Blog Guy, you must be familiar with the works of the prophetic writer Nostradamus. What was the three-word phrase which he predicted would trigger the end of life as we know it?

You know very well what the phrase is.

Yeah, but I want to see it in your blog.

Fine. It’s “turd-shaped balloon.” Are you happy?

The only reason I’m willing to use it is that it showed up in a photo caption this week, so the cosmic chain of events has now begun. We are told in this actual caption that folks in a protest march are carrying a “turd-shaped balloon.”

Where on earth do you even go to BUY such a thing?

I suppose Turd-Shaped Balloons R Us.

“So this is the best turd-shaped balloon you sell, Mr. Johnson? Gosh, it looks more like one of those swirly chocolate cones from a frozen yogurt chain.

“I don’t mean to seem critical, I’m just not sure it’s completely obvious what it is. Could you perhaps, you know… You won’t? Oh. Well, is there any way we could make the balloon stink?”

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Above: People carry a turd-shaped balloon during a march to protest against the lifting of a U.S. beef ban by the Taiwan government, in Taipei November 14, 2009. REUTERS/Nicky Loh

Below: Nostradamus portrait

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Blog Guy, prepare for your ultimate throw-down! You’re good at coming up with fantasy photos for your readers. Do you think there’s any limit to your archive?

None whatsoever.

Okay, I’m drawing random names from two different drums. One contains the stars of the old sitcom “Seinfeld,” and the other contains everybody else who ever lived. First, I’d like to see, uh, Jason Alexander, with, let’s see, U.S. Senator Richard Lugar.

Here you go. This one is from last Friday, unless you prefer one of their earlier pairings.

That’s stunning! Okay, now I want Jerry Seinfeld with - aha! - Shimon Peres, the President of Israel!

Okay, check this out.

My God! You’re diabolical! Next I want Julia Louis-Dreyfus, with former first lady Mamie Eisenhower.

Oh, sorry, only two requests per reader. I can’t make exceptions. It’s a shame, too, because that one is a real doozy…

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Above: Actor Jason Alexander (R) is greeted by Senator Richard Lugar (R-IN), ranking Republican on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, to discuss Israel and the Palestinian Territories on behalf of the ONEVOICE Peaceworks Foundation on Capitol Hill in Washington, November 13, 2009.  REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque

Below: Israel’s President Shimon Peres (R) meets comedian Jerry Seinfeld in Jerusalem, November 23, 2007, in this handout photo by the Israeli Government Press Office (GPO). REUTERS/Moshe Milner/GPO/Handout

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Blog Guy, I’m contacting you because I think you have an open mind about conspiracy theories. Am I right?

You betcha. Every nutjob is welcome here. As long as you’re reading me, it keeps you off the streets.

Yeah, I had you figured as…hey, you’re not making fun of us, are you?

Gosh no! Send me your goofball ideas! Just a sec, Charlie Sheen is knocking on my door…

Well then, are you aware of the White Hat conspiracy?

There are a number of prominent people who wear white hats as a secret sign that they’re part of the plot. Some elected leaders, that Dalai Lama guy, Brad Pitt…

I think you’re right. I’ve been looking through our photo archives, and I’m pretty sure I’ve found their leader. He was wearing his white hat all the time, long before the others started to show themselves.

Wow! Who is it?

His name can’t be said out loud, but if you’ll look to the left…

Now, if I can just get your address, to make sure the Obama Death Panels leave you alone…

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Combo top left: Honduras’ ousted President Manuel Zelaya, October 8, 2009. REUTERS/Edgard Garrido

Combo top right: Peru’s President Alan Garcia, October 22, 2009. REUTERS/Enrique Castro-Mendivil

Combo bottom left: Tibet’s exiled spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, September 30, 2009. REUTERS/Pool

Combo bottom right: Actor Brad Pitt, July 2, 2008. REUTERS/Chris Serrano

Lower left: Robert Burck, a street performer known as the “Naked Cowboy,” sings in
Times Square in New York, in a 2002 file photo. REUTERS/Peter Morgan

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Blog Guy, I’ve decided to do my doctoral thesis on the inner workings of the Maldives government. Great idea, huh?

Uh, yeah. I presume your scuba gear is all packed and ready?

Scuba gear? I can’t even swim. Is that a problem?

It might be. It seems they hold their cabinet meetings underwater these days.

They do? Why wasn’t I informed? What is the point of that?

Well, I can’t be bothered to read the photo captions, but if I had to guess I’d say it cuts down on long-winded speeches.

It also saves money by not having to pay staffers to constantly fill officials’ water glasses during meetings.

This is going to really screw up my thesis. You think they’ll keep doing this for long?

I doubt it. The current Maldives President belongs to the We Do Cute Stuff For Media Attention Party, but opposition parties are starting to make their move.

And remind me, what parties are those?

The Great White Shark Party and the Professional Harpooners Party. This could be interesting.

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Above: Maldivian Minister of Fisheries and Agriculture Ibrahim Didi signs a declaration calling on countries to cut down carbon dioxide emissions ahead of a major U.N. climate change conference in December, in the Maldives, October 17, 2009. The Maldivian president and ministers held the world’s first underwater cabinet meeting on Saturday, in a symbolic cry for help over rising sea levels that threaten the tropical archipelago’s existence. REUTERS/Maldives Government/Handout

Below: Maldives President Mohamed Nasheed signs a declaration at the cabinet meeting. REUTERS/Maldives Government/Handout

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Blog Guy, you’ve written about that Smiley Geithner guy - you know, the treasury secretary who scowls all the time. Don’t you have ANY photos of him smiling?

I’m not sure.

Not sure? What do you mean by that? It’s a very simple question.

Is it? Look at this picture we took yesterday. I mean, some people might call that a smile, but others…

Ewwwww!!!!! It’s creepy! Take it away! That’s not a REAL smile! Make him stop!

My point exactly. But I’m going to publish it for parents to use:

“Kids, if you don’t eat your peas, Mr. Tim will look in your window tonight.”

“Kids, it’s time to brush your teeth. You don’t want a visit from Mr. Tim, do you?”

“Kids, you stop fighting in the back seat right this very minute, or I’ll pick up Mr. Tim at the next stoplight and have him smile at you…”

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Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner smiles during the 2009 Reuters Washington Summit in Washington, October 20, 2009. REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst

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Okay, staff, now you’ll see why we’ve kept our newest movie release under wraps.

We think it’s going to be the surprise smash hit of the holiday season. Who can compete with “Hugo and Muammar’s Excellent Adventure”?

Think of it as “Grumpy Old Men” meets “Thelma and Louise.” Two gruff guys with hearts of gold drive from Memphis to New Orleans, to “find the real America.”

Muammar has all these flamboyant outfits, see, and sleeps in a tent, and Hugo is a chatterbox who loves fried onion rings and never stops talking.

Meanwhile, people start mistaking them for two world leaders! There’s an accidental convenience store hold-up, confusion over a colonoscopy, a hysterical scene on a Mardi Gras float…

So let’s start the screening. Watch out for the sure-fire movie catch-phrase of the year: “Faster, Hugo, eet’s time for ‘Peemp My Ride!’“

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Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez (R) drives Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi’s limousine as they arrive at an event in Margarita Island September 28, 2009. REUTERS/Miraflores Palace/Handout    FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

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Blog Guy, I heard milk farmers staged a big protest today. Boy, it’s violence everywhere, isn’t it? What was it this time? Guns, firebombs…

Milk. Dairy farmers directed milk straight from the cows, spraying it at the police.

That sounds pretty tame to me.

I’d call it udder disregard for police safety.

Now just a minute. You’re not implying that any cops were injured!

Yes. There were some brain injuries among cops who got big doses in the face.

I don’t believe that. Brain injuries?

Sure. Milk can be very dangerous once it gets past your eyes…

Pasteurized? You’re an imbecile!

Did you even read the coverage of the milk protest?

I skimmed it.

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Milk farmers spray fresh milk on riot police during a demonstration outside the European Council headquarters in Brussels October 5, 2009. REUTERS/Yves Herman

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Blog Guy, can you please help settle an argument with my girlfriend? Did Gandhi have any children?

This is what you argue about with your girlfriend? What about fidelity and commitment and toilet seats and stuff?

Nope, just the Gandhi thing.

Jeez. Anyway, Gandhi did indeed father a number of children, as you can see in this shot taken this week in Bhopal, India.

Wow, talk about your dominant gene pool. What a strong resemblance!

Yes indeed, especially considering these are all girls.

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School children dressed as Mahatma Gandhi take part in a cultural program on the eve of Gandhi’s 140th birth anniversary, in the central Indian city of Bhopal October 1, 2009. REUTERS/Raj Patidar

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Okay young man, thanks for volunteering, but do you think you have what it takes to be a pro-democracy protester here in Hong Kong?

You BET I do. I have fire in my heart!

That’s the spirit. Because sometimes you may get tear-gassed by police, or maybe even punched and kicked.

I can take it for the cause!

You may even have to go to jail.

Just give me the chance! They shall not break my spirit!

Oh, and occasionally you’ll need to put your finger up some other dude’s nose.

Excuse me, I guess I’m in the wrong place. I’m just here to pick up an order of General Tso’s chicken, with extra soy sauce…

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Pro-democracy protesters carrying a mock coffin try to cross a police line during a demonstration demanding China improve its human rights record, outside the Chinese liaison office in Hong Kong, October 1, 2009. REUTERS/Tyrone Siu

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Dammit Johnson, you call yourself a NEWS photographer? I assign you to get a weather shot showing how blue the sky is today, and you come back with some lady blocking part of the view! What’s your problem?

Sorry, Boss, but she’s the Chancellor! She stuck her face in and I couldn’t get rid of her. I got as little of her as possible. There’s not even a hint that her face has a left side.

Not good enough, Johnson! Get more assertive, or next time you may come back with a photo where the ENTIRE face of a world leader is visible. Who wants to see that?

It won’t happen again, Boss. Is there anything we can do with this shot?

Yes, I’m an expert photo editor, and I’ve cropped a version we can use. Have a look. This is the kind of work I expect from you.

Wow, you saved my ass again! Thanks, Boss!

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Angela Merkel, German Chancellor and leader of the conservative Christian Democratic Union party addresses a news conference in Berlin, September 28, 2009. REUTERS/Wolfgang Rattay

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