Hey Blog Guy, sometimes I see funny stuff in the news and I’m sure you’ll use it in your blog, but then you don’t. Do you take bribes to ignore certain things?

Well sure, but folks don’t try to bribe me nearly often enough, even though it’s not hard to do. The truth is, I ignore some stuff because it’s just too obvious, and I do have some pride.

For instance, see this shot below of President Obama? It’s a very funny photo, so I didn’t use it. I’ll leave it to the hacks.

And then there was a story about a widow selling her husband’s burial spot directly above Marilyn Monroe’s crypt. Give me a break.

Sure, some guys went with headlines like Want to Lie with Marilyn Monroe Forever? or The Long Sleep, with Marilyn Monroe… Let ‘em do that if they want.

But you won’t see some cheesy Monroe movie reference like “Gentlemen Prefer Bones” under some smirking double entendre headline here, not as long as Bob Basler is doing this blog!

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Above: The crypts of Marilyn Monroe and Richard Poncher are pictured in Westwood, California August 17, 2009. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

Below: President Barack Obama presents the Medal of Freedom to Joe Medicine Crow - High Bird during a ceremony in the East Room at the White House, August 12, 2009. REUTERS/Jim Young

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Blog Guy, I was reading a history book and saw a word I didn’t know, defenestration. Rather than look it up, I thought I’d ask you what it means.

Defenestration is throwing something out a window. As in, “Close that damn refrigerator door! You’re defenestrating my hard-earned money!” Or like, “Here comes the parade, let’s defenestrate this ticker tape on them!”

Why would that be in a history book?

Centuries ago, in what is now the Czech Republic, angry mobs defenestrated people from tall windows. The events are still celebrated today. Check out this old painting and this new photo reenactment.

Wow! That looks TOO realistic. Um, what happened to that poor guy in the photographs?

Our caption doesn’t say. I fear he may have become a…

Don’t say it!

Too late. A bounced Czech. Or worse.

Worse?

A canceled Czech.

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Re-enactment of a defenestration in Prague, July 31, 2009. The 1419 event began when demonstrators demanded the release of some prisoners but were refused. The outraged crowd burst into the building and threw officials out the windows. REUTERS photos by David W Cerny

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What’s wrong, Blog Guy? I don’t understand!

Huh? You don’t understand what?

I’ve been seeing pictures of former governor Sarah Palin yesterday serving hot dogs as she left the governor’s job.  Isn’t that a natural for you? Why aren’t you all over it?

Oh, that. It’s just too obvious. Too easy. What would I even say?

Come on, straighten up, Mister! You’d say like, Sarah Palin’s wurst job? Or look at the buns on that governor? Or losers and wieners? Or I know, Sarah the Redhot Mama?

Those are awful. I wouldn’t stoop that low, to be frank.

Frank? I get it! I knew I’d see a smile on that face. Now slap a goofy headline on this sucker, and you’re done for the day. It’s like putting lipstick on a pig!

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Alaska Governor Sarah Palin serves hot dogs to well-wishers at the annual Governor’s Picnic in Fairbanks, Alaska, July 26, 2009. Former Republican U.S. Vice-presidential candidate Palin stepped down as Alaska governor on Sunday. REUTERS/ Nathaniel Wilder

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Blog Guy, I just saw that Johnny Depp movie “Public Enemies.” Somebody told me they were auctioning off one of John Dillinger’s real guns.

Yep, it sold on Saturday, for $95,600.

Wow! What kind of gun was it?

A derringer.

Are you kidding me? The Dillinger Derringer?

I don’t kid. They wouldn’t identify the winning bidder, but it may have been actor Tom Berenger.

Making it the Berenger Dillinger Derringer? Did Dillinger ever shoot anybody with it?

He slightly wounded a dog with it. In the derriere.

Gasp! Shot in the derriere by the Berenger Dillinger Derringer? What kind of a dog?

A terrier. Oops, sorry, the Word Police are here to take me away for going too far. Excuse me, officer, may I have a Perrier?

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Above: The Dillinger Derringer. REUTERS/Heritage Auction Galleries/Handout

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Blog Guy, like many of your readers I have very special fashion needs. I dance the flamenco.

You mean those festive pink birds like I have in my front yard?

No, those are flamingos. I dance the flamenco. You know, with castanets.

That candy you get at the movies?

No, those are Raisinets! Please try to follow me. I clap my hands and stamp my feet a lot.

Yeah, my son used to do that when I wouldn’t buy him a box of castanets.

You seem like a very stupid person, Blog Guy.

Maybe, but I’m not the one who wants to dress like a lawn ornament.

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Above: Flamingos crowd in a restroom at Miami’s Metro Zoo for protection from a hurricane in 1998 file photo.

Right: Models present creations by Lina during a Flamenco Fashion Show on Triana bridge in Seville, July 20, 2009. REUTERS/ Marcelo del Pozo

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Blog Guy, I read your item about the Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop. Are you hiring qualified museum guides? What’s that fancy word for people who do that?

You’re thinking of “docent.” Yes, we can always use a decent docent.

If I work at the museum would I have to agree with you on everything?

Yes. I don’t tolerate docent dissent.

Does my own opinion interest you?

It doesen’t. You’re a docent.

Does that mean museum visitors can disrespect us?

No. We don’t allow dissing decent docents.

I can’t start right away. I have diarrhea and inflammation of my lower bowels.

Sounds like you’ve got a dose of docent dysentery.

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Above: Men take part in a zombie parade in Frankfurt, July 18, 2009. REUTERS/ Johannes Eisele

Left: Docent gives a tour of the flight deck to tourists on the aircraft carrier USS Midway in 2004 file photo. REUTERS/ Fred Greaves

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Happy July 4th, Blog Guy. I just saw an Abe Lincoln statue made of cheese. Isn’t that disrespectful?

No. If you know your history, you know Lincoln was a passionate cheese enthusiast.

It was Abe who pushed the bounds of home entertaining by rolling up cheese and pecans together, creating the popular cheese log.

HE did that?

Sure. He called them Lincoln Logs.  He also pioneered new forms of smelly Limburger Cheese, making his own pungent recipe.

Uh-oh. What was that called?

What do you think? “Stinkin’ Lincoln.”

Apart from the “Gettysburg Address,” Lincoln’s most famous speech was his 1863 “Homage to Fromage.” And, his 1864 presidential campaign slogan was ”He’s not just gouda, he’s grate!”

You’re right, I do recall something about that. What was that phrase he used to predict the mass popularity of cheese?

He called it a “feta compli.”

Gosh Blog Guy, you seem to know quite a few cheese-related puns.

Well, I don’t like to boast, but they do call me the “Münster Punster.”

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Cheez-It commissioned 700-pound life-size cheddar cheese carving of Abraham Lincoln, on display near the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, July 3, 2009. REUTERS/Ray Stubblebine/Cheez-It/Handout

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“I have protected your site from 80,526 spam comments already, but there’s nothing in your spam queue at the moment.”

I get regular personal messages like this one from the tool I use to produce my blog, telling me he is protecting me from spam. Of course, these regular messages seem like a form of spam.

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for what he does. But there’s something sort of creepy about him.

Excuse me, Bob, this is me, your Blog Tool speaking…

You again? What do you want now? Is there anything in my spam queue?

Your what?

My spam queue.

What?

SPAM QUEUE!!

You’re welcome.

Ouch. Is that your idea of a joke, Blog Tool?

Yes. I’ve got a million of  ‘em. I’ll be back soon, Bob…

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Blog Guy, can you tell me some stuff about high wire?

You mean the 50th state, home to President Obama?

That is the worst pun I’ve ever read. I’m talking HIGH WIRE, like in the circus.

Well, I know that just PLAIN tightrope walking is for sissy weenies these days. These photos show guys competing in a high wire SPEED RACE.

Awesome! So that high wire speed racing is the new macho thing?

It is if you don’t think you can cut it in the MAIN event, Speed Racing Blindfolded on a Flaming Gas-Soaked Tightrope in a Lightning Storm Amid 2,500 Dive-Bombing Rabid Bats.

I see. Hey, what’s that thing left behind on the wire by the guy who dropped his bar?

I’m not sure. It could be some kind of adult diaper.

That’s what I was afraid of.

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Alfred Nock Jr. of Switzerland helps Ya Kefujiang Maimitili of China after Ya dropped his bar in the speed race of the 2009 Hangang High Wire World Championship in Seoul, May 10, 2009. REUTERS photos by Jo Yong-Hak

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Blog Guy, you have written lots about exotic homes of the world’s leaders. Interesting stuff about 10 Downing Street, where Britain’s prime minister lives, and your amazing look at the unique home of Russia’s president. Can you tell us about other official residences, please?

Lots of them are named for colors, like our White House, South Korea’s Blue House, and Canada’s Pink House, the prime minister’s Ottawa home, named for the pink flamingos all over the lawn.

Why is it in Ottawa?

It turns out that’s the capital. Who knew? The locals call the flamingo-strewn residence “Tackytown,” but they prefer it to the former garden gnome motif, called “the Gnome Home.”

What’s your favorite official residence of all?

That would be the UK Prime Minister’s country home, called Chequers. The official residence of China’s top leader is an exact copy of the place.

You don’t say. And what is theirs called? No! Wait! Don’t say it!

You’re too late. Chinese Chequers.

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Canada’s Prime Minister Stephen Harper looks at plastic flamingos placed on the front lawn of his official residence, while walking with his daughter Rachel in Ottawa, April 30, 2009. Staffers placed 50 plastic flamingos on the lawn to mark Harper’s 50th birthday. REUTERS/ Chris Wattie

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