s a small price to pay for something official.

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Above: President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden pose with the full Cabinet for an official group photo in the East Room of the White House on Sept. 10, 2009. White House Photo/Chuck Kennedy

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People say to me, “Bob, where do you GET those danged bizarre photos you use?”

I comb our daily photo file, but the weirdest ones are served up to me on a silver platter, in an “Extreme Monthly” selection of shots hand-picked by some really twisted minds on our photo desk. Here are some caption snippets from their latest batch:

Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders line up in the end zone… REUTERS/Tim Shaffer

The founder of a sex toy company uses a lighter to burn a rubber dildo to show her sales staff the quality of the product… REUTERS/David Gray

Hindu devotee gets his mouth pierced…

Reverend Jesse Jackson is symbolically crowned Prince Nana Aka Essoin… REUTERS/Luc Gnago

Military…experts inspect the body of a man killed outside a nightclub… handcuffed to a fence and shot…

A horse falls on its rider during a national sports competition…

Brawn GP Formula One driver Rubens Barrichello of Brazil drives in the pit lane with his engine on fire…

Here’s the thing. Despite years of reading “Extreme Monthly,” I still don’t quite get what they consider extreme. I do see that Jesse Jackson being crowned a prince next to a topless woman is a little odd, as is a devotee being harpooned like Moby Dick.

But it seems to me the cheerleaders photo above would be “extreme” only if you’re doing basic training with the Taliban and your drill sergeant catches you with it.

And then there’s the perplexing question of how an open flame shows the quality of a sex toy. Call me an old fuddy-duddy, but I don’t even WANT to know the answer to that one!

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