Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

You’ve got till tomorrow to pay up, pal…

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Blog Guy, I know you’re following the New Hampshire primary closely for your readers. All state primaries follow pretty much the same format, right?

Not at all. The New Hampshire race mainly involves a series of physical challenges between hopefuls and local voters. The one who wins the most fights wins the primary.

Wait just a minute, Blog Guy. Is that really true?

Sure. Here you can see former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney arm-wrestling a barber in Manchester. Romney beat the guy.

And here on the right is a photo of almost-candidate Donald Trump, picking a fight with a New Hampshire resident a few months ago. It’s a very brutal system.

Have you never SEEN decorations, Mr. President?

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Honey, was that the doorbell? Could you see who it is, please?

Sweetie, it’s the president!

President Obama?

Yeah. He’s here for some kind of a surprise inspection of our Christmas decorations.

Oh crap, it’s decoration inspection time already? Quick, put a plate of shiny Christmas balls on the table, and I’ll get our holiday mugs. Maybe that”ll satisfy him.

Political paraffin-alia?

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Blog Guy, this race for the Republican presidential nomination is getting pretty wild. First one candidate surges ahead, then another, then another. Now they’re saying former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is picking up support.

I think that’s probably true.

You really do? Is that based on your reading of the polls?

No, it’s based on pictures I just saw of new statues of Newt and his wife, at a wax museum.

Want something that’s bad for you, Mr. President?

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Hi there, waitress, we’re the Corkery family, and we’ll be having your family-style breakfast special, where the whole family eats for for $22.95. I’ll have the…

Excuse me, Mr. Obama, I know who you are. You’re gonna have to go ahead and pay for your own breakfast…

We need rhymers, not climbers!

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Blog Guy, I know you’ve been following Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain and his campaign, complete with that Libya video meltdown and the “Cain train,” but what do you think about his latest comment?

You mean where he said, “We need a leader, not a reader.”

Yep.

Well, it is jolting to hear a candidate say something like that, but I know he loves those rhyming phrases. It’s sort of his trademark. Here are some examples from my own wide-ranging Cain interview, conducted in my imagination…

Which job would you choose?

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Blog Guy, I need some of your famous career advice. I have a dead-end job selling lunch meat door-to-door, and I’m looking for something different.

Hmmmm. Are you willing to relocate overseas? Do you enjoy working outdoors and getting a little exercise on the job?

You got STUFF twirling in your head?

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Okay, I’m sorry, I can’t even begin to improve on this video clip.

In an interview with the Milwaukee Journal Sentinal, Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain is asked whether he agreed with President Obama on Libya.

“Okay, Libya…” Cain says, like a sixth-grader pausing before spelling Mississippi. He adjusts a bottle of water for no apparent reason.

Voters are kept in the dark?

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Johnson, get in my office! You call yourself a news photographer?

What is it this time, Boss?

It’s your pictures from that Republican debate! They’re too dark. I can’t even tell who these people are!

Oh. That one on top is Rick Perry, I think, or maybe Michele Bachmann. It’s not my fault, Boss. This was the debate they held entirely in the dark.

Stretching the truth?

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Blog Guy, you know that Dmitry Medvedev guy who is President of Russia? He’s kind of strange looking. Can you use Photoshop or something like that to distort a picture of him and make him look even goofier?

No. I never, ever use Photoshop to manipulate news pictures in this blog. It isn’t ethical.

Let’s see, governor, there’s Moe, Curly and…

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It’s supposed to be the fourth thing that slips your mind. You know, you go to the store and remember the tuna fish and floor wax and avocados, but not the toilet paper.

But ANYBODY can remember three things.

Anybody but Texas Governor Rick Perry, that is. He declared at last night’s Republican debate that he planned to eliminate three government agencies but then could only remember two of them, Commerce and Education.