Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
Sorry, you’re not my type…
Hey Blog Guy, it’s me!
Who?
Me! The guy who talks to you in italics so you can carry on pretend conversations in your blog everyday.
You really EXIST? I always thought those conversations were just voices in my head.
I can’t believe you don’t even recognize me. I’ve been working for you for years, playing the dumb guy, acting the straight man in the comedy team while you got all the laughs, being annoyed by your misinformation and puns, and now that your blog is ending in a couple of weeks, you want nothing to do with me?
Jeez, what suddenly made you so bold?
Are these the missing links?
Blog Guy, I want to order one of those elaborate fantasy photos you set up for your readers. You know, the really strange stuff, like that hotel suite with chocolate furniture, and like Sylvester Stallone’s bathroom, and…
What did you have in mind?
Brace yourself. Mine involves a gigantic electromagnet, Justin Bieber, Mount Rushmore, the…
Let me stop you right there. it’s November. My fantasy photo budget is almost gone, and I can’t manage anything that elaborate.
Oh. What can you give me, then?
How about a guy drinking what looks like a bottle of vodka, with sausages hanging from his hat?
Courting the goat vote…
Blog Guy, with the 2012 presidential campaign now underway, I’m surprised nobody is covering the goat angle.
Yeah, many political writers handle that group with kid gloves, but not me, not with all of the candidates actively courting the goat vote.
Are goats interested in the issues?
Are they! You go to any candidate’s events in New Hampshire these days, and you’ll find the goats bleating about something or other.
Four years ago they went for Obama, but this time around they’re listening to the Republican candidates and ruminating.
Ruminating, huh? You’re enjoying this, aren’t you? Do they tend to vote as a group?
That’s why your a lawyer, Doc. You can twist any situation into AB/look, I’ve got abs type fantasies! That’s OK, I still like you!
Taking Siri out for a spin?
Blog Guy, I gather from your recent posts that you’re a big fan of Siri, the personal assistant on the new iPhone 4S who carries on conversations with users?
I am. I’m pretty dazzled, I must say.
So, have you gotten to know her personally?
Well, I don’t like to boast, but as you can see from this screen grab, yes. Siri sent me her personal, private phone number.
Blog Guy, you’re just pathetic. That’s one of those fictitious 555 numbers that they use in movies, which don’t really exist. Siri is just having fun with you. So, I heard a weird rumor about the timing of the release of the iPhone featuring Siri.
Yeah, it’s true. Apple released the phone a couple of weeks before Halloween so they can cash in selling Siri costumes for trick-or-treating. All the kids will be trying to look and sound like Siri next Monday night.
Hey, Dave! They designed this one with you in mind
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Q0kd5LlA Nk
Daisy, Daisy…
Playing Pachelbel’s Cannon at my funeral?
Blog Guy, not to bring up a depressing topic, but have you made plans for what will be done with your body when you die?
I’m arranging that now, thanks to several readers who sent me info about a company called Holy Smoke. They put your cremated ashes into shotgun shells or rifle cartridges, so your friends can shoot you off. Even in death, you can be helping to kill some poor creature.
Their Website says, “We offer a way to honor your deceased loved one by giving or sharing with him or her one more round of clay targets, one last bird hunt, or one last stalk hunt.”
Okay, you’re just making that crap up, Blog Guy.
No, I’m not. Whether you were a big shot or your life was just a flash in the pan, you can go out this way…
I see, now you’re just doing it for the cheap puns. I mean, this is one very goofy plan!
AllThatJazz, it’s because standing in fromt of salmon hued screen is soooo offputting!
Lemme just hack away at this gizmo…
Blog Guy, I’m looking for a new career and I know your advice is the best. I picked up a colorful brochure called, “The Exciting World of Battlefield Rocket Repair,” and I was wondering if you think that’s a good way to go?
That brochure is really making the rounds, isn’t it? I hear from lots of young people, captivated by the opening lines, “Hey, have you always wanted to see Libya?”
So, what do you think? Would I need to learn to use a lot of complicated tools?
Not really. You can see this guy in the photo working on a sophisticated Grad rocket, and he’s just using a knife.
Yikes! Using a knife on a Grad rocket? That seems pretty dangerous!
Hey, there are worse jobs than his.
uncarastus, agreed. ifly FTW.
Did anyone notice that the two gentlemen in the background of Pic 1 must have switched hats?
More jumbo gumbo, Mr. President?
Blog Guy, have you seen that amazing new book about former first lady Jacqueline Kennedy, the one taken from hours of taped interviews with her just months after her husband was assassinated?
I have, indeed. It’s a must-read for anyone who likes fish soup.
Excuse me? Are we talking about the same book?
Sure. I’m not even finished with it, and already I’m struck by her vivid chowder memories of Jack Kennedy:
“He’d come home, and then it would be fish chowder….”
“I remember we had fish chowder. You could still sit outside.”
When animals know all our secrets…
Blog Guy, my tax guy’s taxidermist told me something really creepy. He has close ties to the animal kingdom.
You mean from stuffing and mounting them?
Yeah. And he said animals are spying on humans, building up huge dossiers. He says ducks are the worst.
I think that’s a canard.
Blog Guy, are you ever going to get over the fact that the word “canard” is duck in French, but a false rumor in English?
Probably not. Look, some of this animal spying stuff may be true. It’s well known that chimpanzees conducted the 2010 census and know everything about us. Maybe the chimps sent some ducks out for a gander.
Not that duchess, the udder one…
Blog Guy, it’s me. I’m back and I need a fix. You’re the one who got me hooked.
That’s right, I need fresh pictures of a certain duchess, if you catch my meaning.
I do indeed. Feast your eyes on Chris “The Duchess” Walton, and her world record fingernails, more than 10 feet long on her left hand alone….
Are you insane, Blog Guy? Don’t play dumb with me. Does the phrase “royal wedding” jog your memory?
Oh! You bet! Here are the William and Catherine Butter Cows, on display at the Utah State Fair in Salt Lake City. The 700 pounds of butter from the sculpture could butter 23,000 slices of toast.
I hope that Duchess Walton’s bracelets have clasps and don’t have to be put on or removed by sliding them over her hands.
Armored combat for the golden prize…
Blog Guy, everybody knows you’ve campaigned against bullfighting and other forms of animal cruelty. It’s safe to say that any event involving animal combat is inhumane, right?
Pretty much, yeah…
Pretty much? What does that mean?
Well, I must admit that now and then I fly over to Singapore to watch the Giant Tortoise Carrot Fights.
Giant Tortoise Carrot Fights?
Yeah, people gather around and two massive giant tortoises go after a carrot.
“Britain’s Prince Charles gestures as he watches a martial arts display…”
Is he REALLY imitating the moves he’s watching or is he about to hide his face from an approaching child screaming “Down with the royalty”?
Prince Charles makes gestures
while children practice kung fu:
He’s a quick learner!
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Resident Oddly Enough blog Expert
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Geez, earlier today I wrote I couldn’t pinpoint a favourite blog but I absolutely loved this one! I want to drive this point Home, this blog shouldn’t be Deleted, it’s a way for many of us to Escape the mundane routine of work and have a few laughs. Who’s in Control at Reuters? They should (caps)lock the dude and Ctrl+Alt+Del his system, this blog should stay, not End this way! I’d understand a Pause, or a Break, but not a Shift to a new direction. In case you’re keeping Tabs, I haven’t used all the keys on the keyboard yet, I’ll leave out a few to give the rest of you some Space to work. Oh, bugger, I didn’t meant to take that one too, Sorry.