Blog Guy, you seem to know a lot about nature. Can swans fly?

No. They can neither fly nor swim.

What? Hold on, I’ve SEEN swans swimming in lakes and rivers and stuff!

No, you’ve seen swans, which have very long legs, PRETENDING to swim. Mostly, though, they prefer to travel by boat.

Is that right? And where are they going in these photos?

Well, first they’re going to the doctor, and then for a treat they’re going to the ballet.

Which ballet?

“Swan Lake,” of course.

Sigh. I know I’ll regret asking this, but why are they going to the doctor?

Don’t you read the papers? It’s time for swan flu vaccinations

Blog Guy, that’s moronic even by your standards.

Yeah, but I have tickets to a good show, so this will have to be my…

No! Don’t say it!

Swan song…

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Swan keeper Olaf Niess watches swans sitting in boats after he and council workers rounded up them from Hamburg’s inner city lake Alster November 23, 2009. Every year the swans are collected from waterways around the northern German city of Hamburg and taken to winter quarters where they are fed and cared for until the spring. REUTERS/Christian Charisius

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Blog Guy, I need Christmas gift shopping advice for my boyfriend. I want something really special. Help!

How about a new Beamer?

No, he already drives a Lexus and loves it.

Not a Bemer, a BEAMER! The hot new gadget this season is the Bikini Beamer 3000, which beams bikini-clad models right to his bachelor pad, in minutes.

LIVE women?

Sure. I think it would be pretty sick to beam in dead ones.

Gosh, I think my boyfriend would really like one of those. Bikini Beamer 3000, huh? Is it sold under any other name?

Well, since the photo caption says this model’s name is Virginia Labrador, I suppose it might also be called a…

No! Don’t go there, Blog Guy! Please!

A Labrador Retriever….

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Virginia Labrador as a contestant in the Miss Sevilla pageant, poses during a presentation in the Andalusian capital of Seville, Spain, November 17, 2009. REUTERS/Marcelo del Pozo

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First, I want to thank all you doctors for coming to this Humiliation Committee meeting to discuss our problem today. I know it’s a Thursday, so you should be enjoying a four-day weekend, as usual.

But it has come to our attention that the good old-fashioned butt check - and you all know what that involves - just doesn’t seem as demeaning and degrading as it used to.

I don’t know, maybe the lubricant got too good and it’s over too quickly. Maybe guys are just getting used to it. Heck, maybe we’re making it too much fun.

Anyway, what the committee has come up with is, we’re now going to have a nurse take PHOTOS of the procedure, just to turn up the mortification a notch or two.

What? Herb, that’s a BRILLIANT improvement! Yes, we COULD shoot video of it and post it on YouTube!

So we’ll start next week. Hah! These poor saps don’t know DEMEANING of the word Humiliation yet! Get it? Demeaning? I swear, I should be doing stand-up!

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A man goes through a medical examination for the People’s Liberation Army in Hefei, Anhui province, November 1, 2009. REUTERS/Stringer

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Blog Guy, I’m outraged. Connect me to your blog’s complaint department!

Hello, this is the Odd Blog Complaint Department. Your call is important to us…

Look here, I think this Basler guy ran a photo of Usain Bolt and a cheetah cub for the SOLE purpose of justifying a cheap pun headline playing off of a hit song from 1966!

I see. And you somehow expected more from this blog?

Yes. Usually Bob would only use a cheetah picture if the animal was pooping or something like that.

Let me get this straight. You’d LIKE to see a photo of a pooping cheetah?

Um, yes. That’s the main reason most of us come to this blog.

Okay then, ma’am. Because we care about customer satisfaction, here you go.

Wow! I AM satisfied. I’ll be back soon, and I’ll bring my friends! Tell Bob thanks a lot!

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Above: Olympic and world champion sprinter Usain Bolt from Jamaica holds a three-month-old male cheetah cub at the Kenya Wildlife Service headquarters in Nairobi, November 2, 2009. Bolt adopted the cheetah cub named “Lightning Bolt” during the launch of the Animal Adoption Programme “Namayiana” at the Nairobi Animal Orphanage.

Below: A cheetah relieves itself in its cage at the KWS headquarters.

REUTERS photos by Thomas Mukoya

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Blog Guy, a couple of weeks ago you featured a rebus in your blog. How about another one?

Rebus? You mean that Roman guy who was the brother of Romulus?

No, you dimwit. Not Remus, REBUS!

Oh, you mean Uncle Rebus, that guy with the “Br’er Rabbit” stories.

You really are a simpleton! That’s Uncle Remus. I’m talking about a rebus, which is a puzzle where pictures suggest a word or a phrase. You did one, and it was fun.

Well, who knew there was a word for it? Okay, I have some photos here I’m not using for anything, so let’s see if my readers can solve the puzzle.

But the answer better not be “briar patch,” because that would make me right about Uncle Rebus!

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Combo left: A barman holds up a bottle of Absinthe in a 1998 file photo. Absinthe, a highly potent form of alcohol, was banned in the United States and most of Western Europe in the early 90’s. REUTERS/Kieran Doherty

Combo center: A vendor in a chocolate shop holds up Belgian praline boxes made for Valentine’s Day in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Yves Herman   (BELGIUM)

Combo right: Actor Peter Fonda poses for a portrait on a replica of the “Captain America” bike in Glendale, California October 23, 2009. Fonda was promoting the recent release on blu-ray disk of the 1969 movie “Easy Rider” on its 40th anniversary. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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Blog Guy, I need to get some medical advice from you in the strictest confidence. I am a very famous person. You may just call me Ronaldo.

Ah. You’re that guy from the big hamburger franchise? You ARE famous!

No. That would be Ronald McDonald. I myself am RONALDO, a huge soccer star, but I have injured my ankle. I need to play again soon. What do you recommend?

Get yourself some shamans - you know, magic guys. One of them should look like Muammar Gaddafi. The other one should have a dead rodent hanging from his neck.

A dead rodent… Hanging by what?

By what? By a Dead Rodent Strap, silly. What else would he use? They sell ‘em at Radio Shack.

Then what do the shamans do?

They get together this evening, holding a photo of you and some eyes and a skull and a gingerbread man cookie, and they chant.

Where did you learn all this stuff?

From a song in the musical, “South Pacific.”

Oh please don’t go where I think you’re going. What’s the song called?

“Shaman Chanted Evening,” of course.

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Peruvian shamans holding a poster of Portuguese soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo walk to perform a ritual in front of the Spanish Embassy in Lima October 19, 2009. The Peruvian shamans gathered outside the Spanish Embassy in Lima on Monday to channel their energies into fighting and removing what they say is a hex on Real Madrid forward Ronaldo, who is currently sidelined with an injured ankle. REUTERS/Mariana Bazo

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Blog Guy, I heard milk farmers staged a big protest today. Boy, it’s violence everywhere, isn’t it? What was it this time? Guns, firebombs…

Milk. Dairy farmers directed milk straight from the cows, spraying it at the police.

That sounds pretty tame to me.

I’d call it udder disregard for police safety.

Now just a minute. You’re not implying that any cops were injured!

Yes. There were some brain injuries among cops who got big doses in the face.

I don’t believe that. Brain injuries?

Sure. Milk can be very dangerous once it gets past your eyes…

Pasteurized? You’re an imbecile!

Did you even read the coverage of the milk protest?

I skimmed it.

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Milk farmers spray fresh milk on riot police during a demonstration outside the European Council headquarters in Brussels October 5, 2009. REUTERS/Yves Herman

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Blog Guy, my friends and I dress up like knights in medieval costumes. Armor, swords, lances. We re-enact battles and stuff.

So what?

The thing is, our wives want to recreate the way the ladies looked, but we don’t know what they wore.

They wore dresses, stupid! You never heard the expression, “a damsel in dis dress?”

Thanks! And what about shoes, like stilettos for fancy occasions?

The knights were always armed, even on dates, and their armorers made shoes for the ladies. This photo below shows stylish shoes covered in chain mail.

Chain mail? You mean like, “send this letter to ten friends or you’ll have bad luck”? That’s very helpful! but WHY did the knights go on dates armed?

Before a date, damsels would tell the knights to “bring protection,” and that’s how they showed up. They weren’t exactly the brightest piles of iron on the scrapheap.

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Two medieval knights fight during a photocall for a museum exhibition in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/ David Moir

A model presents a creation as part of Versus Spring/ Summer 2010 women’s collection during Milan Fashion week September 27, 2009. REUTERS/Stefano Rellandini

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Blog Guy, I read about a vocational training program for Afghan citizens. It sounds so strange I don’t even want to repeat it here…

I suspect you mean the Kabul-Capades, an ice skating extravaganza the U.S. is putting together so Afghanis will have real jobs after the war. As you can see, the basics of a good routine are being taught even before they put on skates.

How many new Afghan ice spectaculars does the U.S. think the world needs?

It isn’t JUST ice skating, silly! There’s a bluegrass music troupe called the Tali-Banjos. And the likely loser in the recent Afghan election will tour as Abdullah Abdullah’s Juggler Jugglers….

Hmmm. That does sound good. Can I buy a season ticket to get me into ALL the shows?

Sure. It’s called the…

No! Wait!

Too late. It’s called the Khyber Pass…

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Left: Skaters perform in a 1998 file photo. REUTERS/Andy Clark

Right: A U.S Marine searches an Afghan man for weapons near the town of Khan Neshin in Rig district of Helmand province, September 8, 2009. REUTERS/ Goran Tomasevic

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Blog Guy, I need your business advice, quickly! I know this is gonna sound like one of those people who see the Virgin Mary’s face on a Ritz cracker or something, but…

I’m in Taiwan, and I got a latte at my hotel, and I swear I saw the image of the Dalai Lama IN THE FOAM ON TOP.

I want to sell this on eBay. I’ve stored it in my safe-deposit box at the front desk. How much should I ask for it?

Oh, maybe about $3.65. The Dalai Lama has been staying at the same hotel, and they’re producing a signature latte with his sculpture in foam on top. You’re not the only person who has one.

Oh crap! So do I still have a chance to sell it?

Sure. Like they say, “Better latte than never….”

Video of foam sculpture

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Above: A “Dalai Latte” named after exiled Tibetan spiritual leader the Dalai Lama is prepared inside the hotel where he is staying in Kaohsiung, southern Taiwan September 2, 2009. REUTERS/Garden Villa/Handout

Below: The Dalai Lama speaks to followers during a mass prayer session, September 1, 2009. REUTERS/Nicky Loh

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