Blog Guy, summer is over, and I was wondering how the tourist season treated your famous DC tourist destination, the Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop? Our family went there in July, and it was the high point of our trip.

You’re too kind. Thousands of tourists visited, leaving sticky glazed fingerprints all over our photos. Maybe we should only sell doughnuts to folks on their way OUT from now on, or at least maybe offer moist towelettes.

Good idea. Any big plans for new attractions in the fall?

That’s up in the air. I think we’ll postpone our new exhibit, “Goofy Dad: a Look at John and MacKenzie Phillips.”

Probably wise, under the circumstances. So what will you show instead?

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has been auditioning right and left, and I guess we may have to give her a chance. Every day new goofy Merkel face shots arrive, so there’s no shortage of good stuff.

That’s great! What will you call the exhibit?

She’s promised us a whole box of photos of her trademark skin disorders - poison ivy, allergies, chicken pox, so we’re thinking of calling it…

No! Don’t say it!

You’re too late. Angela’s Rashes.

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Above: German Chancellor Angela Merkel frowns during an election campaign rally in Kassel, Germany, September 21, 2009. REUTERS/ Wolfgang Rattay

Below: Assorted Angel Merkel goofy faces, REUTERS photos

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Blog Guy, as someone who is interested in government, I’m wondering if you can find me a photo of President Barack Obama and his whole cabinet together.

Heck, I can find you an OFFICIAL one! Here is an OFFICIAL photo of Obama, Vice President Joe Biden and the whole cabinet, taken just a few days ago.

What’s the difference? I mean, what’s official about it?

Well, an UNOFFICIAL one might have some bogus characters in it, like Dick Van Dyke or Urkel or Archie and Veronica, but this one is guaranteed to be the OFFICIAL deal.

Wow! What’s it cost to produce a thing like that?

A lot. There are 23 people in the shot. Say it took an hour to shoot and they make at least DC minimum wage of $8.25 an hour, that’s $189.75, plus the photographer, and the processing down at the Rite Aid.

I think you’re looking at $240 of your tax money here, but that’s a small price to pay for something official.

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Above: President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden pose with the full Cabinet for an official group photo in the East Room of the White House on Sept. 10, 2009. White House Photo/Chuck Kennedy

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People say to me, “Bob, where do you GET those danged bizarre photos you use?”

I comb our daily photo file, but the weirdest ones are served up to me on a silver platter, in an “Extreme Monthly” selection of shots hand-picked by some really twisted minds on our photo desk. Here are some caption snippets from their latest batch:

Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders line up in the end zone… REUTERS/Tim Shaffer

The founder of a sex toy company uses a lighter to burn a rubber dildo to show her sales staff the quality of the product… REUTERS/David Gray

Hindu devotee gets his mouth pierced…

Reverend Jesse Jackson is symbolically crowned Prince Nana Aka Essoin… REUTERS/Luc Gnago

Military…experts inspect the body of a man killed outside a nightclub… handcuffed to a fence and shot…

A horse falls on its rider during a national sports competition…

Brawn GP Formula One driver Rubens Barrichello of Brazil drives in the pit lane with his engine on fire…

Here’s the thing. Despite years of reading “Extreme Monthly,” I still don’t quite get what they consider extreme. I do see that Jesse Jackson being crowned a prince next to a topless woman is a little odd, as is a devotee being harpooned like Moby Dick.

But it seems to me the cheerleaders photo above would be “extreme” only if you’re doing basic training with the Taliban and your drill sergeant catches you with it.

And then there’s the perplexing question of how an open flame shows the quality of a sex toy. Call me an old fuddy-duddy, but I don’t even WANT to know the answer to that one!

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Blog Guy, I’m very disappointed in you.

So are most people. Can you be more specific?

You used to update us on Madonna and her auto in different world cities, but I’ve seen nothing for two weeks. Is her car in the shop, or what?

No, it’s still on the move, but she’s covering a lot of ground. Yesterday our plucky troubadour performed in Tel Aviv. Here’s a photo to prove it.

How does that prove anything? It looks exactly like all the other photos you’ve used.

Now you’re just stupid. If these photos really looked the same, why would we bother issuing all of them? That would be nuts!

For instance, in this photo on the right, from Budapest, the guy’s hand is on her waist, but in the Tel Aviv shot it isn’t.

Harrumph! I still don’t see why you need all those shots of the same scene.

Look, pal. You didn’t hear it from me. But when this tour is over, we’re under contract to produce a coffee table photo book called, “Madonna, Her Fancy Car, and That Dork in the Two-Toned Shoes!”

Thanks. I knew there was a reasonable explanation. I want to pre-order three copies…

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Above left: Pop singer Madonna performs during her Sticky and Sweet Tour concert in Tel Aviv, September 1, 2009. REUTERS/Gil Cohen Magen

Above right: Madonna performs in Budapest, August 22, 2009. REUTERS/Karoly Arvai

Left: Madonna performs in Munich, Warsaw, Helsinki, Vienna, Sao Paulo, Cardiff, London, Los Angeles, Mexico City, Nice, Barcelona and Rio. REUTERS photos.

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Blog Guy, recently you poked fun at the number of similar photos of Madonna from her Sticky and Sweet Tour.

Folks must have been kind of embarrassed to see all those same shots from different cities?

I think that blog item… Hold on! This just in! Against all odds, Madonna and her car have made it to Munich, as you can see in this brand new photo!

You’re not serious. That’s a new shot?

Yep, taken yesterday! But you have to understand, my last post on this was two weeks ago, from Estonia.

Two weeks? She didn’t make very good time. She must have taken a lot of bathroom breaks on the way.

Well, she also performed in Poland and Finland in-between.

But you didn’t have that same picture from those places, too?

Yes, we did. Over on the right.

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Above: Madonna performs in Munich, August 18, 2009.  REUTERS/Michaela Rehle

Middle: Madonna in Finland and Poland. REUTERS photos

Left: Madonna in Vienna, Sao Paulo, Cardiff, London, Los Angeles, Mexico City, Nice, Barcelona and Rio. REUTERS photos.

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Blog Guy, I’ve watched patiently as you’ve provided fantasy shots for a lot of readers with very little imagination. Now I’m going to put you to the test.

Very big talk, from a guy who writes in italics!

I want a photo of the Dalai Lama.

Jeez. I can get you one of those in my sleep. You want him wearing Billy Bob Halloween teeth? Wearing a mullet cut wig?

No. I want him to stick a bottle of nasal spray up his nose. And no fair showing his hands, either.

Wait! You ask the impossible! This is a major spiritual leader.

So now you’re chicken? Balk, balk, balk-balk-balk-baaaaalk!!!!

Okay, okay, I’ll do it. But that’s it. You can forget about the mullet wig!

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The Dalai Lama jokes with a nasal spray after being asked his opinion on the swine flu during a press conference after his first lecture in Lausanne, Switzerland, August 4, 2009. REUTERS/ Valentin Flauraud

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Blog Guy, I remember when you used to run photos of really cute animals now and then, to lower people’s blood pressure. You haven’t done that recently.

Nah, my blood pressure is fine now.

But what about us? Your readers? Couldn’t you just find one extraordinarily wonderful shot that brightened your whole month, and use that really big?

Okay, okay, I’ll see if I can find something.

Great! And remember what you used to say along with these photos?

Yes. If you can’t think of anyone to send this to, then you need to find new friends.

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Polar bears play in the water in its enclosure on a sunny day at Schoenbrunn zoo in Vienna July 29, 2009. REUTERS/Leonhard Foeger

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Blog Guy, it’s me. That aspiring photojournalist you’re patiently mentoring.

Yes, yes, what is it now?

I’ve been shooting a lot of politicians and government officials. Should I go for photos of them waving, smiling or what?

Combing. Folks love to see shots of officials combing their hair. If a leader is about to announce your currency has tanked or you’re going to war, his hair should look good, right?

I notice all these examples show males. Are you some kind of a sexist?

No, I just can’t find a single photo of Hillary Clinton or Sarah Palin or Angela Merkel combing or brushing, because women are smart enough to take care of that in private.

It’s only the men who think we want to see some big oily comb disturbing white clouds of itchy dandruff flakes.

I see. Is there a gold standard for this kind of shot?

Yes, it’s a shot of Turkey’s prime minister dropping his brush at a military parade while his wife looks on in disbelief. It’s the Best in Show. Look and learn.

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Above: European Enlargement Commissioner Olli Rehn combs his hair at a news conference at the Macedonian government in Skopje July 23, 2009. REUTERS/Ognen Teofilovski

Right: Assorted guys combing their hair. REUTERS photos.

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Blog Guy, my mom told me to ask you about the birds and the bees.

She WHAT?

She said you know a lot of stuff and you could explain it to me.

That’s quite a responsibility.  I checked yesterday’s photo file, which is where I get most of my information, and I think I can help you.

It turns out, bees land on sunflowers in California to gather pollen, and birds sit in nests in Belarus. Does that do it for you?

I thought it would be a little more interesting. After all, I am 26 years old!

Ah. In that case, be patient. I’m sure we’ll have some more shots of Victoria’s Secret models in the next few days.

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Above: A bee lands on a sunflower to gather pollen in Encinitas, California June 23, 2009. REUTERS/Mike Blake  

Left: A white-tailed eagle chick sits in its nest in a forest near the village of Tsemenitsa, Belarus, June 23, 2009.  REUTERS/Vasily Fedosenko

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It’s me, Blog Guy, the aspiring photojournalist you’ve been mentoring. Congratulate me, I just shot my first presidential event, and here’s my shot! What do you think?

Um, it’s pretty much in focus, I’ll say that for it.

And?

Good use of depth-of-field. I like those lights in the background.

Thanks. What else? Don’t be afraid to be critical.

Well, I was just wondering, did  you shoot from the same angle as the other photographers?

Funny you should ask. I barely saw them - they were standing across the room, in FRONT of the President, which seemed funny to me. I bet they got nothing but crap.

No doubt. You just keep doing what you’re doing. Someday this photo could be on the front of the Obama $1,000 bill. Or on the back of it, at least.

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President Barack Obama discusses fatherhood and mentoring at an event in the East Room of the White House, June 19, 2009. REUTERS/ Larry Downing

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