Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
You’ve got till tomorrow to pay up, pal…
Blog Guy, I know you’re following the New Hampshire primary closely for your readers. All state primaries follow pretty much the same format, right?
Not at all. The New Hampshire race mainly involves a series of physical challenges between hopefuls and local voters. The one who wins the most fights wins the primary.
Wait just a minute, Blog Guy. Is that really true?
Sure. Here you can see former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney arm-wrestling a barber in Manchester. Romney beat the guy.
And here on the right is a photo of almost-candidate Donald Trump, picking a fight with a New Hampshire resident a few months ago. It’s a very brutal system.
Have you never SEEN decorations, Mr. President?
Honey, was that the doorbell? Could you see who it is, please?
President Obama?
Yeah. He’s here for some kind of a surprise inspection of our Christmas decorations.
Oh crap, it’s decoration inspection time already? Quick, put a plate of shiny Christmas balls on the table, and I’ll get our holiday mugs. Maybe that”ll satisfy him.
Where’s that damned little tree, and that snowman for the wall?
Political paraffin-alia?
Blog Guy, this race for the Republican presidential nomination is getting pretty wild. First one candidate surges ahead, then another, then another. Now they’re saying former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is picking up support.
You really do? Is that based on your reading of the polls?
No, it’s based on pictures I just saw of new statues of Newt and his wife, at a wax museum.
Wax museums don’t mess around with losers, so when they unveil your statue, you’re going someplace, like these wax figures of then-candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama at a Madame Tussauds, back in 2008.
Our captions generally describe these figures as “lifelike,” even though they’re not.
A speech is the only way Newt could get into the doors of Harvard.
Baz/Lamar 2012!
Want something that’s bad for you, Mr. President?
Hi there, waitress, we’re the Corkery family, and we’ll be having your family-style breakfast special, where the whole family eats for for $22.95. I’ll have the…
Excuse me, Mr. Obama, I know who you are. You’re gonna have to go ahead and pay for your own breakfast…
Obama? Hah! I’m Floyd Corkery, but I do hear that a lot. People seem to think I look a little like the president.
So, waitress, the rest of my family will all have the egg-white asparagus omelets, and I’ll have El Gordo, the cheese-covered breakfast burrito, with the beer batter fries and barbecue sauce, and on the side, some maple…
Mr. Corkery, will you be ordering anything for those gentlemen over there in the black suits with the sunglasses and guns?
Nah, they’re good. But look, if a muscular lady who looks like my wife walks in here, then this kid in the green shirt is the one having the burrito, you undertand?
@ifly: Did Calvin and Hobbes visit you for Thanksgiving? How wonderful that is!
We need rhymers, not climbers!
Blog Guy, I know you’ve been following Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain and his campaign, complete with that Libya video meltdown and the “Cain train,” but what do you think about his latest comment?
You mean where he said, “We need a leader, not a reader.”
Yep.
Well, it is jolting to hear a candidate say something like that, but I know he loves those rhyming phrases. It’s sort of his trademark. Here are some examples from my own wide-ranging Cain interview, conducted in my imagination…
* * * * * * * * * *
Mr. Cain, could you comment on the Occupy Wall Street movement?
Candidate Herman Cain
Has another point of pain
A new story of an affair
But, to be fair,
It was consensual and not just for his gain
Which job would you choose?
Blog Guy, I need some of your famous career advice. I have a dead-end job selling lunch meat door-to-door, and I’m looking for something different.
Hmmmm. Are you willing to relocate overseas? Do you enjoy working outdoors and getting a little exercise on the job?
You betcha! I’m not really a morning person. Evening work suits me best.
Then I may have your dream job. You should consider being one of the 44 people employed to kill rats at night in Mumbai, like these guys in the pictures.
OMG I think I’m going to barf! How do they kill them?
The caption says they use an “improvised stick,” whatever that is. Personally, if I had to show up night after night to beat rats to death, I think I’d bring a real stick, but maybe that’s just me.
@Moonshine, ok then. I am not familiar with White Plains so I will take your word for that. I will believe though that it is more pleasant than the city.
You got STUFF twirling in your head?
Okay, I’m sorry, I can’t even begin to improve on this video clip.
In an interview with the Milwaukee Journal Sentinal, Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain is asked whether he agreed with President Obama on Libya.
“Okay, Libya…” Cain says, like a sixth-grader pausing before spelling Mississippi. He adjusts a bottle of water for no apparent reason.
After making sure we’re all talking about the same Libya, Cain says, “I do not agree with the way he handled it for the following reason.” Then, amazingly, he stops himself, waves his hand and says, “No, that’s a different one.”
Libya, Herman. It’s been in the news, I’m pretty sure.
After that, it gets worse. “I got all this stuff twirling around in my head,” Cain says.
U know, seeing all these candidates, I think Obama should stay..
Voters are kept in the dark?
Johnson, get in my office! You call yourself a news photographer?
It’s your pictures from that Republican debate! They’re too dark. I can’t even tell who these people are!
Oh. That one on top is Rick Perry, I think, or maybe Michele Bachmann. It’s not my fault, Boss. This was the debate they held entirely in the dark.
A whole debate in the dark?
Yeah, you know, some of the candidates wanted to debate on the radio, and some wanted television, so they compromised on televising it but with no lights.
@unca: I think the correct response is…
See? We knew things would clear up for you.
Mazel tov on being able to sing “I Can See Clearly Now” without any irony.
Stretching the truth?
Blog Guy, you know that Dmitry Medvedev guy who is President of Russia? He’s kind of strange looking. Can you use Photoshop or something like that to distort a picture of him and make him look even goofier?
No. I never, ever use Photoshop to manipulate news pictures in this blog. It isn’t ethical.
Having said that, I did manage to accommodate your request.
That’s great! But how did you do it without violating the Bloggers’ Code?
I just needed to get the right equipment.
Say, Blog Guy, generally speaking do you think the Russians are as concerned as we Americans are about political correctness?
Boy I bet those girls will be glad when they can get THAT off their chest.
Let’s see, governor, there’s Moe, Curly and…
It’s supposed to be the fourth thing that slips your mind. You know, you go to the store and remember the tuna fish and floor wax and avocados, but not the toilet paper.
But ANYBODY can remember three things.
Anybody but Texas Governor Rick Perry, that is. He declared at last night’s Republican debate that he planned to eliminate three government agencies but then could only remember two of them, Commerce and Education.
This left potential voters wondering if he would close the Defense Department, the State Department, or what?
“Oops,” said the governor.
How hard is it to remember three fricking things?”
Ofcourse, thanks for that Spin..
I think I need to up my meddies!
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Resident Oddly Enough blog Expert
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JC: Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!
Yes, the OESU can help with stilletos on their feet and an extra pair in their hands!
I wish I could tase everyone on Reuters responsible for the demise of this blog.