Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Sorry, you’re not my type…

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Hey Blog Guy, it’s me!

Who?

Me! The guy who talks to you in italics so you can carry on pretend conversations in your blog everyday.

You really EXIST? I always thought those conversations were just voices in my head.

I can’t believe you don’t even recognize me. I’ve been working for you for years, playing the dumb guy, acting the straight man in the comedy team while you got all the laughs, being annoyed by your misinformation and puns, and now that your blog is ending in a couple of weeks, you want nothing to do with me?

Jeez, what suddenly made you so bold?

Bold? Really? Typeface humor? Not that you care, but italic type was first used in 1501.

Are these the missing links?

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Blog Guy, I want to order one of those elaborate fantasy photos you set up for your readers. You know, the really strange stuff, like that hotel suite with chocolate furniture, and like Sylvester Stallone’s bathroom, and…

What did you have in mind?

Brace yourself. Mine involves a gigantic electromagnet, Justin Bieber, Mount Rushmore, the…

Courting the goat vote…

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Blog Guy, with the 2012 presidential campaign now underway, I’m surprised nobody is covering the goat angle.

Yeah, many political writers handle that group with kid gloves, but not me, not with all of the candidates actively courting the goat vote.

Taking Siri out for a spin?

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Blog Guy, I gather from your recent posts that you’re a big fan of Siri, the personal assistant on the new iPhone 4S who carries on conversations with users?

I am. I’m pretty dazzled, I must say.

So, have you gotten to know her personally?

Well, I don’t like to boast, but as you can see from this screen grab, yes. Siri sent me her personal, private phone number.

Playing Pachelbel’s Cannon at my funeral?

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Blog Guy, not to bring up a depressing topic, but have you made plans for what will be done with your body when you die?

I’m arranging that now, thanks to several readers who sent me info about a company called Holy Smoke. They put your cremated ashes into shotgun shells or rifle cartridges, so your friends can shoot you off. Even in death, you can be helping to kill some poor creature.

Lemme just hack away at this gizmo…

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Blog Guy, I’m looking for a new career and I know your advice is the best. I picked up a colorful brochure called, “The Exciting World of Battlefield Rocket Repair,” and I was wondering if you think that’s a good way to go?

That brochure is really making the rounds, isn’t it? I hear from lots of young people, captivated by the opening lines, “Hey, have you always wanted to see Libya?”

More jumbo gumbo, Mr. President?

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Blog Guy, have you seen that amazing new book about former first lady Jacqueline Kennedy, the one taken from hours of taped interviews with her just months after her husband was assassinated?

I have, indeed. It’s a must-read for anyone who likes fish soup.

Excuse me? Are we talking about the same book?

Sure. I’m not even finished with it, and already I’m struck by her vivid chowder memories of Jack Kennedy:

When animals know all our secrets…

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Blog Guy, my tax guy’s taxidermist told me something really creepy. He has close ties to the animal kingdom.

You mean from stuffing and mounting them?

Yeah. And he said animals are spying on humans, building up huge dossiers. He says ducks are the worst.

Not that duchess, the udder one…

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Blog Guy, it’s me. I’m back and I need a fix. You’re the one who got me hooked.

Hooked? Oh, you mean….

That’s right, I need fresh pictures of a certain duchess, if you catch my meaning.

Armored combat for the golden prize…

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Blog Guy, everybody knows you’ve campaigned against bullfighting and other forms of animal cruelty. It’s safe to say that any event involving animal combat is inhumane, right?

Pretty much, yeah…

Pretty much? What does that mean?

Well, I must admit that now and then I fly over to Singapore to watch the Giant Tortoise Carrot Fights.