Oddly Enough Blog

Voters are kept in the dark?

Johnson, get in my office! You call yourself a news photographer?

What is it this time, Boss?

It’s your pictures from that Republican debate! They’re too dark. I can’t even tell who these people are!

Oh. That one on top is Rick Perry, I think, or maybe Michele Bachmann. It’s not my fault, Boss. This was the debate they held entirely in the dark.

A whole debate in the dark?

Yeah, you know, some of the candidates wanted to debate on the radio, and some wanted television, so they compromised on televising it but with no lights.

WARNING: avert your gaze!

Blog Guy, as the proprietor of a very visual blog, can you tell me the easiest way to get people to look at a photograph?

Sure. Just tell them not to. It’s simple reverse psychology. For example, DO NOT look at the picture in this blog.

Okie dokie. You got it, Blog Guy.

Wait a minute! Hold on. You’re REALLY not going to look?

Of course not. I know you must have a good reason to tell me not to look, and whatever it is, that’s enough for this simple country girl.

Then you’re one person in a billion. Nobody else would…

Paris, couldn’t ya just wear gloves?

Johnson, get in my office! You call yourself a news photographer?

What did I do this time, Boss?

I sent you to cover that Paris Hilton event where she’s pushing her line of shoes, but I told you NOT to make it look like free publicity. You know, it has to seem newsworthy.

After all, she is one of the 10 most hated people in America, AND she’s just trying to sell shoes.

It was tough, Boss. Every time I pointed my camera she held up a shoe and smiled, or crossed her long legs so her shoes were in the shot. I mean, normal people don’t just smile and hold up shoes, do they?

That’s a good point, Johnson. Maybe we can go for a tragic human interest angle here. You know, we’ll say she’s deranged.

Big trouble when the chips are down?

Oh Dear Lord, tell me this isn’t happening!

I just wanted to watch some tennis, so I called the boss on our busiest day of the year and said I was sick with projectile vomiting, impacted wisdom teeth, temporary insanity and a fever of 106…

Then I got to my seat, and who’s right in front of me? The fricking PRIME MINISTER!

I KNOW the news photographers are here. Please Lord, don’t let him do anything newsworthy!

Oh NO, he’s eating salt and vinegar potato chips!  Cramming them down his cakehole like he’s going to the electric chair!

Wait! Maybe nobody will use the picture. I mean, who cares about a politician stuffing his face with greasy, high-sodium junk food? Nobody!

Act now, and get a free BONUS photo!

Blog Guy, I really enjoyed your item on Medo, the world’s cutest bear, visiting your blog a few days ago.

Thanks, that one was very popular. Readers loved Medo.

Can you give us some more pix of him?

Sure, you got it. I’ll do it right now as my Sunday blog post, and then I can go back to sleep.

Not so fast, Speedy. You owe us something more than that if it’s the only post of the day. It can’t just be more shots of Medo, no matter how cute he is.

It’s a jungle out there…

Johnson, get your butt into my office!

What did I do now, Boss? I thought I was improving as a news photographer.

You are! I see all of our clients used YOUR photos of new those tiger cubs at the zoo. It’s as if the competition didn’t even send anybody!

They did send a photographer, Boss. The tigers ate him. It was pretty gross.

And while this poor guy was being torn limb from limb, you just kept shooting the cute little cubs?

Er, yes I did, Boss.

Shooting through a glass, darkly…

Johnson, get your butt into my office! You call yourself a news photographer?

Jeez, Boss, I thought I was doing better. What’s wrong?

I send you out to cover Formula One racing over the weekend, and you come back with shots of cars?

Look at this crap! Cars having wrecks, cars on fire, cars flying through the air…

But Boss! There was a 14-car pile-up! It was a bloodbath! Human body parts were strewn like so much shark chum around the track! What was I supposed to shoot?

You simpleton! You go to Formula One to shoot the drivers’ gorgeous girlfriends in aviator sunglasses! Nothing else!

I couldn’t pick out that guy in a line-up!

Blog Guy, my favorite actor is Antonio Banderas. He is SO dreamy! I love him! Can you please, please run a photo of him in your blog for all his fans?

Sure, my pleasure. Here he is in Málaga, Spain, a couple of days ago for Holy Week. Enjoy.

Um, I hate to complain Blog Guy, but all I can see is his eyes and hair.

That’s not true. You do also get to see his finger. Look, here on the left is another shot you may enjoy more.

But there’s a microphone in front of his mouth, and he only takes up a tiny portion of the shot.

Yes, that is to symbolize how small man is compared with the majesty of Holy Week.

How’d you make out with that socialite?

Johnson, get your butt into my office! Did you shoot those Paris Hilton events?

I sure did, Boss, I just got back.

So? Fill me in. Was it newsworthy?

I dunno. She mostly just made out with some guy.

Wait a minute, Johnson. She called the press in to watch her make out?

Yeah, I thought it was kind of nervy of her. He didn’t even try for second base.

Going out on a limb for readers?

Blog Guy, are you still doing those fantasy shots for your blog readers?

Yes, if they are interesting and have some artistic value. What are you looking for?

I’d like a shot of eight or nine chicks with long, shapely legs to die for, wearing stiletto heels.

Are you out of your mind? This isn’t that kind of blog! There would be no news justification whatsoever for a shot like that.

Oh. Well, what would it take, then?

Minimum, I’ll need to have a race car in the shot, to show reflections off the polished chassis and the intricate tire tread patterns. Then it would be artistic.