Blog Guy, do our presidential candidates have any supporters in other countries?

Yes, I checked it out, and there is a very active group called Spain for McCain.

You didn’t check anything out. You just wanted to use that headline, didn’t you?

Maybe. But there is also an active Democratic group closer to our shores, in Nassau.

This better not be more of your juvenile garbage. What is it called?

Bahama for Obama.

That’s it! I’m never coming back here!

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Members of the “Spain for McCain” platform with a cardboard cutout of Republican presidential candidate John McCain in Madrid September 4, 2008. REUTERS/Susana Vera

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You know, if you look at pictures of Olympic events from past years, there’s a certain comfortable continuity. The tools of the sport - swimming pools, hurdles - look pretty much the same…

Except, what the frick are those guys using in the archery event? Those gizmos look like Inspector Gadget teamed up on a science project with Rube Goldberg!

Robin Hood managed to become legendary with a hand-crafted yew bow, and if he landed at the archery event in Beijing today, he wouldn’t have a clue what was going on.

Then again, with his criminal record and his issues with authority, I guess Robin would have more to worry about than the shape of longbows.

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left: Yun Ok-hee of South Korea at Beijing Olympic Games, August 10, 2008.

right: Sky Kim Ha-neul of Australia at Beijing Olympic Games, August 9, 2008.

   REUTERS photos by Ruben Sprich

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Okay folks, we have to come up with a festival to attract tourists, and pretty much everything has already been taken. Other towns have claimed every crop, animal, saint and body part, so we need some brainstorming. Some serious navel gazing.

Hey! Navel gazing! You thinking what I’m thinking?  How about a Bellybutton Festival! There would be instant interest, because lots of folks have navels. What? EVERYBODY has one? Well that’s even better!

Who doesn’t enjoy seeing a bunch of  freakishly fat guts with faces painted on them? It’ll be like Carnival in Rio, but you know, with less samba dancing.

And the best thing is, we’ll no longer depend on overflow from that Large Intestine Festival over in the next town. It’s time to cut the cord!

Belly button video and story

Painted stomachs at the Bellybutton Festival in Shibukawa, Japan, July 26, 2008. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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For the second time in a week, I’m presenting Things Maybe We Should Have Explained in a Caption, but Didn’t.

I have no choice, what with finding photos of a stage drama in which the caption tells us an actor is “dressed in meat.” Say what?

Don’t worry, I’m not going to stoop to awful word-play, like meaty role, a rare performance, the play was well done, he butchered the part… I do have some dignity, you know.

But I will say two things here. First, I suggest you see this play as close to opening night as possible, because those costumes won’t improve with age, if you take my meaning. And second, if my dogs ever get tickets to this play, it will not be a pretty sight.

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Actor Mislav Cavajda, dressed in meat, performs in the drama the “Bakhe” during Split summer festivities in Croatia, July 19, 2008. REUTERS/Stringer

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Blog Guy, I read your post about the G8 Summit yesterday. I heard that two of the leaders did a famous comedy routine. Could that be true?

Sort of. President Bush tried to teach a variation of the famous Abbott and Costello ”Who’s on first?” sketch to China’s President Hu. But when they did the bit live, Bush asked, ”Who’s on first?” and Hu just said “I am?” It went downhill from there.

Actually, the big hit at G8 Comedy Sketch Night was French President Sarkozy trying to do a fist bump with Brazil’s president. It brought down the house.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy (L) welcomes Brazil’s President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva to a photo opportunity at the G8 Summit in Toyako, Japan, July 9, 2008.

U.S. President George W. Bush laughs with Chinese President Hu Jintao at the Summit, July 9, 2008.

REUTERS photos by Jim Young

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Blog Guy, since this is July 4th, could you tell us what the Declaration of Independence was about?

Sure. It was about cheese, as you can see in this one-ton cheese statue of the signing.

Cheese? I thought it was about tea or taxes or something like that.

Nope. Our Founding Fathers got together at the Philadelphia Cream Cheese factory as a publicity stunt to promote snack crackers. If you look closely you’ll see the now-famous Cheez-It name.

I think this is more of your stupidity. What hotel did the Founding Fathers use?

The Stilton Hilton.

You’re a moron. Why do I keep coming back here?

Well, it’s as gouda blog as any!

The signing of the Declaration of Independence carved out of 2000 pounds of cheese, in New York, July 3, 2008. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

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A frequent theme here is the sad plight of places that have no cable television, and must resort to other forms of entertainment. I’ve reported on singing dingos, sofa races and worse. But now, I may have hit rock bottom. 

In Russia, they just unveiled a bronze monument to, uh, the enema. I am not making this up. A health spa specializing in illnesses of the digestive tract commissioned a $42,000 statue of cherubs carrying an enema syringe. When balloons lifted a red drape into the sky this week, there it was. 

Here are the photos from behind enema lines, so to speak. Let’s face it, we’re all wondering the same things: what on EARTH do they sell in their gift shop, and how can I get a t-shirt?

The artist was inspired by a classic Botticelli painting, and she says she sees irony in the work. I guess maybe she should call the thing ”The Ironic Colonic.” Thanks, I’ll be here all week.

Related, sort of: With trends like these, who needs enemas?

A monument to the enema device is revealed at a hospital in the settlement of Inozemtsevo in the Stavropol region June 18, 2008. The monument to the medical instrument used to introduce liquids into the body via the anus is the only one of its kind in Russia, the hospital said. REUTERS/ Eduard Korniyenko

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From Scotland comes news that a fashion designer is selling bikinis made from salmon skin. I’m serious. I have to ask whether this is a great idea.

For starters, there’s the smell. No matter how sexy a bikini is, the lingering scent of Evening on Fisherman’s Wharf is not a turn-on for most guys.

There is also the danger factor, when a chick takes the bikini for a test run in the ocean. You look up salmon predators online, and up pop things like sharks, lamprey eels and 700-pound sea lions. Watching a woman emerge from the water with a big, sucking, lamprey dangling from her stomach is not a vacation highlight in my book.

But there just may be an upside. Salmon predators also include large, persistent birds who swoop from nowhere and won’t take no for an answer. “My God, Tiffany! That condor is pulling at your bikini - for your own safety, just let him have it!”

Related post: News is skimpy on the bikini beat

A model poses in a salmon-skin bikini from Chilean fashion designer Claudia Escobar’s luxury clothing line in this undated handout photograph.

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Blog Guy, I know you’ve written about those crazy German highways with no speed limits. I recently heard that they even let dogs drive. My friend saw one smoking a big cigar and driving 140 miles an hour!

Sounds like he saw the Stogie Doggies of Dortmund, among the worst of the dog gangs.

Uh, you mean there are more?

Oh sure. That country has a canine gang war problem like you wouldn’t believe. I’m talking about the Burger Kings of Hamburg, the Hot Dogs of Frankfurt, the Smelly Shi Tsus of Cologne, the Bad Bad Barkers of Baden-Baden…

Bad Bad Barkers of Baden-Baden? Now that’s just silly!

Yeah? I wouldn’t let a Barker hear you say that.

A French bulldog has a mock up of a cigar in its mouth as it sits in a toy car during a dog show in Dortmund, Germany, May 2, 2008. REUTERS/ Ina Fassbender

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Blog Guy, I’m new here, and my donkey has a bad toothache. Can you recommend a dentist?

Welcome to Arizona. I checked your policy, and your donkey is only covered for dental work if it’s done by a puma. That’d be old Doc Cougar, up on the hill.

Doc Cougar, huh? Guess I better haul my ass up there.

Hey, we don’t use language like that… Oh. You meant your donkey…

Yep. So this Doc Cougar. He’s the only puma in Yuma?

Heck, he’s the only puma from Yuma to Montezuma!

Related post: Off limits! Get your pogo out of the no-go!

The sculpture ‘Puma-Dentist’ made with plastic, wax and original heads by Austrian artist Deborah Sengl, at an exhibition in Berlin April 15, 2008. REUTERS/ Fabrizio Bensch

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