Blog Guy, I’m outraged. Connect me to your blog’s complaint department!

Hello, this is the Odd Blog Complaint Department. Your call is important to us…

Look here, I think this Basler guy ran a photo of Usain Bolt and a cheetah cub for the SOLE purpose of justifying a cheap pun headline playing off of a hit song from 1966!

I see. And you somehow expected more from this blog?

Yes. Usually Bob would only use a cheetah picture if the animal was pooping or something like that.

Let me get this straight. You’d LIKE to see a photo of a pooping cheetah?

Um, yes. That’s the main reason most of us come to this blog.

Okay then, ma’am. Because we care about customer satisfaction, here you go.

Wow! I AM satisfied. I’ll be back soon, and I’ll bring my friends! Tell Bob thanks a lot!

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Above: Olympic and world champion sprinter Usain Bolt from Jamaica holds a three-month-old male cheetah cub at the Kenya Wildlife Service headquarters in Nairobi, November 2, 2009. Bolt adopted the cheetah cub named “Lightning Bolt” during the launch of the Animal Adoption Programme “Namayiana” at the Nairobi Animal Orphanage.

Below: A cheetah relieves itself in its cage at the KWS headquarters.

REUTERS photos by Thomas Mukoya

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Blog Guy, a couple of weeks ago you featured a rebus in your blog. How about another one?

Rebus? You mean that Roman guy who was the brother of Romulus?

No, you dimwit. Not Remus, REBUS!

Oh, you mean Uncle Rebus, that guy with the “Br’er Rabbit” stories.

You really are a simpleton! That’s Uncle Remus. I’m talking about a rebus, which is a puzzle where pictures suggest a word or a phrase. You did one, and it was fun.

Well, who knew there was a word for it? Okay, I have some photos here I’m not using for anything, so let’s see if my readers can solve the puzzle.

But the answer better not be “briar patch,” because that would make me right about Uncle Rebus!

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Combo left: A barman holds up a bottle of Absinthe in a 1998 file photo. Absinthe, a highly potent form of alcohol, was banned in the United States and most of Western Europe in the early 90’s. REUTERS/Kieran Doherty

Combo center: A vendor in a chocolate shop holds up Belgian praline boxes made for Valentine’s Day in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Yves Herman   (BELGIUM)

Combo right: Actor Peter Fonda poses for a portrait on a replica of the “Captain America” bike in Glendale, California October 23, 2009. Fonda was promoting the recent release on blu-ray disk of the 1969 movie “Easy Rider” on its 40th anniversary. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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Blog Guy, I need to get some medical advice from you in the strictest confidence. I am a very famous person. You may just call me Ronaldo.

Ah. You’re that guy from the big hamburger franchise? You ARE famous!

No. That would be Ronald McDonald. I myself am RONALDO, a huge soccer star, but I have injured my ankle. I need to play again soon. What do you recommend?

Get yourself some shamans - you know, magic guys. One of them should look like Muammar Gaddafi. The other one should have a dead rodent hanging from his neck.

A dead rodent… Hanging by what?

By what? By a Dead Rodent Strap, silly. What else would he use? They sell ‘em at Radio Shack.

Then what do the shamans do?

They get together this evening, holding a photo of you and some eyes and a skull and a gingerbread man cookie, and they chant.

Where did you learn all this stuff?

From a song in the musical, “South Pacific.”

Oh please don’t go where I think you’re going. What’s the song called?

“Shaman Chanted Evening,” of course.

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Peruvian shamans holding a poster of Portuguese soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo walk to perform a ritual in front of the Spanish Embassy in Lima October 19, 2009. The Peruvian shamans gathered outside the Spanish Embassy in Lima on Monday to channel their energies into fighting and removing what they say is a hex on Real Madrid forward Ronaldo, who is currently sidelined with an injured ankle. REUTERS/Mariana Bazo

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Blog Guy, I heard milk farmers staged a big protest today. Boy, it’s violence everywhere, isn’t it? What was it this time? Guns, firebombs…

Milk. Dairy farmers directed milk straight from the cows, spraying it at the police.

That sounds pretty tame to me.

I’d call it udder disregard for police safety.

Now just a minute. You’re not implying that any cops were injured!

Yes. There were some brain injuries among cops who got big doses in the face.

I don’t believe that. Brain injuries?

Sure. Milk can be very dangerous once it gets past your eyes…

Pasteurized? You’re an imbecile!

Did you even read the coverage of the milk protest?

I skimmed it.

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Milk farmers spray fresh milk on riot police during a demonstration outside the European Council headquarters in Brussels October 5, 2009. REUTERS/Yves Herman

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Blog Guy, my friends and I dress up like knights in medieval costumes. Armor, swords, lances. We re-enact battles and stuff.

So what?

The thing is, our wives want to recreate the way the ladies looked, but we don’t know what they wore.

They wore dresses, stupid! You never heard the expression, “a damsel in dis dress?”

Thanks! And what about shoes, like stilettos for fancy occasions?

The knights were always armed, even on dates, and their armorers made shoes for the ladies. This photo below shows stylish shoes covered in chain mail.

Chain mail? You mean like, “send this letter to ten friends or you’ll have bad luck”? That’s very helpful! but WHY did the knights go on dates armed?

Before a date, damsels would tell the knights to “bring protection,” and that’s how they showed up. They weren’t exactly the brightest piles of iron on the scrapheap.

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Two medieval knights fight during a photocall for a museum exhibition in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/ David Moir

A model presents a creation as part of Versus Spring/ Summer 2010 women’s collection during Milan Fashion week September 27, 2009. REUTERS/Stefano Rellandini

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Blog Guy, I read about a vocational training program for Afghan citizens. It sounds so strange I don’t even want to repeat it here…

I suspect you mean the Kabul-Capades, an ice skating extravaganza the U.S. is putting together so Afghanis will have real jobs after the war. As you can see, the basics of a good routine are being taught even before they put on skates.

How many new Afghan ice spectaculars does the U.S. think the world needs?

It isn’t JUST ice skating, silly! There’s a bluegrass music troupe called the Tali-Banjos. And the likely loser in the recent Afghan election will tour as Abdullah Abdullah’s Juggler Jugglers….

Hmmm. That does sound good. Can I buy a season ticket to get me into ALL the shows?

Sure. It’s called the…

No! Wait!

Too late. It’s called the Khyber Pass…

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Left: Skaters perform in a 1998 file photo. REUTERS/Andy Clark

Right: A U.S Marine searches an Afghan man for weapons near the town of Khan Neshin in Rig district of Helmand province, September 8, 2009. REUTERS/ Goran Tomasevic

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Blog Guy, I need your business advice, quickly! I know this is gonna sound like one of those people who see the Virgin Mary’s face on a Ritz cracker or something, but…

I’m in Taiwan, and I got a latte at my hotel, and I swear I saw the image of the Dalai Lama IN THE FOAM ON TOP.

I want to sell this on eBay. I’ve stored it in my safe-deposit box at the front desk. How much should I ask for it?

Oh, maybe about $3.65. The Dalai Lama has been staying at the same hotel, and they’re producing a signature latte with his sculpture in foam on top. You’re not the only person who has one.

Oh crap! So do I still have a chance to sell it?

Sure. Like they say, “Better latte than never….”

Video of foam sculpture

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Above: A “Dalai Latte” named after exiled Tibetan spiritual leader the Dalai Lama is prepared inside the hotel where he is staying in Kaohsiung, southern Taiwan September 2, 2009. REUTERS/Garden Villa/Handout

Below: The Dalai Lama speaks to followers during a mass prayer session, September 1, 2009. REUTERS/Nicky Loh

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Blog Guy, I have a recipe for armadillo. Do you know a place to buy good ones?

Sure, I go down to Brazil and get mine from Leonardo’s Armadillos.

Leonardo? Didn’t he used to have a shop in Amarillo?

Yes, but Leonardo’s Amarillo Armadillos got closed down for certain peccadillos.

Say no more, I’ve heard all about those armadillo peccadillos! How does Leonardo sell his armadillos?

By the kilo.

Yummy! Armadillo by the kilo! So if I go down to Brazil, how will I know Leonardo?

He’ll be smoking a cigarillo…

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Leonardo Lima da Silva, 17, offers for sale to passing vehicles an armadillo that he and his brother hunted to earn cash, near Maraba in the Brazilian Amazon region, August 18, 2009. REUTERS/Paulo Santos

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Blog Guy, I’m afraid this suicide bomb trend is spreading, and it scares me.

Me too. There are way too many kinds of explosive gadgets. I saw this photo of a woman wearing a device made of an alarm clock and sausages.

Sausages? They don’t even explode, do they?

Sure. In many parts of the world they’re also called bangers.

But if you look at the real caption, you’ll see she’s actually protesting on the right side of an issue.

Maybe, but she could still have terrorist links…

Links? LINKS? I get it, Blog Guy. You’ve hit rock bottom.

I know, but it’s a Saturday in August. So if you want frank news in the wurst way, look no furter….

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Activist wearing belt with sausages and an alarm clock takes part in rally protesting Afghanistan’s “Family Law,” in Kiev, August 21, 2009. Afghan authorities passed a law allowing men to deny their wives food if they refuse to obey their husbands’ sexual demands. REUTERS/Konstantin Chernichkin

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Hey Blog Guy, sometimes I see funny stuff in the news and I’m sure you’ll use it in your blog, but then you don’t. Do you take bribes to ignore certain things?

Well sure, but folks don’t try to bribe me nearly often enough, even though it’s not hard to do. The truth is, I ignore some stuff because it’s just too obvious, and I do have some pride.

For instance, see this shot below of President Obama? It’s a very funny photo, so I didn’t use it. I’ll leave it to the hacks.

And then there was a story about a widow selling her husband’s burial spot directly above Marilyn Monroe’s crypt. Give me a break.

Sure, some guys went with headlines like Want to Lie with Marilyn Monroe Forever? or The Long Sleep, with Marilyn Monroe… Let ‘em do that if they want.

But you won’t see some cheesy Monroe movie reference like “Gentlemen Prefer Bones” under some smirking double entendre headline here, not as long as Bob Basler is doing this blog!

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Above: The crypts of Marilyn Monroe and Richard Poncher are pictured in Westwood, California August 17, 2009. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

Below: President Barack Obama presents the Medal of Freedom to Joe Medicine Crow - High Bird during a ceremony in the East Room at the White House, August 12, 2009. REUTERS/Jim Young

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